Today just feeling sad and dispirited again.
It's like something heals and I feel better again, and then something more gets triggered and the next wave arrives.
Today I'm feeling bleak about the loneliness that permeates me from my childhood.
I'm starting to get out and about and that feels good because I'm doing it trying to really be present, (whereas before i'd go out and stay defended - almost as if I were just going through the motions and ticking off that I'd done it and feel no better after)
However it doesn't take much to make me feel like it's so pathetic ... spending time with people who take for granted family and belonging or who are discussing their mother cooking for 25 on Christmas day and it hits me how little I have or know of that kind of world, or of anything really.
Likewise people like that wouldn't be able to conceive of my absence or lack of comfort with people, lack of belonging.
I realised yesterday how little I think i'm entitled to really love someone or really be able to trust and relax. It's almost as if somewhere I told myself don't ever love, don't feel, don't need, don't be enough... and I don't. I don't feel it, I can't compute it, I don't get it.
Momentary connections here and there but soon lost in the mire
The concept that I could be among people who love and like me, where I could be enough without doing or saying or being something unacceptable, that life could be safe, is an alien one.
And always when I'm with people I feel like they like and want each other more than they want me. It's a wretched, shameful feeling.
I think I'm waffling. One of those days when you try to describe the bleak winds swirling within but you can't.
Sorry if you're reading this!
It's like something heals and I feel better again, and then something more gets triggered and the next wave arrives.
Today I'm feeling bleak about the loneliness that permeates me from my childhood.
I'm starting to get out and about and that feels good because I'm doing it trying to really be present, (whereas before i'd go out and stay defended - almost as if I were just going through the motions and ticking off that I'd done it and feel no better after)
However it doesn't take much to make me feel like it's so pathetic ... spending time with people who take for granted family and belonging or who are discussing their mother cooking for 25 on Christmas day and it hits me how little I have or know of that kind of world, or of anything really.
Likewise people like that wouldn't be able to conceive of my absence or lack of comfort with people, lack of belonging.
I realised yesterday how little I think i'm entitled to really love someone or really be able to trust and relax. It's almost as if somewhere I told myself don't ever love, don't feel, don't need, don't be enough... and I don't. I don't feel it, I can't compute it, I don't get it.
Momentary connections here and there but soon lost in the mire
The concept that I could be among people who love and like me, where I could be enough without doing or saying or being something unacceptable, that life could be safe, is an alien one.
And always when I'm with people I feel like they like and want each other more than they want me. It's a wretched, shameful feeling.
I think I'm waffling. One of those days when you try to describe the bleak winds swirling within but you can't.
Sorry if you're reading this!