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Topics - Boatsetsailrose

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1
Questions/Suggestions/Comments / Thank you
« on: October 06, 2020, 08:44:02 PM »
Not sure if this is the right place to post this message...
Maybe a tab with gratitude could be good :)
I periodically feel an overwhelming sense to post how so v v grateful and thankful I am for this forum over the yrs...
Thank u to dear kizzie and all the team for holding space and helping the recovery ship for cptsd to. Continue sailing. The hope, the safety and the kinship.
I recommend this forum to others and I do hope they find it as amazing as I have..
I'm due to be discharged from the psych team next wk. Have been with them for 2 yrs recovering and having therapy.. They have been fantastic..
I've been blessed
There is hope for everyone with this condition.
And so as I continue on... I keep healing and re integrating and I wish the same for everyone here.
I don't use the forum as much as I did but I'll pop back and  to offer my experience to others...
Have a good day and take care

2
I'm. Really reaching a stage in my life when not having a partner, my own family, pets is getting me down. I have cfs /fibro too so its v hard to develop consistency to actually get a partner... And who wants to be with some one who spends so much time on the bed!
So many people have lots of close people and some hardly any...
Life seems so unfair at times..
I know there are much worse things happening in the world
Feeling lonely is horrible I really am struggling...
Any thing that helps you with it I appreciate to hear

3
Been in a flare up with CFS /fibro since being on hol... Its been 2 wks now..
Feels intolerable this time.. The social isolation..
Went to church this morn and may have made my physical health worse more prolonged but so needed social contact..
It was good, got v tearful and others were there to support.
Got some numbers.
I've decided I'm going to develop a 'flare up team' if people can offer practical /social support..
Everyone needs people in their life right... The phone and Internet are great but can't replace real

4
I was convinced I'd healed from my severe fatigue /pain issues. Just had amazing 2 wks life was opening up again. Been having chakra healing.
I'm still hopeful and the fact I had 2 good wks is great..
Back on the bed now... Fed up frustrated

5
Medication / Reducing off meds...
« on: July 14, 2020, 08:18:09 PM »
Hi all
Haven't posted for a while and it's good to be back...
Need to also reach out and acknowledge newcomers is good to do that as I was new once!
I'm at a stage in my recovery where I've just finished an amazing piece of therapy... Been doing intensive trauma work of varying kinds for the past 5 yrs +..
I'm now reducing off ssri.. Have done so before but with unhealed trauma was too much and went back on.
I now feel at this stage that I can do this and keep walking with support and slowly doing it. I'm currently on 10mg it was 30mg.this last reduction has been the most bumpy..life seems big and overwhelming as I come back into a more feeling view. I'm so grateful to be at this place it's been work to get here and I've had incredible support. It's just the fear of not being in control (not that I was before but the meds give that cushion.. If I keep it in the day /the moment I'm OK.
Any postitive stories around coming off and staying off would be great...
Or indeed anyones experience of reducing...

6
General Discussion / Is she a narc ?
« on: June 06, 2020, 12:24:26 PM »
There is a women in my recovery programme who I've known for 5 years..
I became more friends with her and stayed at her house few times ..
I now don't speak with her on recovery calls or interact with her due to her condescending ,superior and iron fist attitude. I used to take it on calls cause she used to say helpful recovery stuff but the way it was delivered id get in a bad mood and in the end wasn't worth it .
She openly says she has bpd and in some ways I think I've denied that as she has good eating disorder recovery.
Over time I've just hated her more and now I cant stand her .
This morning she was on the zoom meeting and get what she is the secretary surprise surprise .someone else was leading the meeting and there was an issue with sound .I spoke to the host and said I don't think the leader is on the line ...with that said person said ' Yes she is on the line ' in a sort a authoritative slightly aggressive way ....
My anger went off like a rocket (internally)  and I was close to saying something of which I didn't and am glad I didn't...I wanted to say why do u talk to people like they are idiots !
I'm now wondering if she is a narc she seems to fit the bill ...really inflated sense of self importance yet I know from her that she has crushing low self worth..
I'm not saying i don't have some personality issues to work on and my goodness i can be condesending and ego at times too..
I want to work on this anger I have towards her and be able to let it go ...its only eating me up..she is a sick person and I don't need to interact ..
I have thought about not going to that meeting but it is one of the UK meetings and I need to be there to help newcomers ..
My lesson from today is to not offer any comments about the meeting ,just do my share and be quiet ...
I need to not focus on this women and expect her do what she does and know it's nothing to do with me ...
It helps me to reflect on my own behaviour and when I'm being self righteous ego etc how that must be for other people ...glad I can see it a bit more in myself and can work with it ...
Any thoughts /experiences on the behaviour i describe about her ...the condescending ,superior ,iron fist type ...
Any ways to think abouT it deal with it ?

7
General Discussion / Relationships are hard
« on: May 07, 2020, 08:58:54 AM »
Relationships are hard.. When they are working they are amazing when there is struggle I just run..
I'm fearful of speaking up.. Being able to do this in a considerate and kind way..
Then I go understand drown in resentment, anger, venom and am left choking..
All thoughts welcome

8
Hi all
Not sure if this is posted in the right place?
I've just had a lightbulb moment...
I had recent contact with Ubpd m and it went done Hill rapidly. When I made the decison to go NC again (3 Rd time lucky) I was surprised I didn't go into EF although I did when we were in contact.
However I had about 1.5 wks of severe Outer Critic I can now see this was a fear response. It was playing out in all my thinking /interactions with people in my life.. A loud critical /judgemental everyone is stupid useless and I need to control them. I've read about outer critic before but what has happened is i haven't seen it so clearly as a fear response and also that it's my m voice projecting through me towards others... Basically what she did and does like 24/7.
I feel a relief from both these realisations.. Once I got a hold of why and how I began to take hold and come back to self compassion and compassion and acceptance of others as good enough. Things now have resumed to a sembelence of normal which I'm most pleased about.
I don't know where outer critic posts are put on the board and I get the feeling this isn't the right thread..
Anyone know?


9
Building Protective Factors / Sadness...
« on: May 02, 2020, 04:36:16 PM »
Feel sad today and that is OK.. Sometimes I do.
No psychoanalysis just sad feelings..
Laying here thinking I wish I had a mother.. But the reality is I do, and she is far too unwell and unstable to be near. Its always been this way. Sometimes I'd like to speak to someone who understands from a different perspective someone who has a well mother. But then if someone says how sad it is and how I deserve to have one I don't really feel anything because it's not how it is.. And what's the point of morning.
However, today here on my own I feel it. I wish I had a mother.
I used to think I was adopted and one day I'd find my family, I believed this.
Wouldn't that be something. I've had recent contact with my m after yrs and it went horribly wrong so hence its raw.
It would be so nice to have a m that was caring, thoughtful, loving, kind, patient, nurturing.. In fact I wouldn't mind not changing m just having the one I've got we have a lot in common..
My f has a real father that he never met, he was an American pilot during the 2nd World War.. I could have a whole family I've never met. My f is 74 and doesn't want to do any tracing. I'd like to I think . I might find my that my f has half brother /sister they would be my uncle or aunt,, cousins etc..
Thing is all I have is my grandfather's name no dob.. No other info..
And if existing family don't know about my f they won't be looking...
It's a long shot..
And then to feel. Connected to people who are connected to someone I never met...

Urrrrr

11
Going Low/No Contact with Abusers / How to end NC
« on: April 22, 2020, 09:32:10 PM »
Hi so I've gone NC with Ubpd m for the 3rd time.. First when I was 24, went back for a year then NC for another 12 yrs.. 2 mths ago I went back actually to face and tell my trauma story to M which I did  but got a bit sucked in afterwards in fairy land which quickly went down hill rapidly.
Made firm decison now  to go NC now.
I've blocked her number, blocked social media...
The issues I'm debating at the moment  is just to walk away and say nothing or to write a letter and state my position.
My psychologist suggested the letter as a possibility.
My reasons for just walking away is she will be raging whatever I do so... My fears of her manipulating within the family are high.. Painting me as the ever evolving black sheep.
My motives for writing a letter could be as follows :
I'm standing in my power and stating my position loud and clear.
If it blows up in the wider family ie my maternal grandmother now I've made my position clear it feels it could be easier to do the same with her and not shrink.
In the letter I would like to say that I would if we see each other in the future (my grandma is frail and in her last mths probably) I wish to be sevil and adult about it.
Also it seems if I write a letter she gets a clear message and boundary, isn't left hanging which potentially leaves me more vulnerable by her sending letters or sending messages via my grandmother.

I want this situation to be as clean as is possible..

Anyone have experience on this and could share?

Or any thoughts based on own knowledge of pd?

12
Family of Origin (FOO) / Went NC third time lucky
« on: April 19, 2020, 05:55:45 PM »
It's been a painful week... Turbulent.
I first went NC with Ubpd m 22 yrs ago and this was for 10yrs. I went back for a year and went NC for the 2nd time. 2 mths ago I made contact as I wanted to face m (this was done on the phone) and tell my story of what it was like for me back then done without blame and I was able to call out the abuse. I did this as I didn't feel I could lift a part of the shame until I heard myself speak it to her. I've done extensive trauma therapy and made the call genuinely not looking or needing any validation or apology.
I def felt and still feel a sense of liberation. What I didn't plan for was how well the call went after. We spent hours catching up, laughing etc etc.
I had 2 calls after that and things went down hill. Rapidly. I went go into the story but it was overwhelming and I got triggered quite badly.
After a hard week this wk speaking to others in recovery and praying today I made the decision to go nc.
I sobbed this morning really sobbed I wanted it to work.
I am glad I saw things clearly sooner rather than later and I'm glad I've made the decision and can focus on being kind to me and my continued healing..
Danger is not something I want to mess with...


13
Hi all
Just wanted to post about the challenges of social isolation and cfs /fibromyalgia symptoms..
I mean covid or not my symptoms would be happening but I guess what I'm finding challenging is not having the energy to do as much stuff as I'd like...
Maybe doesn't help when I see Instagram /Facebook etc and people are jumping, dancing, singing, creating etc..
I can do bits of things and this is what I need to remember... Its not having the energy to go for a walk or bike which is frustrating.... Too much time in my head..
I seem to spend a lot of time in my mind thinking of all the things I want to do, used to do, it is all whirling around. I'm a creative type but get blocked although I am doing bits...
I guess it all boils down to the same ol same ol I'm not enough, I don't do enough blah blah...
I've just wrote lots of ideas in a journal and will work each day with a little plan and focus so I feel good..
Anyone got any tips experiences on finding it hard to focus, stay with a project, progress in hobbies?
Anyone else with physical health challenges?

14
General Discussion / Public declaration to self
« on: April 02, 2020, 12:16:17 PM »
God I'm sick of needy people.... Sick sick sick of them....
But the great thing is I let them be like that,,, its my neediness..
My controlling, caring, over absorbsion in other people, kindness etc,, feeling responsible all plays out in my interactions...
I Am Changing!

Move over empathic come on in think about yourself,, be your own caretaker, focus on you, cut away the shackles....
Let adults be responsible for themselves, don't give them any answer s stop fixing....

Be free

15
Successes, Progress? / Healing to new horizons - a story of hope
« on: February 06, 2020, 10:08:20 PM »
Hi
*TRIGGER WARNING
I would like to post about my story and the journey of  the past 4 yrs. Having trauma therapy and the results that have become apparent over this time  and where I am at now.
I had 1yr trauma which began about 4 yrs ago with a charity in the UK and this was amazingly no cost. The t I worked with was highly skilled and we worked using  varied therapeutic models Inc regulation and stabilisation
Ifs integrated family systems, creative and explorative all overarched by psychotherapy..
I gained deeper awareness about what happened to me in my foo and some good healing occurred. I was at the time having severe flashbacks, was v fragile and had been recently diagnosed by mental health services with cptsd.
I had become suicidal, had severe self hatred, intrusive inner critic and was not functioning too well. This therapy helped me stabilise and gave me a good foundation.
The t at the time really commended me on my inner resources.. How I'd be doing therapeutic work since my early 20s some 20+ yrs previous, how so v resourceful I'd been over my younger life and how much I'd achieved in life despite...

She was v good to work with and leaving the service was hard..
I am thankful for the work I did there and it definately helped me.

At the time I was nursing but not coping too well and over time having more sick time and struggling. I left my career 18mths ago and after a succession of bad mental health spots, serious low mood/anxiety /difficulties sleeping /severe flashbacks and wanting to end my life. I was referred to a  community mental health team. I'd been referred a couple of times prev over the yrs but this time I was taken on and assigned a mental health nurse and a treatment path. Ironically (but not really) I got referred under the same NHS trust I'd been working for..
This team have been truly incredible in fact the support I've received from the NHS over the whole journey of the past 5 yrs has been v good. I know this isn't everyone's story. I did need to fight and become my own advocate in some ways. I look back now and am so grateful that I found out about BPD found a group on fb.. Started piecing together that my m seemed to fit ubpd and then was led here to out of the storm the start of my healing journey.
Under the mental health team where I have been for well over a Yr now I have been meeting wkly, then 2 wkly and now 3 wkly with the mental health nurse. She has been incredibly supportive and good at what she does. We have talked over many many issues inc coping with life and she came to a disability benefits assessment where I got awarded. She has written letters to support things such as getting a bus pass and given supporting evidence where needed. She has treated me with respect and has listening intently to me hour upon hour whilst having a large caseload of patients some of whom are in terrible crisis. We have worked therapeutically with issues as they have come up past and present.
For the past 3 mths I have been having CAT therapy with a clinical psychologist under the same  service which has proved and is proving to be so deeply healing and transformative. I have hit pain in some of the sessions that I didn't know lived so deeply in me.. Releasing and expressing my hurt and anger and coming out to be met with being helped to more fully accept... What happened really wasn't my fault. The CAT model is working with my learnt relational styles and looks in a deep way at how those patterns, attitudes and parts of my personality affect my relating now and I get to go out in the world and make significant changes.
I'm triggered much less and can't actually remember my last flashback (a miracle).
I feel the most integrated I've ever felt so far in my life, my self worth is growing and I'm putting up with less rubbish. I have gone v lc with my 2 family members and I am able to handle any guilt around that.
The biggest thing is I'm finally actually truly starting to like me and it's not attached to other people, work roles or externals. I can feel my worth.

Dont get me wrong life isn't all rosy and my feelings can and most probably will change. Difficult times will come and who knows what support I may need in the future but somehow I am daring to feel my healing. Daring to feel 'I have made some real significant headway at overcoming complex trauma. Sitting back and breathing saying' I've got somewhere... I'm stable.
And thank the universe for that as now I just got a diagnosis of cfs and fibro so physical conditions have come knocking on my door.. Not to minimise them (because they are pretty severe) but the * I'm been with with cptsd over the past 20 + yrs it seems almost easy to cope with physical health.

I wanted to write this account of my journey to not only write it for me but to give others hope on their journey.
I know how hard and dark it can be.... When the light of  hope seems out, the loneliness and loss is chronic and the self identity so broken. When the fear, anxiety and low mood is relentless. When self hatred is a constant companion and relationships with others is too hard to bare. Within all this there is hope and there is healing. We all are on our journeys together and individually. No 2 of us will experience exactly the same yet we share so much of the same. I decided I wasn't going to stop fighting for myself when I was a teenager leaving 'the house of horrors' and I don't know where my fighting spirit comes from after being beaten so many times, I get back up maybe it's just primal survival. I'm pretty incredible and I say that with prideful humility today.. The broken ness is the fore runner for the healing Ness..
 I should be dead, I should be homeless, I should be deep in addiction, I should be in toxic and dysfunctional relationships, I should be people pleasing and Co dependent, I should be self loathing, I should be being used by others, I should be being abused, I should be a complete train wreck.
I've been all these things and more...
I must be a miracle
I must have experienced a miracle...
Of healing
Of growing
Of changing
To find myself
Outside of that...
Aside of that
That which was never me 
Dare I walk free
One life
My life
The story of my life


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