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Messages - Andyman73

#46
Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 17, 2018, 04:04:02 AM
i'm just glad everyone's ok, there's a no. now at which she can reach you, and that everyone is all good.  that's the best news.  love and hugs, andy and everyone else who may be around.
Thank you so much san. I really really appreciate that. She called me again, which was a lovely surprise. We had a really nice chat. However it seems what plans we were making are gonna have to be pushed back a year or two.  :'( She's worth it though.
We like hugs! Thank you again.  :hug: :hug: :hug:
#47
Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
July 17, 2018, 12:12:48 AM
Hi Wattlebird,
Hope you feel safe enough to leave your words up. You are so so brave to share them with us.  You can look at my journal if you like. It's not very big, as journaling isn't easy for me...not so much the words...which cause their own problems, but just doing it is hard. Can't remember to come everyday and make a daily entry. Though sometimes I do manage a few days in a row.
I understand your fearsss...I've been only knowing about my past for about 18 months. Almost all of it was locked away. Which sadly didn't help me not get hurt again, too many times.

We also know about dissocieation....happens sometimes when we get overwhelmed with EFs and other stuff too. Been having that all our lives, since little kid. Mostly remember it as lost or missing time, and not so much rmembering what happened. But know most of now. Sometimes wish we never remembered. But...then we would have all these things, EFs and so on and not know what they from.

When we dissociate, our conscious mind doesn't get the sensory input, so it then doesn't remember. Which also means we don't have some kind of mental break from what ever our mind was trying to protect us from.
#48
Quote from: Hope67 on July 13, 2018, 10:30:43 AM
Hi Andy,
I know you like the big warm hugs, so here are a few more for you:
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
:hug: :hug:
Plus a couple of little hugs too. 
Hope  :)
Awwwwwww, so sweet of you Hope!
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
#49
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope66's Journal
July 16, 2018, 09:25:29 PM
 :bighug:
Hi Hope, just sending some warm hugs and loving kindness your way.
:hug: :bighug: :hug: :bighug: :hug:
#50
Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 13, 2018, 01:52:33 AM
i don't know if there's anything you can do, andy.  if you believe in prayer, that may help.  faith that all will work out may help.  other than that, i don't really know.  i will send some vibes of hope and faith for her and you to the universe.  also, love, of course.  always love.   :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
these are all filled with strength, hope, power of the universe, care, concern, resilience, comfort, and love love love.  hold on tight - we won't let go.

Hi San,
We heard from our friend since our last post. Found out what happen, why no call. Her friend, that she used phone last time, was on vacation for a month. And my friend couldn't remmber our phone #. Her friend only got back on Saturday.  We talk and cry for about an hour. Now that she got number from friend, she gonna try call at least once a week.
Said her vision has improved a tiny bit. But found out that she lost about 20 years of memory...mostly of her son's childhood. So...her sad about that.

Said that when in hospital, some of her littles had fronted and they were terrified and were acting out. When try make her take shower..water spray her face, triggering her badly and she run away. made our hearts hurt so much for them. Also littles had said stuff, cuz she got asked questions then, later about who or what was said. And she told them that she don't know....playing dumb. Cuz she not want to get into all that.

We told her how much we still love her. Asked if littles thought we abandoned them...was hard to say cuz made us cry to say. She says no...they understand that we didn't go. Again reminded them that we love them all so so very much.

Said something sorta funny. Now that she cant see well enough to run finances and stuff. Her not nice husband finding out very very quickly that all the stuff she did with money somehow made everything work and bills paid on time. He was so surprised that now he can't make it work. Always told her she dumb and stuff. So he ask her if money was always like that. Hers said back.."yeah, been telling you forever that you can't keep speinding money like you want and expect me to get bills paid. See..he would call bank to order stop check after she sent off bill payment. And other dumb stuff like that. So, at least for now he not blaming her for the money issues no more. Felt a little good to hear that.

Asked her if we was still okay. Said we stay for as long as she want if she want.  Told us "yes please" So...we so so happy hear that. made us cry more. But good tears.

But now we waiting agian for next call. Wont be so hard...unless goes too long. So for now..we happy. Not know what future gonna be, or how it gonna be...no matter..we be happy as pigs in mud just to have her in our lives.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: Thank you so so much San!!!
#51
Hi Rowan, new friend...

:hug: We know this so so hard.  :'( Body memories....sometimes just weirdly strange...and sometimes hurts so so bad makes us  :disappear:.   Maybe we look at it like this...dr person confirmed...validating you...so...not know what or why..but know that it is that does helps a bit. Gives a tiny tiny bit of peace to know we not going crazy.. and yes our body is talking to us through the body memory. Means it members something our head doesn't   Usually cuz we was dissociated when that bad bad hurty was being done to us.
Too sciency to us to explain details. But use words like we do make it easy for us.

Rowan...we gonna sit here quietly and just be...sometimes that all we can do..cuz words too too hurting and stuck inside.
:hug:
#52
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope66's Journal
July 13, 2018, 01:47:30 AM
Hi Hope
:hug: :bighug: :hug:
#53
Welcome Feyre...I am so so so sorry you been hurt like this. I know....my past is full of that stuff too. I'd like to say that I'm coping but I'm not. My memories only started coming back January of last year.  All I can do...to even stay alive, is to hide all that stuff away...and only take tiny little peeks at it from time to time. It looks like one of those animated closets where if you open the door, more stuff falls out than actually fits into the entire house!  :fallingbricks: just like that.

I am so sorry you got hints and feelings and hunches of early childhood traumas.... I know that one all too well....and dissociating....yeah..that too. We .... we just be here. San and others are so so wonderful to us. Be wonderful to you too.

If okay give  :hug:?
#54
San, thank you. I don't know what to do....been a month now...since that phone call from her.  :'( ??? :'( Our heart is breaking more and more everyday.
try to take care of us ...but so hard...hurts so much and piles on top of all our lives hurts too. Thank you for hugs...speciallly big warm ones!  :bighug:
#55
Quote from: Sceal on July 06, 2018, 06:20:15 AM
Fingers crossed!
I didn't realize she was living with an awful and cruel man. I hope with you, that she will be safe sooner rather than later. And that she finds a way out!
Thanks Sceal. We won't know if never get contact reestablished. That is too scary to think about if never happens. Feel like giant hand squishing heart.

Hi Hope, We decided the risk was worth the reward....or punishment.  So far we got nothing...so....not exactly bad? Meaning no bad words from angry people on phone. So....we decide to think that's okay.  We really really appreciate all your hugs and support of everyone here. I KNOW we would be super struggling if not for all of you. Thank you everybody.  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: for any who would like them.
Andy
#56
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope66's Journal
July 09, 2018, 02:56:05 AM
Hope,
That's good to hear. I never liked going away with wife...always had to be doing doing doing...and not so much relaxing.  So lot of times I was just as tired when gettng back from vacation, not rested at all. Then going back to work almost seemed a mini-vacation.
But now...since moved out...vacation feels Soooooooo relaxing. Like when was a kid.  :hug: :hug: :hug:
#57
Rowan,

:hug: I would gladly and freely give you unlimted hugs to use as you need. Hugs are something that came in super short supply growing up. And even less in my adult years. So....it's a whole thing with me.
Yeah, that make sense about some early childhood behaviours.
Rowan, we have lots and lots of missing time, or gaps, too. So ...we get it. Oddly we don't miss the missing stuff. Doesn't feel missing. Feel like was never there...can't miss what you ddin't have kind of thing. Most of my childhood is remembered, or not, in that fashion...like wasn't there.  :hug: But we are here, and would be happy to sit and keep you company, for as long as you'd like.
#58
Sexual Abuse / Re: Just another day
July 09, 2018, 02:48:42 AM
Hi Mourningme,
Would  :hug: be okay? Can we sit with you? Can talk or not, just want to be here, so you not alone. Never have to be alone ever again. We don't have rage like that, okay, we do, but we keep it locked away in a deep dark hole. It not good and not behave so we can't let it out. Scares us too much. and Makes our head really really hot inside....which is just no fun!
We can be your friend, and sit and listen to you talk, or sit in supporting silence too.
#59
Hi Hope,
Thank you so much for letting us write that stuff. You know....I still get all ....  :Idunno: about that one....I mean, I cant understand the whole derealization or depersonalization that was happening...that whole in a fishbowl experience. I can see it in my mind right now....so so so weird.  ??? Really did feel like we were invisible...you know? Could be maybe they didn't see cuz they didn't want to? like turn blind eye away from 12-13 year old me getting sa/r by man....mentally disabled with some gray hair. DDdone with that now.. too much ooops .

Talk other stuff now.  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Being brave takes concentration and lots and lots of energy. Makes us sooo tired. too.  Yeah sometimes we just get off the train and let it go on without us. Catch it a few days later at it goes by again. Started to call off work or leave early too. Not too much, but just when we really need to. Wife never ever ever ever allow that. But we not know all this stuff then. So it was just the cptsd effecting us with no understanding what it was or why we have it. And she not allow taking time off work with out her approval. She usually allow that for like regular dr appointments and stuff, but for mental health day or what ever...oh no no no.  But now can!  ;D Been super helpful too. And I do have a lot of time saved up...could actually take 2 months off from work, paid, between sick and vacation time.

HOpes...big and little, you been so so nice to us, we say thank you so so much.  :grouphug: all us hugging all you.

HOpe made lots of good sense, yes! And even said it with words that we understand easily. Thank yo for that. We have problems when some use big words and stuff. Confuses us. Makes us feel little and stupid.  So... :bigwink: we so glad you use smart words we know and understand. Thank yhou so so much for that, Hope.

Andy
#60
Thank you Hope.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

WE did scary thing today. We looked on phone call list, found number that she called us from, and called it. Left voice mail...so...now we wait. HOpe we did right thing??? Did we?  :stars: ??? :'( :'( :'( :fallingbricks: