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Ah dear, Blueberry, I'm so sorry to hear about all this mess. :S I would be pretty furious in your position as well. Curious question, are you still friends with this person and wish to continue that relationship? Or are things kind of on edge at the moment and you're looking to get out of it all?

"I hope you finally manage to heal but I think it's very unlikely."

This struck a little string in my heart, almost exactly what someone else said to me once. "I don't think you're ever going to get better". This was coming from a 'friend', and I was severely hurt by this.  I really wish you well in all this. It sounds so difficult.

That's wonderful to hear Restful. ^-^ Great progress! 

Welcome to the forum, Aliasgrace. ^-^ I'm glad you're out of the toxic relationship and relatively safe now. Hope to hear more from you.

Hey there Lost, welcome to the forum. ^^
Not sure if I can give you the best answer on this but I can try. I stepped away from social media as I found it all too triggering as well. But I've found forums like this one, that focus on CPTSD or PTSD is very helpful. We let others know if a post we write may be triggering, adding a"trigger warning" so you can just read around it if you wish!

a.a., to me, with the progress you're making (having that time of happiness - i think it portends that there will be more of those in the future, lasting longer as you have more experience with them), doing some grieving that was enabled by a time of self-reflection,it seems that the tears you need to express will eventually come.  you just may not be ready for them yet.

they'll be there, tho, of that i have no doubt.  you're moving forward with courage and determination.  sending a big hug with more of the same, and lots of love.

I do hope I'll have more of those bouts of happiness. ^^ It was really nice.
But maybe you're right there, that I'm just 'not ready'. Thank you very much for the reply, San. You're as helpful and loving as always. 

AA, I think you're making tons of progress too.

I go through phases - sometimes very long ones - of not being able to cry. I feel tears behind my eyes, that's really what it feels like, but I can't shed any of them. Then there are short phases where tears are welling up all the time. I imagine that you will reach a point too when the tears start to come.

Here's for all those times of pain and fear and loneliness you described.

Thanks for sharing this, Blueberry! Let's hope that point where I can really just cry will come soon. I feel like I need it! Haha

I agree with the others, Aa. You are making lots of progress.

I find in myself that there was a point in grieving where the pain from memories just pile up one over the other until you need to let the tears out. It began in that feeling of a breaking point . . . until my eyes start to water and I get to the point where I'm crying with overflowing tears, moaning and snot. It's not pretty really, but it's a great relief after.

From the books I've read on this, people with trauma like us probably have contained a lot of supressed emotions over the years that need to be expressed. And that it's often healing to feel something that your younger self couldn't feel.

Take care, AA. You'll get there. You've come so far.

Thanks a bunch, Decimal. ^^ The reply is really appreciated. Honestly, I think the snottier and messier the crying is, the better it feels. Haha
Crying certainly was a very suppressed thing for me. I suddenly remember once... in Grade 10 or something, I was feeling so overwhelmed after being abused by my F that morning, I arrived at school and suddenly hugged my friend without warning, began to sob and weep hard on her shoulder. She wasn't sure what to do, just stood there kinda shocked haha, my bad. But it was nice to let myself cry like that. 

Powerful stuff. I'm feeling a little shaky after reading it, I relate to it that strongly!

Hopefully it didn't shake you up too much! ^^" Thanks for reading, Three Roses.

Hi AphoticAtramentous,
I haven't read what you wrote, as I can see that 3 Roses wrote it made her feel shaky, so I won't read it just now, as I've just calmed myself down - but I did want to say I'm really glad you're back - welcome back.   
Hope 

Thank you so much Hope. It's nice to be back.

You're really not alone with these memory issues. I have a lot of difficulty in this as well. I hardly remember anything from my childhood. :S It can be frustrating.

You just be yourself Blueberry. You don't have to be a perfect moderator. Everyone makes mistakes, moderators included. So even if you do ever make a mistake, it's perfectly okay! ^-^

Wow. Bravo!  I don't think I could ever do that! Geez, you are amazing. Haha! Well done! It's really awesome that you were able to speak up for yourself like that.

It sounds like you're in a good place now, and you deserve every second of it!
I am happy that you get to hang out with your best-friend soon, I hope it will be an amazing visit with loads of laughter, good conversations and great times. For all of your alters.

Keep up your drawing!

This site will be here if you need us, but I hope you don't 

Thank you kindly Sceal. ^^ I had a few days of uninterrupted peace which was so so nice. Now I feel more... "Back to normal", normal being just what I'm used to where I have an EF three times per week. Lol But I'm not too upset about it. I'm just glad I had that little while of happiness.

I've discovered a few things though in the past few weeks. Discoveries of my future, past, self, others. Been having EFs and my IC roars in my ears occasionally but I'm learning new triggers, and looking at it optimistically - it's all progress.
My best friend sighed earlier, and that threw me into an EF. Crazy. And so unexpected, really threw me off. But when it's all over I can analyse these things, realise why it hurt so much. I feel slightly bad for other people who have to deal with me and my emotional instability. They must have a great deal of strength and care for me if they haven't left me yet. :S

Trigger warning - emotional abuse
But I had a chance earlier to just think back and actually mourn a little. I remembered random things my FOO said and did, this time focusing on their anger and intolerance to my own emotions. My anger was not allowed, not even a slight grumble - complaining wasn't allowed. And whenever I was being screamed at, resulting in me crying - I remember my F telling me I was just crying to make him feel bad and that I should stop. He asked "Why are you crying? You have no reason to". I only cried because I was scared, because I felt so alone and hurt and in pain.
That's probably a reason as to why I don't cry as much as I should. It just feels unnatural somehow. I can shed maybe a tear or two but nothing more than that. I wish I could just... Weep and be able to express myself. I wish I could cry out, let it all out... But I can't.

Warm lights and a clean environment works wonders for me.

Sorry to hear about that stress, Hope. ^^" Take it easy. You deserve the rest and calm.

Oh Blueberry, I know exactly how you feel. My M does this especially with me all the time.
"Pick a dress to buy" "No not that one, that's ugly"
"What do you want for dinner?" "Seriously, that? Let's just have this instead"
"What do you want to do for your birthday?" "You're going to do THAT? Why?? Do this, it's way better"
You really feel like you have no choice, and that everything you want/think is best is actually wrong in some way. :\ I hope you can see past that voice in your head though and reassure yourself that the present you chose is what YOU chose, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

I couldn't read too much of this because it reminds me a lot of the preachy stuff I was fed at Church. :\
Glad it's worked for you though! ^-^ Hope it helps someone else too.

These experiences that ruin our lives are BLESSINGS

Not sure about that one. I wouldn't call my abusers a blessing, certainly not the things they've done to me as blessings either.  What a real blessing would be is for me to be a 'normal' human being, with a functioning family and a healthy lifestyle. People say 'but that's boring', I'd much rather be bored than suffering how I am now. ^^"

I would like to see the "Post" removed. For a lot of people, we still live and deal with our abusers - we're always under stress. PTSD can't really be diagnosed during the traumatic event, but CPTSD can - since it comes from multiple traumas and the cause is from a longer period of time than just a one-time event. So 'post' doesn't really make sense in that regards. Just my two cents.