Messages

Hi
I haven't been on oots storm for sometime .. it's good to be back .
Thank u for sharing .

I made a firm decision maybe couple yrs ago that when the thoughts come and will say to them ' NO STOP ...we are not going there ... It is not an option .
I've been struggling a lot of triggers and associated symptoms .
There is a pull to go along with suicidal ideation as it feels comforting ..
But I'm still sticking to my commitment to not entertain .
If had thoughts intermittently for many yrs ... Doesn't get easier though ..
I have a v healthy fear of going down that road. It's clear they jump on as a way to give a relief that's when I need to self soothe and comfort myself ... Which yep isn't easy when PTSD sympts are high ..
But that's what I need to do and to call my mh team line

Hi blues
I really relate and am in a similar position right now ...
I feel quite sure it's her stuff and I can't do it anymore ...I'm drained and done .
How did it go in your situation ?

This is a pattern in my life that I outgrow friends ...
I've had long friendships and this one is 7 yrs ( there's something about the number 7 at the mo ...
We have been close friends and shared lots of life ...the difficult , the hard , the amazing , fun , laughter , shared interests...
The past 3 yrs we have both been going through ' stuff . Her mental health instability ++ unresolved trauma .. relationship breakdowns ..unmanageable work situations .
Me trauma PTSD ... In therapy healing and obs the m.e CFS . I've come to the point where I can't take her drama anymore and I'm seeing more and more she is v self centred , seems fake and pushes and pulls in our friendship by no contact and then piling it on , making and breaking plans or not even breaking just not letting me know .
I've worked to practice patience with her , set boundaries where I've needed to etc but now I just feel done ..
It's sad I don't want to lose another friend because my god I don't have a pool of them and she was my closet friend ..
But I can't see any way around it .
I'm a different person to when we met 7 yrs ago I've had a lot of healing and growth .... For her it seems the reverse .
Her  psychiatrist says she may have bpd and it's come to light she has huge sexual trauma which she hasn't and says she can't address .
My m I'm sure has bpd and I can't have a relationship with her so it isn't a surprise I was attracted to someone broken too but I'm changing and wanting more healthy for my life . People who can give and take in healthy ways . Overall I feel this friend has a real lack of respect for our friendship and I often don't know if I'm her closet friend or she doesn't give a s**t . She appears hollow and fake and users people .
I've reached a level where my self care self love and who allow into my space is so important to me .
It's a bit scarey the space that will be left but in honesty it's more past memories than how things have been this past year and longer .
Also the letting go feels like a relief also and an excitement for more healthy relationships in the future .
Women who can look after themselves in healthy ways as I'm learning to do ..

Anyone relate ?
What are your experiences ?
Do I sound sane ?
Also I haven't used the forum for a while can people point me to where I can do some good reading around toxic people and how that operates ..
Thanks

Thanks for.reply eidolon
What is maladaptive daydreaming ?
No nothing in my environment it's peaceful here ...

#TW
Hi I was taken under the mental health team 2+ yrs ago when I was.experiencing flashbacks from a domestic violence situation I witnessed as a young person . I was also thinking about ending life etc . The flashback symptoms then turned into the knife was cutting me on the wrists and down my body it was awful .
I did some work with the nurse around managing anxiety and the thoughts went away ... I did increase ssri too . When I got to see the psychologist 1yr + later I worked on more relational stuff . I did want to have emdr for the flashbacks  but it wasn't available .
Fast forward to last November and with the relapse of my physical health M.E / CFS I was bed bound for 5 wks .
My stress and anxiety was through the roof and the cutting thoughts started up again . First the wrists and then it has progressed to my throat .
I have absolutely no feeling  or intent to act on these thoughts , I feel utterly mortified that they are happening .
Some days they are so full.on like today and can make me feel sick and so very anxious . This morning I woke up in full anxiety . Other days they can be less but everyday they are there in some capacity . The feelings are v hard to tolerate .
I was going to put this post in the SH section but the point is I just don't feel they are SH thoughts even though they have similar theme ,,
Does that make sense ?
I have an appointment with the psychiatrist in just under 2 wks and I really want to know what these thoughts fit into .
Am I in a  permanent flashback ?
Is it along the lines of harm OCD ?
Why do.the thoughts hurt me when I don't want to hurt myself ?
They can increase if I am extra stressed but similarly they can start up when I am having calmer periods .
I feel distressed because I don't know how to quantify what is going on with me ? It doesn't seem to be fitting in a particular box for me to get a handle on it ...
If I can know then I can start to find the way out ...at the minute it just seems so confusing ...
Any experience / knowledge I'd appreciate ...
Thanks

Hey woodsgnome
I hear you cause I have it too ..
It's called shame ..
It's what happened to us ...
What helps is to develop that self.compassion be our own best friend .
Easier said than done I know..
Your a great person and have been so helpful here at oots .. wise and sincere ...
Don't forget who u really are

Hi
This is post I'm sure will sound full of self pity but I'd just like space to vent if I may ...
I just feel such a failure ..
Needed to let my career go 2.5 yrs ago due to cptsd ... Got into treatment and was doing well got discharged and then 2 mths later my m.e / CFS got much worse and bam I've been housebound for 5 mths ..
I just feel like I've failed at so much ..
Never got the long term partner , no kids , no home ownership , no car , no friendship group well I have but not close close people if u see what I mean .. no family support ..
And now I'm disabled but look fine some of the time ..
I feel so many people  out here have  got a good life but I know many don't .
How do I stop beating myself up for choices I didn't make , things I didn't strive for , problems with relationships ... It's like I've woken up to the car crash of my life ..
In my defence I have spent a lot of my life in addiction but not there anymore ...
How did I get it all so wrong when I felt I was getting it right ?

Hi SMO
Welcome
Yes I used to get triggered a lot ...grounding techniques are so helpful

Thanks kizzie
Thing is I really can't trust myself with whom I am drawn too ... It's as if the person I want to speak to in the room is the v person I shouldn't ....maybe that's my guide !
All I know at present is to focus on my own recovery and health ... And what's showing up is self care is top priority.

Thank u yep , I'm pretty much housebound with the m.e / CFS  and we are on lockdown in UK but I'm grateful for garden and church pals and I'm attending to those relationships the best I can ..
Hope u doing ok it's nice to be back here safe place with others who understand

Thanks not alone yes feels good to put boundary in ..
It is a pattern with me ..I take take take and then bam the line is crossed ..
It felt a final straw when she said ' I don't feel you've been listening to me like my other friends ! * 2 yrs of being there and bloody listening ...
Well I'm not listening now !

Thanks blueberry for your reply ..
Yes important not to beat self up ..

Hi both I relate a lot ...
I too have a pattern of cutting and running in my life it's mostly justified but not always ...
I have a high tolerance until I have a  low tolerance ..
I'm lonely in my life ..

Hi all
Haven't posted for a while thanks for being here ..
A friend of 7 yrs has been significantly mentally unstable this past 2 yrs it's been difficult with her and I feel I've reached my limit .
A private psych said to her he thinks she has bpd . She already has cptsd diagnosis as do I and untreated sexual abuse from f ...

I've been seeing more a more manipulative behaviour , chaotic and pushing pulling behaviour , backtracking and contradicting self , huge emotional fall out from loss / abandonment stuff and suicidal expressions . We are both in 12 step programmes and I know she is going from person to person with her stuff and people telling her she needs outside support ...
I can also see a lot of her giving to me is to do with her clinging and am seeing more and more her lack of empathy ..
I am unwell physically with chronic health and she called me out recently saying I'm not listening to her like her other friends ... ( Not so long ago she said I was the friend she could speak to the most ) ...I said to her have I not been there the last 2 yrs supporting -- she didn't answer ..
Today I've put a boundary in and said I can't have contact unless she gets MH support ...this I was able to do with someone else's support to me ..
She said she is seeking cptsd support but i can't see this being enough ...anyway that's her bag and responsibility ..

For me I didn't see how unwell she was until this last 2 yrs ...
Before that she was reasonably stable and we had a good friendship .
She has been my closet friend..

I'm just kicking myself how did I choose someone with bpd after all the therapy and work I've done on myself I feel a failure ...
But I know I'm still healing and I did enter the  friendship a long time ago
I don't know at this point  if this friendship  .can or should continue ...
I'd Def have to have a frank conversation with her , call some things out and put some boundaries in ....but that's for the future and maybe for our sister forum .

Thing is I can't trust who I pick as friends even now cause I know I gravitate towards people with issues just like I have issues ...

I lost another long term friend last yr after seeing her dysfunction more clearly ..

I'm doomed

Lonely and doomed errr I have CFS and am pretty housebound so it's not like I'm getting opportunity to be out in society and mixing ..

I do have support in my community from other people I know friends who are more on the wider network if u see what I mean ...
People fr 12 step , gardens where I volunteered , church etc ...
I feel blessed for that ..

This will be the first time in my life I won't have anyone close close to me ...and I'm at my most vunerable due to housebound ...
It's scarey

All experience and help appreciated

Thank u !

Thanks kizzie..
Whats  been created /being created here is so so so valuable... I often recommend it to. People...
For someone to connect here and get all the support and identification as well as so much information and support around recovery is gold...
I do hope u are well kizzie
Sending u all. Best wishes and be a pleasure to. Come and share my hope.
Triggers still. Happen hey so I have a place to come x

Not sure if this is the right place to post this message...
Maybe a tab with gratitude could be good
I periodically feel an overwhelming sense to post how so v v grateful and thankful I am for this forum over the yrs...
Thank u to dear kizzie and all the team for holding space and helping the recovery ship for cptsd to. Continue sailing. The hope, the safety and the kinship.
I recommend this forum to others and I do hope they find it as amazing as I have..
I'm due to be discharged from the psych team next wk. Have been with them for 2 yrs recovering and having therapy.. They have been fantastic..
I've been blessed
There is hope for everyone with this condition.
And so as I continue on... I keep healing and re integrating and I wish the same for everyone here.
I don't use the forum as much as I did but I'll pop back and  to offer my experience to others...
Have a good day and take care