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I wanted to know why I was the scapegoat. Only recently I discovered a brother was a scapegoat too. We were the middle children and the most creative, both musically inclined, and emotionally sensitive.

Ultimately the reason I was scapegoated: My Nmother had an affair and I am the child from that affair. I hadn't fully accepted that until my Nmother died in 2010 though I first mentioned it in 2005 to my therapist. After she died repressed memories flooded through for the next several years. It was the second time in my life that I had flooding of memories. One memory came to me recently about the first time my Nmother harped on me because I wasn't like my brothers. I was six years old. What she didn't like about me wasn't something I could change; I had a different father. Her attack on me was so vicious that my stepdad had to step in to stop her.

After the flooding of memories, my life finally made sense even down to the trigger which caused me to enter therapy for the third time in my life back in 1988.

I found this forum by way of Out of the Fog. I used to frequent there when I first figured out some things in my life. I've been on this healing journey since I was 25 years old. It was the first time I got triggered by where my childhood abuse happened. Yet I didn't know it at the time. It took until I reached 35 years old for the stopper to come out of drain and then everything fell apart. At the same time, I started to understand my messed up childhood.

My mother was a malignant narcissist and I was one of her scapegoats, mentally/emotionally abused. A brother two years younger than me was the other, physically abused. I didn't know until recently that my brother's abuse continued throughout his childhood like mine.

I lived with my parents, Nmother and OCPDstepdad. I had a psychopath/narcissist for a father who my mother was forced to send me to at my father's whim. He was a serial killer and forced me to watch and participate in his criminal acts. He also emotionally, physically, and sexually abused me. I witnessed two murders when I was three years old. That day my C-PTSD and poly-fragmented DID started.

Then I came home to my Nmother who assaulted me emotionally and never heard what I was trying to tell her about my father's crimes. In 2012 reported my father's criminal acts to the cold case division in the state where they occurred. This year I gave an update and a new detective was on the case. I told him about the four words I used to repeat to my Nmother when I was three years old. The guy told me they described what one would see and smell at a murder scene. It was one validation I needed to hear. I wasn't crazy.

I've come a long way on my journey and yet there's so much more which needs to be healed. That's why I joined this forum.