Messages

Sanmagic7
Thank you for the hugs.

3🌹🌹🌹,
Wow, nobody ever reacted like that to anything I ever posted.
My CPA didn't start till about 3 years later, getting csa at age 5 triggered mommy dearest....who beat me 4-5 times a week for the next 6 years.  The stuff before and after my 3rd b-day....csa/r. The beatings were so numerous and frequent that by time I was 6 years old they just ran together. Never had to worry about remembering....next one was happening already. Still don't remember them actually happening. Really quickly I dissociated during them. I have no recollection of any single event. From time to time I feel the impacts, or I hear the sounds. But haven't remembered how mommy looked when she hitting me. No face no sound...like mannequin.

Make Andy so sad.  Him not know abuse. Him think him good boy. Mommy think him bad...say " beat that sin out and good in". Andy never know what mommy means. What sin? What beat out mean?
Him not know why brothers got no hits. Why him get only all hits? How Andy so bad??? What Andy do??? Hims so so naughty, hims let bad man hurt him, and hims let bad big boy hurts him too. Maybe mommy not hurts enough? Maybe him let mommy break him, then mommy be happy not hurt no more.

LauraC,
While my actual experiences differ, the types of experiences don't...execept mine have continued into adulthood and my DV abusive marriage to my CN wife.
While I won't share my experiences just now, I do want to touch on that one glaring statistic. One hundred views with only 5 replies.  Because of my own abandonment/separation issues, that one really effects me. I know the problem is all mine. People aren't avoiding me, well, at least I hope most aren't. On another site I have gone back and deleted posts that got no response or views after a few days. It's bad enough my abuse has made me invisible IRL, but it really hurts when I'm online in a community for survivors like me, or Veterans like me, or here. Now I know I'm very new here, and in that, haven't been orgnored or passed over yet.

Now here's something specific for you to ponder for a moment. Many of the viewers are genuinely interested, but once they visit, some can't relate, some are triggered, and some just aren't in a place to respond even though they do relate.  You and I have some similarities, CSA and CPA. However I have adult SA and PA as well. And I've been in a DV relationship for over 20 years, married over 18 years.

I do try to respond to those who engage me, especially because beyond t, I have no other support IRL.

Don't know that I have abandonment depression, mostly because I never knew there was such a thing. Helliepig, I see you, and I hear you. 

My earliest experience with abandonment also included the first ever and perhaps only time I was ever separated from my twin brother for babysitting type care. I wasn't even 3 years old. The icing on that tasty cake was csa/r by grown man multiple times over the 4.5 days I was in his care.  That gravy train hasn't stopped yet, 41 years later.

I am so so sorry for all you've been through and continues to experience at the hands of your family.

You derserved absolutely None of that.

None of my memories were stuffed away by me. They all disappeared as they were formed. I never really had a sense of something had happened to me.  In 2nd grade the most popular girl in class told me that she didn't like me because there was something wrong with me, and I was too weird. So before my 8th birthday I knew I was not like most other kids. But what that really meant...I had no clue.

It's hard to think this isn't my destiny, when it always has been.  And while still in my DV marriage w/abusive wife...it's really hard to think otherwise, as well.

Sanmagic7,
Can't really tell VA t about my life before I joined the Marines. Could give them cause to reverse and deny my service connected disability rating for ptsd. If you aren't really sure, all those scandals about the VA are in fact true.
Having said that, I do have a t outside of the VA. Been seeing her only a month now. She already has seen enough to know that I'm not a simple case of ptsd. Told me at last session that we really need to work to get me to a place where I can't be sa again. Said I'm in the highest risk bracket to be sa again, without living an at-risk life style.
🤗 Hugs are always welcome with me.  Thanks.

Just started t. Only official DX is from the VA as ptsd due to personal trauma(MST). However that does not take into account my childhood cpa/csa/r and bullying and many forms of childhood dv abuse. And little account for the ongoing DV abuse from wife that stretches over 20 years.

Kizzie,
New is relative, I started remembering on January 23rd, of this year.  My earliest  remembered memories are from around right before my 3rd birthday, possibly a few weeks before. So, still 2 years old.  And the newest memory is from less than 2 years after that time. About 4-5 months before my 5th birthday. That one involves a lot of secondary trauma or transferred trauma.  It has caused me to have nightmares.

In the past 7 months or so, I've remembered so much that it feels like I've been living a double life.  And having spent the past 20 years in a DV abusive relationship(18 years married), has been incredibly rough on me.  But to know now, that this was always meant to be. That I am not who I thought I was. But to know that whipping boy is my purpose in life. 

I understand now, why my t told me we really need to work very very hard to get me to a place where this can't happen to me again.  I am one of those that bears out the truth of the statistic that shows the younger the abuse happens the odds increase of it happening again. Yes, it did, again and again.  While I did have periods of relief, it always found me. Even joining the Marines did not keep me safe from it. Then I did the one thing that was left for me to do.  Married  CN, to ensure I wouldn't have to go through life wondering when it would happen again. All I had to do was come home from work, and there it was, waiting for me. Or wake up in the morning. 

I now know it doesn't have to stay this way. I do want to escape before it kills me. My kids deserve that much.

Lookingforlight,
I understand to some degree, while I don't hate, I deeply distrust. Wasn't bullied as much as you were. But..... 😔 I know garbage... during the first 6-7 months of ten grade, 2 other boys physically picked me up and threw me in a large trash can. Every school day.

But my reasons for not being able to trust go far beyond that. Having been abused by men and women and boy and girls.  Oh, and CPA from mommy for 6 years too.

I, too, feel most alone when others are around.

You aren't alone in this, anymore.

For me, sometimes it's a single voice and sometimes it's a litany of voices like a chorus or a small crowd...

Thank you JamesG. I appreciate the welcome. I do understand it's not my fault. And I know I'm not guilty. And that's it, that's all I know.  And I can't talk about how I feel. I have no control over that.  Well, not entirely true, I am allowed to tell how I feel about certain topics , otherwise I'm not. Don't know if it's selective mutism or what.

Eyessoblue, thank you for visiting. I think my ADD type symptoms showed up in either 1st or 2nd grade...can't remember, just that it was very soon after that TBI concussion mom gave me. I was the one who either spaced out, and stared out the window all the time, or talked too much in class. Not really disruptive mind you, just enough to get called on it, every single day in class....all through my school years. By high school I was able to get a handle on the taking part, but the resulting tradeoff was more window staring. My grades didn't suffer, so there wasn't any real concern. But 3 things stick out in my mind. 1) my free time art/coloring pictures were always gruesome death scenes like Military war zone stuff. 2) I struggle with math word problems and general problem solving exercises. And 3) I could never understand English Literature class. Teacher was always asking what we thought the writer meant when sayin this or that. Seems I was the only student in my class that struggled with that.

Now I never took any college tests like SATs or whatever. I did take the one for the U.S. Military...the ASVAB.  Which is an aptitude test. Get this...I scored so high that the Navy tried really hard to get me to enlist as a Nuclear Submarine engineer, as a Nuclear energy engineer or something like that.  But I stayed far from that! No tin can underwater for me! Or complex math either!
I still have these zoned out moments all the time.

I hear you. I hear them too. Have heard them almost daily since 1994. But first remember hearing them the Summer when I was 10 years old. Summer of '94-'96 was a horrible time of my life...4 adult episodes of sa, 2 by a male predator. And 7 known attempts of sui.
My t was also bumped because of Monday holiday.  Sitting with you, safe 🤗If okayz

That was just a 75% of what I went through during those first 11 years of my life. And my teen years were only a little better.

3 Roses,
Okay, so...if I wasn't quite 3 years old when I was csa/r, multiple times by grown man and in an unrelated separate csa/r by a teen boy...even more times. In addition to symbolized abandonment in the case of grown man...because it was over 4 nights at his house while my parents were out of town for medical emergency.  Then age 4, got a lesson in RA/MC and cults by a 7 year old rescued survivor...which I understand to be known as transferred RA...and age 5 csa by teen boy..with sole intent to cause grievous harm, which triggered my mom, who then CPA me for 6 years, 4-5 times a week, where also my dad did some only a few times a month through out the same 6 year period. There were more throughout the rest of my childhood. Would like to note that around age 6 mom gave me a concussion that took 2 weeks for all the obvious symptoms to clear up. However I began experiencing ADD like symptoms soon there after....which continue to this day.

Would this qualify me then for the child side?

Hey Andyman, are you in the middle of Hurricane Harvey devastation?  If so, my thoughts are with you and I hope you are able to stay safe. 

No no....I meant me, personally...I am not making it by my own doing. Literally so so far in way over my head. I barely look at any of it, because I can't handle any more than a tiny little peak. And I just had a new memory reveal itself this past Monday morning...that has given me a whole new set of nightmares..