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Topics - Sceal

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Crashed
« on: November 23, 2018, 09:13:54 PM »
I crashed this evening. Just slumped down on the floor crying. I was watching a show it had SA involved in it. I just feel so alone.
So disgusting. So dirty and filthy.
I don't know how to overcome this. How to be clean. How to recover..maybe it is in my attitude like it is being suggested. Maybe I am too "comfortable" here because it is familiar. What if that is true?

So disgusting.

Checking Out / Vacation
« on: November 09, 2018, 07:16:50 AM »
I'm going on a vacation for a week.
Sending you all some good vibes

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Lady T is leaving
« on: October 20, 2018, 06:14:10 PM »
My psychologist told me 1.5 week ago she's got a new job. She hadn't told anyone, except her husband, that she had applied for a new job. I don't know what that job is, I couldn't bring myself to ask. I felt the floor went away from underneath me.
She has been my one and constant support in real life. She's been on my side, she's been so patient, she's dragged me up from the mud and crazy paranoia-days that she found me in.
For me, she has been my safety. I have always known she was there. I could call her, I rarely did, but I had the option to. And that meant the whole world to me.
I know she might refer me to some other colleague, and that this new colleague will be just as great. But I think there is a child within me that is deeply struggling with abandonment-issues at the moment. I feel like a child, I don't feel safe. I wasn't really abandoned as a child, so I'm not sure where this is coming from. I feel like these emotions are old and new at the same time. They both belong to me, and they don't.
It's overwhelming, and I feel like giving up at the worst moments of the day.

And it makes me feel bad, because I do have my family and I do have two friends here. But I can't confide in either, I don't trust them at that level, for this kind of stuff. I just don't.

Successes, Progress? / I dared
« on: October 03, 2018, 11:33:51 AM »
On Monday I asked my Lady T about wether I should say yes to meeting a surgeon now, or postpone it. Her response made me scared that she think it's time to end therapy. I was on the fence on how to deal with this fear, if I should wait and see what happens. If I should tell her this is worrying me and ask her what she was actually thinking, get my GP to call her and say she's worried about me.  Or ask her about it after group today.

So I ended up asking her today. It was a spur of the moment desicion. I said that after session on Monday I felt a bit worried. She asked if if was something she said or did, and I was honest and said yes. I told her that I worried she meant the end of treatment now. I told her I was also worried if I should ask her, but that I didn't want it hanging over me now that I'm going abroad. She told me that she had no plans on ending therapy now. And I was hit with a wave of relief. I feel like I can breathe again for the first time since I left her office on Monday.
I also told her I feel like I am not functioning at the moment. It wasn't a topic we went into, since we only had a few minutes. But I told her I am just practicing telling her how I really feel at the moment. She appreciated that.

But it was so nice, to be able to actually use my words. I feel, and I hope the people around me agrees, that I have become better at using words.

So today I am acknowledging my success!

I rarely have 3 panic attacks/anxiety attacks in one day. Usually they are either prolongued never ending, or I remove myself completely from the trigger and refuse to come out of my hidey-hole until it's safe. But yesterday I had 3 in one day. I had one major one which I don't know how long I was fighting, because it started while I was blacked out (dissociating strongly), I just recall someone helping me out of it.

Normally when I have anxiety attacks I'm so worn out I sleep well during the night, but I kept waking up, I'm not sure if I was ever deep asleep to be honest. But I started getting pain in my legs which also kept waking me up. And by the time I was so much awake sleep wasn't going to come back, the pain was more intense. It's in my shins, so it feels like a intense case of shin splits in both my legs. My lower back, my * and my hip are also somewhat aching, but nothing compared to my shins.

I do struggle with alot of inflammation, I have a chronic low-grade inflammation in my body due to PCOS. But I can't remember having experienced this before, I do believe it's because of the anxiety attacks (unless, of course I did something I've no recollection of while being blacked out), but I'm not sure. I was wondering if anyone else have had such physical reactions after a panic attack or two?
I do have tense and tight muscles after alot of anxiety, but this is worse. I can barely walk.

Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Struggling with fighting impulses TW
« on: September 20, 2018, 01:33:03 PM »
I had stopped SH for a long while, years actually. I thought it wasnt an issue anymore. Then I was re-traumatized, and it came back. But I had more skills and more things to do in order to fight the impulses. And with help of Lady T, I have been free of all of the various SH for atleast 6 months.

But not anymore. Things are too hard, I struggle so much with using other coping mechanisms.

I am sharing this here, incase it helps me, not doing any SH by talking about it. I hope that's okay.

Other / Weekends
« on: September 14, 2018, 06:10:05 PM »
I was just wondering.. Am I alone in fearing the week-ends?

My few friends will be home, so I could visit them. And I'm sure it would do me some good. But all the support places, my psychologsit and my doctor, the are closed down. There's no place to go when the day gets too hard and difficult to handle.

For me, I dread every week-end when I'm stuck in a bad period, like now. Because I get so completely alone. (My friends and family know I struggle, but they don't know about what or about cPTSD, or the extent. We don't talk about stuff like that).

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Therapy-hangover
« on: September 03, 2018, 08:27:42 AM »
Last Friday I had my session with Lady T early in the morning. For the rest of that day I was so exhausted physically, I kept dozing off in public places.
Saturday was anxiety filled, and overwhelming. Yesterday existed. Today I'm just overwhelmed by sadness. I'm trying really hard to do those self-care things.
But I'm just... I don't know. But it's just too hard to cope alone today.
I don't know how to reach out, I don't know who to reach out to. I'd like to call Lady T, but I don't know what to say.

Successes, Progress? / The daily things I did to fight the depression
« on: August 18, 2018, 08:20:37 PM »
I've been doing good lately, really good infact. I'm not sure if it is going to last, but what I do know is that I got hope back that when I do fall back into the depression stages again, I will know that I will feel good again. I'm not cured, I still got trauma to work through, and it will be hard as *.
It's happened a few times in my life when the fog of depression has lifted and I've felt better for a while, and I've always wondered what it was that I did to make it all better. This time I took the time to analyze, and I thought I'd share with you my little steps (and the bigger ones).
Although, as a disclaimer I would like to say: For a while they didn't work, for a long time in-fact. But I kept doing them anyway, because I trusted my Lady T and the advices I'd been given. I didn't have anything to lose by keep trying, it didn't cost me anything - so why not?

- At the end of every day I would write down every positive thing that happened to me during that day.  In the beginning it was hard to spot them, but it got easier with practice, although there were many days there weren't anything positive. But it could range from that the weather on that day was nice. Funny shape of a cloud, a smile from a stranger, a conversation with a friend, discovery of something, a good meal. Anything positive. The reason behind this is to remind the brain, make it remember.

- On occation I would stop up after a shower and actually be kind to my body and use moisturizing cream all over. (it's not something I usually do). But I'd feel better.

- I'd look at the stars

- I'd reach out to a friend and say "I got a bad day today, but can I come over anyway?" - and I wouldn't talk about why the day was bad. We'd talk about other things, normal things. And I might not feel better there and then, but I would avoid feeling worse by being stuck in my own head. Over time, this really made connect better with them.

-Be outside, in the sun if I could. Just get some fresh air for a few minutes.

-Go for a walk, in my own speed. For my own sake, looking around at the world around me.

-Lie down on the sofa and listen to the rain outside

-Lie down on the sofa and listen to music

- Avoid reading the news in the morning

- Read an enjoyable book

- Excersise, this is a hard one for me. Because I feel I need to perform, but when I slow down and do it for me, and not in order to prove something or to get validation from others, this work really well.

- Listening to talks about various topics, sometimes over and over again.

-Allow myself to be sad or angry

- Talk kindly to myself whenever I am being attacked by the Shame-monster

- Write down 3 things, first thing in the morning before I do anything else, what I'm grateful for today.

- And tell people I appreciate them.

There's a few other things too, but this post is already too long. I hope that my discoveries will be helpful to someone else out there.

Friends / Being childish and scared
« on: August 04, 2018, 08:32:45 AM »
Like most artist I more often than not do NOT think whatever I'm working on is good enough. But last night I finished a colour study I was kind of happy with. And I asked an artist friend of mine what he thought, as he'd seen it while I was still in the beginning stages.
His reply was "um I don't think it's finished", without explaining what he meant with that, or how he thought I should push it further.
And now it's making me feel worthless, eventhough I've gotten a few comments on facebook by people (mainly non-artists) that they really like it.
I am scared that I don't see how terrible it actually is.
My friend isn't the kind of person who's afraid of giving critique, but I wasn't asking for critique.

And now I don't know how to deal with this, for me this is now a conflict. And conflicts scare me.
In my head he has told me I am not good enough. But I'm also annoyed at him for saying such a thing without explaining. What was the point of that statement - other than shooting me down?
And I don't know if I should tell him I'm not okay with such answers  - or if I should just not talk to him about my art ever again. Just generally not talk to him at all. Silent treatment. And it feels childish.

I am just really bummed out. I was getting excited to do art again. And now I'm scared to open up photoshop and it'll suck.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Started good, ended bad
« on: July 30, 2018, 08:48:49 PM »
Had a very good morning. Been doing really good lately. Until a few hours ago when my sister took pictures of me and I got to see them. awful, awful, awful. Full on body shame! I look like a shapeless mass of grey.

I am trying really hard to talk kindly to me " ive worked hard. I have done well. I have resisted temptations. I have made progress"

But it doesn't seem to help. Or matter, because the shame-demon is too overpowering.  :'(

Successes, Progress? / A new thought
« on: July 21, 2018, 07:37:33 PM »
Today I had a new thought, a new sensation.
I think, that perhaps, maybe.. That I'm becoming a better person.

General Discussion / Lack of self worth
« on: July 15, 2018, 02:46:48 PM »
The past year inparticular, my Lady L, have tried to make me explain why I have no sense of self worth, or rather why everyone else, and I mean everyone else has more worth than I. And how others are deserving of good things happening to them. I know this is connected with my traumas of being bullied for so many, many years as well as r* and SA by partner during my teenage years and adult life. But the idea it self had to start somewhere, right? And I think I know where it came from. It came from mom.

It's the second time my mom has told me that when I was young suddenly everychild were supposed to be praised for the things they did, and to get diplomas and medals for "just participating". She has forgotten that this is not quite true, I didn't get medals for things by just participating - perhaps this was more when my sister started growing up (she's 5 years younger). My mom wouldn't have anything of it, because she was terrified that we would become conceited and arrogant. So she didn't praise us, only whenever we did something exceeding expectations - while here's the problem. We were ordinary kids, we weren't above the average, so we rarely if ever exceeded any expectations. So, praise and compliments where few and far apart. And I think I translated that into the fact I'm simply not good enough. So it doesn't matter how much effort I put into anything, as long as it doesn't exceed expectations, I'm not worthy. So I don't deserve the good things, because I don't exceed. And when that was my foundation beneath being bullied and being manipulated, groomed and abused by people outside my family - it was a breeding ground for removing everything to do with self-worth.

I feel sad, hurt and neglected. I feel that my mother was more concerned about "protecting" me from being conceited than seeing what I needed as a child from her. She didn't see me, and she still doesn't. She struggles between acknowledging that I'm an adult with my own responsibilities and the fact that I might know more on a subject than her. So whenever I try to tell her that I know more than her on this subject, her voice gets more intense, louder and she shoots me down. Because I'm wrong, and she's right. And again, my opinions and knowledge doesn't account for anything.
I think this is also how I learned to not listen to compliments, they don't belong to me. When people give me compliments I translate it into they are lying. Because what they are saying simply are not true. I am not worthy of compliments. I can't feel their honesty and their earnest, I don't believe it's me they are talking about. I really don't. So the compliments just fall off me like raindrops on a heavy raincoat.

I suppose knowledge is the first step of fixing something, but this is something I don't know how to move forward with. How do I change the fundamental truth about my reality?

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Too much therapy
« on: July 03, 2018, 08:47:57 PM »
I felt that an appointment a week is too little, too much time goes between each session.
But right now, I am grateful that it's summer vacation.
Therapy has taken quite a toll on me the last month. I've pushed myself hard, I've stepped across my comfort zone further in therapy than I have in a long time not allowing myself to divert and change topic.

Tonight I've worked on alot of reflection. I've taught about it all, I've also extended a hand to a friend and I e revealed other things to another friend.
I've worked hard. I really have. I just wish I could see it and believe it.

I'm so exhausted I have no strength to cry. My body is like lead.
I could need some support and a cup of tea.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Something is wrong
« on: June 18, 2018, 02:41:49 PM »
Don't quite know what it is.
But something is wrong. I feel off, I feel sad. unmotivated. Un-whole I guess.
I was out today, to work on my preperation for the interview tomorrow. Now, all I want is to go to bed and hide under the blanket.
And I'm not yet done. I don't really want to talk to anyone.

I had a phone call with my wellfare/money guy, he said he can't guarantee 100% that I'll continue and get financial support. Perhaps that's it, but it started before I got the phone call. It started when I got home.

I feel disgusted by the body.

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