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Thank you for sharing this, Deb.
A poetic reminder of my own heart, as well.

Hello! Nice to meet you! I hope you find what you came here for!

Thank you, kindly!

Pete Walker is a regularly referenced therapist and author, and talks on his website about "the 4Fs" - fight flight freeze and fawn. Here is a brief description of them (from http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm):

Habituated 4F defenses offer protection against further re-abandonment hurts by precluding the type of vulnerable relating that is prone to re-invoke childhood feelings of being attacked, unseen, and unappreciated. Fight types avoid real intimacy by unconsciously alienating others with their angry and controlling demands for the unmet childhood need of unconditional love; flight types stay perpetually busy and industrious to avoid potentially triggering interactions; freeze types hide away in their rooms and reveries; and fawn types avoid emotional investment and potential disappointment by barely showing themselves - by hiding behind their helpful personas, over-listening, over-eliciting or overdoing for the other - by giving service but never risking real self-exposure and the possibility of deeper level rejection.

These are survival/coping skills that have run amok, living on past the circumstances that caused us to have them. Most of us who've talked about it say they can see themselves in one or more of the types, some even identify with all four. The combinations are as individual as each of us.

We seem to be thrust into these roles by our Emotional Flashbacks, which are best combated by the practice of mindfulness. Here is a link to more info about flashback management - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

That's a lot of info so I'll stop there. Hope it's helpful.

Wow... thank you so much for sharing this, Three Roses. I honestly started crying whilst reading the stuff on that first link - in a good way! Just gave me an overwhelming feeling of actually being understood, that I'm not actually going crazy. I think I definitely fit into the Flight and Freeze types. I was suffering hard when I was unemployed, every day was a battle in trying to figure out how to keep myself distracted. Every time I feel my mood slipping, my thoughts going places it shouldn't, I have to find something to keep me busy - anything at all, gaming, drawing, watching TV, just SOMETHING.
Thanks again, I think I need to sit down and process all this. lol This has definitely helped.

Hello there, aGirlHasNoName (what a name! lol), pleasure to meet you. ^-^
I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through. Good luck in finding another therapist, don't be discouraged - there are plenty good ones out there.
Hope you can find some more support, here, or elsewhere. And I wish you well with your degree!

I hope you guys don't mind me resurrecting a 4 month old thread, I really like the idea of it though.

And today I achieved: Well, managing to not freak out when I noticed my purse was not in its usual spot. So easy it is to assume the worst but I just reassured myself, take deep breaths, and think rationally. I had a hunch that it was in a shopping bag from a recent trip to the store, and as my family cleaned the house recently, they probably threw it in the bin. So I went outside and looked in the garbage, repeating over and over to myself that it's going to be fine, that I'll find it and if not, then I'll figure things out. But lo and behold, sorting a few plastic bags of rubbish and filth I found my purse right at the bottom.
(wipes sweat off forehead) >.>
Hooray for not panicking! ^^"

I've been thinking about this a fair amount lately, how much 'control' has become a really big part of my day to day life. Even the most minute tasks require me to have control over them otherwise I feel extremely uncomfortable and unsafe, and it doesn't help that I'm a fairly perfectionistic individual as well.
So my question is, what sort of things do you find yourself controlling? Is it annoying? Does it aggravate other people?

For myself, I find I make a lot of lists, planning schedules and keeping my days as close-to-routine as possible. I freak out when somebody suddenly requires me to do something for them that was unplanned, that I haven't had time to think about and process. This unfortunately really affects my job, as it's shift work there's times I get called in to fill in for someone and the uneasiness and anxiety that I feel is such a headache. Even when I'm playing a video game or something that is meant to be casual, something fun, I play on the easiest difficulty, with cheats enabled and I have the habit of saving my game literally every 5 minutes. I just feel so overly paranoid over everything and controlling things is one of the things that make me feel at ease.
These are all kind of nuisances but I have to say that on the plus side it has made me much more organised. At the start of Grade 11 I vowed to myself that I would work on things as I get them, leave nothing undone, to not procrastinate and 'control' every task to be done. It wasn't even hard honestly, I didn't hand in a SINGLE late assignment during Grade 11 and 12. So that's nice.

Would be interested to hear from you guys what you experience with this specific symptom.

[Trigger Warning Start]

I'm glad I found this thread, I have definitely had my fair share of eating problems.

Trigger Warning Start
This is more physical than psychological but growing up, I always had a lack of food. What I was given was all I got, doesn't matter if I was still hungry. Thus according to my doctor and dietitian, my stomach 'shrunk' and thus I get full very quickly when eating. My parents took me to a dietitian to try and get me to eat more, which is where I was recommended to eat 5 small meals a day, rather than the 2 large meals a day I was getting. Well that was too much work for my parents lol So that never happened.
Trigger Warning End

I'm about 45kg's (99lbs) and I just have 0 appetite.

It is almost 5pm here now, and I haven't eaten. I am not deliberately, consciously doing it to keep slim or anything like that. That is the problem, I'm not consciously doing it. It's automatic. I can't remember to eat. I don't feel hunger. I'm not interested in food. I don't enjoy food. I hate having to cook and clean up after it. I might be restricting food to stay slim, I don't know! Could be anything.

Pretty much this ^ 100%. And cooking is such a scary thought for me, so many things could go wrong... eehhh... >.>
I can't tell if my lack of eating is simply because my stomach is just... small... or if my CPTSD does in fact contribute to it. Who knows.

This is quite nice, Kat. Thanks for posting this. The first stanza really speaks to me.

[totally]

It's brilliant, makes me chuckle every time I see it as I hear it in my head.

I'm glad.

Hi AphoticAtrementous 
It's always good to see someone else who reaches down and somehow finds their own voice. I noticed this statement of yours: "I've had people tell me that I'm too young to have experienced trauma". Really? For me, and I'm sure I'm not unique here, I experienced trauma before I had words for it, but my little heart still knew it was yucky and scary.

Regarding your endnote of 'nervous laughter' I loved your explanation of it, where you said: "...it represents a kind of carefree attitude I aspire to, where I'm laughing instead of having a mental breakdown." Yes, yes, and yes; and remember, laughter and tears ride very close in our emotional anatomies; flip sides of the same coin.

Hope you can find the encouragement here that you are lacking elsewhere. And that you'll always be able to access that inner humourist.

Hey Woodsgnome, thank you for the welcome and the kind words.
Unfortunately yes though, I've had a fair amount of people who accused me of overreacting and telling me my 'trauma' is nothing because age totally equates to experience, sure. (rolls eyes)
It feels almost as if this whole CPTSD thing has just about kicked me into adulthood or at least maturity. I've really struggled befriending people my age, just don't really feel I can relate to them. I always end up befriending those older than me, who may share the same or similar experiences and troubles. I remember all the times I was dragged into going to Youth group and literally every time I went I would sit in the same corner and watch everyone thinking; "How the heck do these kids have so much energy and happiness?" lol

I'm glad you like the signature too though. Whilst I will argue laughter being the best medicine, it still does help. Humour is a good distraction, I find.

A daily blessing to me, too, AphoticAtramentous.  My career was as an editor of newspapers and magazines, which is a Job That Could Drive You Mad. What I've learned here is how NOT to keep cleaning up my own posts. 

You're going to fit right in here.  What took you so long? 

Thank you, Candid. ^-^ I'm really hoping I'll fit in.

Welcome! I love your signature. (nervous laughter)

Hehe, I'm glad! It's not inspiring or any sort of helpful advice like a bunch of other members have as their signature, but for me I mean -  it represents a kind of carefree attitude I aspire to, where I'm laughing instead of having a mental breakdown. lol

These are really good! I'm always impressed by people who can use simple lines to create depth, shading, and shape...

[>Trigger warning by the way, I'll try not to be too detailed though.<]

Greetings, forum goers. New to this place, kinda just hoping to meet some new people since I'm a little lacking in the friends department. >.>

>Trigger warning by the way, I'll try not to be too detailed though.<

I'm probably going to be one of the more younger members here (and a HSP even), which can be rather frustrating sometimes. Countless times I've had people tell me that I'm too young to have experienced trauma, people that I called 'friends' who told me I was an inexperienced child. It hurts to say the least. My parents are I suppose emotionally abusive, yelling and screaming at me for literally spilling milk, telling me I'm not allowed to cry, not allowed to feel, not allowed to explain or justify myself, because simply "I must do what my elders tell me to do without question". That immediately started my 'bottling emotions up' habit which has doomed me ever since. I got into an emotionally abusive relationship, leading to rape, and my parents had me get engaged with him. Honestly I can't even remember how I managed to get out of that situation.

That all left me in a very fragile state and I only had one close friend I could freely talk to, though it was an online friendship kind of thing. I was stupid enough to try and visit him in person, taking an international flight just so I could finally get away from my family for even just a few weeks. Well I ended up getting denied entry. I was stowed away in an empty bland room for who knows how long, not allowed to contact anyone, not even allowed to know the time, then I was interrogated by a man telling me falsely that my only true friend was a lie and that he never cared about me. I was sent back, my most valuable private belongings taken to be used in police investigations, and told I was never allowed to speak to my best friend again. Well, I mean, screw that, lol I still talk to him in secret. He's the only friend keeping me sane these days.

Anyway, it's only recently I've been seeing a therapist behind my parents' backs. The sessions are really helping me to find my way though. I suffer from anxiety, depression, emptiness, nightmares, hallucinations, the whole deal - and from all that's happened, I've basically turned into a very controlling perfectionistic individual. I find it extremely hard to relax and I just dream for the day that I will return to the me I used to be, a bubbly enthusiastic optimistic person.

Moving away from the negative stuff though, I have a multitude of hobbies that I participate in to keep me at ease; drawing, piano playing, programming, modelling, writing, music composing, the list goes on... there are so many things in my head, so much stress and fear, and my hobbies help to keep me distracted from the outside world. I've even essentially made my own little fantasy world that I regularly think about, of its scenery, landscape, all the characters I've created. It's soothing.


So yeah, hope to meet a few new people, hope this wasn't all too long!
Oh and by the way, thank you to the mods and admins that decided to let members be able to edit their posts. For a controlling * like me, it's like ice water on a 45 Celsius day.