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Hi minnow.

I am sorry that you had such a rotten childhood at the hands of your mother.  I know exactly how you feel.  Well done for gaining such an understanding at such a young age. 

I am waiting for the book "The body keeps the score"  to be delivered.  You said you have done a lot of reading around your situation,  so you may have already read this.  Are there other books you would recommend?

All the best to you.

Libby

Thank you for your welcomes, candid and minnow. 

Candid - your description of Imposter syndrome is spot on.  Other than my foc,  I tend only to talk superficially to a few neighbours and fellow dog walkers. I walk away feeling like I have just put on an act and vow not to get into any more conversations that day.  It's as if I can only cope with a small amount of interaction at a time because it feels like such hard work to pretend to be "normal"!

Minnow - so interesting that you have the same phobia.   For me, I don't know where it originated,  but literature links emetophobia to feeling a lack of control which was the main feature of my relationship with my mother. I am more worried about other people vomiting than I am of vomiting myself (although that applies as well)  and I do link it with my parents reaction.   They weren't bothered by it so why should I be.  They would mock me and bring up past bad experiences over and again.  They made me eat when I did not feel well or disliked the food. I just knew that they would not hear my fears and protect me. I realised that I had not imagined all of this because they frequently took my children to eating places when they had been or were feeling sick, with no regard for my children or people around them. My daughter, aged around 12 at the time had had a stomach bug for a few days and my mother insisted she join the family (I was not present as LC at the time) for my father's birthday meal in a restaurant and made her eat a meal. DD was ill again but the whole sorry situation was repeated again the next evening and daughter was ill again.  All because nm didn't want her holiday spoilt by my daughter being ill. I felt that she had abused my daughter and further abused me through the abuse of my child.  I feel so bad that allowed my parents to maintain a relationship with my children.  Fortunately I don't think they suffered long term and don't miss their grandparents at all.

Sorry I got a bit carried away.  This whole topic seems to be a big trigger for me, so thank you for listening.

Libby

Thank you all for your welcomes. It's amazing how writing some of my story here and being accepted has helped me feel a bit better.  I have never felt that I truly belonged anywhere,  not in my foo, not in school,  not when I trained as a nurse, not in the workplace.   Even in my foc,  it often feels as if I am going through the motions, sort of pretending that I really belong.  So it's great to find somewhere to feel comfortable.   

I can relate to all of the c-ptsd symptoms,  and am starting to see that my sudden dips in mood are probably emotional flashbacks.   I put these changes down to my long standing depression,  but I think that it fits more with EFs.  It seems independent of the depression,  very sudden and as people here describe, feeling small and young and scared and helpless and wanting to cry but with no tears so choosing to isolate instead. There is anger as well,  which sometimes comes out and sometimes doesn't.   I feel disconnected from the world in general and often find myself asking my husband if my views and feelings on people and events are really "off". Life feels very confusing most of the time.

I am looking forwards to reading and sharing here and am feeling a bit more positive already.

Thanks again,  Libby.

Hi gromit.

Your introduction of yourself to this site really resonated with me.   So much so that I registered here and posted my own story.

I know just how you feel when you talk of an emotional response to something that you know is out of all proportion.  I also try to avoid ever asking for anything.   In fact,  I just try to avoid interaction wherever possible.  It's too stressful.

Like you,  I am in the UK where the GPs know next to nothing of the effects of childhood trauma.   They have no idea that depression can be felt as physical pain even though plenty of research exists. 

I hope we can share in further discussions.

Libby

I have been reading and posting on OOTF for a few months and found it really helpful.  I felt like I was really getting to grips with my situation regarding five years of ST from my FOO. I have been able to accept that I was the SG, especially for my mother,  who was beyond controlling.  I have no desire to be in contact with my parents or GC sister but I can't seem to move on from here.

I have suffered a lifetime of depression and anxiety - I am sure I was depressed when I started school at age four.   My mother desperately wanted a baby to make up for her unhappy childhood with her depressed mother.  She has always freely admitted that I was a disappointment,  unlike my sister who wasn't planned and arrived 15 months after me. Lovely family stories abound of how I was blamed for things that happened when I was only a baby or toddler.  I was accused as a two year old of letting my sister out of a gate and onto the road to be in danger from the one bus of the day. The family love all these little tales of how awful I was and would never consider I could be affected in any negative way, because they were such absolutely fabulous and perfect parents.  No matter the emotional and physical abuse from mother,  because I was fed and clothed and had a home. Actually food was used to control,  clothes and haircuts were for boys as that was what parents liked and I was left in no doubt that it was their house and their rules.

Every milestone in my life was ruined by manipulations from mother backed up by weak EF.  I was brought up to believe I would have no life away from them as I wasn't worthy.  I had disappointed mother by not loving her enough from my birth.   The last thing she said to me in person was that I thought that she was never good enough for me.  Sounds like projection to me. She spoilt my meeting of my husband,  marriage and births of my children. Mostly with her nasty,  snide put -downs and all round difficult and controlling behaviour.

When I said to EF that I was really depressed and blamed my rubbish relationship with mother the response was ST except for the odd hoover from EF complaining that he hasn't seen my daughter for years despite nm telling us that he was finished with her!! Sister immediately followed suit with the ST,  telling me I was wrong about childhood,  it was not the way I remembered it.

I have suffered the trauma of a difficult twin pregnancy resulting in premature birth.  One twin has learning difficulties and the other is on the autistic spectrum.  They are in their twenties and will probably always live with us. All of this was against a backdrop of mothers awful behaviour - seeming like a great grandparent but really causing loads of trouble especially between my h and I.

So here I am at 50+, I have a good husband,  lovely (but challenging)  children,  a nice house etc but I am still weighted down by depression, anxiety,  awful physical pain,  a vomiting phobia, no job,  no friends (ever, really).  Just such all encompassing pain which makes me not want to live.   I won't end my life but I don't see the point either.   

I think I have the symptoms of c-ptsd and feel that this may explain my inability to move on.

I would really like some feedback from regulars here.  Does my life history fit with c-ptsd development and do my circumstances now, reflect your experiences of this condition? 

I have reached out for help but never really got any.   The NHS isn't good at dealing with mental health and I seem to be deemed unworthy of help, even though I have never been demanding or difficult.   I think my mother's conditioning of me has fed into all areas of life - unworthy of happiness,  friends,  family,  housing,  good job,  anything.

Thank you for listening.

Libby12