Messages

That was hugely helpful ThreeRoses. I'm so relieved someone gets what I'm saying and relates!!

I am really looking forward to developing the capacity to stay in my body and speak my truth 

Great topic to consider, thanks for starting this thread.

I usually wake up in an emotional trigger. I immediately light a cigarette and drink a coffee and look at social media to escape from my intense panic. I also have intrusive thoughts about work and interactions with people like you movement, sometimes memories. I never eat breakfast though I did go through a phase a few weeks ago of having breakfast that I'd prepared the night before. I have insomnia so I wake up quite exhausted. I tend to waste a lot of time trying to distract myself by numbing, and leave myself very little time to get ready for work.

Not things I think about clearly if not prompted to write them down. Thanks again.

Look at how pervasive the effects of childhood abuse are. Unbelievable. Lucky there is hope!

I've just been reading about this! You're describing the flight response perfectly Do consider purchasing Pete's book, it is such tremendous help.

I used to be quite controlling of others without realizing it (I was 'helping' - my slave role as a child) but other than that, I've relinquished control to an incredibly unhealthy degree. I am a quite dissociative type and my freeze response is on the continuum of total collapse/giving up/powerlessness. I would like to be a bit more 'controlling' like you! My response was based on the conclusion that nothing I could possibly do would have any impact on my world whatsoever and escalated into profound sense of helplessness.

Anyway, there is plenty you can do about this, and it's normal and common and understandable

Hi guys 

Hope you're all having a nice day.

I'm increasingly noticing within myself that when it is time for me to talk, I totally dissociate. I just flee, blank out - where does my consciousness go? It must be so weird for them!! (whoever is looking at me, talking to me, waiting for a response)

There is tremendous fear present but I do not feel it, I am just aware of it.... I can watch the symptoms of it physiologically - **** this stuff is hard to put into words!

Here's the kicker - I know I am smart. I have important things that I want to say. It is important for all people, including me, to be able to express themselves.  I should have that right.
Also, sometimes it is important for me to defend myself, assert myself, protect myself with words. This is currently completely outside my scope of capacity. I am hijacked and short circuited by an immediate emotional trigger which sends me into profound dissociation. My body becomes a marionette going through the motions.

I notice if an authority figure at work comes and says stuff at me, I dissociate and smile and nod and fawn, but forget most of the things they have said because I've left the building. I think people would be able to see in my eyes that I'm glazed over and not present or alert.

This contributes to my toxic shame as well.

For a long time I was comfortable with this fawn/freeze response and deflecting, listening, asking questions, encouraging others to monologue, going along with what others wanted, never asserting or informing others, suited me. Now it is no longer viable professionally or personally.

I need to be able to show others myself, my mind, etc.

Has anyone had this experience and had any success in reducing the automatic shut-down triggered response?

 

Hello beautiful heart,
Congratulations on your commitment and work in recovery!!!! Impressive! You're literally a hero.

Watch very, very closely for codependence in yourself while you do this. Darlene Lancier explains everyday codependence beautifully in her books. It can be very hard to see because its bedrock sounds true : I should help my sister. Reasonable! Can get out of hand though in very subtle, verrrry distressing ways.

Decide clearly on your boundaries now, today, and don't let yourself forget them. Be honest with yourself about how much stress you are willing to endure.

Your sibling is probably a bottomless pit who could demand more and more resources and time from you, at this stage of her recovery.
Remember that you are subconsciously viewed as an enemy to her unrecovered self, and she will be looking for reasons not to trust you. Relationships are the battle ground of CPTSD. She may set it up so you become engulfed in helping her. She may make you responsible. Her thinking is distorted, like mine was, like yours was.

Make sure you identify her flight fight type so you know when she's triggered.

If she is identified as a helpless victim and you are known as the strong, able, invincible, wise one, your rights and health may not be considered by her or others. The stress of advocating in an incredibly broken, illogical, corrupt and compromised system is profound and must be acknowledged. Some of my deepest wounds stem from the indifference of institutions that are supposed to help.

You are not a therapist. Trust me from experience, you trying to help her can destroy your relationship. Way too much burden on you. It gets in the way of just being sisters. A simple supportive sister relationship is very healthy for her. More so than you being a longterm advocate or you racking your brain trying to know the magic way to support her and teach her.
The best way for you to support her? Be your strong, authentic, real, whole, recovered self unapologetically. Sometimes teach her organically, sometimes don't. Just maintain you and make sure you are the most important person in the room to yourself, at all times.

Go in and advocate for her but please prioritise you.

Let me guess, you're older than her?

Can she concentrate enough to read? Give her Pete Walker's book!

Thanks Blueberry, what an absolutely awesome post. I agree and relate to everything you said.

For some reason, this is sticking! After 15 years of not being able to fix this not-eating thing, I am doing it now! And drinking water, AND, all the things I'm eating are healthy. What the heck?! I can't believe the difference in my energy levels. I need far less coffee now. It was so circular. Thank God I'm out of that loop. Maybe tending towards over-eating but I'm not going to pathologise everything LOL. I'll keep an eye on it.

Blueberry, do you have any links or resources that illustrate the kind of IC work you did? I also have multiple inner children and teenagers. I am very visual, I have seen them. They're startlingly potent, not just whimsical little fragments of faint memory. Some are trapped back in time and haven't noticed they're not 8 (for example) any more. I'm SURE the fact that I can eat now has something to do with the fact that I recited Pete Walker's IC affirmations to them a few times.

Libby, so glad you're enjoying Pete's book. It's created powerful shifts for me in easy, natural ways. Thanks for your encouragement and insights, I've really enjoyed your company on this thread 

[As noted above, torture creates DID in highly intelligent, resillient children. Others go insane or die.]

Hi Anchor,

I hope you don't find this upsetting, please hear me out. There are many, many, many red flags of DID, dissociative identity disorder, previously referred to as multiple personality disorder, in your testimony. I see more very clear indicators of DID than I do CPTSD. DID is a survival mechanism the psyches of highly intelligent children employ, when the abuse is so severe that the mind splits. One compartment of the mind holds the abuse and the memory, allowing the other part of the mind to be shielded, forget, and go to school. It often begins in infancy.

His behavior is not actually reflective of what I understand CPTSD to present as. Trauma is the fundamental cause of DID - people with DID do have PTSD or CPTSD, but their abuse was up a few notches and caused this amazing survival function available to humans to enable cognitive survival.

I have a lot of personal experience with this, which is why I feel confident about what I am seeing in your posts. I do not have DID myself, but still consider myself a lived-experience expert

The nature of DID is to be covert. Many people don't realize they themselves have it or that their husband or wife have it, until mid-life, if ever. Many people with DID cannot function at all and many are very highly successful - they actually create personalities whose role it is to achieve. DID is designed to hide and protect the person. It happens when abuse is so horrific that the mind cannot stand it. More severe abuse causes it than the majority of people occupying this board endured (not to minimise, just explaining) DID often goes undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.
There are often apparently normal parts who act as the Host. The Host's job is to go to work, be a husband, and live a normal life. The Host is in complete denial, has to be in order to do its job to protect the system. 

It is possible that the personality acting as The Host changed when you arrived at your MIL's house. That may explain the drastic changes in behavior.

I'll go through and find the strong signs of DID I see:

*Actually what he described in some cases was more like torture. As noted above, torture creates DID in highly intelligent, resillient children. Others go insane or die.
*He told me he was a troublemaker child and that is why his father beat him. Child alters often take this identity, as a bad trouble maker
*He said he was never ever happy during his childhood. Indicates severe abuse or amnesia
*He told me at the age of 16 he stood up to his father and told him if he didn't stop beating his mother, he would kill him with his own hands, and his father stopped. Emergence of powerful protective alter, possibly capable of murder under specific circumstances?
*He almost seemed like he had a mild case of manic depression the first 5 years of our marriage and then things got better and better until he seemed pretty normal. Do you say manic depression because of sudden, extreme mood swings? Suddenly very 'up' then down? In context, that could suggest DID

*Then about a year and a half ago everything started to change. The glue holding the system you were familiar with, began to come unstuck?

*His mother has also confirmed that much of his behavior right now is just like his father (he even sometimes goes into what can be described as trances where he speaks in his father's voice and his native language and cannot understand English). This is not CPTSD. This could very well be an alter personality. It is quite common for people to absorb 'fragments' of their abusers then act the person out. This is very well documented and researched

*He also often behaves like he has returned to his childhood and lately has been using a tone of voice that he admitted to me he used when he was 8-9 years old (I noted I had only heard him use it since a month prior and he said I wasn't paying attention because he had been doing it for 3 months!) This is not CPTSD. People with CPTSD do not act out as their inner children or change their voices. This is known as a 'little' alter emerging. A literal child personality. Littles are frequently delightful; many are very scared. Frozen back in time. Calling for his mommy probably connects to a memory that child holds/was created to keep from the rest of the system

*However, here's the problem I face. Compared to when we were first married and he clearly could see and admitted the connection between his behavior toward me and his childhood abuse, now at least outwardly he does not admit there to be any connection. Seems quite a dramatic shift of perspective. Could it be that one self of his knows the connection to his father, and another doesn't have access to that information due to amnesiac barriers and lack of co-consciousness?

*What I have clearly observed is that his aggressive and controlling behavior is at its worst when his mother is present and the topic of conversation is food or it is meal time. No history of caring about food? A Protector/Controller Alter emerged at the sight of his mother and the return to his hometown?

She did say his father was very abusive toward her at the table (not the children) and that he was acting like his father, only his father was worse. Again, could well be an internalised fragment of his father being triggered to come out at the scene of the original creation.

I said, "Stop worrying about what I eat, where I eat, or who I eat with. Worry about something important, like your exams." What struck me was as soon as I said that, he shot up from sitting like a rocket, said, "You are right" and left the room. I realized I had touched upon something, namely that telling him he needed to study resulted in an overly compliant response. Sounds exactly like a switch. Another personality emerged in that moment, probably the one whose job it is to obey the father and study.


However, unlike when we were first married, there is no acknowledgement from him about this Different host personality at the helm, than the one you married?

many times he just sits silently at meals. Quite extremes of behavior - abusive and controlling or silent. Different parts of him active?

He is suffering from complete emotional numbing. Very common with DID.

Tells me he loves no one and that if he could feel he would wish he was dead. Common DID

When I say nice things to him like how much I love him and care about him, he gets a very pained look on his face, like he has constipation and someone stuffed a bitter lemon in his mouth. Common DID

He is convinced his behavior is the real him and that he wasn't himself before. Indicates different selves, different personalities. If it is DID, this current self truly wasn't the same person who was in charge of the body before. He's telling you the truth.

*He's obsessed with wanting to feel in control, before he was happy to share decision making with me. CPTSD usually doesn't produce such radical personality or relational changes. I haven't encountered that as a symptom in any of my research. I've researched a lot

*He is engaging in a lot of destructive behaviors that could have lifelong consequences for multiple people if not nipped in the bud sooner rather than later Might be alters engaging in that behavior

*From what I have learned about midlife crisis, the different voices are him returning to earlier stages of his life when he had issues and/or acting out the abuser role (i.e. his father). Is there evidence that this happens during a midlife crisis? I've never heard of that as a midlife crisis symptom - different voices, reverting to childhood states, embodying an abuser? If that is common in midlife crisis, that is useful learning for me, interesting.

*It's interesting that you realize what you are doing, I was really gobsmacked when he said he had been using the 8 year old voice for 3 months. He HADN'T been using it that long, but he obviously was aware that he had started it in the near past when I told him he never used it before. He told me he used to say "Mommy mommy" in that voice (he uses it to call me as well) and I asked him if he used it when he needed something from her. He went silent at that point. Loss of time/inability to track time, classic dissociative symptom. I think I saw you mention somewhere else that he loses time? If so, that will be when different parts of him are active

*No it's clear he hasn't. He may literally not remember. Different parts may remember different things, but not one cohesive story


*97% of his stories from his childhood involve animals, not people, and he is an endless source of animal stories-wild, stray, pets, farm animals-you name it, his mind is a virtual zoo. I even asked him a few months ago if he spent all his time with animals as a child and he said yes! Unrealistic account of his childhood. Inner world stuff? Happens a lot.

*He has only ever told me two stories of him being a troublemaker even though he believes he was a really bad one.

*There is something else he is doing though that I think could to some extent account for the numbness as I think if he felt anything, the guilt he would feel toward me would be too much so he has had to turn off his feelings.

*At one point I told him he is like a robot: I push a button, and he does what I ask of him in terms of practical matters, but he feels nothing. He totally agreed with this assessment. Very common in DID

*he told me how the previous day he had fired a nurse, docked another's pay for 3 months, and hired another to work for free for 3 months because she wasn't well trained enough. Before that I hadn't realize what a terror he was being at work (he's a director of a newly opened hospital) So he does indeed have some self-awareness of what he is doing and how it affects others. What seems to be lacking mostly is the cause and effect part of it. I'm hesitant to say to him, "You aren't your father" or "Your father isn't around" because he might just be driven more into denial.

*He's really lost so much of himself in the past year and a half.

*He has become obsessed with eating the food of his childhood too and one day he actually stuck out his tongue when I said I was making something that he always used to like to eat. I can't really explain why he has latched on to food. It's a mystery except maybe it is just low hanging fruit (so to speak) for someone who really wants to control his life.

*But it's not like I could say "Your mother should eat by herself." Because when she wasn't here to eat with us he was fine. She may trigger a particular protective personality to emerge to protect the littles and other personalities who don't feel capable of sitting in her presence, considering she was complicit in their abuse and would be a heavy, heavy, dangerous trigger for him

* (I actually had made a video of him with my phone 3 months before when he was haranguing us that mealtimes were about "freedom" and we didn't have to eat together if we didn't want to do so and if he had challenged me about it I would have been able to show him his own words) but I was polite and I ate by myself. So.... do you feel like you have to record him, to show him versions of his own opinions, because later on, he will forget what he said or have a totally different stance? That's not CPTSD.



*But there is so much else about him that I miss. He is physically, emotionally and mentally distant. I wouldn't say I am angry about this, but it's really a lot easier to stop someone from doing something than to force them to do something. You can't make someone be closer to you if they don't want to (or can't be). The person you are interacting with may not be in love with you, may have been 'asleep' when the body married you, may not consider you his/her wife, may have just met you.

Please research DID thoroughly, and research CPTSD thoroughly. I can recommend this book for a thorough and in depth, complete understanding of CPTSD. https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842 There are plenty of excellent books on DID too. It's always better to know the truth either way.

The three C's: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. No matter what it is he has, please look after yourself and stay focused on you and your needs.

If it is CPTSD, it really should respond to clear communication. He may be the fight/narcissist type as described in the book linked above. Denial is powerful in CPTSD but your husband's denial sounds quite extreme. Many people with CPTSD are people pleasers who need harmony in relationships, are badly frightened by arguments, are perfectionists and readily take on criticism from others and work hard to change - though I may be speaking from a 'fawn' point of view.

Wishing you all the very best. Read some good books and you'll be well armed with the right info  

Hi 

Even though I'm seeking help for the trauma he caused (CSA and adult emotional abuse etc.), the mention of his presence means I can't breathe.

This is a flashback. A textbook, totally normal, totally healthy, predictable response that 99% of the human population would experience if they were you. If someone were to experience what you have, and not have these kinds of flashbacks, they would have to be psychopathic or something.
You can read all about what happens to you in books by experts, by far the best I've found is Pete Walker.
In those moments, you flashback to the times you were suffering the abuse. The not being able to breathe part is a dead giveaway. With CPTSD, many of the flashbacks are emotional, and we feel them in our bodies, minds and emotions, but don't necessarily get vivid images or tangible memories. It's all somatic.  Sometimes we can feel small, shaky, extremely scared, vulnerable, weak, powerless - all of those feelings are our inner child. She needs your reassurance and unconditional positive regard. You'll develop that in therapy. It's not your fault if you don't know how yet.
When we have an emotional flashback our inner critic abuses us for having it. We go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn, or a combo. Our inner critic continues to berate us, which reminds us again of being a child. On and on it goes. You drifting away from the question and not remembering your answer was a little bit of dissociation. Normal. All of it, normal. The pattern can definitely change, but only with the right information, healing and therapy. It will never magically change by itself, because it is hardwired. So you cannot be blamed for not being 'better'.

Many people think anger is a cover for fear. The idea is that people broil around in anger because it's easier to feel and express anger, than abject horror. You feeling fear may indicate that you are in touch with the truth of yourself, rather than covering it up with anger.

I don't think it's a coincidence that your mind bought these topics up in the same post: lack of anger, feeling like a fraud, stubborn convictions that it was your fault somehow. I think the three are intimately connected.

How do I describe this.... the appalling truth of my childhood and what people did to me, is too confronting to admit to myself fully. I am not ready for it. I am not ready for the white hot anger, can't stand the force of that truthful emotion. I am not ready for the grief. I am not ready to truly, truly admit the reality to myself. It feels too stark. Facing up to it would shift everything.

When I was a child, it was out of the question to admit that I was powerless, and it was out of the question to admit that the people who were supposed to love me, didn't. I relied on those people for food, clothing, shelter, existence, as well as essential emotional nourishment and approval. I was biologically primed to connect powerfully to my parents - mother nature's way of ensuring we survive as a species. As they were all continuously abusing me, I could not face the truth about what that meant, because realizing as a tiny child that you are completely unloved, abused and uncared for, is way too scary. I think that revelation would have shattered me altogether. I couldn't accept that humans were like this, either - it's too horrifying for grown adults to hear these stories and be faced with that element of human nature, let alone a dependant, tiny child who had no means to get away from these monsters.

So as a defense mechanism, to award myself an illusion of some power and autonomy and to build a false sense that I could do something to change my circumstances, I took the blame. I believed that if I were better, they would change. I shifted the disgust, loathing and blame that belonged on my abusers, to my self. I was a little girl. Objectively, as an adult, that was a crazy notion (to blame myself and strive to become perfect so I could change my parents and other abusers). But it's what we do. It's what we all do. We take the blame. It becomes toxic shame. We elevate the abusers sometimes, give them clemency, absolve them of responsibility, make excuses - often, they train us to do that as well. We are badly punished for criticising them or expressing pain or resistance about our abuse or life circumstances.

Then I traipsed through life knowing some of what had happened, amnesiac of most, but totally minimising it. I pretended it wasn't so bad and that I was wrong to feel pain about it. I berated myself for being self destructive, for having no self esteem, for not being normal. I felt like a fraud - like I didn't deserve to have my pain.

My amnesia broke in my mid twenties and I was so utterly horrified at what had happened to me. The realization was worse than the memories themselves. That early onset denial was very painful, when it broke.

I hope this is making sense.

I propose that to protect yourself and keep the spark of your soul alive, to prevent yourself from fully collapsing under despair and hopelessness, you took the blame, tried to find ways to make your abuser a good person, and you minimise by wondering if you are a fraud. You might do this because truly acknowledging what happened to you is far too confronting. You're right: anger will be the healthy, natural response for us when we are ready. Apparently we also have to grieve our childhoods as well. None of it sounds appealing - I am very attached to the idea of being in control of myself, and I am also conditioned by the larger world that I have to be constantly happy. I also have adult tasks and responsibilities - I can't flop around crying and being furious about things that happened 20 yrs ago. It feels like going into those depths will change me forever and be time consuming and painful. But those are the self loving tasks ahead and I will find a way, because I do care about myself now. I deserve to heal. But at my own pace and with fair expectations. All this self bullying is counter productive. Also, I am primed for high drama and theatrics because that's what my life was like, but I actually notice a gentle denial melt, rather than big explosive shocking internal events that used to happen to me.

I think inner children of yours might have a hard time right now twisting their perspective of your abuser to an accurate one. I think it is them, and your inner critic, who are feeding you the thoughts and doubts that appeared in your original post. I wish I was more articulate and better and explaining what I'm trying to say. I just think that self blame is safer for a while. People talk about denial and avoidance in this derisive way sometimes, like they're bad things that should be broken. But in reality, denial and avoidance has saved countless lives. We will shift our perspectives when we're ready.

Hi buddy. Google Pete Walker, he is the master. He has a website with tips about how to cope with EFs, like when you visit your MIL as well as in general life, and he has a book which is an absolute godsend.

Sometimes when I ask a question and people refer me to a website, I feel rejected. It feels inhuman of them, like they can't be bothered answering me. Please know that the only reason I referred you to Pete is that the answer to your question is too involved for me to adequately put into words, but I know that Pete does an excellent job of describing what to do, far better than I could ever hope to express. I hope one day when I have learned all this more thoroughly for myself, I will be able to give good answers to anyone who is beginning 

Meanwhile, what a great thread!

I'm not new to my diagnosis (psych person told me I have CPTSD a few years ago) but I am new to learning about it, so I have not reflected on what triggers me yet. What a great prompt for an exercise.

Sooo. EFs.

Anyone criticising me or appearing to
Images, thoughts or suggestions relating to children being hurt
Me making a mistake
Eating
Money
Exercising
A lot of noise
Angry/discontent looks on peoples' faces
Anyone seeming to be upset with me
Welfare agencies and their corruption/incompetence being discussed
Any reminder of the lack of good help available in general for people suffering mental illnesses, addictions or family violence
Seeing my FOO
Any family dynamic, eg time with partner's parents
Night time
Lying down to go to sleep
Waking up
Me not being perfect

Gosh, lots more. My head is going dizzy, some part of me doesn't like doing this at all, wants to dissociate.

Thanks Candid! 

I ate lunch again!

This time I 'forgot' to until I didn't have much time left. But I had a flash of reading Libby say "I hope this continues" and that was somehow interpreted as instruction and permission and encouragement to make it continue. I had some soup left over so heated that up. I notice having convenience foods available, that all I have to do is warm it up, is a good idea for me. Having to actually prepare food puts me in overwhelm, fright, confusion and pain. Too much, too many ways to fail, too overwhelming.

I noticed as I was eating that the action of eating definitely triggers flashbacks. I noticed myself trying to distract myself from the act of eating, and when I tried to become more present, I could feel myself palpably trying to flee my body, in great fear. I started saying soothing things to myself then just numbed out.

Thanks Libby, love your thoughts. Let me know what you think of the book

Yes.

Totally.

When trauma pushes a person's physiology to the limit, and this trauma can be neglect or emotional abuse or verbal abuse, doesn't have to be big overt violence, the person goes numb and 'dead'. Then life moves on, we go into our fight/flight/freeze/fawn response, we identify as the inner critic, we get distracted, are forced to continue to exist, but those 'dead' moments live on inside us and become the predominant approach to life.

There ISN'T a point to a lot of the things humans involve themselves in.

I have found it sooooo hard to engage in life and the pursuits that drive other people, because all of it seems so hollow and pointless to me.

I think it's echoes of depression, the freeze response, having been stretched too far psychologically and emotionally - we're outsized people. We've seen and been to limits others can't conceive of, often by the time we were 5  . Our container is vaster, our perspective is different.

I think the way we were robbed of normal developmental milestones, we didn't get the chance to form our actual identities and know who we are, what we like, what we want, what we don't want, etc, plays into this.

But being so disengaged from life robs me of a lot.

It's so scary and disconcerting, isn't it?

The parts of me who are really mean to me, have a field day when I get like this. My inner mean self really uses it to criticise and toxic shame me, which compounds everything and makes it worse. Being extra forgetful also heightens feelings of derealization and lack of consistency and trust in reality. All of it combines to make me feel unsafe. Then I despair.

I am improving now but I noticed over the last week or so I was extremely amnesic, losing things constantly, forgetting where I'd put things. It coincided with depression feelings. As for remembering how many times someone had called me, I don't even have the expectation to remember that stuff normally!

There are sciencey, brain reasons this happens to us.

I am angry that I can barely remember anything from the first 20 years of my life. I can also see how much harder this kind of forgetfulness makes everyday life! Modern life requires sharp memory.

I notice people without CPTSD get very forgetful when they are under stress or have too much to manage or think about, or have had a shock.

Next time I notice myself being forgetful, I would like to try to see that as a signal that I am in some kind of flashback state, and that this is an opportunity for me to do some deep breathing, say soothing things to myself, comfort and protect myself, refuse to accept self abuse about it,  relax my muscles, and manage the flashback kindly. 

Hi! 

I have memories and sensations and experiences exactly like yours, quite frequently. I don't go to therapy but I do experience what you did, at home when I am by myself.

I've learned from this book http://pete-walker.com/complex_ptsd_book.html that a lot of people with CPTSD don't have visual flashbacks like people with PTSD do, but have emotional flashbacks instead which are very difficult to discern. Having a flashback of a squirrel makes it a bit easier to know exactly what your body is panicking about, but when you are suffering primarily unconscious emotional triggers, it's soooo hard to catch and identify. Emotional triggers fling us back to how we felt when we were small and being hurt, and then our inner critic really belts into us which makes us even more adrenalised, but it's all so automatic that we can't discern what is happening. This is the value in having a great book or something to read about it, make it conscious. Once it's explained we can get some distance, perspective, self compassion and self protection. 

I have lived in a 24/7, self perpetuating emotional flashback but my body also projects visual memories so that I re-experience events.

I also have inner children at different ages who are very potent, very real, and quite confronting. I am quite visual for some reason and can be transported back. Sometimes having an experience like yours has made me extra scared because my inner critic judges it to mean that I am super crazy. But I'm not, we're not. It's normal.

From a therapeutic point of view I think it's really very positive that you felt small because it means that your inner child was active and communicative, and she was paying attention to the therapist which means she will hear any positive messages, and she wants to co-operate with your healing! It's very good that you are able to get so powerfully in touch with an inner child who was frozen in time. It's also very positive that you could reveal and express this in front of another person (therapist). Good signs that your inner selves feel good enough to do that. I see a lot of positives here. Because you can access this stuff, you will be able to grieve it and review it as an adult, over time.
I am quite sure my system would automatically shut down and would not let any of that happen in the presence of another person. I have been powerfully programmed not to express myself in any way and am, ironically, badly triggered when it's time to sit with a therapist and communicate. My whole body thinks death is imminent when I attempt that. So well done you!!

I've never remembered something that I don't believe actually happened though. I'd tend to say don't underestimate someone with BPD  but even if the memory was symbolic, it's valuable.

You'd be surprised how poorly people without CPTSD cope with things like court, or any majorly stressful situation. They actually have very poor coping skills, use bizarre defense mechanisms, and use manipulative tactics on themselves and others to survive it. That is not their fault - we are not taught psychological or emotional intelligence. People without CPTSD are a mishmash of defense mechanisms, denial and egoic structures just like we are. The difference is, we suffer more, we have less barriers and less places to hide inside. We don't have self-protectors who defend us from the onslaught of internal attacks. So we shake, our voice quivers, we want to die, we revert back to the powerless and hopelessness of being small victimised children.

Comparing ourselves to people without the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual injuries of CPTSD is inappropriate and unfair. In reality, with the amount of severe stress you've endured this past few days, you have actually excelled beyond the scope of many peoples' capacity.

Of course all of that would trigger you. It would trigger every single button any of us have. It's the perfect storm for flashbacks. It has all the unfortunately perfect elements to agitate every single core wound an abused child would have.  I hope you understand that your response is normal and you have not failed. I hope you can install a nurturing internal mother to soothe you. I am in awe of your strength and resilience, and that's the truth. Not just saying it to be nice 

It's the little girl inside you who is hurt. Can you treat yourself like you would a scared little girl?  She deserves love. None of this is her or your fault. None of it.

Really appreciating all your valuable comments.

Update: I am in my lunch break during a work day and I came home, was attracted to the idea of a certain kind of sandwich, made that sandwich for myself on autopilot, and ate it. Without drama. I even enjoyed the taste a bit!

I went a bit vague, was not totally present for the eating part of it, but this is the first time I've ever been able to do that so naturally and easily without lashings of self abuse from my inner critic. I notice I'm not negatively judging my food choices and lamenting the fact that it wasn't 100% perfectly healthy/clean/organic/paleo/whatever my no-win inner critic imagines I should be eating but would then criticise me for anyway because it's too expensive. Eating must set off an emotional flashback/inner critic sequence that's so automatic it's below consciousness, but today it didn't happen!! First time in as long as I can remember!

Maybe it's not eating.... maybe it's my very existance.

I also happily grabbed a banana for breakfast this morning and put it in my bag, and said to inside my body "I love you, I care about you so I want to look after you." I didn't eat that banana, I didn't really have time, but that is still a change.

I haven't worked specifically on this food thing but I have been repeating the affirmations for re-parenting the inner child, from Pete Walker's book, and reading the book itself as well. Then today, this lunch thing seems to be a by-product of the new understandings and experiences I have, based on the book!

I'm celebrating this little change  and vowing to be compassionate to myself no matter what my eating looks like in the future