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Messages - Andyman73

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16
San, it's beyond belief....almost as if taken from a screenplay for the "Twilight Zone" or the "Outer Limits" tv shows.  Or that new show "American Horror Story".  It frightens me to think I came so very very close to becoming one of his mind controlled trafficked child sex slaves. What I suffered was bad enough, but this probably would have devastated my parents beyond imagine.
I told them today, during a quiet private conversation, about all of this. My Dad was looking out the window with tears in his eyes, as he was listening. My Mom was very attentive. And when I explained the link between that evil person and the teen boy, it made perfect sense to her.  And that also makes perfect sense why their boss at the daycare told her and her coworkers that there was nothing they could do about the boy.  She asked me what or how I think I may have seen him...the bad man...and I said I saw him at the daycare, checking up on his protege. Who, I believe, was one of his earliest child victims.
If you could say maybe he sold his soul to satan....yeah, he sure did.

I'm so glad to have you with me, sister of my heart. That give me such great comfort. Your warm thoughts and love help carry me through the darkest  moments. You truly are a treasure that I hold most dear.  :hug:

Some believe God has abandoned us in our darkest hours...but I believe we have survived and are here now in our recovery journeys because of Him. In my life there were so many chances for me to have been killed or worse, by my abusers, yet I was not. To me, that is His grace and protection over my life. And I'm here with you, sharing my gift of loving compassion and kindness.
San, you are doing more than I could ever ask by being here with me. You are such a wonderful blessing.  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

17
Recovery Journals / Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« on: September 16, 2018, 05:33:58 PM »
San,
My darling sister, I have missed you. Things have been quite heavy for me these past few weeks. With new realizations and my grandmother illness and passing. I did start a new thread yesterday involving one of the new issues I'm struggling with.
I hope you've been as well as you can be. Which is what any of us could hope for.
Sending you lots and lots of love and hugs.  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

18
Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: September 16, 2018, 05:28:53 PM »
Yes I agree San today I'm more comfortable with that decision, thanks.
It's good to be reassured as I always doubt myself so much.
Hi Andyman
The CBD oil I have is equal parts CBD/THC it has been a tremendous help to me, it helps with anxiety heaps but that's the CBD don't use street pot as pot with no CBD exacerbates anxiety and makes some people quite paranoid. When I take it I find I can think thru my anxieties and there causes and make connections my conscience brain won't normally allow. I sleep much better.
I did a lot of research about it and discovered the benefit
It has allowed my recovery to go much quicker I am a big advocate
I have very similar problems with Drs.
It is a proven benefit to PTSD, though a friend I know who is a veteran didn't cope with it as he said it gave him tinitus ( ringing in his ears ) so who knows,  everyone is different.
Anxiety is so debilitating I hope you find a way to help deal with it  :yes:
Hi WB,
Thank you for sharing your experience with CBDs, I'm planning on trying some myself, in the very near future. I'm hoping it will allow me to be much more grounded and get better rest when sleeping.

19
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
« on: September 16, 2018, 05:25:14 PM »
BlueBerry,

Here supporting and believing in you.

Andrew

20
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope66's Journal
« on: September 16, 2018, 05:22:55 PM »
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :party: :waveline: :fireworks:

Hi Hope! Sending lots of hugs and love your way!

21
eventual healing is my goal. 

   :hug: to you Andy, and hope you are ok.   
Hope  :)
Hi Hope  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
I'm doing okay. My grandma was ill and dying, she passed on Tuesday the 28th of August. So, I've  been preoccupied with that. Also dealing with some new issues, too. Been a bit intense lately. Thank you so much for checking up on me.
 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

22
When I was 6 years old, I drew/colored a picture of the devil in a Military officer's uniform. I have no idea where that image came from. Even now I can only see it on the paper I colored it on. It's not in my memory. And I don't know who really carries it..perhaps little andy. However it wasn't him that colored it...cuz the work was more on 6yr old level instead of 3.

It got me in trouble at school...we were having free drawing time,  but we must draw something, not color in coloring books. So I drew him. I was attending a private Christian school at the time...so you can imagine that my image caused quite a stir. Got in trouble there and they had meeting with my parents...got in trouble at home too.  Which got me a beeting.

Off and on over the years I had heard or read reference to MK Ultra, and other MK programs. Book and Movie character Jason Bourne is a product of the MK programs. Some of the programs were designed to make assassins for the CIA. Just like Jason Bourne.  Another construct of the MK programs is "The Manchurian Candidate".

Other programs...not so much. MK Ultra was designed to gain power over powerful people...through sex....specifically with children...and as they grew up...teens. Which then could be used to blackmail these powerful people...members of Congress and the Senate, here in the U.S., and members of other governments too.

A few weeks ago I had a profoundly shocking experience. The MK programs were run, initially by the OSS...the precurser of the CIA. Starting in the late 30s. In 1939 the OSS recruited my Grandfather to join their agency.  Due to his college and profession of being a commercial airline pilot, they brought him in at the rank of full Colonel....he was 29 years old. But he was someone they wanted badly enough. See, grandpa had an engineering degree and a photographic memory. Which made him a perfect candidate to be an operator.

All Dad knows is that Grandpa reported to only 2 people...both generals, one ours and one, an ally. Not even the President was in his chain of command. He had orders to shoot anyone who questioned him, while he was "working". And he traveled extensively throughout Europe. And carried a briefcase handcuffed to his non-shooting wrist.

I remembered Dad showing me his Dad's tax papers and stuff...which showed his Dept. of Gov't being OSS, and the division being TS. Technical Services...which ran the MK programs.

Some how, some way, my Dad's Dad, Grandpa...was involved with the MK programs.  I sure hope it was the ones involved in making these automaton assassins and not the child sex programs.

When I was not yet 3, I was raped and assaulted by both a grown man, a soldier my Dad worked with, and a teenage boy at the nursery/daycare I went to. This was in 1976. My Dad was stationed in Germany at the time.

The second part of my shocking experience the other week...I was scrollling through my Twitter feed and saw some posts by one I follow, refering to MK ULtra and a few people by name. I followed the trail to the OP of those tweets...and saw a picture.  :aaauuugh: :spooked: :fallingbricks: :stars: ??? :'(

It was the man...the devil in Military officer's uniform!!!!!

He's still alive today. He has been cited in numerous accounts of satanic rituals, churches and so on. Even started his own church. He was bffs with the founder of the "church of satan".  He traveled in mysterious secretive circles, even as he served in his official capacity of his uniform. As early as 1982-3 he was first accused of being involved in child sex/kidnapping rings. At last count, over 400 children, completely unrelated to each other, except through this devil in uniform, have fingered him as their main abuser.

How do I fit into all this??? His primary source of children....

The nursery/daycares on U.S. Military Bases!!! Which is where I was when was exposed to him. I believe the teenage boy was one of his proteges.  The daycare was forced to hire him on direct orders from above...against recommendations of the employees for the safety of the little children. My mom said she(worked there, which is why me and my brothers went)and the other ladies said they felt very uneasy around the boy. Boss told them that they have no choice but hire him.

This is only the number who reported or identified him. Some adult survivors have, as well. Not only has he denied everything, he even claims that it's a huge widespread witchhunt to discredit him.  However, he has no answer for all the physical evidence of some of the cliams against him....namely satan worship and such. There are plenty of pictures of him with the head of the church of satan and certain Hollywood Icons. He started his own church, for goodness sakes!!!

His main official job was Psyops...psychological operations...he had learned how to specifically abuse little children to cause their minds to fracture. He then would program these "others" into mindless sex bots. The main host personality would have no memory of what was being done to them. AS they grew up, their programmed others would be used in more devious ways towards their clients. Ultimately these others became programmed into "Manchurian Candidates" to carry out assassinations and such.

All of the MK programs were "officially" canceled by the end of the 70s. Yet references have made it into mainstream media/entertainment in the past 15-20 years. Even more recently as the past few years, MK Ultra has popped up in hit songs and tv shows. So... why is that??? Perhaps MK Ultra is still in play, "unofficially".



23
Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: August 26, 2018, 12:08:09 AM »
WB,
Have you found the CBD oils to help with mental health also? I'm not sure what you said previously. I do know there are studies with Veterans and PTSD and how mj and cbd oils can help.  I'm always so so anxious to try something new that would benefit my health. Even telling my dr about something takes months and months.

I agree with Sweet San...each of us is on our own time schedule.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

24
Recovery Journals / Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« on: August 25, 2018, 11:59:22 PM »
Oh San, I get it soooo much, I really  do!!! I have not once ever been in a relationship where there was a lot of loving touches like hugs and stuff. So I do get a little jelly when I see others who do have that.
I would love to have that. Maybe some day...
 :hug: :hug: :hug:

25
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope66's Journal
« on: August 25, 2018, 11:39:43 PM »
Hi Hope,
 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

I hope you been as well as you can be.  Things have gotten much more interesting for me...and not in a good way. Will post in my journal, about it, soon.

Andy

26
Thank you so much BeHea1thy.  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Yeah...eventual healing is my goal. Even just getting out of it alive works too!  :bigwink:
 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

27
Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: August 17, 2018, 09:31:46 PM »
Hi WB,

Hope you are feeling better from the other day. I really should try that CBD oils too...I knnow it would do me wonders.

Birdie in the house huh? That's always a bit of fun, eh?

28
Just remembered somethig I wanted to share...

The other day I was speaking with my dad, whilst my mom was away...not sure how we got to it, but he told me that my mom was taking sedatives, back in the mid-late 70s...when I was little. I didn't say anything, but he said that those years were super super hard on her.


TRIGGER WARNING!!!








This confirmed for me a memory I have I her drugging me so I would sleep with out screaming nightmares. I remember her forcing it in me....supository....I was about 3. Also remember being completely naked too. This was an adult sized sedative...too big for little andy to swallow. I remember it hurt too. Then things got fuzzy and was no more. I think maybe I slept for a day or two. Or three. Seems a big blank for a while. That would have been an overdose for sure!!! Thanks mommy.  :'( ??? :'(

29
Recovery Journals / Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« on: August 17, 2018, 09:14:03 PM »
Dearest San,
Been a while. Sorry for my absence. Found out, right after last I was here, that my grandma is dying. End stage liver disease AND liver cancer(both), and a few other things too. Doctors gave her 2 months...which would be end of September. And if so, she'll be 89 on Sept, 10th. (9/10). 

This has thrown me for a loop! Not so much her impending passing, as much as how it's effecting everything within me. So I been all out of sorts lately. IT's been making me dissociate a lot...and everything seems to be distracting me at every turn. Almost like keeping me away from here...could even be a bit of a defense mechanism?

Hope you continue regaining your rest and strenght, my dearest Freind.

Lots of love and hugs for you :hug: :bighug: :hug:

30
Pheobes,

Thank you so so much for being upset on my behalf. That's still a strange concept for me...that others would be upset for me.

Yeah, I agree with you...as far as other kids who got the occaisional backside correctional action, versus us who lived that as a sometimes more than once a day experience. I can't say if those who only got it on the rare occaision....well....can't say, so not gonna speculate either.  Think that as much as the physical does effect us...even those that got the occaisional...I think what the parent was doing ... facial expressions anger and all that stuff.  Were they angry...or totally out of control....you know?

Okay, sooooo what made me remember my trauma....I had a mandatory work training about reporting and preventing sexual assault. And it didn't do anything at the time of doing the training....but 3 days later at 2am, it hit me like a bomb going off in my head! I remembered being SA at age 20/21 by a male predator. While it wasn't overly horrifying physically, the emotional and mental trauma was.  Took another 6 -7 weeks before I got more memories back....and they didn't hit as hard...and most of them came while I was awake.  It probably was 4-5 months later that I remembered my physical child abuse. Been 18 months now....since January 22nd, 2017...and I'm still getting memories back....not as often though. Going back 43 years to age 2.

I'm very sure she will remember...but may take years....not sure how old she is...I was 43 when I started gettng my memories back. But..I had been living with CPTSD pretty much all my life...and it became recognizable to myself back in 1994.  I never ever imagined it would be what it turned out to be.  If I were to count each individual incident as 1 each...then I'm looking at thousands of incidents of abuse over 43 years.   :aaauuugh: :fallingbricks: :stars: ??? :'( :'( :'(


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