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Messages - Boatsetsailrose

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Introductory Post / Re: Hello, I am M.
« on: May 22, 2015, 10:27:54 PM »
inspirational to hear your story and strength
To turn things around and start growing ...
I find it amazing how resilient humans can be in spite of adversity -
Wish u well

Introductory Post / Re: Introducing myself (quite long)
« on: May 22, 2015, 06:53:04 PM »
No I don't identify that per se - but it is an aspergers trait - 'copying behaviour' - not that I'm diagnosing your dad in any way --
But yes the getting no validation that has been very true - always
It's good to be at the point I am at I literally don't have any expectations and none of my emotions get pressed - I am completely autonomous from him - but then I see him very rarely and speak infrequently ..

I don't give my father advise anymore or feel responsible for him - I used to a lot but I don't now -
I guess I care for him like an older brother and am there if anything big happens -

My main focus in life now is my emotional health and I have to put me first to keep well

Introductory Post / Re: Introducing myself (quite long)
« on: May 21, 2015, 06:13:10 PM »
I would recommend tony Atwood literature

Here is a link to checklist

I did a family constellation workshop with a therapist some yrs ago. The premise is that I got to stand in various family members shoes so to speak and gleen information that is unconsciously stored in the body - I learnt a lot about my family in that session..
It came through that my dad has aspergers and it does fit -
He is/ has been very solitary in his life style - always felt like a big brother not a dad ( an aspergers trait - child like qualities - lack of empathy but in a way like he doesn't own any not in a pd way -
Lack of emotional connection  and expression ( I've never heard him express an emotion -
No taking responsibility for my seemingly bpd mother and so he was as abused as I was -
V repetitive in his language and his interests - no interest in my interests
Misplaced repetitive humour and a extreme passive personality with odd social awkwardness and lack of skills

I know he is a good person inside with a heart but it just doesn't come across that way
Where as with mother it felt more like ( as u said ) manipulation / cold and cruel
I don't know if any of my labels are true per se- but to me they are and have helped me really get perspective on the unwell family - and my fight for health

I have a v loose and boundaried relationship with my dad - I don't have any expectations now and accept he is the way he is - I don't feel much love for him now - but I love him by being loosely the kind of daughter I want to be ie I am there if he needs anything - and I call him sometimes -
I think without his difficulties he would have been a good father and in some ways he has been a good dad - he worked hard and provided for us -
It's an odd place coming from this type of family - my mother was really extreme very bpd and abusive - I'm 42 now and I finally feel I'm really getting somewhere in my recovery - to reclaim parts of me that were fragmented - to learn who I am aside of that family and to finally start liking and loving myself - emotional intelligence is something I've looked for for so long and i am now starting to see what mine looks like -
I feel I have a good life now and I wish that for everyone

Books & Articles / Re: Books
« on: May 20, 2015, 06:29:36 AM »
I just wanted to share my experience of recovery through 12 step programmes -

My experience hasn't been that I was in the wrong needed to acknowledge that and make amends -

Re my mother I tapped into all the pain and resentment and saw that I was self seeking in this - the 12 step process helped me to ' grow and develop a further part of my adult self that could see I was looking for myself 'in her ' and this just was never going to happen-
I started to have more compassion for first myself and then for her - she was / is sick
When I got to the amends process I didn't make direct amends as this was too dangerous to both of us - I did it as a spiritual exercise and let go -
I now genuinely don't feel anger towards her and a lot of the fear has gone too -

The 12 step process gives a lot of people a lot of growth and freedom -
It may not suit everyone I understand that - but giving people the option to explore it for themselves if they want to is important I feel -

What happened to me has never felt like my fault in my recovery - it has when I haven't been in recovery -
I needed to grow and grow I have freedom was all I ever wanted
I am not a child anymore some bits are but majority are not -
Growing up and seeing it through the eyes of an adult is the best

Books & Articles / Re: Jeff Foster
« on: May 20, 2015, 06:05:39 AM »
There is an app called 'headspace' can get the first stages free ( and I found is enough to keep using that without carrying on with the system-
It is basically a training programme for the mind - to create present experience ' mindfullness' in our everyday life -
The guy who developed it is from UK was having struggles went to the east and then came back and developed the system-

I'd highly recommend it !

Simple yet so effective

Much better than having a book - although the power of now is a great book :)

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: The will to live
« on: May 20, 2015, 05:59:07 AM »
I had some energy healing couple yrs ago and had an experience where I was almost regressed to being born 'I don't want to go there ' I heard myself saying - and then in a louder voice 'I don't want to be here ' 'I don't want to be here ' ' I heard the healer saybut you are here ' and then in the moment an acceptance fell on me and I haven't felt that way as much since

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: The will to live
« on: May 18, 2015, 01:36:32 PM »
Thank you for sharing -
For me not having Will to live I now look back and see was to do with grief (re loss of family .. Feeling worthless and shame

Today I don't feel these things v much anymore -
Working a 12 step programme has been central to this
See acoa ( children of alcoholics / dysfunctional families - for meetings -

Having a spiritual life and support and love have been central -

Best wishes to you -

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: I keep checking for replies...
« on: May 18, 2015, 12:46:41 PM »
*possible triggers *

I can relate to what u are saying - in the past I have spent time pre occupied with ' better dead ' thoughts and did start to put into action when I was v depressed - now I see it was all a sign of my desperation of my mood, negative mental health and  difficulty in life and relationships and crushing low self worth-- and grief

I don't feel like that today and I am v grateful for all the support of I have received from different sources -

I've needed and sought someone to talk to for most of my adult life - so far
Each yr I feel I've grown to become more of who I really am with freedom of my difficulties ...
I feel quite stable and am now seeing a child trauma specialist
Finding a support may be of help to you ...
Wishing u all the best on u recovery journey to Health

Books & Articles / Re: Jeff Foster
« on: May 18, 2015, 07:04:34 AM »
Hello woods gnome
Thank you for sharing your discoveries -
A deeper journey started for me 5 yrs ago when I was sitting in sat sang here in Bristol UK - I got to feel me who I truly was outside of the mind - those sittings gave me something wonderfull ' a sense of me ' 'I' and I then went on to scotland to a retreat facilitated by Jeff foster - I really related to his own sufferings and journey, his boy next door approach and his non teacher approach. . He pointed me to deeper ways of being and thinking and I got a lot from it ( plus being around others wanting the same )..
Over the past 5 yrs have developed such a lot and I can't quite believe it's only been that amount of 'time' - hey 5 yrs of good personal development is worth x ... ? Multiple by I couldn't really say ! A LOT :)

If u can ever sit with Jeff I would highly recommend - I hear he has become more world wide these days

I believe cptsd is a gift to me now ( just my experience ) it has pointed me to get what I need to heal and continue to do so and am so grateful for this forum and people who specialise in the field -
I have been through a time of solitude and now am coming to a place of poking my head out in the society again -
I'm on my way to being whole not that I ever wasn't but to feeling more healthy and better - work to continue and Colors to live

Thank u

Introductory Post / Re: not sure if this is grief or CPSTD
« on: May 16, 2015, 06:39:57 AM »


Hello thank you for writing and sharing - each time someone does this honestly it is a healing for me - it validates I am not alone and never was with so many others who have been through such similar trauma -
Re the anger - my own experiences have been so prevalent and still continue - and looking back over how I have expressed that anger therapeutically - I believe for me it's been finding varied ways to do this . My 1st experiences were when therapist got me to talk to the 'empty chair' finding that voice of mine. .. I also have done lots of styles of therapy - group stuff has been good - shouting and screaming in various groups was v liberating -
My biggest breakthrough was working on my addictions - in early recovery my anger was so massive it scared me to death ' I didn't know what I was capable of - I used to have images of strangling my mother with one hand - or slapping her around the face -
Inside I used to leave 12 step meetings and beat the toilet walls - through my drinking breaking things was common esp kicking things ...
I learnt through the 12 step process to work through this anger and process it in a way I was never able to before - there are meetings for acoa ( which includes people from dis functional families -
I don't hold any anger for the mother now still have some re father ( as have limited contact ) but I know the process will come .
Re the guilt I totally understand that - for me it's so easily mixed itself with the 'I'm a bad person' that is now changing.
I see now that anger is a natural force as a direct result of a situation - to be abused by ones own parents / siblings is the cruelest flip side of being part of a family - there is no
Way to rationalise it until we are ready - the anger is completely justified just below the anger mass grief and sadness ( for me it was this way anyway - in some ways the anger was my protection and my riser to say - ' look this happened to me world ,' look I am full and brimming with its actions - look how I've been affected' . In this way the anger gets me to take notice and take actions and has been a friend in some ways to help me get recovery - the guilt and shame however were really hard to deal with ,,, inc thoughts of I will end up a child abuser ( my greatest fear )

Thank you for helping me to write :) I get to see how far I've come in my own recovery

'Is it possible to be emotionally stable '
Absolutely - I've always held onto this from being a teenager - it has proved to be my life's mission -
I am now 42 and at the best place emotionally so far -
I believe in tuning in to ourselves ( as best we can ) and asking for what we need - one persons remedy may be different from the next - it is so wonderful to be in an age of internet where we can explore what is on offer and at the same time over whelming ...

What ever ways we find I know for me it has been a head to heart journey - my brain is damaged and I don't know just 'how fixed it will get ' but it doesn't dominate me so much these days -
The growth in my being is the most important - shifts in attitudes being the most prevalent -
Mindfulness and meditation help me a lot -
We are all where we are at - and we are miracles to have such empathy for others and ultimately to be learning that for ourselves -
We are the ones we have been waiting for and are there always in spite of the fog -
Sunshine obscured by cloud - the sun is always there -
Much blessings to you on your journey

Introductory Post / Re: Introducing myself (quite long)
« on: May 14, 2015, 03:15:41 PM »
For me I did and still do my alcohol recovery through 12 step programme AA - and now have gone on to treat my food problem through another 12 step programme- v grateful and have grown ALot ..
I don't know if my foo made me an addict or if I was already genetically made that way - I don't analyse it to much but I know I need a supportive community to keep growing -
I have experience enough now without fixing on said things to know in myself the problem centres in my mind and when feelings arise or life gets tough the re activating of it can come in different ways -
 Addictively using Internet , spending and other things outside myself to fix on-
Hence a programme of recovery helps me not do this and keep my life manageable and get good support -

Re the cptsd I don't have diagnosis but I rock most of the boxes I am now seeing a child trauma therapist and she is v good and I see I have made good progress in a sort time - she says labels can be both things positive and negative and so she relates to it as child trauma and the symptoms I experience now and how to grow - it's wonderful

I also ' diagnosed' my mother with bpd and dad aspergers ages ago - whether they are or not I don't know but it has helped me read and understand -

Seeing our progress is important I feel and enjoying life alongside - it can all get heavy and sometimes I need a break from it - I mean a lot a people out there are damaged goods and just live life - I'm v grateful I have deeper awareness though and a real chance at recovery

Introductory Post / Re: Hi everyone! (Triggers?)
« on: May 13, 2015, 10:32:07 PM »
Hello - I relate to what u have said about how u feel - it wasn't too long ago I felt like that - but I don't now - ( mostly )

Damaged self worth is part of the aftermath -

Healing is so v possible and to become the person we were always meant to be -
Have u spoken to your doctor -
Is there access to therapy services for you ?

I got offered a really good therapist who specialises and she is really helping me re build

I wish u all the best for the start of your healing

Introductory Post / Re: Hi everyone...[possible triggers]
« on: May 12, 2015, 06:53:40 PM »
I've been finding a real growth spurt quick - therapist is v good -
To start really seeing the damage is very eye opening and yes I had mixed feelings too - just as you've described -
Yes I had that thought a few mths ago ' how long is this going to take -
Now I don't feel like this
Best wishes

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Learning to feel loved
« on: May 10, 2015, 08:38:22 PM »
Fab thank u for your feed back :) it just may promote me to read some :)

Recovery Journals / Re: JDog's Journal
« on: May 09, 2015, 05:28:05 PM »
Good for you on being alcohol free
I am 5yrs sober - alcohol never makes things better in the long run

Best wishes and blessings to your mum and to you

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