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Messages - Boatsetsailrose

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Hi there I can v much relate to your foo - I don't have anymore suggestions to help u deal - as I am now nc for 7 yrs for me when I got to the point of thinking of causing physical harm to m I knew it was time to go nc for both her and myself - I have now done a lot of work through 12 step programmes and feel I have 'let go with love' . I wish her the best and don't feel anger like I used to - she was sick and I am getting well - if I could have a relationship with her ( however small ) I would but history says the injury is too great for her and I - harm to me is not a place I am willing to be in anymore -
With my dad I have a v boundaried and limited relating - I still carry anger towards him and that is work still to be done-
I have nc with brother - he was the favoured child and despite my efforts over the trs to love and have a relationship with him when I atopped bothering there was no relationship -
How I feel today - in many respects moved on - it's me and my recovery that is the forefront -
Being scapegoat is no easy place to be - I still have much to work on in spite of foo removed fr my situation -
How do people cope when still having relationships with such disfuctional / ill people? I do not know - when I read of people staying in touch because of siblings I can feel what a difficult place that is -
Is it possible to heal and be in touch ? I know for me is wasn't - but of course I can't say my way is the only way -
Being around an abuser and not getting further affected - is something that I can't get my head around - can we really reach a place where we are not affected ?
I am damaged - after 20 yrs of work - there is progress ( especially last 5 yrs - but work to do ( of course
I feel happy where I am at in my recovery - and feel I've got the best chances - to really start to grow as the person I was always meant to be not the person I was created by a monster -
Freedom is my best gift -

Rrecovery - so beautifull thank you for sharing x  :hug:

Introductory Post / Re: Hard to get started
« on: April 28, 2015, 12:56:15 PM »

Introductory Post / Re: Hard to get started
« on: April 25, 2015, 09:22:14 PM »
Hi johnboy
I am fairly new here too  :wave:
I agree it is both liberating and somewhat shocking that there are so many of us - it feels good to have such a place to come and share and learn about our recovery .
I am 42 on Monday and yes it has been a long and both up and down journey - I feel I am making some good headway now - with the right support hope and re covery to the life we were meant to live are so very possible-
I too took time off work after things hit bottom again - but now I work a 4 day week ( as a nurse) and it helps to keep life balance in check-
Have 5 yrs clean and sober and now have found recovery for eating which I am so grateful for -
Also recently started seeing a child trauma therapist via nhs and she is helping such a lot to educate me -
Self hatred is something I am now facing ( haven't been ready until now -
Starting to see and feel that there is a possible life for me after mental health is the most hopeful place I have ever been in -
For anyone I suggest researching and getting the right help - it's unfortunate but my experience is I've had to almost be my own expert to get the help And a forum like this is such a good resource -
I wouldnt be here today if it wasn't for the support I've received -
Hope and recovery is always there it just is looking in the right place that can be a task -
Best wishes to you ...

Hello  :wave:
The previous post felt so valuable that I have made a part 2 to carry it on (hope I've done it right )

Yes collapsing in private has been a real feature for me the past 5 yrs ( since I've been in recovery clean sober and now free from food too :)

Living without the 'fixing' and living a more honest and truthful way - being the high sensitive / cptsd variety - but still driven to keep going and cope ( if I don't who will ?
This past yr I have learnt through sheer exhaustion / mental health that I have to put myself first and work second - friendships and social have taken a real back seat and it's been very much about rest - lots of sleep - support and starting the journey of taking true care of myself with some gentleness and not allowing the inner critic to be in charge -

I feel v grateful that I've had this time .
I used to think after feeling so drained and exhausted after being in the outside world that I must have ME or some physical illness that I didn't know about -
Now I feel that it was a long accumulation of stress and burnout - childhood effects that needed processing - time out and convalescence have been so important and valuable and I would suggest to anyone to take what is needed ( within reason I know we need to live / money etc - putting our recovery 1 St I feel is so important .. My experience is with this at the forefront ideas and things become possible that never entered the radar before. For example I now work a 4 day week and survive fine on the money - I don't take on many other to dos and I put the following as a priority
Time for myself
Time to slowly build more social time / make friends
And I really like the conversation before about rocks / crystals
I carry a polished piece of rose quartz - it really helps my fuzzy achy head :) xx

Yes acoa is also for anyone who identifies with a dysfunctional family - I have been to some meetings and got lots of identification - cried and released - felt really good to be in those meetings

Thank you for your post - it makes me feel less weirdo :)
I am in a detached phase - it gets lonely but I know within myself it's been healing to 'have time out -
I feel I am slowly coming back around and opening to people - I have to go slowly - I haven't been able to rely on my radar for who to make friends with but have identified ( with therapist ) that I don't want to go for the loud / dramatic people anymore but more for the people who have some balance and poise - I feel I'm getting some more balance so am hoping it works out - :)

Introductory Post / Re: New to this forum
« on: April 23, 2015, 10:30:01 PM »
Hi blackbird
Yes that is my experience too - talking to most people is uncomfortable for me - I like it much better alone but then I feel like a misfit and I know isolating is not good for mental health
I haven't done much looking at what 'emotional flashbacks mean and how they happen -
Have you found anything interesting ...

X Emma

Introductory Post / Re: New Member In Crisis (trigger warning)
« on: April 22, 2015, 08:56:00 PM »
From what I've read using 'stuff' to cope is v common for us with child trauma-
For me I used drink and drugs and food for a long time - I am now in recovery and 5 yrs clean / sober and getting free from the food also -

I can see now that those things were able to be out of the picture when I was able to - before then they were my coping mechanism -

I am now seeing a child trauma specialist and am v grateful for her help - we are v much working on the inner critic-

My internal world is heading in the right direction
I wish u all the best with your recovery - hope is there - we must reclaim ourselves - to live the life we were meant to

Best wishes
Emma x

Introductory Post / Re: New, Lonely, struggling, need some support.
« on: April 22, 2015, 08:46:34 PM »
Hello Jemma
I can v much relate to 'not feeling right in your own body - and wanting to sleep -
For me some days it's remembering to breathe deeply - mediate and do something I enjoy - anything no matter how small...
In time we feel better and the bad day is followed by a better one-
Writing is good - getting it out on paper in a journal book - ( I'm saying that but I'm not that good at doing it .. But when I have it has helped - sometimes just a page of swear words !

It's good u are starting counselling - we need others to validate us - v important to be heard -

I wish u all the v best on your recovery journey  :wave:
Hope is always there - it just gets cloudy sometimes - dark before the dawn
X Emma

Thank you all very much for your replies
Very helpful - hopeful and caring
Xx appreciate

I want to share how I feel esp on days I work -
I feel very overloaded and drained ..
Have spent a lot of yrs over sleeping and hiding to cope -
Now I am doing a 12 step programme for eating I have a routine which requires me to be up early and take actions in any given day-
I am on anti depressants too and these are sedating ( tried others etc
How do people cope with tiredness in the mind and body -
I feel like I want to sit or lay down such a lot and meditating is good for mental process - it's like my system is over loaded and I need a long time to de load -
Feel that I try my best and rest where I can but the truth is I always need and want more - I feel safe alone in the dark
I don't have ME I don't think
It does feel like my body speaks my mind
I am in therapy in recovery have support do meditation eat well - sometimes I feel despairing with how drained I feel and don't know what to do - other times I feel better have energy
I don't have many friends or social as I literally can't put the energy in -
Any experiences / ideas welcome
Thanks me listening
Emma x

Introductory Post / Re: Desperate-please help
« on: April 05, 2015, 03:21:26 PM »
My mental health has been deeply affected - I first became unwell over 20 yrs ago - it's a journey and it's good to meet others on a similar journey -

I had disassociation and when I was helped to realise where I had come from was not normal it was the start of a healing path- I have always had bits of 'it wasn't real ' something like I'm making it up 'dramatising ' but I know this was part of the mistreatment and so that brief is not true

Anxiety and fear feel like the worse places on earth and for can tip into terror -

Writing helps get a journal and write out thoughts and feelings without judging them - just get it out

Denial is a protective factor and so while this is a difficult time - you actually are in a place to uncover and deal with things with support

Nurturing things help and keep life as simple as you can - taking time off work has been such a benefit when I've been struggling - putting myself 1st
Things will get better - get all the support u can and keep remebering this is the start of your healing recovery -
There is always light xx

Introductory Post / Re: Newbie here
« on: March 29, 2015, 05:20:46 PM »
Dear redd when I read someone's elses story that is so like mine I feel sad and wide eyed - I am now coming to a stage where the 'was it really that bad thoughts are going - and I know it was bad enough to effect me for this long -
I'm new here too - I wish u every best with your next stage in recovery -
The weeping hit me again in therapy ( this time with a child trauma specialist ) and I feel so grateful to be educated by her adult to adult and be able to feel the loss and sadness that comes up 'still
Our journeys are full of treasure - the treasure of us :)

Introductory Post / Re: Hello - maybe triggers
« on: March 29, 2015, 02:46:17 PM »
Hi Hugo
I am new here too -
I relate to the 'really again - something else - have I not worked hard enough at this -
20yrs of pretty constant - but addictions have been a big factor and so on some ways that time isn't fully countable as I wasn't fully present .. But a part of the story of survival -
I do still have the 'when it all goes away and I am a fully functioning adult child free zone - and that is my goal - but I definately feel it's about honouring the recovery so far and that I may always have some stuff - but of course like us all I want to be as free as I can be -
At times I am and it's not all gloom - thankfully ..
It's a spiritual journey that I shall follow right through..
At the moment I am seeing a child trauma therapist that I have v gratefully been given through the nhs ( 12 wks ) she is a god send and very good at what she does - it's the first therapy that has felt adult to adult so that must say something about how far I've come ..
This seems a good site and I wish u all the best on your next leg of journey -
Reclaiming what is rightfully yours - the seeing of it can be painful esp as we get along but a damn site better than all the people who never think to join a forum like this -

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