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Topics - Sceal

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Not connecting (Medium Post)
« on: June 08, 2018, 06:56:09 PM »
Last day of Identity group today. We were doing summaries, and we were talking about the concept of Front Stage and Back stage.
Front stage is an important part of a person, it will help with protecting oneself from intrusions into the back stage life of ones identity. Ones secrets, fears, emotions etc. We all have a front stage and a back stage, it's about being aware about when we are where. the ideal part is to use both intermittently.

For me, I don't really know my own backstage, it has glimpses outwards sometimes. Glimpses I feel I cannot control, and makes me realize that is part of me too. My backstage is hazy, blurry, often colourless. I mean, i know some of my secrets. I know what I keep from others. And that I don't trust people. but what I don't know is my value-set. The backstage values, which one of those are mine? Which ones I'm just borrowing from others because the sound of them sounds nice?
The front stage me, is very much me. I don't do fake-me. I don't do fake it til I make it, I don't believe in that. I can put in an effort and smile more and hide my true thoughts about something/someone - but that's to spare them feeling bad and me from getting into a conflict.

Getting past the ramblings; I have a nagging suspicion that in order to get in true contact with my emotions, with how I truly feel about the trauma's, the past events, about understanding how I felt back then. In order to work through the trauma's and move past them, I need to connect with myself. True and proper. Head, mind, soul, heart and body. They need to connect - to belong together as a unity. Like a tree with various roots and branches connected to one strong core. Right now I'm a weed, a bird, a shrubbery, a maggot... They are all in need of eachother to preserve the ecology - but they are consuming eachother, rather than working on the same page.
I need me to start working on the same page!

And I don't know how. I really, really don't know how to do that. How to allow my emotions to BE. To feel them. Everytime I stop up and take a moment I end up feeling nothing. I sense nothing. When I check in, slowly and purposefully for any physical or emotional sign there is just silence. And then when I give up and resume whatever activity I'm doing, be it social or anything else... I either dissociate or I am bombarded with sensations but I have no means to analyze them or recognize them, or even observe them. The moment I turn my attention to it again - it hides.
It's like playing whack-a-mole with myself. And how the * do I win at this game?

General Discussion / I got away (TW)
« on: June 05, 2018, 06:32:37 PM »
I'm not sure where this actually fits in, but I feel I should address it anyway.

Some years ago I joined many online classes for alot of various things. But one of them I got quite involved in the community, and I made myself noticed by the leader and owner of the class and when he was starting up a new course he asked me to help out to be a kind of point-person between a few different teams and as well be part of one of the teams. It was HUGE for me. I admired this charismatic and passionate man alot. He gave us some pointers that if we noticed any negativity or backtalk amongst the users we weren't to handle that, but to bring it to him or one of the people who worked for him. We weren't hired, simply we got a few goods for free for doing this for him. And we all jumped at the chance.  So I did notice someone being negative and spreading their negativity around and backtalking alittle bit. So I mentioned it to the leader, he had a talk with the person in particular - and then he lashed out at me. I had overstepped my duties, this wasn't okay. I was shocked. I had done spesifically what he had asked of me, and then he yelled at me.  Me being terrified of conflict backed down immediatedly. I barely dared to talk to him anymore. I didn't understand where this outbreak had come from. It broke my confidence quite a bit. I put my head down and I did my job. After that summer, once I'd processed it - I realized his outburst towards me took away his shine for me. I continued to stay around for a while longer. I'd made quite a few friends.
Years later now, I've been told by one of my friends that he really isn't any good. I'm not going to write what he's been doing, and how he's been doing it.
And it made me realize: I got away from this one. At one point, I could have been a member of his employees, but I got away. I didn't realize at the time how fortunate I was. Something in me recognized him for what he is, someone rotten to the core. And I stepped away. Now this was mainly all online (Although I've met with him in real life on two occations) - which makes it easier to step away from the screen and react to what's happening.

The second time is more recent. There was two people in my lives, seperate from each other, but with similar attitudes and behaviour.
They would tell a huge lie, one that  wouldn't make any sense. And you'd know it right off the bat, but I felt I couldn't call them out on it because they are (according to them) trauma victims (and they might very well be - I'm not the one to judge that. I also don't know their story). They would seek out attention time and time and time again, they would get moody and blameful when things weren't going exactly their way and turn the room dark and strained. One of them would boast on their criminal past (why is that something to boast about?). It was confusing, and my gut feeling kept telling me something is very, very off here. So I stepped away. In both cases I've had people tell me their gut feelings was telling them something was off too.

None of these people are the kinds I tend to fall "prey" too, but regardless of that, I still think it must be some kind of progress to notice when there are people around me that aren't good to others, they are toxic and in the first example an abusive N.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Just a bad day
« on: June 01, 2018, 11:10:47 AM »
I was feeling restless again, so I went to the mall and on the way there I was trying to check in on myself to figure out what's going on... I didn't get any answers, all I got now is a sickening pit in my stomach and the desire to avoid everyone and everything - yet I don't want to be alone.

General Discussion / Laughing
« on: May 29, 2018, 07:58:24 PM »
This is something that's bothered me for many , many years.
But I rarely ever find anything funny. When I watch a funny movie with friends or watch a stand up show or something and everyone else around me is laughing their asses off - all I ever do at most is chuckle, but mainly I just smile.

Sometimes I just don't find it funny, and sometimes I just don't find it funny enough to be falling flat on my *.

Could this be because of the cPTSD monster, or is it just simply my make-up?

I do smile, I smile too much. I smile the most when I am scared and nervous. I chuckle at me or the "threat" to make things lighter. I smile too much in therapy, I squirm and I smile and I push things away.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Overstimulated
« on: May 27, 2018, 08:15:55 PM »
I mentioned in my journal I've noticed I've a problem with saying no to people again, or not again - but it's a highlighted issue at the moment.

So this week-end I said yes to help out a friend babysitting her nephews overnight. Neither of us slept very well that night, too worried the babies would wake up and we wouldn't notice. When the kids woke up 4.30 and there was no sleep in sight we both mentally collapsed a little. The rest of the morning was challenging. We were cleaning and preparing the kids for their birthday party (normally that's a thing the parents do... right?), it was okay, but I was exhausted.
And I was stressed out, but doing my best to stay put together and in a good mood.

The rest of the day was alright. I went camping on my own, and the solitude in nature was incredible. But once I got home everyone and the moon had an opinion about how I should pack my backpack, whether I should get a new one, borrow one that's bigger. How to attach my tent and sleeping bag to the bag. And I get it, they were interessted in the fact I love nature and want to spend more time in it.
But it just felt as if they were deciding my future for me. Where I should hike, when, how, what to bring, what to do.
And I know they were being kind and genuine, but I just... it just reminds me of everyone else taking charge of my life and my opinions doesn't matter, my experices are invalid and my choices are taken away from me.
I know that's not what was going on, but that is how my emotional brain is seeing things.
So the end of an otherwise beautiful now just making me feel awful. And I can't connect with the wonderful memories I made being ontop of that island on my own looking out towards the ocean. Not even the photos I took is making me smile.

Sexual Abuse / One of the consequence of SA (trigger warning)
« on: May 22, 2018, 09:15:10 PM »
Under the sub-title "When problems are really solutions" Bessel van der kolk talks about how obesity can become a solution for someone with SA based traumas. He writes, and I quote:

Felitti points out that obesity, which is considered a major public health problem, may in fact be a personal solution for many. Consider the implications: If you mistake someone’s solution for a problem to be eliminated, not only are they likely to fail treatment, as often happens in addiction programs, but other problems may emerge. One female rape victim told Felitti, “Overweight is overlooked, and that’s the way I need to be.”

I have said in the past to my GP that I have a part inside of me who has to keep the weight up because the more disgusting I am, the lesser of a chance will it be to become R* again.
And that voice is so deeply hidden that I don't consciously hear it, because all I ever hear is Shame taking to me and telling me I am revolting and I need to work harder to lose weight.

Its a few days ago since I read this passage but it stays with me. I fear I cannot beat the monster of excess weight before I've tackled the traumas around it. But I don't know how to do that. And although I have my T and my SA lady, this... Is not something that I talk about. Everytime food and me come up for conversation I deflect. I change the subject. I don't always notice what I am doing, but it's been pointed out to me that this is hard.

I wish I had someone I trusted deeply to force me to talk about this. I am hoping that by writing here it is one step closer to the right path and hopefully it won't toss me 180 degrees and head down the wrong path.

General Discussion / Spa massage
« on: May 12, 2018, 11:15:53 PM »
I've always heard that spa treatments and massages are so wonderful. It can be relaxing, freeing tension from sore muscles etc. I had reluctance in trying because you have to be pretty much naked.

But a few years ago I decided to treat myself to one. (My mental health was stable at the time. I wasn't doing great, but I was managing) prior to the massage I spent two hours relaxing in various swimming pools with various degrees. The massage was a full body, and as I was getting it I felt I was in heaven. It was amazing, reliving and energy inducing. I was sure she was giving me the luxury package and not the one I paid for.

It lasted until I got home. When I got home I was filled with such agony I was twisting on the floor in fetal position. For hours. My (at the time) bf sent me to the emergency room in panic because I was screaming out load and became incoherent. I didn't get home until 6in the morning the next day. They gave me painkillers and muscle relaxants. I always thought it was because the massage was such a shock treatment to my muscles who have been tense for over 20+ years and they couldn't deal with it.

This all happened before I was diagnosed with cPTSD

Anyone else had similar experiences?

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Not the greatest day
« on: May 08, 2018, 06:21:07 PM »
Had therapy this morning. I generally felt okay before going. But I kept getting very dizzy and nauseous and my body was all stiff and troublesome to move during therapy - we touched upon a few topics briefly that triggered quick bursts of emotional responces in me, but once that I could push away.
My T said my body screams of fear, and it's hard to admit it - but i think she's right.

After that session I've not felt so great. I can't really put words to it, but it's just not so great. I could use some support today.
Thanks for listening

Questions/Suggestions/Comments / Unfollow?
« on: May 08, 2018, 12:27:06 PM »
I was wondering, is it possible to unfollow threads that I've commented on?
Occationally some threads that I initially posts on change topic, or they become slightly triggering for me to read - so I was wondering if it'd be possible to add a button to unfollow a thread?  :)

Therapy / Radical Accpetance [Contains a trigger warning]
« on: May 02, 2018, 12:28:03 PM »
I wasn't sure if I'd make a thread of it's self on this topic, or to simply write it in my journal. It might end up being a bit long, and for that I'm sorry - and I hope you'll bear with me. They say this is an important step in recovery - so I thought I'd try and share.

In DBT group today the subject was about 'Radical Accpetance'. Radical means with your entire self (mind, body and heart), and acceptance... Well, I guess it means acknowledging something, or approve of it. In DBT therapy they use this as a skill to deal with difficult situations - to accept the situation to reduce suffering, despite not liking the situation or removing the pain. They showed a video of a former patient talking about this, she says that for her this was the key to unlocking her recovery - that after that point things became easier. She felt more emotionally free. It didn't take away her pain, but her prolongued suffering.  It's the third time I'm having this topic in group, and it's not getting any easier. I have such a huge resistance to this topic.

I find it near impossible to radically accept alot of things. Example; I find it hard to radically accept if I'm late for something - that I am late. I acknowledge that I'm late, but I blame myself for it. "should have left earlier", "should have taken a different route", "should have planned better".  Or

Trigger warning
I can't radically accept the SA, the r*, the grooming and the manipulation.
Trigger warning end

Because it makes me feel like I have to approve of these actions. It makes me feel that I should be okay that it happened. And eventhough a big part of me says that I didn't (and still don't) deserve better, I can't approve or accept it. Another patient in group today said she thought that it is my pain that is talking. She might be right, that my resistance in this topic comes from my pain. That it would be too much to bear to accept it. I feel that I somehow are missing the key point, that I'm misunderstanding something. But everytime they try to explain - I feel that blockage. I try, and try to keep an open mind - but I really can't do it.

How do you guys feel about radical acceptance? If someone has worked through this - what was the turning point for you?

Successes, Progress? / Progress: A healthier response!
« on: May 02, 2018, 11:51:09 AM »
Yesterday I logged into an old, abandoned social media account. I left it due to the amount of toxic and abusive people I have on my friendlist there (There are reason why I didn't unfriend them and deleted the account - but that's for another topic). I thought I was ready to deactivate the account, I had recieved alot of messages on that account - some important, but one... from the wife of my last r*ist. She too caused me alot of pain, she's manipulative and were grooming me. I expected there'd be messages there from her, but I didn't expect it to be so recent. The last one was from March.
I haven't read a single one of them, due to her knowing then that I've read them and not replied. My heart stopped beating, and I started sweating. And the familiar voice of Paranoia reared it's ugly head. BUT!
But instead of freaking out completely - I logged out. And I decided to watch a tv-series instead. It took me a few hours before I managed to do anything else. But previously when they've contacted me (which isn't so long ago), the entire week is ruined. And my paranoia gets really activated and intense and I get self-destructive.
This time... the emotions didn't overwhelm me.
I still feel nauseous when thinking of it (and writing about it here), I still look around me when I walk out the door - just in case. And I'm worn out.  But this time around, it didn't control me.

I also told my therapist today, I met her in the hallway when I was heading for group. And she gave me a high five, and told me the news made her very happy. And it made me happy that she was happy. (although, that's something entirely different thing again).

But yeah, this is big.
 :cheer: :fireworks:

Letters of Recovery / Dear Sceal - Dear Someone
« on: April 26, 2018, 08:14:36 PM »
Dear Sceal - Dear Someone.

I was warned that trauma therapy would be hard. I was asked if I were truly ready, and I replied I can't possible know that before i'm in the middle of it.  Right now, I fear I've only just begun. I need you to be strong, but most of all I need you to be brave.

Brenè Brown says that bravery and the step towards wholehearted living is by daring greatly to be vulnerable. And that is what I need to do. I need to dare greatly to feel the emotions that pulses through me, to listen to the thoughts and the voices that whispers in my mind. I need to examine and dare to ask questions and be curious.  I need to dare to let go of my judgements and pre-conceptions that have helped me to survive. I need to dare to say "thank you" to my past me, for surviving the best way I could.
I need to dare to forgive myself and put the blame where it belongs instead of carrying it all on my own - because that's easier, safer.

Dear Sceal - Dear someone.

This is a reminder,  that things are yet to become harder - more painful as I dig through the trenches. But, I need to work through it and not get lost in the swamp-land of shame, guilt and self-hatred. I need to walk through and out the other end.

General Discussion / Unexpected grief
« on: April 25, 2018, 01:01:00 PM »
I got a little bit uncertain as to where this post should be, please move it if i chose the wrong section. :)

Yesterday I had a full day at a hospital 1.5hr drive away from town. It was an information day in regards to weight loss surgery. I'm still quite ashamed about it, but I don't have much of a choice anymore. First I got the news that, if it hadn't been for my trauma therapy I would have gotten the surgery now, before the summer. But my T thinks I need to wait, I can't do both at the same time. She's smart, and I did choose therapy over surgery - so in a way I guess I'm smart too. But there is a part of me who has been waiting for this surgery for a very long time, and it hurts that I can't just do it now and get it overwith. Start my new life, lose the weight so I can be less restricted..

But then another news came during the information day that was unexpected for me. Both the message and how deep it cut.
It is recommended that I do not get pregnant until at least 2 years after the surgery. I don't know when I'll actually get to take the surgery. I thought I had accepted a long time ago that children were not going to be a part of my life. Not children of my own anyway.  With my mental health I'm in no condition to care for a child as much as the child needs, not 24/7. I just aren't able to, and I don't want to neglect a baby/child because my own health can't deal. That wouldn't be fair. I know this. I believe this. I also am unable to have sex or intimacy. I can't date for this reason, so I'm alone. I am not ready, despite I hate the loneliness. The lack of sharing life with someone. But it wouldn't be fair to the man. So there are all good reasons as for why I shouldn't be a mother..
But having to wait for the surgery for until atleast next year... and then an additional 2 years... I'm cutting it extremely close to the biological clock.

I'm heartbroken. I don't know why I am. But I really am heartbroken that I will actually never be a mother. And I'm angry, I'm angry that everyone who caused me so much trauma that took away my life. Took away my dreams of my career, took away the chance of being loved properly and took away the chance to be a mom.

Questions/Suggestions/Comments / Internal server error
« on: April 24, 2018, 07:31:39 PM »
I keep getting this error message when I mark something as unread

"Internal Server Error
The server encountered an internal error or misconfiguration and was unable to complete your request.

Please contact the server administrator at to inform them of the time this error occurred, and the actions you performed just before this error.

More information about this error may be available in the server error log.

Additionally, a 500 Internal Server Error error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request."

Sleep Issues / Restless sleep, nightmares and night terrors
« on: April 23, 2018, 06:29:20 AM »
I don't know if it's part of the cPTSD, or if it's just me and my vivid imagination.
But I keep having hectic dreams. Stressful, restless, vivid dreams. Although I remember some of them (I used to remember them all), i can't use my words to re-tell them.
But everytime I wake up I feel worn out. Like I've been working all night. And part of me probably has, but it's quite infuriating. I am very dependant on sleep. Even just a short week with worse quality than usual is enough to set me spinning in the wrong direction.

If it werent for the fact I'm driving almost everyday this week, I'd take my anxiety medication before sleep to see if I'll have calmer dreams. But I can't drive the next 24/hrs if i do take it. Which is really annoying.

Anyone have any experience with changing your dreams to less hectic ones?

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