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I relate to everything everyone has said. I really admire these posts. You're all so good at putting it into words, a thing that is quite difficult for me. I appreciate reading the concepts I grapple with .

I've just had a realization, and this is making me very, very sad

I use my self blame and the inner critic's self hating abuse, to avoid the vulnerability of the pain, grief and loneliness underneath all that. It's one of the many tactics I use to avoid facing the pain buried deep within.

There is a small, sad, hurt, abandoned, terrified, abused child underneath that I have continued to abandon and reject and abuse and avoid. The loud, harsh abrasiveness of the inner critic and self blame is a major distraction. It's a red herring. I have still found that preferable to meeting my real self, the hurt one. If I spend my life either numbed and dissociated or recoiling in toxic shame from brutal self criticism, I am far too busy and distracted to even touch the real pain underneath. 

I'm so sorry to my inner self. Strangely (for me) I don't feel guilty. I am just sorry my authentic self has been so repressed and ignored. It feels good to acknowledge that. I'm sure that this avoidance has kept me alive while my system waited until I was ready to come out of denial and tolerate the truth. I feel that.

This just came to me as I read this, after reading a little bit of Pete Walker's 'Complex CPTSD' book. Seriously, if you haven't got it, GET IT. I can't believe the relief I'm experiencing already, have only had the book for a couple of days.

[TW]

I'm coming out of denial about some of my symptoms, in a pleasant, gentle way, which is a first. Usually it is an internal abuser who realizes I'm doing something weird, and then lashes me for it, using it to reinforce how deeply flawed I supposedly am. So this is nice, just becoming gently aware in a dispassionate yet caring way. I am sure I am becoming aware and willing to investigate in this nice, calmer way, because I have learned some things about CPTSD that make it less fraught with self-hating judgment and despair.

I have known I have CPTSD for a while now, but didn't know what to do about it and couldn't concentrate enough to understand information I tried to read. I couldn't do therapy because I cannot trust anyone (yet!  ) and become very badly triggered if I sit and talk to someone about myself. So I just kind of ignored it. This is all to say, I'm new to actual active attempts at recovery.

One of the trickiest things about my CPTSD is the denial, self protection, avoidance side of it. It means that I do things and I don't know why, and I don't seem to have access to solutions. It's like subconscious parts of me are in control and I can't communicate with those subconscious aspects. I know they are trying to help me. I think toxic shame might be separating me from my inner reasons or compulsions.

One of the things I do, is avoid eating.

It is almost 5pm here now, and I haven't eaten. I am not deliberately, consciously doing it to keep slim or anything like that. That is the problem, I'm not consciously doing it. It's automatic. I can't remember to eat. I don't feel hunger. I'm not interested in food. I don't enjoy food. I hate having to cook and clean up after it. I might be restricting food to stay slim, I don't know! Could be anything.

I have had some coffees and cigarettes.

I am wondering if anyone has come across any information about disordered relationships to food, in your research into CPTSD? I think that food restriction or over-eating can be common in traumatised people, is that right?

Perhaps I am being too analytical. I like having information, if I can connect dots I find it easier to accept and then work towards change.

I would appreciate your experiences with eating, if you have any, and if anyone has any links, or ideas about what food restriction might be linked to, internally?

I guess it could be a frozen part who doesn't really want to be alive, it could be so many things....

I've just been to the shops and purchased all the ingredients for one of my all-time favorite childhood meals, something my paternal grandmother (who is still insane but was stable enough to cook) made for me when I was young  It's very healthy and nourishing. I won't enjoy it, eating for me is going through the motions.

Wow, a memory just surfaced!!!!

TW
I am the eldest child. I used to argue with my mother about her abusive treatment of us, and try to protect the younger ones. I was highly motivated to stop her, change her, protect everyone. She would punish me sometimes by locking me in my bedroom. I wasn't allowed to have my light on or have any food. One night she ordered Chinese take-out for everyone but I wasn't allowed to have any.
END TW

Wow, my mind is co-operating me by showing me scenes connected to my eating, just because I'm asking about it! That was quite nice. My mind just floated the memories up as visuals, like I was back there again, but without the terrible emotions. So it's connected to that.

Now what?

Oh, sweetheart. I am so sorry you're experiencing all of this. It's tragic the way early abuse plays out and continues to torment us in varied ways through the years.

I relate to and understand some of what you describe. I can't go to sleep. It affects my life badly. I do know a little bit about what your body feels like. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Do you have access to good information about CPTSD, and some of the gentle things we can do to begin feeling safer in our bodies?

Would you consider telling a doctor about all this, with all the information, and seeing if they could help? Maybe you need a sleep medicine for short term help.

I'm enjoying reading all of this, and looking forward to reading the next phases of this journey as they play out, if you feel moved to write about them Candid.

**Possible Triggers**

I want to talk about how great it is that you are willing to engage in therapy. That's a big deal that shouldn't be overlooked!

I am learning about my CPTSD using Pete Walker's book (have you guys got it? It's EXCELLENT!) I am definitely a scapegoated freeze/fawn, and very dissociative. My preferred way to keep safe was to isolate myself from all people everywhere. I had to eventually learn how to be around others in my late 20s, a few years ago, so that I could gain employment. But I still can't do true intimacy or vulnerability, and that is OK, I understand why that is.

Human relationships are far, FAR too triggering for me to even consider therapy. I've been a few times for initial appointments and terminated each one, because the territory of vulnerability is far too frightening for me. My body will not withstand it. The act of sitting and talking with a human about my inner self throws me immediately into a dissociative freeze response and my body pumps with adrenaline and panic. I stay on edge for days after. This is because I was so badly shamed and punished as a young person, for having emotions and for existing in general. It's because of crazy smear campaigns and physical/verbal/emotional abuse, humiliation and shame if I spoke.
Also, I do not have faith that therapists actually understand CPTSD.

Maybe that will change as I heal, maybe it won't, I'm OK with either scenario at this point, and I am so lucky to live in this digital age where I have access to truly healing material that can be delivered in a safe way that is comfortable and productive for me: books, online forums, etc.

But my experience does make me really admire people who give other humans a chance, people who take a shot and are brave and strong and powerful enough to show up to a therapy intake session with the intent to keep going to sessions. Because if you have CPTSD, other humans are like the original battlefield. It would be like a soldier with PTSD having to revisit the site of his original trauma once a week in order to access healing.

I think your showing up, putting up with the long wait, educating the lass on the phone, and all else you're covering here, really shows a lot about the resilience of the human spirit. It speaks to me of life-force always imbued with a bit of hope, reaching for possibilities, trying again through the exhaustion. I am not saying all this to compare you favorably to me or put myself down, because this book I'm reading has taken a lot of my negative self judgment down a few notches to a more sane, reasonable understanding. I just want to acknowledge your beauty in all this  <----- hope hugs are OK.  This long wait and multiple interviews and general appearance of incompetency would arm my inner protectors with plenty of reasons to stop the process, retreat, avoid therapy, and blame outside institutions for it all while victimising myself further. Then my inner catastrophisers would go on a 6 month binge of ruminating about how awful mental health care is, reaching further and further into conspiracy theories for me to drive myself mental about and depress myself more with. You have all those crazy options and you're not doing it. Awesome.