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Topics - Boatsetsailrose

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General Discussion / CAT therapy
« on: June 18, 2019, 07:18:24 PM »
So after assessment with the psychologist we have agreed that CAT therapy (cognitive analytical therapy) is the option I am going to take to work on the relational stuff. She explained that the model used is looking at how I was related to as a child and then working with the current difficulties to promote change.
I feel v grateful to have this offered to me and it def feels right for  the next bit of my recovery journey...
I so want some further recovery in who I am pulled to have a friendship with and to be able to develop relationships with healthier people, people who have the capacity to care about me as I care about them..
I so want to be more connected with people in my life on a closer level..

Employment / What's jobs/career is good for cptsd people?
« on: June 18, 2019, 07:14:59 PM »
I wanted to gleen if there are some of us that have work that suits our needs and isn't too triggering on our nervous systems...

Friends / Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« on: June 16, 2019, 07:39:37 PM »
We've been 'friends since I was 16 - 30yrs ago.. She dumped me when I was 23 for smiling the wrong way and we re connected in my early 30s. Most of our relating has been via whats app text. The last couple times I've been to stay with her have been difficult... I'm not the young girl I was and won't be controlled...
It had become more and more apparent that this person is cold, controlling, lacking empathy and at points unkind..
A situation arose where I didn't do what she wanted me to do and the whole thing blew up... I offered 2 olive branches and she said she won't change how she feels and won't talk about it but would be happy to continue a friendship via text whats app and put it behind her.
That wasn't adequate for me and if there was a string of a chance of this relationship surviving I would need to be able to stand up and speak my truth.. Being stonewalled was not something I am willing to live with.
So today after speaking with others I've deleted all mail and contact details and decided enough is enough... I deserve better..

For me now it's keeping in the positive... This is a good sign in my recovery to put my needs as important..
My default is easily to go into self beating... What is wrong with me... Why am I so defective... Will I ever make healthy friends blah blah... How come she gets to be around so many people and I'm pretty alone... I don't want to attract emotionally unavailable people anymore who don't really care... I care about me
But I know that I'm growing and I must stand in the belief that healthy friendships will come my way as I recover.... Why not now... It is possible..

General Discussion / Fed up with myself
« on: June 04, 2019, 09:47:05 PM »
Feeling so much frustration today around my inconsistency with daily actions /self care and building good things..
I make lists, get clear, set goals, speak. To others and yet bam I always end up back to square one. This is happening in my life with over spending, exercise and doing art..
I'm either all. Or. Nothing and I'm really really trying to get more balance..
It's like I'm on it (in a more balanced way which is progress or I'm off it. When I'm off doing the actions that help me achieve the things I want to I don't even rember I'm off...

Grrrrrrr so frustrated with myself

Friends / What is a friend?
« on: May 22, 2019, 08:57:42 PM »
This is a shout out to ask peoples views on 'what is a friend? I know it's easy to have a text book version and an idealistic version but a real terms explanation is what I'm looking for.
Lately I am waking up as I get more recovery from an eating disorder I'm starting to gain a wholer sense of who I am, my worth and value.. I've long felt there is so much wrong with me and that's why I don't have many close people. Now I starting to think that there isn't So much wrong with me it's the people I have chosen..
I'm surrounded by narcs and dysfunction.
I'm starting to get a glimmer of 'I could actually have friends who aren't messed up! What a joy that would be!
💜 Bye bye dysfunctional personalities hello healthy people...
I'm healing! I deserve to be loved!

Friends / The friends dilemma
« on: May 15, 2019, 03:44:30 PM »
OK I'm. Going through the 'what's wrong with me phase'..
I want closer connections with people I don't feel like I'm not open or willing or trying to get this because I am...
I know a lot of people but when I shut the front door it's just me...
It's like I feel I'm. Always doing the work with people and then they agree... Do I come across as too independent, are people intimidated by me.... I just don't know I wish I could see myself as others do...
I guess like anyone some will like me some won't....
I so want a friend or two to be closer to and be in each others lives.....
Fed up of this situation that goes round and round on a loop for me

Therapy / Emdr not clinically indicated for cptsd?
« on: May 11, 2019, 09:03:30 AM »
Hi I'm interested in emdr as a treatment for myself...
The psychiatrist said that it is not clinically proven as effective for cptsd..
I have however via this forum heard many talk of its helpfulness...
Does anyone have any research to back this up?

Hi all
I'm really seeing more clearly the cycle that happens for me when I get triggered and go into EF..
I clearly go into flight and perfectionism and don't need as much sleep (average 6 hrs a night). I then come out of EF and am exhausted and sleep ++ and don't attend to my daily things in the same way.. I then come out of that into 'normal land' which feels great. I'm in normal land at the mo..
I have an assessment with psychologist next wk and really want to work on the flight and perfectionism to try and not be so driven and gain better sleep to then minimise the chances of crashing and being out for the count for days...
Can people relate to this cycle? Have u found ways to create more balance.?
Id be grateful to hear....

Poetry & Creative Writing / Trying to gain
« on: May 08, 2019, 09:46:43 AM »
I'm trying to gain, to gain togetherness
In a world created by love, by exclusion by.. who am I?
I'm working to gain togetherness. From the hand that didn't feed, to the world of bars and pretty lights and I ask take me now to the land of hope to safety shores.
I'm here. I feel my breath its rapid succession tells me I'm here.
I hope and try to calm my edge of worry for all things live in love if allowed to touch that beauty.
I'm trying to gain but not in the past ways more allowance of what is and allowing the creative light to shine.
Be still my beating heart, let color saturate your world and take u on magical journeys of jade green hues and bright wowing  pinks.
As I find myself more fully and say I know who I am may the others come towards me and say with smiling lips through actions chosen....
Together we gain in the universes great light. Together we gain
Together we gain

United Kingdom / Bristol - South West resources
« on: April 24, 2019, 09:04:07 AM »
Last year I found this wonderful charity called the Southmead Project. At the time I had prev completed  the IAPT NHS trauma informed 12 wks offering (cbt based) and wasnt being taken on by secondary services so was at a loss.
Finding Southmead was a breathe of fresh air and a much needed resource.
I was offered an assessment and then was offered a therapist who I saw on a wkly basis for a year. I felt safe with this women and she clearly was well qualified and experienced in trauma work. She didn't re traumatise me in any way but worked mainly with what was going on in the immediate (though of course the past came into it).
We spent many months on regulating the nervous system, emotional stability and grounding techniques. I developed a safe place that I can go to anytime (in my imagination) and working with her on this has really helped me since in times of EF.
We did some time line work and also used art. Then we went on to do some family systems  integration work. Which was working on the fragmented self and how different voices develop in the psychy ie inner critic etc. I also then found my inner nurturer and she is with me today... She is beautiful x

Here is the link for the project
It is also a free service as the project is lottery funded which is incredible as therapy is an expense.

Medication / Ongoing ssri sea saw - motivation problems
« on: April 21, 2019, 03:09:42 PM »
Fed up this week being on anti dep..
Feel like a zombie and restrained in my daily activity. I take it in the evening and the sedation in the morning is difficult to work against. I have tried taking it in the morning but then I'm still sedated and for longer throughout the day.
I've tried several different ones and citalopram is the one that works... I could try to reduce again but the thought of it makes my eyes roll.
When I've come off it before I just love the intimacy of life that comes back and the feeling awake - ALIVE.
Being chemically restrained is bloody frustrating and doing intellectual things hard. Trying to motivate self when a drug is dampening that is like climbing a hill in heavy wind.
Lethargy and sluggishness are not friends I want.
Going for a short jog in the morning helps a lot but having the motivation to do this is another thing.
Concentration and retaining information really are a prob and foggy brain..

Any helpful tips anyone has I'd appreciate.. Hope..

Other / Share Easter experiences
« on: April 21, 2019, 11:09:23 AM »
I've Often found Easter tricky with feelings of loss. This Easter I made a conscious effort to be with others and its been helping. Easter was always quite a thing in my family of origin.
Today I've been to my church which I joined about 18mths ago and have got more involved in. A women there who is the senior steward is very kind and is my spiritual mentor if I need anything or am struggling. This women is a bit older than my mother but young for her age I like being around her and we get along and have fun too. On Friday she invited me to her home for lunch, we sat in the sunshine and she gave me some plants and really made me feel welcome and kept asking me if there was anything I needed. I was very touched. I've long wanted someone who could be a bit of a mother figure. Today at church she put her arm around me as we were singing and  the emotion came up in me a few tears were shed I felt the loss of not having a relationship with my mother (it doesn't make sense as the relationship was horrible but still blood is blood I guess.
The women at church seems good with her boundaries abs it doesn't feel dysfunctional. Maybe she feels it not having children and if she did have a daughter she would be about my age.
Today I feel grateful for people in my life who care.
I don't have it as much as I'd like maybe but I have it and am fortunate.. Some people don't.
Feel free to share your easter experiences here... Good or difficult sharing is so valuable for us


Friends / On going friend saga
« on: April 15, 2019, 02:59:51 PM »
Hi, so the friend of many years (who dumped me the first time for smiling seemingly has the * with me again. Christmas I stayed with her for 2 days and her Control issues really got on my nerves.. I feel I upset her over this trip as I made some 'quip comments'. I apologised when I got back if I upset her and she said I hadn't but I didn't believe her. A few weeks ago I'd been supporting her as her dad has dementia and it was quite unmanageable (I used to be a dementia nurse). In hindsight my part was I got too involved. She then asked my thoughts on her parenting as her son had expressed self harm. I said I didn't want to offer my thoughts and asked if he had a mental health worker at school. She replied she wasn't asking for my Prof opinion just as a friend (I didnt have any opinion as her friend. Since then we haven't really been communicating.
I sent her a message about 2 wks later sending my best wishes and thoughts. I then sent her a bday card and she sent a message 'thank u for the lovely card'...
Whose move is it next I ask myself.... I don't feel it is mine but I do feel I need to be the bigger person. Also I feel agreaved that for the second time Im in a sort of dumped position..
We've been friends since I was 16 (I'm now 45) and she is a good friend but def has Co dependency control issues ++
It's my b day in 2 wks and I thought I'd wait to see if she sends a card but my plan is to ask her for a phone conversation either b4 or after my b day.... I guess why wait?

Friends / Attachment issues of friends
« on: April 03, 2019, 03:24:02 PM »
I love my friends dearly and love spending time with them -  when I can get time with them!
The thing is most if not all have attachment problems (just like me :)
I feel sad about this.
My attachment issues are more who I attach to rather than the amount...
There's seem more being evasive oone friend she flits from friend to friend yet I'm one of her closest. Another friend I know he loves spending time with me we have fun but his mh episodes shut him away... I also have another friend who doesn't contact me but is always up for meeting when I contact him....

Ultimately I need to accept these friends as they are with their struggles... I am going to take some more actions around widening my friendship circle which feels a good move... Never know I may be attracted to someone who doesn't have attachement issues!

General Discussion / Just got awarded disability benefits ! :)
« on: March 01, 2019, 10:12:05 PM »
Today the good news came that i have been awarded disability benefit (pip - personal independence payment) UK .
I was assessed and awarded 8 points : for eating , dressing , washing and social . Such a weight has been lifted re finances and i shall also get an enhancement on my universal credit under severe disability .
To have both the financial support and recognition of disability is so great and the fact i dont need to go through the appeal process which so many do.
I was slightly disgruntled that my psychological and cognitive difficulties were not hitting points more but hey the threshold is high and I'll take what i have been given with gratitude .
I hope my experience can benefit someone else as i learn some things and gained informed.awareness of how the system is

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