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Please help -- head pain
So I work as a nurse on an acute ward which is very busy and complex --
Many nurses say they don't feel they are enough in their job 'good enough'
The thing for me is this is mixed with the inner critic / perfectionist mode so whilst some of the 'your not good enough- your the worst nurse- look you can't do that right blah blah ' head goes on it is actually mixed with some reality of being a nurse in a busy environment with so many things to do / issues going on / information overload. When this all mixes together it's too too much and I can't decifer what is coming from where or how to distangle and get some perspective...
I so want to feel good enough in my job ( or is that even true - maybe it's the perfectionist stuff playing where I actually want to be a great nurse I want to glow and people say 'wow she is a great nurse '
All of this is really driving me down -- I'm actually signed off sick at the moment as I had a collapse mentally and am now back on anti depressants
The obvious solution would be to get out of nursing but after lots of soul searching I don't want to give up my career and actually whatever job I went to if still carry this head with me ...
It's become an obsession now and even though I'm not at work at the moment my head is constantly going over and over all the reasons I'm not a good enough nurse -- and the things I find difficult
I have requested extra support at work through supervision and have gone through occupational health - am also awaiting assessment from psychology
In the mean time any suggestions / people's experiences / help if greatly appreciate --
The fear I feel from this thinking is acute and the feelings of overwhelm and hopelessness --

Hi I came off anti dep and was fine initially - good even - I felt was getting my life on track and moving forward... Then started feeling more anxious esp at work - became more obsessional and trying to control the external as I felt more out of control... And then bam my thoughts were all consuming 'your worthless useless etc ... I left work ( and am off sick now) and used the behaviour of binge eating which I have been abstinent from for nearly a yr --
Am now back on the anti dep and feel some benefit but my head is still full of hopeless thoughts around my life and The areas that are unstable - my work- home - relationships -- I was also going to move city but won't be doing that any time soon -
Feels my life has been turned upside down
I wake up in terror and the anxiety is bad throughout the day - I am still doing recovery grps and today met friend and went for a walk - creating structure to my day and attending to things the best way I can --
My mind is just so fearful and keeps telling me I am going to lose everything -
I don't have anyone close close to me - people I can speak to but no one who is close to support me ( another thing I beat myself for -
I have 2 assessments pending for mental health - one with the service where I saw child trauma therapist before -
But my thoughts are of hopeless ness -- nothing more can be done for me - assigned a life on anti depressants and numbing -- feel I'm at a blank

Thank u for letting me write - it helps me to see that it is my thinking that really is the problem -
Any suggestions to aid me at present I would greatly appreciate - I have some ability to self soothe ie tell myself 'I will look after you ' but any other suggestions to calm me would be helpful --
This is a really tough time for me and I'm so scared ...
I am off to a mental health support group now to see if I can find some relief --
Best wishes to anyone struggling today

Hi
I have an assessment coming up with psychiatrist -
I'm scared
Scared of what I'll say - sometimes I don't even know how to explain my experiences or what is really happening with me

I'm also scared they will say 'personality issues ' as that is what they said last time.

The difference now though is I did see primary services and did some work with child trauma therapist she said it did seem my thoughts were right on cptsd
So that has to count when I see the psych right ?

I'm scared my worst fear is they say bpd ( which really seems what my mother has
But I own lots of empathy and I don't lash out and hurt others

Hi
Here in the uk complex PTSD isn't diagnosed and so I'm wondering what tact to take with psych services. Someone in recovery told me she was diagnosed with PTSD from child trauma -
Does anyone else have experience of this ...
I seem fixated on getting a diagnosis - I just want to be taken seriously and get the right treatment - plus so I can take it to my work and say 'look this is what I have
I dunno if I think about it too much I get worked up .....

Here I am again - well not so much today but the previous day's - when I reach a mental/ emotional bottom, when I can't cope anymore and when I feel in despair .
I just relapsed on binge eating after nearly a year of abstinence. It wasn't I believe that I wasn't working a good programme but I see now that my psychological state was killing me and I wasn't coping at work. I went to the gp and said 'the child trauma therapy I had was very good but 12 wks wasn't long enough for me to integrate it and I need longer term support .. He has now referred me to secondary services for assessment -
There isn't a diagnosis here in the uk for 'complex PTSD ' so I don't know what will happen - I can't control it will have to wait and see. I've also self referred to the primary service who I saw before ( might as well cover all basis ).
I can't work at the moment - I can't cope with it - I'm going to refer to occ health and also have an honest conversation with my manager re my mental health.
A friend tonight was challenging my inner critic I said to him maybe tonight wasn't the time to have this conversation. It is complex and of course I know it's not rational. Someone in recovery ( who I respect ) also said 'just ignore your head'
But the truth is I can see I have psychological damage and I am powerless to fix it I can't do it alone I need help ....I tried to ignore it - I tried to know it's not the truth ...
I started back on anti depressant aswell ---
I hate being mentally unstable I'm sick of it .. But I need to remember I have had lots of good times and wellness. This is just a fork in the road ....
I feel scared but I just need to focus on now and keeping my abstinence on track
I pray I will get the right help -- I just want to be able to keep well and live a life that feels safe and not to stressful --

Hi I used the site last yr and have been away focusing on food addiction..
I am now back as relapsed and struggling with the symptoms of cptsd .. It seems I have come to the point where I need more support. I went to the gp this morning and I have been referred to adult psychiatry -
I did do short term work with child trauma therapist last yr but it wasn't long enough to integrate it I then came off anti dep and the past few wks have been mentally really hard hence food relapse ..
I am in a quandary as to wether  to take anti depressants again ( hate side effects and yes have tried many ) but tbh can't see I can work without them ...so good to have the option --
All experience welcome
I have the Pete walker book but tbh I find it really difficult to process and get my head around --
Where do I go from here -
Tired with it all

Hello
I've realised today that doing 12 step recovery and cptsd recovery has been a lot of work and now am going to focus on 12 step and how that can benefit my overall mental health -

So signing off for now and wanting to say a big thank u for everything I've recieved here up to this point

Sending best wishes to all and sincere thank u

Last Saturday I went into emotional flashback and I'm still in it - 1 week later

She made judgement about me and smaller judgements and bam sent into the turbulent world of complex ef -
This week any judgement / opinion from others has just increased it

My symptoms
Racing heart
Paranoid
Want to isolate
Low mood
Anxiety / fear
Dread
Terror re others triggering me

Help please !!!

I let the 'friendship go yesterday - I can't be around judgemental - lack of middle ground people
I'm noticing I get attracted to sickly nice and narcissistic people ---

I seem to have finally reached a place where I feel more functional and together -
*note not 'fixed' just another layer of recovery

I have sent an intention 'to connect with more functional people as friends ' this doesn't necessarily mean people who have no issues I mean 'who doesn't ' that's what I'm realising but people who have awareness and working on themselves

I feel done with making friends with co dependence issues - I can see this is because I've had / can still have my own issues with this area - but I now have made a promise that I seek more functional relating -
I don't want to control I don't want to be controlled
I don't want others to cling - I don't want to cling
Having a foundation of 'who I am - and the other having that too
Not being subservient and visa versa -

Two souls meet - as equals - dance and be happy
Struggles yes - but able to own and manoeuvre without projection

Happy healthy conscious 💓✨

All experiences / welcome
Ps pllease don't ask me questions ( this is triggering for me )
Kind regards

Hi
My t said 'it seems the hardest area for people to work with is the relational work ( relating to others )..

Yep can relate to that one ...

I can see am on the shiny beginning of attracting more healthy relationships - this is my intention from now

It seems Easier now to spot co dependence illness in others and I can see I've come on with this myself
Last nite I was with a women 'friend' and there was on judgement of me after another - she was disinterested in things I was sharing (ie not listening and not present and I more judgement came when I didn't answer her need to be confirmed -
It's easy to be resentful but I know today co dependence is an illness

Progression for me is that I worked to stay in my own power and not get too sucked in --
Took it to meditation time this morning and it feels right to 'leave'

For me now it's about listening to that voice/ feeling inside of 'I'm not enjoying this relationship ' trust my judgement

I intend to relate to others who aren't in co dependence illness who have done 'enough work on self and work on relating
In the meantime I continue to work on my progress in relating

My issues have / can still be
Being closed off - freezing when I find someone difficult esp when they talk too much
Being too switched on and open - bringing the wrong people too close
Beating myself up for not being Perfect in my relating
Taking in others feelings / personalities
Feeling guilty being in my own energy ie I should be in your energy - you are more important
Feeling judged by others

The recovery is -
Finding more middle ground in relating ie taking more of me ' out of the equation and just relating in general - having fun keeping it light sometimes - doesn't have to be ll emotional and doom gloom
Accepting myself where I am t any given time
Being in myself and feeling ok with that - it's good to be in my own energy - I am important and I can do this and relate with others too ( find this difficult
And as  result of this I hope to 'feel less judged by others as I have less out ward radar

Do people relate ' ( ha ha to this stuff
What have been your experiences ?
Recovery ideas v welcome 💓

Last week of anti dep withdrawal

Very grateful to reach this stage - I feel real hope

Feeling my emotion more - but scarey or how it goes up and down so vastly
But I am liking not being so numb and am more awake and less zombie

Feel tears come in my eyes when something touches me - haven't felt this for so long
Very rarely cried on tablets

My heart isn't beating as fast

Hopeful

Tears - I feel I've reached a really good point in my recovery - it's been a long hard journey

Fear - too good to be true ?

Hi I wanted to share about my perfectionism and ask if others have same / similar

Obsessional thinking started for me in my teen yrs - I'd do rhymes to aid relief of my anxiety -
Lining things up was also prevalent - order

Later in life it's been an issue and I've worked on the compulsive stuff but still a work in progress with mentally trying to order things and what I have to do

I'm noticing lately that I'm getting more obsessive around order again and checking - and checking in my mind things in the future -
It seems the premise is 'if I get things perfect everything will be ok '
I seem to have a great fear of 'things going wrong and getting into trouble '
I want everything to be perfect - perfect me perfect you perfect world - I want to know everything be everything and be perfectly perfect -

Oh the madness of it

I know underlyingly its fear - and I know where it stems from - but changing it - now that's a different story -

How does it get changed ? Anyone have any success or is it a problem for you ?

It's an odd thing because it's not me yet it is ---

Mindfulness does help - and learning to tolerate the feelings of uncomfortableness of non perfection

The Outer Critic projects onto others the same processes of perfectionism and endangerment that the inner critic uses against the self. It perseverates about the unworthiness [imperfection] and treacherousness [dangerousness] of others to avoid emotional investment in relationships for fear they will replicate early parental betrayals.   (Reference: http://pete-walker.com/pdf/ShrinkingOuterCritic.pdf)

Indeed ! And I'm fed up with it - I did a transformational breath workshop today and did some grief tears 'I'm fed up to the back teeth of this head'
I can see have made some good progress on inner critic but the outer is rife -
Being around anyone and bang there it is - I'm not willing to isolate myself anymore but I can't say I'm enjoying this either -
The worst part is then I feel shame and guilt for having these angry and perfectionist thoughts about people and so the cycle continues ....
It seems the next stage is to start working with the thoughts but right now -
I just feel fed up with having cptsd -
It's exhausting - hard work and boring -
But that's just today and know it will pass
For now I need to take a break ---
Am coming off anti dep too and that's rough ---

It's just crazy I feel like a bad person for having these very thoughts that are trying to protect me -
As if I've not had enough yrs feeling like a bad person -

Any support etc gladly received

Hi
I suffer fairly bad concentration and memory problems and I've been putting them down to anti dep..
Now I am coming off it and I wonder if the problems I have are more cptsd related -

I am recognising that fear puts my mind in another place where I can't be present - it's really frustrating me -
I am trying to learn to drive and my work is affected too

Memory is crap esp short term - it seems everyone around me is functioning normally ( that may be true and it may not
I have to write everything down

Do u have experience of this ?
What do u attribute it to ?
Any solutions ?

Best wishes 🌸🌿

Hey what do u love the most in the world - what makes your heart sing

I have found this is important for us -
Anchoring to our inner self what we love
What nourishes us -

Do you do it enough ?
Is it hard to do ?
Would u like to expand on it ...

Hello
This app headspace has been developed my a guy I. The U.K. Who moved to the west and became a master in mindfullness
His voice I find so relaxing -
The first level is free and once I unsubscribed the app still gave me access
The meditations are 10 mins so I find them easy to use whilst in my everyday life at work is good
He works through the breath - body and mind very skilled - simple and I have found very effective

Pete w talks about our high arousel caused by cptsd and I am finding doing some meditation every day v helpful
To have freedom from that jangling inside is beautiful

Enjoy hope u like it too

Last night my ic was feeling the pain -
I was laying there and the compassion I felt was so good - I didn't feel self pity as I have in the past or the 'why me '

I lay there ic sad and me feeling care and compassion and being aware of the storm I've been in and how the symptoms of cptsd affect me today

I'm so grateful for all
The help I've recieved so far and my ic needs me to be there present caring and nurturing

Hello so here goes ,,,
It's week one of anti depressant withdrawal

I am hopeful and fearful that this time I'll be able to stay off them

Anti dep have deaf played a valid part in my recovery and brought me back when I've been in the depths of despair and poor mental health - I am grateful I had them
However, I feel I have reached a point where I have learnt about c PTSD - learnt about my fear and self hated - have now got abstinent from all my addictions and have a lot of emotional support
And all of these things aid me to say 'maybe I can manage my internal/ external world without medication ....

I really hope so

So I thought I'd start a thread so I can write about my experience if withdrawal to help me and maybe it will help someone else - support on his forum is always so welcome and strong

Today I was in a recovery meeting and burst into tears - it felt so good to cry - anti dep has def taken away that ability to emotionally cathart - it felt good after - a release
Also this eve I had a big feeling of self compassion - I find when I'm not on meds I get to self grieve and Pete walker talks about this as important in somatic healing in his book - I feel sad for what ive been through and also feel a kindness towars myself - and a feeling of ' I go through what I do because I have cptsd not because I'm an inherently bad / wrong / stupid/ flawed  person

Being sedated on meds has taken away from me this past yr - here's to waking up 

This is just a general blurt

Sometimes I feel fed up and empty - it doesn't happen that often thankfully but when it does its full on
Then I am thinking well people without cptsd feel this and have difficult times

I think what it flags up for me is the lacking in myself of emotionally coping and being kind to myself -
When I look objectively I seem like an empty shell who is in distress ...
As I'm writing this I can see that the ability to be objective shows I'm here and present for the distress somehow ...
I'm wondering if the 'being in distress is connected to ef ? I'm not even too sure what that means in relation to an inner experience
I feel frozen when I'm like this -

I just get fed up with 'working on myself ' and at these times I want to add insult to injury and use something to numb - tonight the best I have is tv ( not so bad eh

I am staying with my father at present for the wk end -
I want to be a daughter - his behaviour makes it difficult - it hasn't been an easy day at all ---
He now doesn't live with my mother (bpd type ) I don't know what type he is ? Narc / aspergers possibly -
He was abused and controlled by m also and in a lot of ways it's like he is a brother rather than a father -
Today whilst we were in the house his behaviour was so similar to m it was weird - obsessive like she is / concerned about things that she used to be / being negative towards me with what seemed my every move - lack of boundaries
I said to him 'your making me feel comfortable keep giving a commentary on what I am doing -
He then left me more alone for the rest of the day...

Tonight we went to his local and his behaviour escalated - he goes into ego weird mode in those environments - it's like he turns into this ego driven show off in front of his 'mates ' . He put his arm around me when he saw his friend across the bar and made a point of gripping me and smiling at his mate -( his friend doesn't k is me )  I felt like his trophy and that he was acting like I was someone ' a the mystery women - -  his girlfriend
This sounds somewhat imaginary but it was how it felt and also he has done this type of behaviour before eg when his friend asked if I was his girlfriend and he then didn't give an answer -
So we then go over to his friend ( this evening and he tells him I am his daughter and then points at his friend and says 'ahhh in a 'got you kind of a way
I felt angry - I know this stuff too well from the past and I wanted to say something but it didn't feel right time as he had alcohol in him
Later on to add insult to injury his friend made a comment of me being beautiful
What a bloody day - I am now in bed and got tearful -
I know he is mentally unstable and all the other ways he is annoying / difficult to be around I can deal with but this behaviour I cannot -
I will need to speak with him and put the boundary in - when the time is right