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Today I noticed the time. Oh yeeeeah.

Who knew. I'll never know... But I'll try to make it up to those I can.

Thank you for all you bring here, I'm so grateful. It's peaceful here  thanks for letting me join you.

Every day that I take time to look at myself properly, when I listen to the things I have said in hindsight, I'm so ashamed of myself. I just hadn't heard it before, was always rushing and avoiding dealing with that. It's useful to stare at thatif you've never looked it in the face before.

Right now in this moment, I'm the most grateful I have ever been.

Humbled and so grateful for all of your kind words.

Not sure what to write next  but I'm glad for this place. I'm going to try to keep my chin up, even on the days I feel my worst.

My first steps toward recovery are recognising how dissociative I am between all 4F states. I need to face the narcissistic part today. I recognise I've hurt myself so badly and hurt, I think everyone I know in some way. I've hurt others who are connected to people I've hurt as well. I don't recognise when I do it, but I am so ashamed of myself. I've been cold and unfeeling when it felt protective, but I've been full of emotion every time I've tried to explain what I've gone through. My defences are way too strong and the worst, the very worst has been my pride. It's taken so long to recognise it in myself, because of all the things I'd not faced that I'd done and that had been done to me. That's the part I need the most help for. I don't even hear myself when I'm in fight mode.

I wish I could apologise to everyone I've hurt but that seems impossible. I'm so sad I can't rewind and do it all again. I don't even know what I've done, I feel like such an ignorant mess  I don't know how I'm meant to pick myself up again, but I know it's worth it because I have to, because I've got a job to do looking after my family. I want to cry and cry it out now. I notice what I've done, I'm disgusted at myself. I need to balance and I'll give it time, I'll try to change 

I've been reading his book and not making sense of it. My very sincere apologies.

Thanks for helping me to this place. I feel I can try to rest now and take my own advice as well as yours. You're all very patient.

I'm having rapid eye movement in the day and my mind is somewhere else. I'm wandering through a forest searching for a little boy and screaming because I can't find him. I lost him, they tricked me and I lost him.

I always wanted to find him and accept him and apologise for what happened but it was hush hush, don't talk about it, think about it. We can't talk or think about anything now.

I've kicked myself into a frenzy. I just wanted to help myself which was wrong. I'm pleading with myself forgive yourself and all the pieces of yourself that are vulnerable.

I know defensive parts can see that, I know protective parts can see that so I'm just pleading that in the end it will calm for me and the lost one, who ever he is, wherever he is. And I hope I'll be able to get well again, because I'm owed that.

Thanks for sharing that 

Yes. The people who hurt me were hurt too. It's very difficult to distinguish what help, generosity or kindness looks like. Even when I trust someone, my mind will click into defense mode at some stage.

This thread has helped me too. I hear what we've all said and when I read it again a few times, it's reaffirming.

I'm a bit of a stumbler too, but getting my confidence back through listening from all of these different perspectives thanks

  for Kat

I had a better sleep last night (lightly medicated). I feel fresher this morning.

I hope you all find a place of rest tonight.

 

That is great rabbit, so pleased for you and your Mom. Glad to hear there is a place of mutuality for both of you 

I've noticed my inner (occasionally outer) critic is a form of defense mechanism. I am trying to warn myself away from things that have harmed me in the past. It's really difficult to back down after a lifetime of doing that, of being asked to explain myself to abusers etc.

It's horrible if our experience is to have turned this thing on the parts of ourselves that are the most vulnerable and need the most protection. For most of us, it's been about survival up to this point.

Try and use another part of yourself to take a softer approach. You are valuable and your inner child has amazing intuitive insight. There are more ways to protect yourself now you're older and these are going to be personal and specific to your experience. You are worth protecting 

We masquerade as "adults" when we're all carrying something from childhood. That part of you that feels vulnerable right now is wise and innocent - he or she can teach you a lot about the world as you saw it at a young age. I hope that's not too much - grow as you need to and in your own time.