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Hi all
I haven't been on the forum for a a fair ol while. Nice to see the new layout it's great and v user friendly.
I just wanted to share about 12 recovery for adult children.
AC0A stands for adult children of Alcoholics. But the part that isn't always obvious it's for anyone who identifies as coming from a dysfunctional family of origin.
After 7 yrs of various trauma therapy I then started going to Acoa and I just love it. The fellowship has been going for over 30 yrs and has a wealth of online meetings. I've been doing a loving parent workbook grp and am integrating my inner children and my loving parent in a way that is miraculous and really providing such security for my inner world and living daily life. There also ways to work the steps and use the tools.
I'll post a link to the website for anyone that may be interested. There are various kinds of meetings and literature.
https://adultchildren.org/

Hi all
It's been quite sometime since I've been here.
I do hope u are doing ok
I'm grateful your here!

So, I'm NC with my m unless she sends a card in the post etc.
She gets my addresses from my grandma s book, I assume.
I received a package just before my 50th 2 wks ago.. Contained lots of photos of family ansestory on the maternal side. I don't feel much connection with them.

This Saturday just gone I received another package this time it has had / having a big impact.
Copies of photos of my baby book, baby photos, infant. Copious amounts of pics of cards I sent to ' mummy ' when younger.
Photos of my dad and his mum when young . And then more of me through different ages up to young adult.

It's had a big effect on me which has come as a surprise. I'm pretty healed but clearly there's always room for a bit more.

I have mixed feelings. I'm glad to get some of the pics, some not and I feel intruded on that she has got my new address.
She sent a note ' you probabely don't want these but I was sorting through and sent them.
Which equates to ' I'll do what I want because I want a relationship with u so I can eat you alive   .

I shall give myself time to decide if I write to her and say I do not want her to have my address or send me anything.
Or if I resume to ok let her send the odd card ignore.
The later is probably the easiest.

She wrote on the back of some of the pics. One when I was a baby said ' you look well looked after ' .
A dig at ' see I was a good mother ' .

Also all the cards seem to be to give the message of ' you did love me ' .
Yes I did until it was all poisoned and killed off.

Ho hum...

I need to keep remembering she is not at all of sound mind and so not to enter or get tangled in any of it.

I've just been through all the pics. I threw a lot away and kept those I feel I want to...

She's 70 now maybe she feels  last chance saloon is here.

I feel so grateful for the last 7 yrs of various therapies and now am in ACA.
Really connected to my inner family and my loving parent.

One day this will all be over and she will be passed on....

Freedom now is a great thing x

Hi
My cptsd symptoms really ramped up 3 yrs ago with the stress of leaving my career . At first they were to do with an original trauma event fr teen yrs and then the thoughts turned in on me .
When I experience high stress they come back which is a lot of the time .
They are v distressing .
I've been having EMDR and feel the original event was processed . However the thoughts continue in the daily as I have high stress situations in my life . I spoke with the psychologist today and with my current chronic physical health she wonders if I have the resources to continue EMDR with the current mental symptoms ... I tend to agree with her .
I've been thinking about medication for a long time and am at the place where I'm like ' just give me something , I just need it to stop' . I'm awaiting a review with the consultant .

I'm already on reasonable dose of SSRI citalopram ( called something else in the states .
When I read about medications for PTSD it often mentions SSRI . Thing is I've tried many for depression and couldn't get on with them .

I'd be interested to hear what medications are helping people with flashback / obsessive intrusive thoughts .
Mine are along the SH line ( although I'm not a self harmer in that way and don't intend to be .

Many thanks

This is a pattern in my life that I outgrow friends ...
I've had long friendships and this one is 7 yrs ( there's something about the number 7 at the mo ...
We have been close friends and shared lots of life ...the difficult , the hard , the amazing , fun , laughter , shared interests...
The past 3 yrs we have both been going through ' stuff . Her mental health instability ++ unresolved trauma .. relationship breakdowns ..unmanageable work situations .
Me trauma PTSD ... In therapy healing and obs the m.e CFS . I've come to the point where I can't take her drama anymore and I'm seeing more and more she is v self centred , seems fake and pushes and pulls in our friendship by no contact and then piling it on , making and breaking plans or not even breaking just not letting me know .
I've worked to practice patience with her , set boundaries where I've needed to etc but now I just feel done ..
It's sad I don't want to lose another friend because my god I don't have a pool of them and she was my closet friend ..
But I can't see any way around it .
I'm a different person to when we met 7 yrs ago I've had a lot of healing and growth .... For her it seems the reverse .
Her  psychiatrist says she may have bpd and it's come to light she has huge sexual trauma which she hasn't and says she can't address .
My m I'm sure has bpd and I can't have a relationship with her so it isn't a surprise I was attracted to someone broken too but I'm changing and wanting more healthy for my life . People who can give and take in healthy ways . Overall I feel this friend has a real lack of respect for our friendship and I often don't know if I'm her closet friend or she doesn't give a s**t . She appears hollow and fake and users people .
I've reached a level where my self care self love and who allow into my space is so important to me .
It's a bit scarey the space that will be left but in honesty it's more past memories than how things have been this past year and longer .
Also the letting go feels like a relief also and an excitement for more healthy relationships in the future .
Women who can look after themselves in healthy ways as I'm learning to do ..

Anyone relate ?
What are your experiences ?
Do I sound sane ?
Also I haven't used the forum for a while can people point me to where I can do some good reading around toxic people and how that operates ..
Thanks

#TW
Hi I was taken under the mental health team 2+ yrs ago when I was.experiencing flashbacks from a domestic violence situation I witnessed as a young person . I was also thinking about ending life etc . The flashback symptoms then turned into the knife was cutting me on the wrists and down my body it was awful .
I did some work with the nurse around managing anxiety and the thoughts went away ... I did increase ssri too . When I got to see the psychologist 1yr + later I worked on more relational stuff . I did want to have emdr for the flashbacks  but it wasn't available .
Fast forward to last November and with the relapse of my physical health M.E / CFS I was bed bound for 5 wks .
My stress and anxiety was through the roof and the cutting thoughts started up again . First the wrists and then it has progressed to my throat .
I have absolutely no feeling  or intent to act on these thoughts , I feel utterly mortified that they are happening .
Some days they are so full.on like today and can make me feel sick and so very anxious . This morning I woke up in full anxiety . Other days they can be less but everyday they are there in some capacity . The feelings are v hard to tolerate .
I was going to put this post in the SH section but the point is I just don't feel they are SH thoughts even though they have similar theme ,,
Does that make sense ?
I have an appointment with the psychiatrist in just under 2 wks and I really want to know what these thoughts fit into .
Am I in a  permanent flashback ?
Is it along the lines of harm OCD ?
Why do.the thoughts hurt me when I don't want to hurt myself ?
They can increase if I am extra stressed but similarly they can start up when I am having calmer periods .
I feel distressed because I don't know how to quantify what is going on with me ? It doesn't seem to be fitting in a particular box for me to get a handle on it ...
If I can know then I can start to find the way out ...at the minute it just seems so confusing ...
Any experience / knowledge I'd appreciate ...
Thanks

Hi
This is post I'm sure will sound full of self pity but I'd just like space to vent if I may ...
I just feel such a failure ..
Needed to let my career go 2.5 yrs ago due to cptsd ... Got into treatment and was doing well got discharged and then 2 mths later my m.e / CFS got much worse and bam I've been housebound for 5 mths ..
I just feel like I've failed at so much ..
Never got the long term partner , no kids , no home ownership , no car , no friendship group well I have but not close close people if u see what I mean .. no family support ..
And now I'm disabled but look fine some of the time ..
I feel so many people  out here have  got a good life but I know many don't .
How do I stop beating myself up for choices I didn't make , things I didn't strive for , problems with relationships ... It's like I've woken up to the car crash of my life ..
In my defence I have spent a lot of my life in addiction but not there anymore ...
How did I get it all so wrong when I felt I was getting it right ?

Hi all
Haven't posted for a while thanks for being here ..
A friend of 7 yrs has been significantly mentally unstable this past 2 yrs it's been difficult with her and I feel I've reached my limit .
A private psych said to her he thinks she has bpd . She already has cptsd diagnosis as do I and untreated sexual abuse from f ...

I've been seeing more a more manipulative behaviour , chaotic and pushing pulling behaviour , backtracking and contradicting self , huge emotional fall out from loss / abandonment stuff and suicidal expressions . We are both in 12 step programmes and I know she is going from person to person with her stuff and people telling her she needs outside support ...
I can also see a lot of her giving to me is to do with her clinging and am seeing more and more her lack of empathy ..
I am unwell physically with chronic health and she called me out recently saying I'm not listening to her like her other friends ... ( Not so long ago she said I was the friend she could speak to the most ) ...I said to her have I not been there the last 2 yrs supporting -- she didn't answer ..
Today I've put a boundary in and said I can't have contact unless she gets MH support ...this I was able to do with someone else's support to me ..
She said she is seeking cptsd support but i can't see this being enough ...anyway that's her bag and responsibility ..

For me I didn't see how unwell she was until this last 2 yrs ...
Before that she was reasonably stable and we had a good friendship .
She has been my closet friend..

I'm just kicking myself how did I choose someone with bpd after all the therapy and work I've done on myself I feel a failure ...
But I know I'm still healing and I did enter the  friendship a long time ago
I don't know at this point  if this friendship  .can or should continue ...
I'd Def have to have a frank conversation with her , call some things out and put some boundaries in ....but that's for the future and maybe for our sister forum .

Thing is I can't trust who I pick as friends even now cause I know I gravitate towards people with issues just like I have issues ...

I lost another long term friend last yr after seeing her dysfunction more clearly ..

I'm doomed

Lonely and doomed errr I have CFS and am pretty housebound so it's not like I'm getting opportunity to be out in society and mixing ..

I do have support in my community from other people I know friends who are more on the wider network if u see what I mean ...
People fr 12 step , gardens where I volunteered , church etc ...
I feel blessed for that ..

This will be the first time in my life I won't have anyone close close to me ...and I'm at my most vunerable due to housebound ...
It's scarey

All experience and help appreciated

Thank u !

Not sure if this is the right place to post this message...
Maybe a tab with gratitude could be good
I periodically feel an overwhelming sense to post how so v v grateful and thankful I am for this forum over the yrs...
Thank u to dear kizzie and all the team for holding space and helping the recovery ship for cptsd to. Continue sailing. The hope, the safety and the kinship.
I recommend this forum to others and I do hope they find it as amazing as I have..
I'm due to be discharged from the psych team next wk. Have been with them for 2 yrs recovering and having therapy.. They have been fantastic..
I've been blessed
There is hope for everyone with this condition.
And so as I continue on... I keep healing and re integrating and I wish the same for everyone here.
I don't use the forum as much as I did but I'll pop back and  to offer my experience to others...
Have a good day and take care

I'm. Really reaching a stage in my life when not having a partner, my own family, pets is getting me down. I have cfs /fibro too so its v hard to develop consistency to actually get a partner... And who wants to be with some one who spends so much time on the bed!
So many people have lots of close people and some hardly any...
Life seems so unfair at times..
I know there are much worse things happening in the world
Feeling lonely is horrible I really am struggling...
Any thing that helps you with it I appreciate to hear

Been in a flare up with CFS /fibro since being on hol... Its been 2 wks now..
Feels intolerable this time.. The social isolation..
Went to church this morn and may have made my physical health worse more prolonged but so needed social contact..
It was good, got v tearful and others were there to support.
Got some numbers.
I've decided I'm going to develop a 'flare up team' if people can offer practical /social support..
Everyone needs people in their life right... The phone and Internet are great but can't replace real

I was convinced I'd healed from my severe fatigue /pain issues. Just had amazing 2 wks life was opening up again. Been having chakra healing.
I'm still hopeful and the fact I had 2 good wks is great..
Back on the bed now... Fed up frustrated

Hi all
Haven't posted for a while and it's good to be back...
Need to also reach out and acknowledge newcomers is good to do that as I was new once!
I'm at a stage in my recovery where I've just finished an amazing piece of therapy... Been doing intensive trauma work of varying kinds for the past 5 yrs +..
I'm now reducing off ssri.. Have done so before but with unhealed trauma was too much and went back on.
I now feel at this stage that I can do this and keep walking with support and slowly doing it. I'm currently on 10mg it was 30mg.this last reduction has been the most bumpy..life seems big and overwhelming as I come back into a more feeling view. I'm so grateful to be at this place it's been work to get here and I've had incredible support. It's just the fear of not being in control (not that I was before but the meds give that cushion.. If I keep it in the day /the moment I'm OK.
Any postitive stories around coming off and staying off would be great...
Or indeed anyones experience of reducing...

There is a women in my recovery programme who I've known for 5 years..
I became more friends with her and stayed at her house few times ..
I now don't speak with her on recovery calls or interact with her due to her condescending ,superior and iron fist attitude. I used to take it on calls cause she used to say helpful recovery stuff but the way it was delivered id get in a bad mood and in the end wasn't worth it .
She openly says she has bpd and in some ways I think I've denied that as she has good eating disorder recovery.
Over time I've just hated her more and now I cant stand her .
This morning she was on the zoom meeting and get what she is the secretary surprise surprise .someone else was leading the meeting and there was an issue with sound .I spoke to the host and said I don't think the leader is on the line ...with that said person said ' Yes she is on the line ' in a sort a authoritative slightly aggressive way ....
My anger went off like a rocket (internally)  and I was close to saying something of which I didn't and am glad I didn't...I wanted to say why do u talk to people like they are idiots !
I'm now wondering if she is a narc she seems to fit the bill ...really inflated sense of self importance yet I know from her that she has crushing low self worth..
I'm not saying i don't have some personality issues to work on and my goodness i can be condesending and ego at times too..
I want to work on this anger I have towards her and be able to let it go ...its only eating me up..she is a sick person and I don't need to interact ..
I have thought about not going to that meeting but it is one of the UK meetings and I need to be there to help newcomers ..
My lesson from today is to not offer any comments about the meeting ,just do my share and be quiet ...
I need to not focus on this women and expect her do what she does and know it's nothing to do with me ...
It helps me to reflect on my own behaviour and when I'm being self righteous ego etc how that must be for other people ...glad I can see it a bit more in myself and can work with it ...
Any thoughts /experiences on the behaviour i describe about her ...the condescending ,superior ,iron fist type ...
Any ways to think abouT it deal with it ?

Relationships are hard.. When they are working they are amazing when there is struggle I just run..
I'm fearful of speaking up.. Being able to do this in a considerate and kind way..
Then I go understand drown in resentment, anger, venom and am left choking..
All thoughts welcome

Hi all
Not sure if this is posted in the right place?
I've just had a lightbulb moment...
I had recent contact with Ubpd m and it went done Hill rapidly. When I made the decison to go NC again (3 Rd time lucky) I was surprised I didn't go into EF although I did when we were in contact.
However I had about 1.5 wks of severe Outer Critic I can now see this was a fear response. It was playing out in all my thinking /interactions with people in my life.. A loud critical /judgemental everyone is stupid useless and I need to control them. I've read about outer critic before but what has happened is i haven't seen it so clearly as a fear response and also that it's my m voice projecting through me towards others... Basically what she did and does like 24/7.
I feel a relief from both these realisations.. Once I got a hold of why and how I began to take hold and come back to self compassion and compassion and acceptance of others as good enough. Things now have resumed to a sembelence of normal which I'm most pleased about.
I don't know where outer critic posts are put on the board and I get the feeling this isn't the right thread..
Anyone know?

Feel sad today and that is OK.. Sometimes I do.
No psychoanalysis just sad feelings..
Laying here thinking I wish I had a mother.. But the reality is I do, and she is far too unwell and unstable to be near. Its always been this way. Sometimes I'd like to speak to someone who understands from a different perspective someone who has a well mother. But then if someone says how sad it is and how I deserve to have one I don't really feel anything because it's not how it is.. And what's the point of morning.
However, today here on my own I feel it. I wish I had a mother.
I used to think I was adopted and one day I'd find my family, I believed this.
Wouldn't that be something. I've had recent contact with my m after yrs and it went horribly wrong so hence its raw.
It would be so nice to have a m that was caring, thoughtful, loving, kind, patient, nurturing.. In fact I wouldn't mind not changing m just having the one I've got we have a lot in common..
My f has a real father that he never met, he was an American pilot during the 2nd World War.. I could have a whole family I've never met. My f is 74 and doesn't want to do any tracing. I'd like to I think . I might find my that my f has half brother /sister they would be my uncle or aunt,, cousins etc..
Thing is all I have is my grandfather's name no dob.. No other info..
And if existing family don't know about my f they won't be looking...
It's a long shot..
And then to feel. Connected to people who are connected to someone I never met...

Urrrrr

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201411/the-borderline-parent-survival-guide

Hi so I've gone NC with Ubpd m for the 3rd time.. First when I was 24, went back for a year then NC for another 12 yrs.. 2 mths ago I went back actually to face and tell my trauma story to M which I did  but got a bit sucked in afterwards in fairy land which quickly went down hill rapidly.
Made firm decison now  to go NC now.
I've blocked her number, blocked social media...
The issues I'm debating at the moment  is just to walk away and say nothing or to write a letter and state my position.
My psychologist suggested the letter as a possibility.
My reasons for just walking away is she will be raging whatever I do so... My fears of her manipulating within the family are high.. Painting me as the ever evolving black sheep.
My motives for writing a letter could be as follows :
I'm standing in my power and stating my position loud and clear.
If it blows up in the wider family ie my maternal grandmother now I've made my position clear it feels it could be easier to do the same with her and not shrink.
In the letter I would like to say that I would if we see each other in the future (my grandma is frail and in her last mths probably) I wish to be sevil and adult about it.
Also it seems if I write a letter she gets a clear message and boundary, isn't left hanging which potentially leaves me more vulnerable by her sending letters or sending messages via my grandmother.

I want this situation to be as clean as is possible..

Anyone have experience on this and could share?

Or any thoughts based on own knowledge of pd?

It's been a painful week... Turbulent.
I first went NC with Ubpd m 22 yrs ago and this was for 10yrs. I went back for a year and went NC for the 2nd time. 2 mths ago I made contact as I wanted to face m (this was done on the phone) and tell my story of what it was like for me back then done without blame and I was able to call out the abuse. I did this as I didn't feel I could lift a part of the shame until I heard myself speak it to her. I've done extensive trauma therapy and made the call genuinely not looking or needing any validation or apology.
I def felt and still feel a sense of liberation. What I didn't plan for was how well the call went after. We spent hours catching up, laughing etc etc.
I had 2 calls after that and things went down hill. Rapidly. I went go into the story but it was overwhelming and I got triggered quite badly.
After a hard week this wk speaking to others in recovery and praying today I made the decision to go nc.
I sobbed this morning really sobbed I wanted it to work.
I am glad I saw things clearly sooner rather than later and I'm glad I've made the decision and can focus on being kind to me and my continued healing..
Danger is not something I want to mess with...

Hi all
Just wanted to post about the challenges of social isolation and cfs /fibromyalgia symptoms..
I mean covid or not my symptoms would be happening but I guess what I'm finding challenging is not having the energy to do as much stuff as I'd like...
Maybe doesn't help when I see Instagram /Facebook etc and people are jumping, dancing, singing, creating etc..
I can do bits of things and this is what I need to remember... Its not having the energy to go for a walk or bike which is frustrating.... Too much time in my head..
I seem to spend a lot of time in my mind thinking of all the things I want to do, used to do, it is all whirling around. I'm a creative type but get blocked although I am doing bits...
I guess it all boils down to the same ol same ol I'm not enough, I don't do enough blah blah...
I've just wrote lots of ideas in a journal and will work each day with a little plan and focus so I feel good..
Anyone got any tips experiences on finding it hard to focus, stay with a project, progress in hobbies?
Anyone else with physical health challenges?