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Topics - Boatsetsailrose

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Anxiety (eg General, Social, Panic Attacks) / Social anxiety
« on: September 25, 2015, 09:30:56 PM »

I would like to ask if people could share their experience of social anxiety and what they have done / do to help -
It's driving me a bit nuts - especially if someone is talkative or lacks boundaries or is dominant type of personality - I just freeze
I feel like a small child again

After writing this I realise that maybe it's because of my mother as she lacked boundaries and was dominant -

How do I work to hold my own re social anxiety / people who seem to dominant and I feel threatened and violated  ???

Successes, Progress? / Moving on - life transitions
« on: September 25, 2015, 02:26:31 PM »
So - after waking up to my low esteem / worth - co dependence issues and emotional availability / relationship problems - I then looked at my fiancée and felt 'I don't want to be with him anymore ..
Other problems in the relationship validated this and so I ended things ..
Whilst I feel good about my decision and where I am at - today I feel sad and a sense of sadness and loss / that alone feeling..
I have just been to his to move some of my belongings and it was really hard - I couldn't breathe -
I really did think he was 'the one' and is was hence we were together 4 yrs and friends before that -

Today it's ok to be sad - I'm not using drugs or alcohol or food - ( just a small dose anti depressant -
I feel in the best place I have ever felt due to recovery yet I do feel frightened a lot of the time --

Social anxiety is a big one for me - I find it really hard to be around most people - if not all - but I know as I focus in and use the tools I've learnt I'll be ok -
Intimacy with others is something I want now even though I hyperventilate ... Practice practice hey

So just for today I allow all these feelings and get support and be compassionate with myself -
My inner critic will try and have a little go but no - awareness is there - outer critic will try and isolate me - but no awareness aids me

Just for today self worth comes from me and that is a good place to start - ...
And so the journey continues to pastures new ....

*trigger warning *


Thank u for being here :)
I seem to be getting the hang of what are my triggers / ef situations.

Firstly - this sensitivity around other people - really being sensitive to their moods, body language , their energetics and behaviour.
An example of this - yesterday my house mate comes bounding in excited she has a new car and asks if I want to see it . I walk to the door and smile and say ' ooh it's shiney '. She bounds ahead as if to show me up close . I don't move .
When back in the house she is 'high in emotion' and that is ok right ok for her.
I am not high on emotion - I'm just level-
I can see her reading my body language - lack of boundaries - in my space and I feel very uncomfortable. I work to hold my own - be friendly and receptive / expressive but not people please or put on the actress
We interact for some time
Then the guilt - start to feel guilty - I'm not what she wanted me to be -
Feel bad for not being more enthusiastic
This spirals into 'I'm a bad person ' 'I'm not normal ' feelings of guilt and then later darker thoughts - and hiding in bed
Whilst all this is happening I am able to almost watch myself 'be objective ' and know I am in a flash back - these always tend to lead to 'I'm a bad person ' default settings
I look at p walkers chapter 8 emergency list and take on some of the points / actions
I speak with someone on the phone and tell of my sentitivity to others -
The person talks about 'they have learnt to say no in lots of ways and it has got better -
Being authentic

Being able to say no - that's it - I May feel guilt ( and I don't want to ) but I know this is right - asserting my own boundaries but staying kind
Focusing on me and not them so much
What do I need right now

Being authentic without being rude
Yes !
Any tips from p walker book or elsewhere gratefully received ( I'm finding his book hard to digest I think

Emotions spiral quick in me - being able to watch them and see they are not fact is very liberating
I am a good person is a belief I feel more honestly these days

To feel comfortable in my own skin is my one true aim :)

My therapist said relating tends to be our hardest area - how true !

Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Winds of change - I'm leaving him
« on: August 18, 2015, 05:51:35 AM »
Wasn't sure where to put this post - so if it needs moving that's ok

Due to cptsd I have been held back in my relationships only choosing emotionally unavailable men -
Not saying I haven't been unemotionally available but actually I think it's more I've been too emotionally available

I am leaving him -
It's been 4 yrs with a lot of difficult feelings and suppression..
I've finally woke up
I can see clearly that I have been repeating this pattern to replay my foo being unavailable and me being care taker , nurse , counsellor and general pacifier - not thinking of my own needs - thinking of others -
I finally feel I have played this pattern enough now - I've truly woken up to the choices I have made and the emptiness I have been trying to fill - staying in the end for security
This time I feel absolutely 'done' no more Nader .
I don't know what the future holds and I don't need to know ( because it's today :)
But I do know that today I shall learn about me and cptsd and how to work with it with the new found awareness I am experiencing
When people have said 'need to love yourself first ' I've never really got that but now I do
Compassion for myself and who I am - no secrets - no hiding - me -
I've never really thought about what my principles are for what I need and deserve in relating - I've just always felt 'less than ' when things arnt right and it has fed into shame
I'm changing and I feel I have more dignity than ever - an integrity I have never felt before -
It  feels good like a birth right

I've spent so much of my life feeling less than - it's time now for that to be an old story not the new one

I'm fearful of sitting and splitting up
With man - it could get ugly ( my fear ) but I have support and it feels right to do it face to face and be clear -
'I am ending the relationship ' it feels more than the present it feels like I am cutting some binds to the past too -
I deserve equality in my relationships and relating I can see that now fully -
Be cautious in the future and to stay steady within myself that emotional regulation stuff

I'm so grateful to be able to talk here and to be listened to
Thank you

Books & Articles / Pete walker book
« on: August 09, 2015, 08:40:46 PM »

I was and still am looking forward to working with. Walkers book
However, I'm finding it depressing and judgemental ...
His use of personality disorder labelling is triggering me -
( I can't bare  the idea of being personality disordered ( as in psychiatric label

I'm finding there is a lot of 'psychology in comparison to the recovery tools

Having said that I've only looked through it briefly twice and tonight read the chapter on outer critic

Any experiences with this book greatly appreciated
I'm having trouble ...

I cried today as my outer critic seems unstoppable especially towards my fiancé
It feels liberating yet painful to be aware of what comes out of my mouth but yet seem powerless to do anything to change it --

My voice says critical , controlling stuff not accepting of other people

I know this is my mother talking and the ingrained pattern in me -

I don't want to be this - I want to get rid
By the same token in light of how I was criticised judged and worse - I know I'm not being abusive but my behaviour is less than ideal

Any experience on this area appreciated ....
I just received p walker book but am away at present so don't have access to it

For now I am going to visualise a STOP sign before I react - breathe and am hoping this will give me time for my brain to engage in better responses
Feel low today ...😕

Any ideas things that have helped others I appreciate

Friends / Relationships
« on: July 07, 2015, 06:45:30 PM »
Hi :)

My biggest area I struggle with is relationships

I have withdrawn from them really in terms of friendships
I am now back in the arena ( tentatively ) and putting myself out there more
I can see I have worked on my codependency stuff a lot and also showing who I am so people can see me
The thing I am experiencing at the moment is 'why is it always me who makes more effort than the other person and then it feeds into the 'I am un likeable lie'
Is it because I am too needy I expect too much from people ?
I just really want to be loved
I have joined a walking group so that is good and is opening things up
I know I am likeable but I fear  that I shall still be attracted to people who can't emotionally give to me --
How will I know ?
I have a friend and we broke up not too long ago - she got offended that I didn't acknowledge her at a group and we haven't spoken since - we had such a good connection and bond
Sad :(
Any experience in this area greatly received
Many thanks

General Discussion / Negative mind - wanting to change this
« on: June 20, 2015, 02:18:36 PM »
I have just finished working with a child trauma specialist and we did some great work-
One of my features is this negative dominate thinking that is negative towards other people. I am really ready to start working with this and find new ways to have a healthier attitude -
When I have this thinking such as 'she is so useless - I hate her and then have a bad attitude which I can see leaks out to the person mostly through me disengaging and being cold -
My sponsor says this is self hatred turned inwards and I find that an interesting concept- I do have high expectations of both myself and others -
This type of thinking is exactly my mothers behaviour in the past and when that negative dialogue is happening in my head it makes me feel like her-- yuk

I'm ready to move on - to be more loving and vulnerable in the world of non perfection- a
Does anybody have experience of working with this and the results they see

How did u do it cbt ? Other methods ?
I want to and am commuted to stopping this barrier between me and others for I to show niceness and for people to like me for me --
I am a good person it's just my head isn't -

Hi I am yet to read Pete walkers book but wanted to ask if anyone knows anymore about cortisol in relation to cptsd and over arousal symptoms ?

A lot of the time I feel like electric charge is running through my body and don't feel calm.. I practice meditation / quiet time everyday and it does help -

I read in one post about doing exercise to help - maybe this was in relation to what I am trying to explain here ?

It def feels like a physical response to being around people -

I would like to learn more about this 'electric charge feeling and maybe the link with high cortisol and over arousal and how to work with it - ways to reduce it

Many thanks in advance :)

General Discussion / FEAR of not being in control ....
« on: June 03, 2015, 08:46:08 PM »
For a long time now I have struggled with fear and control symptoms to try and elevate that fear - and that the things that I do/ think about seem to create more fear - a vicious cycle-
I have to admit I'm getting a tad bored/ exasperated with it now -
My first memories would be when I was a young teen and I would have rituals such as saying a rhyme when I went to the toilet - as I had a fear of rats coming up the toilet ! I would also line things up in my room although my mother instilled this one - I learnt relaxation techniques at a young age from a magazine and would do them before I went to sleep ..
In my early 20s I became v mentally unwell and would have major panic attacks ..
As I've got into recovery for addictions over the past 5 yrs I have noticed that my feelings of not being in control have become in some ways more prevalent - it seems strange as in other ways I feel secure and know who I am much more ...
Since putting down food addiction I very much see that I am now experiencing some things that were covered up by the food -almost a reliving of the climate that was my family home all
Those yrs ago -
The most distressing of those is feeling overwhelmed that I am not in control of life and my mind works over time to try and find ways of things I need to do ( as in every day tasks ) in order to feel more in control.. The thing is it doesn't matter 'how I make lists and tell myself that everything is in order - it doesn't take away 'the fear' and my fear --
I have always seemed to focus on the 'things that I need to do and tonight I had an ephipany that it's not the things it's to do with my anxiety of feeling frightened ..
When I talk to other people in recovery they say they understand but I don't get a sense that they do-
I have my last session with child trauma therapist next week and it doesn't really feel appropriate to bring this up now ( I don't know why I failed to bring it as an issue to the sessions ? It's seems I forgot - the last session is about reflection
Can anyone relate to what I am explaining here ? And / or offer any context to it -
I do have a sense that something bad is going to happen and I know that fits into the medical model of 'anxiety disorder -
What I would like to understand is how what I describe fits into cptsd and what can be done to calm myself work with these experiences -
My therapist has given me a link to compassionate mind website which I am yet to look at and cbt resources -
I do meditation everyday and practise a spiritual way of life -
I am yet to buy Pete walkers book so if anyone knows if that is relavent to what I am explaining here or other resources / ways I would appreciate hearing about them
Many thanks and I wish u well :) x

This week I came back from my partners back to my life... There is nothing wrong with my life and I have worked to make it as manageable as possible ..
I did however get a huge sense of stress and feeling overwhelmed ++ and anxiety where I was finding it hard to breathe- as this continued I felt more out of control - trying to assert control with ocd type thinking -
Whilst in it I had a big sense of 'this experience just doesn't fit my current situation ! Nothing was particularly pending, there were no outstanding issues and all was well -
I sat with the feelings and went into some meditation and honed in on the fear - I realised that I was terrified of something going wrong, being verbally attacked or criticised - someone coming and having a go at me ...
Then it clicked 'this is all stuff from my childhood and I sat and accepted it and acknowledged that it is not real in the current situation - this helped a lot
And then I developed an affirmation ( I don't usually like affirmations but someone suggested it and so I took it on)
' I am safe and in gods care - I am safe in the universe -
After that the fear started to pass and life began to look normal again

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Learning to feel loved
« on: May 07, 2015, 06:27:15 PM »

Hello I would like to share a link with you

I haven't explored it much yet but I am drawn to the exercises inc mindfullness

All best wishes (love ootf ) x

Really need to post tonight and very grateful for this forum and people just like me (in terms of this stuff..

I am getting to see so clearly my need to have people like me and my need for attention.. 'what about me!! Is a common voice I hear inside myself lately ..  :pissed:
It feels good though - that I can hear that part of me (addiction free) and that I get to be something different to get my needs met...
Neg auto thoughts I get a lot are 'they don't like me' and I feel such shame for being me - but I put on a jokey front - to get attention-
I am learning to be vulnerable (a little at a time) eye contact and sharing a little of me and my life - so others can see who I am - it's scarey but it feels good
I want to be parented by people - I think that's what it is - for others to include me - nurture me - and I'm getting to see how relating is a two way thing ( I used to be too over caring for others -

The other thing I'm struggling with is critical thinking of my partner - he just isn't good enough on any level (according to my head ) and tonight I had a realisation that that voice is my mothers to my father - the fundamental message is - 'you don't make me feel whole ' and of course no one does until we feel whole ourselves -

I am so grateful to be able to write this evening and share -
It's been such a long journey but I really see am making progress -
Getting my needs met both internally and in relationships - new ground to a new life xx

Hello  :wave:
The previous post felt so valuable that I have made a part 2 to carry it on (hope I've done it right )

Yes collapsing in private has been a real feature for me the past 5 yrs ( since I've been in recovery clean sober and now free from food too :)

Living without the 'fixing' and living a more honest and truthful way - being the high sensitive / cptsd variety - but still driven to keep going and cope ( if I don't who will ?
This past yr I have learnt through sheer exhaustion / mental health that I have to put myself first and work second - friendships and social have taken a real back seat and it's been very much about rest - lots of sleep - support and starting the journey of taking true care of myself with some gentleness and not allowing the inner critic to be in charge -

I feel v grateful that I've had this time .
I used to think after feeling so drained and exhausted after being in the outside world that I must have ME or some physical illness that I didn't know about -
Now I feel that it was a long accumulation of stress and burnout - childhood effects that needed processing - time out and convalescence have been so important and valuable and I would suggest to anyone to take what is needed ( within reason I know we need to live / money etc - putting our recovery 1 St I feel is so important .. My experience is with this at the forefront ideas and things become possible that never entered the radar before. For example I now work a 4 day week and survive fine on the money - I don't take on many other to dos and I put the following as a priority
Time for myself
Time to slowly build more social time / make friends
And I really like the conversation before about rocks / crystals
I carry a polished piece of rose quartz - it really helps my fuzzy achy head :) xx

I want to share how I feel esp on days I work -
I feel very overloaded and drained ..
Have spent a lot of yrs over sleeping and hiding to cope -
Now I am doing a 12 step programme for eating I have a routine which requires me to be up early and take actions in any given day-
I am on anti depressants too and these are sedating ( tried others etc
How do people cope with tiredness in the mind and body -
I feel like I want to sit or lay down such a lot and meditating is good for mental process - it's like my system is over loaded and I need a long time to de load -
Feel that I try my best and rest where I can but the truth is I always need and want more - I feel safe alone in the dark
I don't have ME I don't think
It does feel like my body speaks my mind
I am in therapy in recovery have support do meditation eat well - sometimes I feel despairing with how drained I feel and don't know what to do - other times I feel better have energy
I don't have many friends or social as I literally can't put the energy in -
Any experiences / ideas welcome
Thanks me listening
Emma x

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