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Messages - Boatsetsailrose

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Depression / Re: Hopelessness
« on: July 14, 2015, 10:24:29 AM »
Oh and challenging the all or nothing thinking that was key
Eg I was in fear this morning around my 1st driving lesson - the fear being ill get something wrong or not cope
The second thought was you can get something wrong - that's very freeing :)

Depression / Re: Hopelessness
« on: July 14, 2015, 10:21:22 AM »
Fear and anxiety - yep that's been my story
Thank u for sharing

Feeling out of control / not having control and the thinking and feelings that go with that have been very prevalent in my journey and awful

As u state it's an internal thing and not connected to the outside world of today

Most definatly having a t that not only understands but has solutions to it has been essential for me -
If u t doesn't work to combat cptsd can u change therapist ?
I've just been with a specialist and she was excellent - i def feel for us it's about coming out of the session and feeling lighter and more in the solution otherwise it brings a sense of more lack of control

For me the deep rooted fear was 'something really bad is going to happen to me ' and that disassociated stuff of 'who am I ' 'I'm not in control' '
I started looking at what my brain was actually telling me and doing some CBt stuff with t which was really helpful -
Building where i in control - who I am - values etc
The world is big and scary when we feel out of control and I needed to make my world smaller in some ways and in others keep challenging the belief that I need to 'control to feel better
Mindfullness and meditation have really helped too

Yes I did feel I couldn't be soft and affirming - it felt yuk - the whole love yourself thing -
When I did any of that stuff - talked to myself as a friend etc it just felt false and stupid -
But I did it anyway :)

My mind is extremely critical of both me and others and will tell me I'm crap etc -
Psychological damage in action

Today I don't believe it ( after the therapy and just say oh that one again and over ride it with something more affirming -

It's all a process and I believe we all have our own journey that is never the same as another's - the recovery one needs in certain ways and time frames differs
From the next .. But similarly there are similarities and themes

Taking time out to be with me and not with others was very healing - I had to reach a place of some security and identity to start branching out again
And getting away from this 'no one likes me I'm worthless something wrong with me belief
Also before I'd put all my efforts into one friendship and expect everything from them now I'm learning to be less intense and spread my attentions

Until I had a stable enough foundation I couldn't have successful relating and that makes perfect sense - the inside reflects the outside

I'm a work in progress but I seem to be out of the woods - the process of healing from foo has been long for me 42 yrs old now and been working on this since early 20s
I am so grateful to feel the way I do now but I couldn't bring it on any quicker by being frustrated or self pitying or beating self - though frustration has been a motivator to healing

I joined a walking group recently and that has been so good - having an activity between me and others really helps !

But above all it seems that the relationship with me is the biggest key - the damage inside has to be fully managed to re set back to a normal functioning and when it does I realise I am a richer person for it - a depth to me average joe doesn't have

Strive for the real you and gifts await
Don't give up - don't beat self up

I always viewed that as a kid I didn't have any friends - but that wasn't true. I did I just always felt so fearful ---
People are scary !! They can hurt in ways beyond measure right --

I am now learning to branch some more as I feel stronger with a better self identity - it taken work and time out and it's worth it

Def agree with the self compassion - my t showed me that too -
We can be so hard on ourselves when what we need is to be soft and affirming :)

Alcoholics Anonymous has helped/helps me so greatly with my inner and outer world but it hasn't been the whole solution for me -
I've needed outside support for child trauma effects as well

But yes putting down any/ all addiction I now see as key to being able to fully feel and address the effects of what happened to my insides

Therapy / Re: Therapist who 'terminated' me
« on: July 11, 2015, 06:10:23 AM »
Therapists have there own stuff too ! It's just how progressed they are hey :)

I wouldn't take it personally - hard as that is -

Probably good for you that it ended

Re the psychic stuff - I have always found it better not to say stuff to people unless they ask - it can really freak people out

Regards and did u move on to another therapist ? :)

Hi indigo child
Thanks for your reply :)

Ah it's good u moved on from that hey ..
It's  been my pattern to choose people who can't give to me emotionally - they come first -
My housemate is the narc type and I have worked real hard to put boundaries in and now it works - but boy has it been work and guilt

I def went through the 'unfair, grieving and yearning ' and it went in stages - I used to hate it because it was like she was dead but alive - I wished she was dead and then at least I could just grieve -
Feeling like an orphan and no where to go -
I used to day dream about the type of mother I wanted and would see women in the street and think 'yes someone like her '
I used to sob and sob and then came the anger gee - when I first went into recovery for alcohol (AA) I was so angry I thought I could kill someone it was terrifying
I see now the grief and the unfairness is a journey and without it I wouldn't be here -
Being with what is and trying not to fear what isn't -
I always had an idea of what my freedom and integration would like like and I am nearer to it now :)

:) :) yes I've spent most of my adult life in therapy - 1st lt was 2 yrs psychotherapy/ hypnotherapy this was where I first started to heal the split in me and just begin to feel
I've also had gestalt therapy - and mixed types where the therapist used different styles -
I've had spiritual healing and regression - and other types of energy healing

But I'd say the profound stuff has happened this year - I was given 4mths with a child trauma specialist and she was fantastic - she worked with different styles - CBt - relational - psychotherapy and solution focused - it was very much on what I experience now - so my negative head - inner and outer critic - my relationships - my emotional regulation -
This all coincided with my going into recovery (12 step again for eating disorder which I've had since being a child - and am now making good recovery with it - I am nothing less than delighted :)

I see that I've always mothered myself but the negative mind has really got a hold of me in the past - it wasn't that long ago that I hated myself and my brain would constantly tell me I was useless - it was v upsetting
It was as if my mother was living inside my head
My t said for me to develop things I could say and what I say is 'I am competent capable and enough '
It seems to be dying down since I've had the sessions with her she got me to see I am and have been really resilient and I am worthy
How do I mother myself -
Well I'm not great at telling myself nice things but I do do nice things - getting enough rest - eating well - having massage - fitting in something fun -
But today for the first time - I had a thought 'I love you ' which was saying it to me - and it made me smile :)
I haven't read Pete walkers book but I hear he speaks about the inner critic
For me what I now struggle with is the outer critic - no one is good enough for that pest

Introductory Post / Re: C-PTSD triggered for 17 years
« on: July 09, 2015, 06:48:08 AM »
Hooray ! Broke free


This forum helps me a lot

Introductory Post / Re: An Anxious Newbie! (Trigger Warning)
« on: July 09, 2015, 06:46:20 AM »
Thank you for sharing daisy may I can relate to a lot of what u describe  :wave:
You sound like you are in the best place you have been so far in terms of insight and understanding and that is how I feel right now ( I am 42 yrs )

It is a long journey right ! I don't feel it is too late I feel I have been given a second chance at life

The treatment and messages from others is so inflicting on us from a young age and it has affected me on so many levels but I like you have excellent therapist and am now moving forward and I feel v grateful :)

Not expecting and beating myself are v important because I can easily get into that - 'I should ' speak and 'I am not '
 I am here right now in this day and I am a miracle - a lot of people don't find their way to therapy - to insight to forums - many stay in active addiction - are in psyc hospitals and homeless -
Others are lost -

And we are not lost anymore - it may still be painful and limiting but I get to see that clearly today and I have options and hope
Life for me is as good as it ever has been and not to do with external but my internal -
I am a survivor of child trauma - and am growing to be a happy healthy women one day at a time -
Sometimes quickly - sometimes slowly

My therapist says I am and have been v resilient and I can see that now - my whole life has been about healing me -
I don't know anyone who has worked on them selves as much as I -
Feeling unworthy shameful and useless unloveable are things that are fading now and in its place is I am worthy proud useful and loveable -
Finding what is the right thing today to help so that I feel I am growing

I wish u all the best -

For me I have realised I don't have to 'want ' to do something to make progress
Action first feelings later :)

Working on cptsd is important for me or I stop growing and start withering

Can you ask this women what she meant by what she said ? Can u ask for some reflection from her on how she has / is experiencing the friendship ?
If she wants to withdraw because it is right for her then sounds like some acceptance is needed
For me I have and still can put everything into one person expecting them to give me everything - this is a tall order - and not healthy I think
When that strong bond is felt with another women it can get too emeshed and I lose myself and expect that person to fill me ( co dependence
And yes it took me to really work through the mother stuff and come out the other side before I could start seeing more clearly - I don't yearn for mother love anymore I am my own parent
I hope this helps a bit and u find the right way for you to start moving forward
Feeling depressed and in self only ever led me to feel more depressed and in self

Ps I used to use alcohol to cope to the point of alcoholism
I am now 5 yrs sober through Alcoholics Anonymous
Alcohol only made things worse - though I thought the opposite

Yes ! Fear of people fear of being seen fear of shame fear of being attacked fear of being consumed :)
All normal for cptsd sufferer I'd say :)

I have avoided and retreated for couple yrs and used to feel bad about it feeding into shame and I'm not normal -- now I see that time was so important to be with myself more for healing and working out where I was at --

I have just started to branch out again and I feel stronger and more able to cope - my child trauma therapist says relationships are often the hardest area to change for us

I have joined a walking group and it is just great meeting people but not the pressure of usual social relating
Doing things that are calming yet enjoyable is so important for me
So suggestion - do not beat self up for what is difficult right now - take it slowly and steady - learn where u limitations are for now and what u need to feel ok and that balance
Do not expect too much of self
Take time - it is ok to take time
Be kind to self
Seek calm activities with like minded people who don't judge as much

Friends / Relationships
« on: July 07, 2015, 06:45:30 PM »
Hi :)

My biggest area I struggle with is relationships

I have withdrawn from them really in terms of friendships
I am now back in the arena ( tentatively ) and putting myself out there more
I can see I have worked on my codependency stuff a lot and also showing who I am so people can see me
The thing I am experiencing at the moment is 'why is it always me who makes more effort than the other person and then it feeds into the 'I am un likeable lie'
Is it because I am too needy I expect too much from people ?
I just really want to be loved
I have joined a walking group so that is good and is opening things up
I know I am likeable but I fear  that I shall still be attracted to people who can't emotionally give to me --
How will I know ?
I have a friend and we broke up not too long ago - she got offended that I didn't acknowledge her at a group and we haven't spoken since - we had such a good connection and bond
Sad :(
Any experience in this area greatly received
Many thanks

General Discussion / Re: How do you compartmentalize?
« on: July 07, 2015, 06:34:26 PM »
Hi there thank u for sharing
I very much relate !
I came from a background of 'do do and more do ' lists - lines - perfectionism
And as an adult I have struggled with this massively.. Lately I am getting some relief :) and it feels so good --

So for many stress comes from the 'too much to do - too little time ' I think with us we have the added pressure of perfectionism and the feeling of there is never an end because we can never do enough and do it right -- much like a dog chasing its own tail it gets dizzy

So I can share the things that have helped / help me
Realising that this condition is wired in my brain - born out of fear - and so the compulsion ie the doing comes to try and relieve the fear - fear of not being good enough / perfect but because it doesn't get relieved by taking action the whole cycle starts again
Setting up a repeat pattern over and over and the anxiety increases

So for me I have done that stuff that therapists call exposure where I choose certain things in any given day to do and I leave the rest -- and the key here is tolerating that anxiety --
At the end of the day I list what I have done tick them and congratulate myself that I did well with these things
Meditation at both the start and end of the day really help me and mindfulness through out the day - learning mindfulness I have found invaluable

Having a mantra that feels meaningful has helped me too mine is
'I am competent capable and enough
Most people are not perfectionist and I learn from them - they are more organic in the way they do life - leave things unfinished - Realise that today is all I have
I often think of this ' soon the world will blow up and none of the other stuff will matter now I know this sounds drastic :) but it really helps me
And having fun -- in any given week there has to be some play and fun-- or else my brain just makes it about doing --
And finally realising that no one is actually going to tell me off anymore or be critical well not as critical as my inner critic anyway
I am my biggest critic and it's about being kinder to myself and seeing the pressure I put on myself is damaging
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be one task after another trying to get somewhere un achievable

I am safe and I need to feel that on a daily basis inside of me

Introductory Post / Re: New
« on: July 07, 2015, 06:15:51 PM »
Hi pigeon
Thank u for sharing
Yes I too have problems with anti dep - it's side effects for me sedation - cognitive problems and headache and also numbness ..
To be honest now I've been seeing a child trauma specialist and understand much more about post trauma and from this forum too I am not even sure the anti dep are doing anything --
I tried to come off them last year and went into mass terror and went back on them -- I am going to reduce after the summer and see how that is

i have suffered with mood and emotional regulation all my life (42 yrs but I do now see I am coping better

For me stress is a major factor and I have to keep things very contained and manageable - I don't have the 'big life ' that some do but it is ok I like my life
I've found this forum so validating and to connect with many others who have been through similar and how they have gone from surviving to live in a more thriving way I find so encouraging
We are not alone anymore and we can share our experiences of recovery each day

Relationships are my big one -- gee they are confusing -- :)
Best wishes

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