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Topics - Boatsetsailrose

#41
Friends / What is a friend?
May 22, 2019, 08:57:42 PM
Hi
This is a shout out to ask peoples views on 'what is a friend? I know it's easy to have a text book version and an idealistic version but a real terms explanation is what I'm looking for.
Lately I am waking up as I get more recovery from an eating disorder I'm starting to gain a wholer sense of who I am, my worth and value.. I've long felt there is so much wrong with me and that's why I don't have many close people. Now I starting to think that there isn't So much wrong with me it's the people I have chosen..
I'm surrounded by narcs and dysfunction.
I'm starting to get a glimmer of 'I could actually have friends who aren't messed up! What a joy that would be!
💜 Bye bye dysfunctional personalities hello healthy people...
I'm healing! I deserve to be loved!
#42
Friends / The friends dilemma
May 15, 2019, 03:44:30 PM
OK I'm. Going through the 'what's wrong with me phase'..
I want closer connections with people I don't feel like I'm not open or willing or trying to get this because I am...
I know a lot of people but when I shut the front door it's just me...
It's like I feel I'm. Always doing the work with people and then they agree... Do I come across as too independent, are people intimidated by me.... I just don't know I wish I could see myself as others do...
I guess like anyone some will like me some won't....
I so want a friend or two to be closer to and be in each others lives.....
Fed up of this situation that goes round and round on a loop for me
#43
Hi I'm interested in emdr as a treatment for myself...
The psychiatrist said that it is not clinically proven as effective for cptsd..
I have however via this forum heard many talk of its helpfulness...
Does anyone have any research to back this up?
#44
Hi all
I'm really seeing more clearly the cycle that happens for me when I get triggered and go into EF..
I clearly go into flight and perfectionism and don't need as much sleep (average 6 hrs a night). I then come out of EF and am exhausted and sleep ++ and don't attend to my daily things in the same way.. I then come out of that into 'normal land' which feels great. I'm in normal land at the mo..
I have an assessment with psychologist next wk and really want to work on the flight and perfectionism to try and not be so driven and gain better sleep to then minimise the chances of crashing and being out for the count for days...
Can people relate to this cycle? Have u found ways to create more balance.?
Id be grateful to hear....
#45
Poetry & Creative Writing / Trying to gain
May 08, 2019, 09:46:43 AM
I'm trying to gain, to gain togetherness
In a world created by love, by exclusion by.. who am I?
I'm working to gain togetherness. From the hand that didn't feed, to the world of bars and pretty lights and I ask take me now to the land of hope to safety shores.
I'm here. I feel my breath its rapid succession tells me I'm here.
I hope and try to calm my edge of worry for all things live in love if allowed to touch that beauty.
I'm trying to gain but not in the past ways more allowance of what is and allowing the creative light to shine.
Be still my beating heart, let color saturate your world and take u on magical journeys of jade green hues and bright wowing  pinks.
As I find myself more fully and say I know who I am may the others come towards me and say with smiling lips through actions chosen....
Together we gain in the universes great light. Together we gain
Together we gain
Together
We
Gain
#46
United Kingdom / Bristol - South West resources
April 24, 2019, 09:04:07 AM
Hi
Last year I found this wonderful charity called the Southmead Project. At the time I had prev completed  the IAPT NHS trauma informed 12 wks offering (cbt based) and wasnt being taken on by secondary services so was at a loss.
Finding Southmead was a breathe of fresh air and a much needed resource.
I was offered an assessment and then was offered a therapist who I saw on a wkly basis for a year. I felt safe with this women and she clearly was well qualified and experienced in trauma work. She didn't re traumatise me in any way but worked mainly with what was going on in the immediate (though of course the past came into it).
We spent many months on regulating the nervous system, emotional stability and grounding techniques. I developed a safe place that I can go to anytime (in my imagination) and working with her on this has really helped me since in times of EF.
We did some time line work and also used art. Then we went on to do some family systems  integration work. Which was working on the fragmented self and how different voices develop in the psychy ie inner critic etc. I also then found my inner nurturer and she is with me today... She is beautiful x

Here is the link for the project
It is also a free service as the project is lottery funded which is incredible as therapy is an expense.
https://southmeadproject.org.uk/about-us/
#47
Fed up this week being on anti dep..
Feel like a zombie and restrained in my daily activity. I take it in the evening and the sedation in the morning is difficult to work against. I have tried taking it in the morning but then I'm still sedated and for longer throughout the day.
I've tried several different ones and citalopram is the one that works... I could try to reduce again but the thought of it makes my eyes roll.
When I've come off it before I just love the intimacy of life that comes back and the feeling awake - ALIVE.
Being chemically restrained is bloody frustrating and doing intellectual things hard. Trying to motivate self when a drug is dampening that is like climbing a hill in heavy wind.
Lethargy and sluggishness are not friends I want.
Going for a short jog in the morning helps a lot but having the motivation to do this is another thing.
Concentration and retaining information really are a prob and foggy brain..

Any helpful tips anyone has I'd appreciate.. Hope..
#48
Friends / On going friend saga
April 15, 2019, 02:59:51 PM
Hi, so the friend of many years (who dumped me the first time for smiling seemingly has the * with me again. Christmas I stayed with her for 2 days and her Control issues really got on my nerves.. I feel I upset her over this trip as I made some 'quip comments'. I apologised when I got back if I upset her and she said I hadn't but I didn't believe her. A few weeks ago I'd been supporting her as her dad has dementia and it was quite unmanageable (I used to be a dementia nurse). In hindsight my part was I got too involved. She then asked my thoughts on her parenting as her son had expressed self harm. I said I didn't want to offer my thoughts and asked if he had a mental health worker at school. She replied she wasn't asking for my Prof opinion just as a friend (I didnt have any opinion as her friend. Since then we haven't really been communicating.
I sent her a message about 2 wks later sending my best wishes and thoughts. I then sent her a bday card and she sent a message 'thank u for the lovely card'...
Whose move is it next I ask myself.... I don't feel it is mine but I do feel I need to be the bigger person. Also I feel agreaved that for the second time Im in a sort of dumped position..
We've been friends since I was 16 (I'm now 45) and she is a good friend but def has Co dependency control issues ++
It's my b day in 2 wks and I thought I'd wait to see if she sends a card but my plan is to ask her for a phone conversation either b4 or after my b day.... I guess why wait?
#49
Friends / Attachment issues of friends
April 03, 2019, 03:24:02 PM
I love my friends dearly and love spending time with them -  when I can get time with them!
The thing is most if not all have attachment problems (just like me :)
I feel sad about this.
My attachment issues are more who I attach to rather than the amount...
There's seem more being evasive oone friend she flits from friend to friend yet I'm one of her closest. Another friend I know he loves spending time with me we have fun but his mh episodes shut him away... I also have another friend who doesn't contact me but is always up for meeting when I contact him....

Ultimately I need to accept these friends as they are with their struggles... I am going to take some more actions around widening my friendship circle which feels a good move... Never know I may be attracted to someone who doesn't have attachement issues!

#50
Today the good news came that i have been awarded disability benefit (pip - personal independence payment) UK .
I was assessed and awarded 8 points : for eating , dressing , washing and social . Such a weight has been lifted re finances and i shall also get an enhancement on my universal credit under severe disability .
To have both the financial support and recognition of disability is so great and the fact i dont need to go through the appeal process which so many do.
I was slightly disgruntled that my psychological and cognitive difficulties were not hitting points more but hey the threshold is high and I'll take what i have been given with gratitude .
I hope my experience can benefit someone else as i learn some things and gained informed.awareness of how the system is
#51
Friends / My best pals
February 22, 2019, 04:53:50 PM
#trigger warning
Urrr going through a bit of a tough one...well and so are the friends I'm going to.talk.about too...
My close friend who also has cptsd has been going and continues to go through a really tough time with her mental health this past few months. I needed to take a break from her b4 xmas for 3 wks and framed it that i needed to focus on me and have time out from people in general, she seemed fine with this. I was due to meet her b4 xmas but it didn't happen and i haven't seen her since. We've spoken on the phone a couple of times and she seemed fine with me but not well in herself. This past 3 wks nothing ...ive called left a message, text and asked another friend how she is and she reportedly is not good. I'm aware from things she has said that she has cut people out of her life people who were good friends and she is also having problems where she is living with the landlady.
It hurts she hasn't contacted me but i do respect she ob doesnt want to or feel its right for her at this time . it doesn't feel right to contact her again and i did say in my answer phone message if she wanted to talk just to let me know .
i am worried about her and we've been close for 4yrs so we have talked a lot about our inner worlds and recovery . i miss her .
I fear our friendship may be over but then the other part of me trusts this is just how it is for now...
I dont make close friends easy so this is a big blow..

Situation 2) another friend from my hometown (120 miles away). i see her once a year when i stay with her the rest of the time we keep in touch via what's app..
She knows of my cptsd and that i suffer episodes and get mental health support. The past few wks she has been leaning on me more for support around her dad . in hindsight i got too involved and would have been better for me to time limit . lately her adoptive son has been having more problems saying he wants to kill himself and then showed.her some self harm scars. She told me that she isn't making a big deal out of it (and thinks he may be attention seeking ) and asked me did i think she was doing the right thing. I (irronically) am an ex mental health nurse and the advice I've been giving with her dad previously had been about dementia so i took it she was asking me from a prof point of view. i replied 'im sorry i dont want to get into advising in this way ' (in hindsight i could have just said 'i dont know' or 'im not comfortable'.she responded by saying 'i was asking you as a pro but as a friend, but thats.fine. does this comment sound a bit brash ? Or am i just taking it that way ? I haven't responded to the comment and we havent communicated since . i feel like there may be a stale mate going on between us ? I dont feel i want to make the 1st move ...
I have been struggling a bit more with this friend she is very controlling and bossy . (we've been friends years I've changed a lot ie stand up for myself more, she is the same  ). When i stayed at her house it was uncomfortable because she was trying to control me and was over bearing .

I dont know how to play it now ?

If you've listened this far thank you its a bit of a ramble. any experience , thoughts welcome
Best wishes boats
#52
Physical Issues / Seriously questioning fibro /ME
February 17, 2019, 11:11:01 AM
Hi
For months I've thought 'do i have ME .
If i look back to about 15 yrs ago i had a severe flu and my energy never returned to what was after that. Following years of nursing and nursing burnout i went off work 3 yrs ago for 5 mths with mental breakdown  following trying to come off anti dep. It was then that my energy really dipped and i felt like i slept a lot of that 5mths.
I had another 4 mths off last year and finally let go of my career in sept 18.
For the past year I've suffered increasingly more severe  body aches, headaches (although had those years, tiredness that doesn't get relieved by sleep, increased mental fog, concentration and memory issues and exhaustion most days which increases the following day after exertion. I just feel like i want to sleep all the time. I have previously put it down to sedation from anti dep but now i don't think it is all attributed to that. Also i have increased sensitivity to noise and light to the point where i wear ear plugs and sunglasses.
A typical example is :
Woke this morning after 9 hours sleep feeling exhausted...not normal tiredness more well ....exhaustion . ( i went out yesterday did yoga and then meditation / healing session also did  some walking and got buses. Im now laying back in bed willing myself to get the energy to get up and do some things in the house. My whole body aches , feels both muscular and in my bones . this morning my hands hurt my arms my legs and feet . lower back aches and have some headache neckache.
Got IBS ongoing and the usual anxiety , depression as well as cptsd of course.
Poor me ! What a lot to.contend with ....
I remember a time long ago id bound out of bed ..
Any experience in these areas or thoughts people have id appreciate ...is it common to get fibro/ cf with cptsd ?
Im going to look at making q gp appointment next week...what do i need to look for in their assessments ? I read something about a pain test ?
#53
Successes, Progress? / Feeling a deep love for myself
February 06, 2019, 11:15:32 AM
This morning i am laying in bed ...my usual anxious mind, fretting over life things, obsessing over being in control and then i remember to 'let go' let the universal energy be here and for me to just lay here in this now with the heart beat. And then it happened, this warm warm love in my heart, what is that feeling why it is a love spreading deep within me for myself. A dropping away of feeling lonely, thinking about loss and my attachment difficulties and a feeling of no one being able to give me 'this'. This is my gift to myself that i have the ability to look with sweet and warm endearment and put my mind to my heart with a smile. Im going through a healing of being more contained within myself , some better boundaries coming and more contentment being me... Just for today it feels good. My i keep integrating and who knows maybe just maybe more healthier relationships will come .....
#54
Recovery Journals / Boat set sail journal
February 03, 2019, 09:21:50 PM
Im here to start writing my journal. Im going to take it from the year 2015 as this is when things took a nose dive with my mental health and have continued that way....

2015
Summer
I was with a dear man we were engaged, he was 20yrs my senior. I loved him we had met some 10yrs previously and had now been together 4 yrs. I loved him he was my best friend and soul friend but behind it all i wasn't happy. I watched him age quite dramatically due to his health condition ...we became limited in what we could do with our lives. His low mood was really difficult to be around, he wouldn't talk much about how he was and would keep it locked inside . i became an emotional exploder because it had to come out somewhere .. All.of a sudden it just hit me that i was leaving him ...i just knew it was the right decision ..
It didn't really hit me until a couple of months after we split, the loss and missing him , this has eased but i still miss him ...i really loved many things about him and we had a lot of fun despite the struggle. i did see him a couple of times since then  but last year made the decision that i really needed to let him go for good..
Shortly after we split i also came out of my denial about my sexuality and i now identify as a gay women. ..the librarian has been so good and I've got a part of me that is new ...i cut my hair short and stopped dressing for men ..i feel free. I haven't had any encounters with any women im not there yet in terms of a relationship.

Next time I'm going to continue my journal jan 2016 when i decided i was well enough to come off anti depressants ....which didn't end up as true .....
#55
Hi back again
Trying to understand just why I'm so isolated ...i do try a lot ...go to activities groups etc. ...work to be open and interact with people ...
The other side of me often has a lot of judgment about others and always wants others to fit in a perfect framework which of course no one can. I feel these attitudes come from the way i was treated by my m.
I feel as i get older im losing the ability to form friendships ..not sure if this is actually true but its how it feels.
I always feel I'm the one who needs to make more effort in a friendship to keep it going ...maybe its the type of person i choose ? I also find a lot of people too loud and opinionated ..but i know im opinionated and can be pretty blunt in some of my communication .

Knowing that cptsd has attachment issues as part of it ...how do we heal in this area ? I really want to make a couple of friends ..have more people to hang out with not just people i know in groups ...
Any ideas suggestions or experience in this area greatly appreciated
#56
Medication / Upping citalopram
February 01, 2019, 08:33:51 PM
Not sure if to up my meds ...I'm on 25mg citalopram and thinking to go to 30mg. My anxiety is really high ...I'm flashing in and out of ef for long periods and having very obsessional harm thoughts (no intent) ...
Anyone got any experience to share appreciated
#57
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / In EF and struggling
January 29, 2019, 08:11:31 PM
Hi I'm struggling with ef and what comes with it these days ...obsessional round and round thoughts of si. I have absolutely no intent its just a horrible thought that loops round and round and is causing me great distress .
I just want it to stop i don't even know why it happens . i wish i had an explanation for it .. I feel anxious and lonely ....
I spoke with the nurse today and that helped ..then went and did some meditation and grounding.. I've had extra sleep ...
I think by wanting it to go it's making it worse.    .I'm trying just allowing it to be there ..telling it to think its self (a bit like think of a white elephant ) ..
Any help appreciated ...
Ive been in the house a lot today doesn't seem to have helped
#58
Anxiety / Been feeling wired.with anxiousness
January 16, 2019, 08:28:57 PM
Hi been some.weeks.now and waking early , racing mind, churning stomach, rapid breathing, clenched jaw , body armouring and some palpitations ....urrrre
Doing things to help ..slept in this morning and feel calmer for it ...
Going to.do a meditation before bed as well as when i get up this evening ..
Not sure if I'm in EF cant pinpoint ...
#59
General Discussion / Ace score
January 09, 2019, 05:21:26 PM
Hi i just did my ACE score -
And came out as 4 extremely high
Quote
An ACE score is a tally of different types of abuse, neglect, and other hallmarks of a rough childhood. According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, the rougher your childhood, the higher your score is likely to be and the higher your risk for later health problems..

It has been 'Good' to do this test and then  able to look at the results in a bar chart format and the likelihood of different areas of life, social financial health and wellbeing being affected  in adulthood ..
I am going to keep this score in mind it really helps to seey problems often havent been off my own making ...
Adverse conditions equal adverse consequences ...
Grateful today that I'm on some stable ground ...i am thriving right now as opposed to surviving (but that changes depending on ef ..
Interested to hear others experience of ace scoring
#60
General Discussion / Post assessment report
December 24, 2018, 01:56:53 PM
Hi
So i received the report following the assessment i had with the community mh team.
Within the report it referred to my  mood and past treatment from m. however it didn't mention the psychological symptoms i had described, getting triggered or that i i have a diagnosis of complex trauma.  I am awaiting to speak to the nurse assessor re the content and omissions of information.
Also and which shocked me was the  pointing  to the possibility that i could have dysthmia (which ive researched and seems to be a diagnosis of depression but given another name ? I could be wrong and missing something here.
Also possible bi polar type 2 which I'm not discounting completely but im wondering as I've read others on our forum describe how after being in ef there can be an experience of having a high which may just be the sheer relief of being out of ef ... ?
I've just been in EF for several days came out and then did experience a high and not needing as much sleep (6 hrs a nite) lots of energy and feeling really good and positive . Im now on a more middle to slight low ...

Any experience on these matters much appreciated