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Messages - AphoticAtramentous

#16
General Discussion / Re: Staying alert to not feel afraid
November 27, 2017, 11:24:32 PM
Sorry to hear about that, PeTe. I can understand the want to speed up, get things done, get back to safety as soon as possible. I walk a bit faster than I need to as well, was always being told to slow down. Will you still be trying to stop yourself from walking fast and instead trying to slow down? Or is it a bit too much do you think?
#17
Sounds like a lot of anxiety in that EF, I'm sorry to hear. ^^" From my honest outside POV, I don't think she wanted to hurry because of you. When I was in school, if someone didn't like another, they wouldn't just shove them off or try to leave the room asap. Most of the time they would just talk sensibly. And honestly rarely anyone gives a crap about reputation. Students especially have a lot more stuff to think about than silly past stories. ;) I'd suggest to not think about it but as we all know, you can't really just tell someone with CPTSD to not think about it. lol I don't know what else advice to give, other than I hope you can get out of that EF soon. ^^
#18
Recovery Journals / Re: Atramentous to Vibrant
November 27, 2017, 10:25:32 AM
@Hope: Thank you a lot Hope, I really appreciate the reply. It's School Holidays soon so things are more quiet in regards to work - which means my sister is at home every day now, soon my M will be as well. Christmas is going to be so rough but I'll just try to get through it.

@Blueberry: Thanks for the kind words, Blueberry. ^^ Did you get much negativity from your FOO when you missed those weddings? One of the reasons why I want to go full no-contact with anyone in my family is because I don't want to be shunned and disowned over and over for me just looking after myself.

@San:  :hug:

@Decimal: A lot of my FOO will be there yes... FOO, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles. Ugh. But I don't think your analogy is bad or weird. Just makes me feel understood, thank you. This forum is very much a 'warm' environment and I'm thankful for it. Thank you for the reply.

I had work today and then went straight to a therapist appointment. I'm proud that I did those things in one day, got stuff done, makes me feel productive. It's the tenth T session so we had an obligatory little review of things and my T has said that I've definitely progressed a lot. Apparently when I first came in she wrote me down as having severe depression and anxiety. But today she's told me that I'm now sitting more at a kind of 'medium' depression and slightly-less severe anxiety. It kind of surprised me to hear 'severe depression'. I mean I knew I had a #$%^& mood but I didn't think it was that serious. I still have a long way to go, a lot of fears to overcome and triggers to conquer. But at least I'm making progress.
Though the one thing I don't really see myself progressing in is my identity. I still feel lost and confused about myself, I don't know who I am. I'm not sure what to do about it. I shouldn't think about it too hard right now because I'll just feel angry at myself for it.
#19
#1. I have a bunch of creative hobbies.
#2. I feel happy when I'm helping others.

And I don't have three others. lol I tried.
#20
Don't know what else to say other than offer a hug, Blueberry.  :hug:
#21
General Discussion / Re: Family reconciliation
November 27, 2017, 09:01:54 AM
That's wonderful to hear, rabbit. ^-^
#22
Very specific yes but understandable! Splinters are nasty and yeah, the thought of them being stuck... (shiver) Oof.
#23
I know how you feel there, Ah. ^^
#24
Letters of Recovery / Re: Letter to a friend
November 27, 2017, 07:49:15 AM
Well it's really nice that you can just laugh at this stuff and push the negativity aside. :) I hope to have your strength someday.
#25
Recovery Journals / Re: Atramentous to Vibrant
November 26, 2017, 10:29:05 AM
I feel slightly bad for posting so much here lately but this week has just been so rough on me. Getting EF triggers every few hours that I can't get out of because I'm still stuck in this *. I'm in an EF now but there's nothing I can do except wait. It sucks, but whatever.

My FOO has me sitting at the dining table for dinner again these days. I just sit there in silence afraid to say anything. Occasionally they ask me when I'm working and such, I just give them the direct answers and leave it at that. But every single time we get together at the table, they bring up the whole marriage ceremony I apparently need to go to in April. This is a really big stressor for me, and it hits me really hard whenever it's mentioned. Going to the marriage ceremony would be like being hit with 20 triggers at once. It's my older sister getting married with someone she's known for a few years now. I'll be honest, I don't like the idea of marriage or being tied to someone like that. My parents married and over the 10 years they were married they threatened divorce as much as they hugged. I knew a couple who got married and then literally a month later divorced. So yeah, I'm not excited. In fact when I first heard the news my heart sunk - took me a while to realise that marriage is something normal people do and actually enjoy.

But it's not just the marriage itself that triggers me, it's that the ceremony is on the other side of the country - which means I'd have to catch a flight there. I get really bad shivers just thinking of going into an airport. And the thought of sitting in a plane for hours... no no no no no thank you.
And on top of that I've been thinking, what would my FOO think when I don't show up for the wedding? Upset obviously, mad, annoyed. Nothing new. I feel guilty about it. But why should I be? They've toyed with my emotions for years, so why is it so hard for me to do the same thing back for just one day? I'm fighting myself on this so hard.

Oh, and I just remembered... maybe another reason why I despise that marriage ceremony so much is because I was in an arranged marriage once (almost, only got to the engaged part). How did I even forget that? I guess when you've gone through so much bs it starts blending in and blurring a little. If I were to write all the possible triggers for this thing, I would have written an essay. This is ridiculous.
I refuse to go, I can't go. But when I've moved out in January, this won't be an issue. I just have to keep fighting till then. Just a little longer... hang in there.
#26
Recovery Journals / Re: Snippets of my Agony
November 26, 2017, 10:07:19 AM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on November 25, 2017, 12:43:15 PM
That's some powerful writing, Aa. I also felt shaky and honestly overwhelmed myself from it. You have some real creative talent there from what I've seen.

Take care.

:hug:
Thank you kindly, Decimal. Means a lot.

Quote from: Three Roses on November 25, 2017, 05:38:33 PM
No, aa, I'm fine. Not "too" much. I'm just glad you've been able to say your truth. Hugs!  :hug:
That's good.  :hug:
#27
General Discussion / Re: A Question To The Forum
November 26, 2017, 10:04:37 AM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 24, 2017, 07:16:55 PM
a.a., i didn't mean to imply that i knew about that ef with my t right away.  all i felt at the moment was some kind of disturbance within.  it took me 5 days and some very focused thinking/remembering to figure it all out.  it wasn't till after i had it figured out that i realized what it was.

the best part about it was that i was able to figure it out, what, exactly the trigger was and where it led to in my past.  last year i was stuck in an ef for 8 mos. and was in crisis for 5 mos. of that.  i knew what the trigger was, but was never able to understand the whole of the dynamics about it.

fortunately, it finally faded.  i hope never to go thru that again.   big hug, sweetie.
I see, thanks for sharing this San. ^^ I'm glad that long ef of yours has faded as well.
#28
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: Want to be free
November 26, 2017, 10:01:28 AM
This hit me hard, Eyessoblue... really did. Thanks for sharing this. ^^
#29
Recovery Journals / Re: ch. 3 70's survival
November 26, 2017, 09:59:07 AM
Quoteit was about how all my marriages began so wonderfully, i was treated so well, told beautiful things, promised a good life, from each of them, and then all those beautiful things either faded or were broken.
I really sympathise with you there, San. ^^ How harsh it is when you're over that abuse and realise how much had changed, how things seemed so wonderful at first but then as you said, it just went away and there was nothing you could do about it. It's sad. :(
#30
Recovery Journals / Re: 3R's Path of Recovery
November 26, 2017, 09:55:32 AM
That's wonderful to hear Three Roses! :) Really happy it went alright for you.  :hug: