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Messages - Boatsetsailrose

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Yes, it's so easy for outter to become inner... But grateful I get to see it a bit more clearly these days..
After all this is an attachment disorder.. I don't like that part of cptsd... But am so pleased my attachment is the best it's ever been with myself... And nope resting hey... Now a whole new area of relating outwardly... Gee... This is work!
But I am going to give myself a bit of a break I think... I'm just ending CAT therapy and need to allow myself space..
Perfectionism can jump on for me and I expect a great deal of myself..
Breathe take space let life flow for a bit boat's...

I've found as I've done healing through trauma therapy and my self hatred has now turned to a sometimes being hard on myself... I have started to believe that a higher power loves me

Announcements / Re: The Coronavirus Pandemic
« on: May 08, 2020, 02:30:22 PM »
How is everyone doing? We are in wk 6 of lockdown in the UK.. Blessed with good weather at least...

General Discussion / Re: Relationships are hard
« on: May 08, 2020, 01:56:31 PM »
Thanks three roses appreciate that..

General Discussion / Relationships are hard
« on: May 07, 2020, 08:58:54 AM »
Relationships are hard.. When they are working they are amazing when there is struggle I just run..
I'm fearful of speaking up.. Being able to do this in a considerate and kind way..
Then I go understand drown in resentment, anger, venom and am left choking..
All thoughts welcome

Hi all
Not sure if this is posted in the right place?
I've just had a lightbulb moment...
I had recent contact with Ubpd m and it went done Hill rapidly. When I made the decison to go NC again (3 Rd time lucky) I was surprised I didn't go into EF although I did when we were in contact.
However I had about 1.5 wks of severe Outer Critic I can now see this was a fear response. It was playing out in all my thinking /interactions with people in my life.. A loud critical /judgemental everyone is stupid useless and I need to control them. I've read about outer critic before but what has happened is i haven't seen it so clearly as a fear response and also that it's my m voice projecting through me towards others... Basically what she did and does like 24/7.
I feel a relief from both these realisations.. Once I got a hold of why and how I began to take hold and come back to self compassion and compassion and acceptance of others as good enough. Things now have resumed to a sembelence of normal which I'm most pleased about.
I don't know where outer critic posts are put on the board and I get the feeling this isn't the right thread..
Anyone know?

Building Protective Factors / Sadness...
« on: May 02, 2020, 04:36:16 PM »
Feel sad today and that is OK.. Sometimes I do.
No psychoanalysis just sad feelings..
Laying here thinking I wish I had a mother.. But the reality is I do, and she is far too unwell and unstable to be near. Its always been this way. Sometimes I'd like to speak to someone who understands from a different perspective someone who has a well mother. But then if someone says how sad it is and how I deserve to have one I don't really feel anything because it's not how it is.. And what's the point of morning.
However, today here on my own I feel it. I wish I had a mother.
I used to think I was adopted and one day I'd find my family, I believed this.
Wouldn't that be something. I've had recent contact with my m after yrs and it went horribly wrong so hence its raw.
It would be so nice to have a m that was caring, thoughtful, loving, kind, patient, nurturing.. In fact I wouldn't mind not changing m just having the one I've got we have a lot in common..
My f has a real father that he never met, he was an American pilot during the 2nd World War.. I could have a whole family I've never met. My f is 74 and doesn't want to do any tracing. I'd like to I think . I might find my that my f has half brother /sister they would be my uncle or aunt,, cousins etc..
Thing is all I have is my grandfather's name no dob.. No other info..
And if existing family don't know about my f they won't be looking...
It's a long shot..
And then to feel. Connected to people who are connected to someone I never met...


Going Low/No Contact with Abusers / Re: How to end NC
« on: April 25, 2020, 05:55:57 PM »
Thanks dear blueberry...
I may go into flashback after the recent messages but I'm hoping not... Yes there is def a strong adult part of me in all this..
The guilt seems to be around the fact that I made contact to tell my story, face her (done on phone) but I just didn't think farther than that and how crazy it might get. I'm hindsight I didn't think she would be as bad as she was ie as bad as she has ever been. The difference this time is Im not as placid and pliable so that set a bomb off. I have to see that I didn't make it crazy but the fact it was I feel bad I actually made the contact in the 1st place. But I did and I've learnt a lot, healed some more and in a weird way feel stronger for it. As much as bpd is a vile disorder she does have a psych illness and there doesn't seem much hope for her. It upsets me that my contact disturbed her so much, but then I need to remember all interactions disturb her its just the one with me as daughter seems to not have any boundary for her. But it gives me a strengthening in that it hasn't changed, it's not going to change and I now need to let go of any threads and detach with prayer.

Going Low/No Contact with Abusers / Re: How to end NC
« on: April 25, 2020, 01:14:45 PM »
Thanks both
Hope. U doing just fine

Going Low/No Contact with Abusers / Re: How to end NC
« on: April 24, 2020, 07:20:18 PM »
*trigger warning
Thank you so much for both your kind, wise and supportive replies
.. I'm always grateful for our forum now more than ever...
I'm swinging today between anger, disbelief, sad and guilt. A big part of me wants to unblock so I can read the messages again and have the 'story to tell my sponser and psychologist' but that would not be self caring and I can only imagine more has been sent, so that would be more to deal with and more to react to.
One thing she did say was ' you can't blame me for the fact you took drugs at 18 (I didn't blame her) my dad hit me a couple of times but I didn't hold it against him. I found your brother drinking in his bedroom once and I saw red and grabbed him by the throat but he doesn't hold it against me and just laughs it off, thats why we get on so well.. With you I always have to walk on eggshells.
(my brother still drinks and takes drugs aged 40).
I mean what the *! She grabbed him by the throat! It's just unbelievable. I am trying to hold onto the fact she is Ubpd but I can't help but feel she has evil in her. She adores my brother always has so to do this to him just shows her complete insanity.
I have to keep focusing on the positives I've got from the past 2 mths of contact...
1)i got to face my abuser and tell me entire story and call out the abuse. I did this for me and it has lifted some more shame which is excellent.
2)i don't feel I need to lurk in the shadows anymore if any family comment ie her mother my grandmother.
3)ive got to see through my 47 Yr old eyes (I was 35 with our last contact) just how  dangerous and  damaged this women is and how she doesn't own normal human good traits.
4) the bpd is the ugliest psychiatric condition
5) that this whole situation actually blew up because I didn't respond to her text messages and late nite calls she basically began to have a borderline full on emotional crisis and would kill to get revenge (verbally and emotionally).
6)that I got out sooner rather than later, that I didn't people please or break my own original boundary of 'I don't do texting which was clearly said from call 1
7)i can see more clearly than ever why I've been as unwell as I've been over my life.
8)that I'm amazing and have worked so hard and dilegently on trauma therapy and recovery to bring me where I am today. This stuff takes much consistent action, courage and brokenness to start to walk free from
9)ive processed some deep deep hurt that felt 6 yrs old...
10) that I have every hope for for continued recovery and that I do not need to fear what others think of me. The truth sets it free

Going Low/No Contact with Abusers / Re: How to end NC
« on: April 23, 2020, 08:48:13 PM »
Thanks three roses blackberry and kizzie.. I value your responses..
As it happened I didn't need to sit with it for much longer as I got a long text (even though I'd blocked) about my blocking on fb... Lots of ranting, blaming blah blah how could u do this,,, what are u hiding,, you've got in touch and now this...
I responded by texting back and using it as the time I would have re letter writing..
Standing up. For my boundaries, saying what I won't tolerate why I'm going NC again (3rd time) and saying how bout we both take responsibility for it...
I then see I gave fuel to the fire (of course how else could it be! And got another long one which I don't mean to be cruel but was so ridiculous hurling really stupid stuff at me... Petty and irrelevant..
Bringing other small things with  family members in to side with the silly ness.
At that point I just saw boats she isn't  well let her be..
But the end comment set me off again
It said 'and I take it you won't be at grandma's funeral'
I replied saying
'I know u like to have power but u don't get to choose that one..
I then sent a final  another text saying' let's end this slanging match..

I've now properly blocked m number..
I thought I may get triggered by it all, and I may well still but tonight at least I feel a mix of comedy about it all...
It's sad too because I can see her sat there probably with a bottle of wine upset, angry, in so much self pity and genuinely confused..
Maybe my getting in touch was relevant to tell my story and lift a bit more shame, put the past a bit more in its place but at what price...
More upset..
But what is done is done...
I'll put her in my prayers
Umm I ob feel guilt...

Going Low/No Contact with Abusers / How to end NC
« on: April 22, 2020, 09:32:10 PM »
Hi so I've gone NC with Ubpd m for the 3rd time.. First when I was 24, went back for a year then NC for another 12 yrs.. 2 mths ago I went back actually to face and tell my trauma story to M which I did  but got a bit sucked in afterwards in fairy land which quickly went down hill rapidly.
Made firm decison now  to go NC now.
I've blocked her number, blocked social media...
The issues I'm debating at the moment  is just to walk away and say nothing or to write a letter and state my position.
My psychologist suggested the letter as a possibility.
My reasons for just walking away is she will be raging whatever I do so... My fears of her manipulating within the family are high.. Painting me as the ever evolving black sheep.
My motives for writing a letter could be as follows :
I'm standing in my power and stating my position loud and clear.
If it blows up in the wider family ie my maternal grandmother now I've made my position clear it feels it could be easier to do the same with her and not shrink.
In the letter I would like to say that I would if we see each other in the future (my grandma is frail and in her last mths probably) I wish to be sevil and adult about it.
Also it seems if I write a letter she gets a clear message and boundary, isn't left hanging which potentially leaves me more vulnerable by her sending letters or sending messages via my grandmother.

I want this situation to be as clean as is possible..

Anyone have experience on this and could share?

Or any thoughts based on own knowledge of pd?

Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Went NC third time lucky
« on: April 21, 2020, 02:38:18 PM »
Thank you three roses for your response...
Yes speaking my truth, telling my story was my motive for connection and something really seems to have shifted from doing it...
I actually saw someone do the same on the real housewives series (I know) and I thought wow that women must have done a lot of recovery work... Id already decided I was going to do it before I saw this but it helped give me a perspective..
And when he got defensive etc she took control and said its in the past now it's about moving on...
I wonder how it will go for her...
Finding my voice in the way I did seems to have unlocked something and my head is higher. This time of going NC there is not the anger I felt 12 yrs ago when I last did it...
I find it sad that she is still so unwell and still in so much rage and hate... Its sad..
And for me now its a walking into my future in a new way. The psych team are discharging me soon the team have been amazing. I've also decided to start slowly reducing off meds.... I feel more integrated than I've ever felt it's been a long 4 yrs of being in cptsd symptoms and healing... Hope is here... Today...

I hope all is growing for you and all

Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Went NC third time lucky
« on: April 20, 2020, 07:46:37 PM »
Thanks for sharing your experience kizzie..
What I did was let go of my hope that she will ever own up to her abuse, love me, apologize - really hard I will say but very freeing at the same time'.
Yes, I hear you on this. Well done on that piece of work to get further freedom.
For me I genuinely wasn't looking or needed apology but then I say that after getting one and some acknowledgement  so if it had been different I may not be saying that.
I think there was a part of me that thought we could of had something, that I could get some semblance of care.. Some mother connection.
Her after math I believe would have happened post my experience sharing or not... She is soooo sooo angry its like I just stepped back to 1987 I feel amazed someone can maintain that level of anger for that length of time.. All projected onto every living breathing thing...
With the rest of the family not that I have much contact but I'm not prepared to stay completely silent now... I feel I can be in my adult and be in my power..
I don't need to give details to them but I do feel I need to show my voice....
I'm learning when people in general say something I'm not happy with my default setting is to say nothing... I'm learning I can ask questions or make statements non violently that help me stay in my power this is new for me and feels good..
I've blocked m on phone, what's app and Facebook.... Interesting times ahead I feel. Its my birthday next wk...

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