Messages

San,
My darling sister, I have missed you. Things have been quite heavy for me these past few weeks. With new realizations and my grandmother illness and passing. I did start a new thread yesterday involving one of the new issues I'm struggling with.
I hope you've been as well as you can be. Which is what any of us could hope for.
Sending you lots and lots of love and hugs. 

Yes I agree San today I'm more comfortable with that decision, thanks.
It's good to be reassured as I always doubt myself so much.
Hi Andyman
The CBD oil I have is equal parts CBD/THC it has been a tremendous help to me, it helps with anxiety heaps but that's the CBD don't use street pot as pot with no CBD exacerbates anxiety and makes some people quite paranoid. When I take it I find I can think thru my anxieties and there causes and make connections my conscience brain won't normally allow. I sleep much better.
I did a lot of research about it and discovered the benefit
It has allowed my recovery to go much quicker I am a big advocate
I have very similar problems with Drs.
It is a proven benefit to PTSD, though a friend I know who is a veteran didn't cope with it as he said it gave him tinitus ( ringing in his ears ) so who knows,  everyone is different.
Anxiety is so debilitating I hope you find a way to help deal with it 

Hi WB,
Thank you for sharing your experience with CBDs, I'm planning on trying some myself, in the very near future. I'm hoping it will allow me to be much more grounded and get better rest when sleeping.

BlueBerry,

Here supporting and believing in you.

Andrew

 

Hi Hope! Sending lots of hugs and love your way!

eventual healing is my goal. 

    to you Andy, and hope you are ok.   
Hope 

Hi Hope 
I'm doing okay. My grandma was ill and dying, she passed on Tuesday the 28th of August. So, I've  been preoccupied with that. Also dealing with some new issues, too. Been a bit intense lately. Thank you so much for checking up on me.

WB,
Have you found the CBD oils to help with mental health also? I'm not sure what you said previously. I do know there are studies with Veterans and PTSD and how mj and cbd oils can help.  I'm always so so anxious to try something new that would benefit my health. Even telling my dr about something takes months and months.

I agree with Sweet San...each of us is on our own time schedule. 

Oh San, I get it soooo much, I really  do!!! I have not once ever been in a relationship where there was a lot of loving touches like hugs and stuff. So I do get a little jelly when I see others who do have that.
I would love to have that. Maybe some day...

Hi Hope,


I hope you been as well as you can be.  Things have gotten much more interesting for me...and not in a good way. Will post in my journal, about it, soon.

Andy

Thank you so much BeHea1thy. 
Yeah...eventual healing is my goal. Even just getting out of it alive works too! 

Hi WB,

Hope you are feeling better from the other day. I really should try that CBD oils too...I knnow it would do me wonders.

Birdie in the house huh? That's always a bit of fun, eh?

Just remembered somethig I wanted to share...

The other day I was speaking with my dad, whilst my mom was away...not sure how we got to it, but he told me that my mom was taking sedatives, back in the mid-late 70s...when I was little. I didn't say anything, but he said that those years were super super hard on her.


TRIGGER WARNING!!!








This confirmed for me a memory I have I her drugging me so I would sleep with out screaming nightmares. I remember her forcing it in me....supository....I was about 3. Also remember being completely naked too. This was an adult sized sedative...too big for little andy to swallow. I remember it hurt too. Then things got fuzzy and was no more. I think maybe I slept for a day or two. Or three. Seems a big blank for a while. That would have been an overdose for sure!!! Thanks mommy. 

Dearest San,
Been a while. Sorry for my absence. Found out, right after last I was here, that my grandma is dying. End stage liver disease AND liver cancer(both), and a few other things too. Doctors gave her 2 months...which would be end of September. And if so, she'll be 89 on Sept, 10th. (9/10). 

This has thrown me for a loop! Not so much her impending passing, as much as how it's effecting everything within me. So I been all out of sorts lately. IT's been making me dissociate a lot...and everything seems to be distracting me at every turn. Almost like keeping me away from here...could even be a bit of a defense mechanism?

Hope you continue regaining your rest and strenght, my dearest Freind.

Lots of love and hugs for you

Pheobes,

Thank you so so much for being upset on my behalf. That's still a strange concept for me...that others would be upset for me.

Yeah, I agree with you...as far as other kids who got the occaisional backside correctional action, versus us who lived that as a sometimes more than once a day experience. I can't say if those who only got it on the rare occaision....well....can't say, so not gonna speculate either.  Think that as much as the physical does effect us...even those that got the occaisional...I think what the parent was doing ... facial expressions anger and all that stuff.  Were they angry...or totally out of control....you know?

Okay, sooooo what made me remember my trauma....I had a mandatory work training about reporting and preventing sexual assault. And it didn't do anything at the time of doing the training....but 3 days later at 2am, it hit me like a bomb going off in my head! I remembered being SA at age 20/21 by a male predator. While it wasn't overly horrifying physically, the emotional and mental trauma was.  Took another 6 -7 weeks before I got more memories back....and they didn't hit as hard...and most of them came while I was awake.  It probably was 4-5 months later that I remembered my physical child abuse. Been 18 months now....since January 22nd, 2017...and I'm still getting memories back....not as often though. Going back 43 years to age 2.

I'm very sure she will remember...but may take years....not sure how old she is...I was 43 when I started gettng my memories back. But..I had been living with CPTSD pretty much all my life...and it became recognizable to myself back in 1994.  I never ever imagined it would be what it turned out to be.  If I were to count each individual incident as 1 each...then I'm looking at thousands of incidents of abuse over 43 years.   

Thanks, Andyman,
Sorry for that possibly triggering rant. I appreciate your words, and I am enjoying it! I usually do, but it's coupled with triggers and insecurities. At least it's a modality to work on these things, and I wind up having fun anyway.

This summer I intended to absorb myself in doing art and creative things, and it's wound up bringing up a lot of stuff and being a time of writing and getting stuff out. I guess that's a good use of time, but I hope to get through it to the point of focusing more on creative pursuits.

Rant was fine, Pheobes. Most of time I can handle rants. Just when they touch on experiences that mirror mine...can trigger me. I hope your creative endeavors reward you!

  :hug :bighu

Hi Hope!!! I'm way behind, so I hope these hugs help get me caught up.  Miss you lots. I do try to be more present, but somehow it's not working out like I want.  But that's okay....this is a super marathon...and I have all the rest of my life to get there.