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Messages - Liminality

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Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
« on: September 26, 2017, 01:19:28 AM »
I'm so glad you found a way to lessen the need to SI!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Don't know what else to say, except same as Hope66, I'm appalled at and so so sorry for what your FOO made you go through. You deserved to be treated gently and lovingly, not with passive and aggressive violence. They deserve your anger, whenever you feel safe to express it. Many warm thoughts your way.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Emotional mess
« on: September 26, 2017, 01:04:27 AM »
Fiction, a little bit of everything. Right now I'm working on a web serial so it's less genre specific and more exploration of different themes via character interaction. I have an overarching plot, but it doesn't rear it's head in every chapter, and if I was pressed to describe it I'd say it's "drama", which doesn't mean anything really.

But other than that I'm working on two novel outlines to write when I'm done with my serial. One of them is halfway between drama and mystery, protagonists are a serial killer, his would-be victim, and the detective trying to find the kidnapped teen. It deals mostly with themes of power exchange, starts with the serial killer being in complete control and ends with his victim taking her life back. As you can guess I'm beating a lot of demons with that one.

The other one is firmly set in the Solarpunk genre, I don't know if you've heard of it? It's described as speculative fiction focussing on themes of community, technology powered by renewable energy, cultural awareness, arts and crafts, etc. Mine averts the usual "utopia" setting as the story is set on the brink of a civil war, but as they say, no conflict means no story.

And you? ^^

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Emotional mess
« on: September 25, 2017, 07:07:37 PM »
Thank you JamesG. Yes, I know the best way is to just roll with it, but it's so hard and makes me so mad (and sad, and fearful, and... so many emotions all at once). I fought four years with depression just to get this one thing back, and now I'm losing it again? It's not fair.

But you're right and I'll try to be kind to myself, read as much as possible in the meantime, try to get myself interested in my story and characters again. And I wish for your own bad days to bother you as little as possible. Thank you.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Emotional mess
« on: September 25, 2017, 02:33:54 PM »
Thank you so much, all three of you. Fortunately it doesn't look as bad this morning. I'm still extremely tired, in pain, and the heat wave isn't over so I'm probably prone to ups and downs as a result, but at least I didn't forget my meds so I feel more stable and able to deal with it. Things are looking better right this moment so I'll try to make the most of it.

Aphotic, thank you for the suggestion. You're very right, I can at least try and do some planning, or maybe edit the work that was already done. My creativity isn't dead, I'm just having trouble accessing it right now. Maybe my chapter isn't as bad as I remember it and re-reading it will cheer me up. With a bit of luck it will be bad and I'll get the urge to work on it, haha. Wish you the same.

Woodsgnome, I hope you managed to sleep a bit despite the heat. I'll try to pace myself today, drink a lot of water and maybe nap for a while when the heat becomes too much. Hopefully you can do the same, but if you can't, hang in there. It'll get better.

Thank you again for being there when I needed it.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Emotional mess
« on: September 25, 2017, 03:32:49 AM »
So many things in my head I think I'm going to implode. Maybe collapse like a castle of cards. That's how fragile and vulnerable I feel right now, and I hate it so much.

I can't hold a job because my symptoms (flashbacks and panic attacks mostly) are too invasive. But last year I managed to start writing again, so that's what I do most of the days. I write fiction, publish on the internet, and do my best to keep my self-imposed deadlines. And it was going so well, the only thing I was holding onto, the only thing I was really proud of.

Except now I'm having a depression relapse, and I honestly can't find it in me to work on my next chapter. At all, for ten days now. It's infuriating, and frightening too because last time this happened I spent four years trying to get back the strength to write regularly. Four years! I can't lose four years again! But the mere idea of working on my current chapter gives me nausea, and that in turn makes me feel like crying.

I've had chronic pain issues because of irritable bowels syndrome for nearly a full week now, it just won't stop hurting, and on top of that I'm dealing poorly with the heat wave hitting my country. Even taking a shower doesn't help, because the humidity level is so high I can't get rid of the wet feeling afterwards and everything becomes sticky and disgusting.

So I'm kind of in this weird awkward place between feeling numb and overwhelmed at the same time, with too many icky/painful physical input to properly deal with, and I'd usually bury myself in a heap of blankets to forget about the world for a while but !"/$%?& it's too hot for even that and urgh.

Sorry for the rant. I don't usually do this, but when I talked to a friend earlier they tried to fix me instead of offering validation/empathy, and I ended up pretending everything was fine so they'd shut up. I'm not fine. I'm a hot mess and all over the place and please make it stop.

(Can't remember if I took my meds this morning, but if I didn't it's probably not helping. So I'll post this, put tomorrow's dose on the table so I won't forget in the morning, and go to bed. Perhaps have a good cry. Hopefully I won't have insomnia on top of everything else.)

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: These alters are overwhelming
« on: September 24, 2017, 03:46:08 AM »
I'm sorry you were triggered so badly, Aphotic, and that your new friend went out of his way to antagonise you. Keeping away from them until you regain your balance seems a good idea to me. When that kind of things happen to me, I usually self-soothe (watch movies, listen to music, take walks, try to eat healthy food that makes me feel "clean" inside and energises me, or on the other hand allow myself a bit of something sugary/salty, etc.) until my emotions aren't out of control anymore. Often things seem more clear after a day or two, after which the decision-making process becomes easier.

In a thread I just read there was a great comment by Sceal explaining how they break down the process of taking blood samples to children, and I think there's something in there that might be helpful for us with insiders. It may not always work, but when it comes to your situation with FOO it may be possible to try and explain aloud (or maybe write it while directing it toward them) how you understand they're trying to protect you, but that their attitude might end up causing you more trouble when done in an inappropriate way or context? The post is here, if you want to read it:

For what it's worth though, I'm pretty sure I would have reacted the same if poked and prodded by someone like that. It might have come out harsher than usual because it's such a sensitive issue with people like us, but the very fact he admitted that at least part of his antagonistic ways were deliberate makes me think you were absolutely right to clearly establish your boundaries, and that he probably deserved everything you/Yarra told him. I'm just sorry that instead of feeling good ("free") about it, it triggered so much anxiety for you.

I hope your friends don't make too much of a fuss about what happened, but if they do, you can come back here and ask for help and support any time you need, we'll be there. Warm thoughts and safe hugs if you want them. :hug:

Our Relationships with Others / Re: Let's talk about Hypervigilance
« on: September 24, 2017, 02:55:26 AM »
Thank you, Piou and Sceal. I'm glad you could relate to this too. It helps that I'm irrationally afraid of anything to do with dead bodies, and that autumn usually triggers dreams of zombies for 1-2 months every year. At one point I realised the feeling I get from those dreams is the exact same I get when I go outside and meet people, and have been using this analogy to explain anxiety and hypervigilence ever since.

Sceal, you're very right that breaking down complicated issues in small simple explanations helps a lot. And I think it could work even better if those explanations were specifically tailored for and addressed to our Inner Child/Children (or at least in my case, seeing as my insiders are usually the reason I'm on high alert). I'll try it next time I need to go out, explain everything aloud, maybe it'll help alleviate the anxiety. Thank you for this! It's really helpful.

Okay! Just wanted to be sure. :))

Recovery Journals / Re: Standing On The Threshold
« on: September 22, 2017, 06:06:44 PM »
Thank you, Aphotic and Blueberry.

September 22, 2017
Triggers for this post: Non-descriptive mention of CSA and grooming/brainwashing toward the end, and a rant about the actions of my non-abusive parent.

Wednesday morning I had my appointment. It has caused some mixed feelings inside and I needed some time to process before being able to put them in words. Still not completely sure how to express the upset I feel, but I'll try.

But first, the good news: I was given a prescription for small doses of Welbutrin, an antidepressant that used to energise me, so hopefully I'll stop feeling so listless all the time. My doctor also gave me Ativan to fight anxiety, so that's good. With a bit of luck it'll help me get back on my feet enough to do the work that needs to be done.

She also put me back on the waiting list of the mental health public system. Depending how it turns out, it'll take six months to two years to be assigned either a therapist or a social worker (neither trauma-informed, unless a miracle happens), and from there I'll be able to discuss my options. I'm of two minds about that -- some parts of me say "this will be a disaster and amount to nothing and I don't wanna goooo", other parts remind me this is how I met the only T. that ever managed to help me a little. So we'll see. It's going to be a long time before it happens, anyway.

So that's good. More or less.

However, and this is the part I have trouble processing, when I talked to my doctor about "the voices in my head" (couldn't find a better way to quickly explain what's going on) she answered with "but you already told me about that about five years ago, I remember that perfectly".

First, what?

Second, if I told you there's people living in my head, why the #@Łą€!"/$%?&* am I still alone to deal with this?!

Third, what?!

I have no memory of telling her or anyone else about this. Zero, niet, nada. I did manage to figure out Kaylee waking up and screaming then going back to sleep again is a cyclical thing, something I seem to forget every time it happens. Following this realisation, I guess it makes sense in a way that I would forget everything pertaining to those events. It makes sense, but it terrifies me. Feeling out of control triggers me something fierce.

From what I gathered off the conversation we had afterwards, my doctor basically confirmed that my self-diagnosis of OSDD is right, but also told me (not in so many words) that I'll probably never get it on paper because of the way they run the mental health system where I live. They just clump it on with "normal" symptoms of BPD. I can live with that. Honest. I can, as long as I'm taken seriously when I talk about my symptoms and troubles next time I see a therapist. Wait and see. I'm getting good at that.

I'm still angry though. Angry and scared and helpless. Actually, I'm probably having an EF, because I'm feeling the exact same way as when my mum told me that she saw something weird in the way my father was with me when I was three, and decided to do nothing because (in her words) "you were too young, nobody would believe you in court, better wait until you were older". :doh: So I spent nearly three more years being groomed and brainwashed, the abuse escalating of course as the years passed, and so what? So I would "be believed in court"? Except there were still no proof acceptable in court three years later, when he finally was arrested! Then her lawyer convinced her to let him escape the country so he didn't even do time for it and I'm left without closure. Urgh.

I'm probably being unfair to my mum, because she did have him arrested in the end. She protected me the best she could, considering she was a victim of child emotional abuse and neglect in the first place, and I'm not even sure "NPD" describes everything my father was. Being married to him nine years wrecked havoc on her mental health and it's a miracle she's still functional today. And mostly her parenting was okay. It just wasn't enough.


So I'm feeling the same way with my doctor right now. If I talked about Kaylee's screams, why did nobody help me then? Or even make me feel heard? Except, maybe they did, and I don't remember. This is so confusing. How am I supposed to make sense of anything now?

Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: My type of self-harm - Trigger warning
« on: September 22, 2017, 02:57:45 PM »
Don't know what to say, but sending warmth and comfort your way, Blueberry. Used to do that too when I was a teen. It's called trichotillomania, halfway between self-harm and an obsessive-compulsive behaviour. Can't remember how it stopped. So sorry you're still struggling with this.

Thank you for sharing that. I've heard of animal inners(?) but you are the first I've had contact with. I have a lot of dissociative amnesia in both childhood and adulthood.
Hello Andrew, did we meet? Andy and I have shared a little on another thread a few days ago, but if you're not the "same" Andrew, happy to meet you! :) (If you're the same one, please ignore me ;D)
As I was doing research this week, I've read non-human insiders are less common than human ones, which surprised me as I have a few of them. But I guess it's not that surprising, seeing as I was brainwashed into thinking all humans were evil and out to get me. There was no trust with humans when I was a child, and that the most "happy"/"carefree"/"soothing") parts of myself are animals and trees makes sense, just like the happiest memories I still have from childhood are from spending time with animals or alone in nature.

I have a therapy bear who represented a small, unhappy Inner Child. For a long time Bear couldn't communicate at all with language. Bear understood quite a lot but couldn't express. Then Bear started to nod or shake his head. Then eventually to speak. Bear is bilingual now, using both my native language and the language of the country I now live in. So, just saying, these things can and do change.
That's great! So happy for you and Bear. May I ask if you have tricks to help the little ones inside communicate better, even if not vocally? Right now their communication is more than a little chaotic and becomes quickly painful when they scream.

Sounds like Inner Helpers, in fact you can have a whole Inner Team on board.  :cheer: for you for coming up with these 'others'.  I say  :cheer: because I had help and encouragement coming up with mine e.g. through Ego State therapy and all the Inner Child workshops I did. It seems yours have come up on their own, without outside help except from you?
It's complicated. I've learned yesterday that I have a lot more amnesia than I thought I had, so my best guess is that some parts of myself are more "conscious" of them than others. When those parts "disappear" to the back of my head, so do the memories and everything related to the existence of my insiders.
But the medical abuse I went through at the hospital caused so much confusion, shock, and chaos that it burned my whole sense of self to the ground. So the best thing I can come up with is that it must have broken down some barriers inside as well. I've only started hearing their screams intermittently after I got out.

On the other hand I've had an inner mindscape since very young, as I was encouraged early to develop my imagination (no wonder why). When I read something about "Memory Palaces" in the "Hannibal" books by Thomas Harris in my late teens, I tried to make one for myself and while attempting to picture the house I lived in at the time, (re)discovered both my first home (where Kaylee lives) and what I used to call the "Magic Island" when I was something like five. When I first stumbled on it I thought it was mine alone, but in truth I have no control on how it appears and only have access to about 10%, the rest is (currently?) blocked off or unreachable (tall and abrupt cliffs, holes in the ground, etc.). So I guess my insiders live there somewhere, more or less protected from even myself.

Thank you for the information on Ego State Therapy. I'll read on that, maybe prepare and bring some reading material when I get assigned to a new T. It's so helpful. :hug:

Religious/Cult Abuse / Re: Was this a cult?
« on: September 20, 2017, 12:31:37 AM »
Your experience sounds very frightening. I wouldn't feel comfortable putting a label on them as I have no experience with cults, but they were definitely very controlling and manipulative of you, and I'm so glad you managed to get out. Don't have much energy to say more right now. Warm thoughts your way.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: self-neglect
« on: September 19, 2017, 02:21:55 AM »
Going to the aquarium and watching the fishes sounds like a marvellous idea, Blueberry. As is allowing yourself some apple pie. I'm overweight as well and liable to eat the whole pie in two sittings because when I'm down I have no self-control. So when I crave sugary food, what I do is buy one piece (or one ice cream cone) instead of a whole pie (or cake, or tub of ice cream), then make sure to eat it slowly and relish every bite, really live in the moment when I do, so I'll be satisfied and won't crave more. I found this to be an acceptable compromise. That way I don't feel as guilty, but still allow myself a bit of a "sugar high". Maybe that could work for you as well?

In any case, as far as I'm concerned you absolutely belong here. Many times I've read your posts when I was still lurking, and found myself relating to your experiences or soothed by your words. You offered me validation without even knowing it, so I'm sure people who have known you longer and whom interacted with you directly will say the same. It's a beautiful community here, and you're an important part of it.  :hug:

Interesting thread. Like Aphotic, I find intriguing to see how many times similar triggers come back on most lists, and how we relate to each other.

Don't know all of mine either, but I'll try to list a few.

- My birthday
- My abusers' birthday
- Christmas
- Spiders
- Crowds
- Dark and cramped spaces
- Being naked in a bathroom
- Being wet (as in, water over my body)
- Places related to my abuse
- Manipulative people
- People looming/towering over me
- People encroaching on my personal space
- People trying to lord their authority over me
- Any accidental or deliberate touch I'm not prepared for (the only safe spots are my hands and top of shoulders, and again only when I'm feeling safe)
- Compliments and kind words (I can tolerate a few, but not much)
- Pity toward me (including compassion and sympathy, because when I'm having an EF I won't see the difference)
- People laughing at me/making jokes at my expense
- Feeling unheard/invisible
- Lack of proper trigger warnings in fiction
- Books/Movies/other fictional media with vague descriptions of implied CSA (graphic CSA triggers me less, but implied makes my imagination turn wild)
- Books/Movies/other fictional media with characters going through derealisation/depersonalisation (makes me go through the same thing)
- Gross misrepresentation and propagation of mental illness stereotypes
- Being pinned down
- Being asked to say "I love you" back

And I'm going to stop here because I'm triggering myself, haha.

Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: Push or Pull?
« on: September 18, 2017, 01:50:06 PM »
Like you Aphotic, I used to fawn and pull and please as much as I could, and was taken advantage of by friends and romantic interests alike. So now I push everyone away and isolate myself as much as humanly possible. I feel I'm too much of a mess anyway to impose on a partner, seeing as I can barely deal with myself on a good day.

Friends I keep at a distance also, communicating through internet mostly, staying at home and doing my own thing, and also disappearing for unknown periods of time when I'm overwhelmed or feel people are getting too close. It's a bit of a vicious circle sometimes as I usually do everything I can to be invisible/not part of people's lives, then struggle because I'm feeling invisible/unheard.

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