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After nearly a year of racking my brain, career coaching , internet trawling, researching , many many conversations and a large dose of 'what am i going to do panicking'. It came to me through a series of events and a complete knowing that i am going to be a barber
I've wanted for some long to be a hairdresser but it didn't feel quite right but barbering does. I can use my creativity and precision part of my personality. The training is shorter than hairdressing . there are many current nice barbers and men's grooming is a happening area. Good money can be made and I'd be my own boss blooming marvellous ...
Amazing what can happen when the outcome is let go of and pop the answer can appear.
1st thing in years I've been excited about when it comes to work

Good good news ...
I went for assessment with community mental health team this WK (this is my 5th assessment over the years). It was a thorough and in depth assessment and i had a call yesterday to say that i have been taken under the teams care (secondary services ) and am being assigned a care co ordinator .
I can't express fully enough what this means to me ...at last i feel i have been heard and validated for what my cptsd creates in me.
So much of being heard has been helpled by using this site and other sources of help to be able to articulate my psych experinces.  The work sheets on trauma symptoms on this site really helped me as i filled these out and took those in with me to read from.

Someone is finally going to be caring for me on a 24 hr basis i have numbers to call and a person i can develop a relationship with that wont be made and gone in a flash.

If anyone needs any help getting heard reach out for others experience and get the treatment and care we all deserve . complex ptsd is soon to be added to the icd 11 diagnositic manual and the hope of better knowledge and treatment feels strong in me. I want to lead the way , informing professionals on what it means as a lived experience of having this psychological injury and what is needed to heal . I'm so grateful i continue to strive (even when times get so dark i seem to be able to pick myself up again. But we all need support and understanding and we all need hope .....
Its there if we stick together as we do
God bless you all and thank u for being here for me

Hi
So I'm.back to being referred to the community mental health team (had assessment last yr but wasnt taken on.
I know with these asssessments its based on 'risk' and if the risk is deemed high/ serious enough. I've been having a bad time of it ..let career go, not able to work in any capacity right now, trauma symptoms and v difficult psychological states.
Thing is when i go for the assessment i may not be 'in it as much but then i know the triggers and flashbacks will return. Also i struggle with putting  my experience s into words or if i do i can make it sound more professional with the jargon. This time i want to just keep it more about my personal experience rather than trying to frame it how i think it sounds best or trying so hard  to articulate in what i think are the best ways .
I need them to take me on this time it feels like my last hope (though i know this isn't necessary true .
It is my chance to get longer term help ..
Any experience or suggestions greatly received

Hi all
I've had a long journey to get to where i am right now and it feels far from over..
I left the nursing profession 3 wks ago and of itself that is fine i made the right decision and don't have regrets.
I have been going for interviews in the health service for junior admin /reception work but reached a point last WK where i broke down and realized i can't work full time and don't even know if ill cope.
Im now going down the ill health /benefits route (my nursing contract was ended on health grounds due to my mental health ).
Thing is now I'm scared as it seems the welfare system may not provide enough money to get by on (but i don't know this is totally true as there is another benefit that is hard to get but it is poss ..i will get assessed in about 4 wks and then the decision to put me in a support group with work related activity.there will be no pressure to work but there will be support with finding work if i feel ready ( however 63% of any earnings will  mean the benefits get reduced by this amount.
Money is going to be real tight but i don't see another way right now and at least ill have support both financially and with support back into work. My hope is that something good can come from all of this ..a new field i haven't thought of ...work that is enjoyable and for filling not just draining and difficult ..
Any experience and thoughts I'd be most grateful
Boats

I'm becoming more aware of my  :stars:perfectionist thinking and how it plays and can  create self hatred and shame. It trys to be a friend because it wants to help me feel in control but unfort it does anything but that..
The rigidity, the narrowness and the unattainable are attempts at helping me to hide and give up. Spending too much time on my own this wk end has created a v large dose of  the above and has led me to talking to myself badly today. However I recognised it and stopped it which was good.
Anyone have perfectionist thinking too? Found ways to help/overcome it? Techniques to use?
 

I'm feeling. Normal I love feeling normal and quite simply because I have freedom from the psychological symptoms that we suffer...
Today I can breathe and enjoy the sunshine ☀

A drum that i Painted for someone with her totom animals

Hi
I got triggered last week after my year trauma therapy ended. Since then I'm flashing in and out of flashback symptoms. I don't cry due to being on anti dep so I can't truly grieve the abandonment. I'm experiencing really intense suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts. I can pretty much cope with the ideation as I know that is a way I fix on as an escape for feeling low. But the self harm thoughts I really struggle with. I've never been a self harmer in the way my mind flashes to (cutting wrists) and I find it so so distressing.. This afternoon it was so intense and just kept going on and on until I felt physically sick and was  panicking horribly. I couldn't wait to get home and lay on the bed talking to myself to self soothe and block the thoughts by saying gently but firmly 'no more'.
I feel these thoughts come as a way to punish myself a product of  extreme self hatred. I also felt some feelings of anger towards my dad.
I never used to have these thoughts they started happening couple of years ago when I stopped food bingeing. I would like to have some more psychological coping techniques. I use one where I imagine I'm wearing soft bandages it helps a little bit.
Any experience /insights I'd greatly appreciate..
I can't see anything about this in the literature to relate to..

Hi
I went into what seems like flashback last week after my trauma therapy finished. I seem to keep moving in and out of this state for example yesterday I felt much better than the day before and today has been bad again.. I've never experienced it like this before it's really difficult. Normally it ends and I move through it...
Any experience/ help appreciated

Hi I'm querying at the moment when I experience a period of dissociation what the' knock out' tiredness is about.
Is it the brains way as a coping mechanism? Is it that experiencing the ef /anxiety state is so draining due to the emotional brain /amagdala?

Do others get the knock out tiredness? That massive need to  sleep..
It does feel like emotional tiredness on a huge scale for me...

Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors
Overcoming internal self alienation

Janina Fisher
2017

Hi
I'm so so sick of feeling lonely... Feeling this way because well because I am lonely. On one hand its good because I want friends want closer connections bad because I'm sick of trying and getting nowhere. What happens then is I reach points like today where I just feel hopeless on top of lonely and easily can slide into self hatred.
I just can't see how I'm going to heal in this area. I can't stand how isolated I am. Don't get me wrong I take lots of action do various groups, but activities be open and  push myself but I just don't make the kind of connections I want. I know people like me so I know the problem is with me. I just have no idea how to change it. Its like a wall needs to come down but I don't have  sledge hammer.
Any experience / suggestions welcome please. How do I make friends.. Is it about Con sistency- changing my attitude, being seen more/less, developing more confidence, being myself, having/being  things that  people want?
How do I sell myself? Be the kind of person people say 'I want to be her friend. Some people seem to have it and me I don't what is it I'm missing? Cause I just don't know?
But I want to know in want more people in my life!! I really do I want change
All help things that have helped you greatly received

Hello
Just wanted to say a big big thank you to the person / people who have set this tab up. What a wonderful resource for us and professionals . So many thanks guide information sheets and resources.

Once again thank you your service is much much appreciated x

I've just called my father after avoiding it since the last call . I'm working hard to accept him as he is - lower my expectations and not open myself up to much when I speak to him.
But as always I've left the phone angry and each time I just shake my head in disbelief.
The calls are always all about him I just can not seem to get over how much he lacks: father role, empathy and interest . Tonight's comment that got me the most was when he was talking about his girlfriends daughter and how much rent she pays. In hindsight I made it about me and yep opened myself up by talking about how I and many of us are locked out of the buying market. His response 'I'm just glad I've got my flat'.
Well that's great I'm pleased for you ! Now what about me !!!! What about me !!! Me me you know your daughter the one your supposed to advise, protect be there for !!!
I also opened up about my job situation and his response was 'it's a hard world out there I'm glad my working years are over' . Why oh why don't I learn to not open myself up !!!! But then what do I talk about without making myself vulnerable to his lack of empathy. Do I just pretend everything is good when it's not

Hi
I seem to have been in a flashback for wks. It's all to do with feeling really unsafe as I am coming out of my nursing career and looking for more regular and generally much lower paid work. I'm scared, really scared.
In my nursing I've worked 30 hrs and now I'll need to work more to survive. Sometimes I feel working will be good, sometimes I'm so scared I'll end up with a job I find really boring and other times I worry I don't have the capacity to work.
I feel so unsecure, so small so frightened and so crazy in my head. Find it hard to think straight and feel frozen.
I practice meditation, speak to 12 step fellows and have a t .
Pete w flashback management is good but when he says about suicidal thoughts - passive he refers to the 13 steps as help. It doesn't say anything about these thoughts though ?
I'm having a lot of suicidal thoughts and dsh thoughts they flash through my mind obsessively. I don't have an intentions and don't want to do anything but they are so so distressing.
I realised today when I mention them to my t she refers to me calling one of the helplines but we haven't actually gone through any ways to cope with them. I shall mention this to her on Monday.

Can anyone offer me anything to help ease my anxiety please and maybe cope with the thoughts.
I'm doing the suggestions Pete talks of about identifying the fear in the body and breathing into it allowing it it can't harm etc

Hi
I've been feeling so much loneliness this past few wks . Pete walker talks about abandonment depression.
I have never felt so alone in the world cut off from not only the outside but also the inside .. I'm starting to feel I don't know who I am anymore it's scarey.
What can I do with this loneliness, people say 'your not lonely though ' but I am I don't feel closeness to someone dear I'm not part of a family ...
I ache , I yearn for connnection .
How do I connect with me when my head and heart just yearn for the external ... ?
How do I be with the aloneness and not feel desperate ?

Hi
I have picked up Pete walkers book again and as much as I want to get more to understanding and working with it's contents,  I am again overwhelmed at its lay out.
Do U have experience of using the book ? Have you found ways to use it more simply ?
What sections have been helpful to you ?
I'd appreciate people's experience

Hi
The past few weeks have seen me in such deep self hatred. It like I'm in it, I can see it with adult eyes ( sometimes) I at times have never capacity to self soothe or turn away from the beliefs and at other times I can act with self compassion but the mental state continues. This is affecting my WHOLE life: ability to work, relationships of any kind, ability to be with myself, enjoyment, being present being able to relax .. I can't believe I own such deep self resentment and disgust it frightens me ..
this is all a car deal worse than the origina trauma and I'm doing a LOT to attempt to heal .. therapy , recovery , not working ....
I just want my head to shut the ** up ....
any tips / tools appreciated

Stupid title as I know the answer :
Attachment problems ...
But often I'm like 'really why do I have so few friends''. I have some but mostly scattered around the country. In my immediate life I am isolated. I know people like me and so it's not that - I know I work to be open and communicative
Maybe it's my low self worth and people sense that ?

Hi there
I wanted to share about my experiences with coping and control. Over these past few years I can see my resilience to life has reduced and I don't bounce back like I used to.
I get a lot of thoughts of 'I can't cope I can't cope' and overall feel a lack control Over my life. Overwhelm is a close companion and life seems loud, harsh and over stimulating.
I practice mindfulness, meditation, getting lots of rest and have had lot of time off work.
If anyone has anything that has helped them with feeling in control and giving a sense of coping I'd appreciate.