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Messages - Andyman73

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31
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Witholding opportunities
« on: August 17, 2018, 07:11:42 PM »
Thanks, Andyman,
Sorry for that possibly triggering rant. I appreciate your words, and I am enjoying it! I usually do, but it's coupled with triggers and insecurities. At least it's a modality to work on these things, and I wind up having fun anyway.

This summer I intended to absorb myself in doing art and creative things, and it's wound up bringing up a lot of stuff and being a time of writing and getting stuff out. I guess that's a good use of time, but I hope to get through it to the point of focusing more on creative pursuits.

Rant was fine, Pheobes. Most of time I can handle rants. Just when they touch on experiences that mirror mine...can trigger me. I hope your creative endeavors reward you!

32
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope66's Journal
« on: August 17, 2018, 07:02:28 PM »
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighu

Hi Hope!!! I'm way behind, so I hope these hugs help get me caught up.  Miss you lots. I do try to be more present, but somehow it's not working out like I want.  But that's okay....this is a super marathon...and I have all the rest of my life to get there.  :)

33
Hi Hope!!!
 :bighug:

I'm okay. Things been real hard. My last Grandma is dying...she has end stage liver disease AND cancer of liver, or on her liver...among several other health issues. Been about 3-4 weeks now. There are no treatment options for her, as she is too weak and any of them would actually push her to her grave faster than her illnesses already are. At that time they gave her 2 months....and we're nearly out of the first month. So....she most likely won't make October.

And as for myself....everyday is a struggle...just to survive it all. BUT!!!!!! But got good news!!! Am now back in near daily contact with my special friend!!!  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

I sure hope you doing okay, too :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

34
Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: July 30, 2018, 07:03:35 PM »
Hello again, Wattlebird.
I certainly get about not crying and holding stuff in. I've done that for the past 2 decades. I'm only now learning it's okay to cry. Which has been happening off and on, in the past 18 months.  But even so, I usually hide when I cry.

As for fear of others finding things out...yeah...got lots of that. Mostly cuz I don't want to face folks asking questions. It's hard enough dealing with that in relation to leaving my abusive wife...which most only know the good side of her. So, to the few that have asked so far, I just tell them that I have PTSD and it made things too difficult between us. So...I even take the blame for our marriage ending. I know if I say anything different, she'll hear back from them and will then cause me problems. Especially since our divorce isn't finalized yet. I am okay with letting them believe what they will.  For me, it's a lot less hurtful this way.

35
Recovery Journals / Re: Justin's CPTSD Recovery Journal Start 7/24/18
« on: July 30, 2018, 06:36:15 PM »
Justin, hey man, CPTSD isn't your destiny. Just a scar to carry along the journey to your destiny. I do hope you meet a lovely lady who has the depth of compassion and kindness you need. And that y'all will build a wonderful future together.

I also hope your business takes off and is successful and provides more than enough financial security for your whole life.

36
Recovery Journals / Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« on: July 30, 2018, 06:31:51 PM »
Hellllooooooooo San!!!  :heythere: :wave: ;D :hug:
As for being needy...one thing you don't need...is having to worry about if you say something that might set "mr" off again.  Nobody needs that worry in their lives, at all. I know he seems wonderful and all...but there was that explosive outburst.
You are such an amazing and wonderful lady...and you deserve a man who will give you all the space you need, to be you, all of you, and love you unconditionally.
After 21 years of my abusive wife...I know I wouldn't be able to handle another who has any kind of tendencies towards abuse. I am just not strong enough for that anymore.

It's human to need loving kind interaction with someone special, who makes you feel special. WE all need and want that. You certainly deserve that! And I know your d wants you to be loved and cared for by a man who loves you with his whole being.  You are worthy!

37
DR, I still see those dark flits. I've seen them for as long as I can remember. And while I'm not afraid of the dark...I, like author Stephen King, am more afraid of what's in the dark.
I think, perhaps, it's more normal for kids who've been traumatized, to see these things, than those who weren't.  But then again, I also have lots of lost time episodes and deja vu too.

38
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: "not bad enough"? - probably triggering
« on: July 30, 2018, 04:53:59 PM »
RobinSystem, Hi, I know this thread has kinda gone cold and stale, but I just saw it and wanted to breathe a little life into it. I am as far removed from mental health professionals as one can be, besides being a patient. The main differences between CPTST and PTSD is that PTSD is usually due to short term or singular events. And CPTSD comes from long term events...so what you have discribed would most certainly get you the "C" with your PTSD.

Pretty much anyone who has experienced any kind of regular abuse during childhood, or DV in a relationship as an adult, will have CPTSD. Some of the most obvious symptoms we can see in ourselves, are things like difficulty maintaining or even forming friendships, or meaningful relationships with others. And things of that nature. People that suffer PTSD from combat or say a house fire or car wreck, aren't likely to develope those kinds of symptoms.

But CPTSD sufferers experienced things that injured, or even destroyed, our abilities to trust and connect with others. Constantly being abandoned by the one who should have loved you the most, would definitely qualify. As one said here, most of us diagnose ourselves...yes, because most professionals in the mental health industry don't know or understand what CPTSD is. And only a few take the initiative to educate themselves, to be a better source of help for their patients.

San....let me tell you...You are Georgious!!!  :hug:

39
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Feeling rejected
« on: July 30, 2018, 04:39:52 PM »
Gromit,
After being away from FB for 8-9 years due to wife forcing me off, I rejoined. But only for a specific survivor's group. I have all my options set on most limited choices...I don't need soon to be exwife spying on me through that. I have not accepted any friendrequests that aren't from that specific group...which is based in Ireland...and I'm U.S.

40
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Witholding opportunities
« on: July 30, 2018, 04:35:35 PM »
Pheobes, I hope you really enjoying time with your musical group. You deserve to have the best time and most fun ever!!!

41
Hi Andyman73, thank you so much for your kind words - they bought many tears and really touched me - I hope you also know that you are wonderful and  that you have made a new person feel very welcome and safe, thank you :)
And Jdog, I'm so sorry your father treated you so horribly, my father also wanted a boy and was very disappointed to see I was a girl. He was present in the delivery room and has told me (''jokingly'') of his disappointment at that time. He also couldn't deal with his job stress and drank heavily and was angry/abusive throughout my childhood. I'm 38 now and they are still alive, I wonder also how I will feel when they pass away. Take good care and I hope you know that you deserved so much better.
Hi Stepone  :wave: :heythere: You're quite welcome!
Ya makin me blush!  ;D Thank you for saying that. I know how hard it is to feel belonging anywhere. As most of us do, I'm sure. For me, it was a huge struggle to even feel worthy of any online survivor community. One thing I do to help myself, is to warmly welcome new members whenever I can. We all need to stick together. Nobody knows like we know. I'm honored to have made you feel welcomed and safe.  ;D


42
Hi Stepone,
Firstly, you never ever were ugly or horrible, not then and not now. Okay? You are beautiful. And wonderful. And worthy. And deserving. As are we all. Yes, I understand you don't feel it. Most of us here don't either. Takes a long time to get there.  Here you will  be welcomed and accepted as you are. WE're all friends here.

43
Hi Hope,
Thanks. Still, I worry for her.  Thank you so much for checking on me. I really appreciate that.  :hug:

44
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope66's Journal
« on: July 24, 2018, 06:42:02 PM »
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Don't know if you needed any at this moment, Hope, but here's some extras for you.

45
Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: July 20, 2018, 11:31:56 PM »
Glad hear that at least when stoned, you have a chance for some clear headed thinking and reflection.

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