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The past year inparticular, my Lady L, have tried to make me explain why I have no sense of self worth, or rather why everyone else, and I mean everyone else has more worth than I. And how others are deserving of good things happening to them. I know this is connected with my traumas of being bullied for so many, many years as well as r* and SA by partner during my teenage years and adult life. But the idea it self had to start somewhere, right? And I think I know where it came from. It came from mom.

It's the second time my mom has told me that when I was young suddenly everychild were supposed to be praised for the things they did, and to get diplomas and medals for "just participating". She has forgotten that this is not quite true, I didn't get medals for things by just participating - perhaps this was more when my sister started growing up (she's 5 years younger). My mom wouldn't have anything of it, because she was terrified that we would become conceited and arrogant. So she didn't praise us, only whenever we did something exceeding expectations - while here's the problem. We were ordinary kids, we weren't above the average, so we rarely if ever exceeded any expectations. So, praise and compliments where few and far apart. And I think I translated that into the fact I'm simply not good enough. So it doesn't matter how much effort I put into anything, as long as it doesn't exceed expectations, I'm not worthy. So I don't deserve the good things, because I don't exceed. And when that was my foundation beneath being bullied and being manipulated, groomed and abused by people outside my family - it was a breeding ground for removing everything to do with self-worth.

I feel sad, hurt and neglected. I feel that my mother was more concerned about "protecting" me from being conceited than seeing what I needed as a child from her. She didn't see me, and she still doesn't. She struggles between acknowledging that I'm an adult with my own responsibilities and the fact that I might know more on a subject than her. So whenever I try to tell her that I know more than her on this subject, her voice gets more intense, louder and she shoots me down. Because I'm wrong, and she's right. And again, my opinions and knowledge doesn't account for anything.
I think this is also how I learned to not listen to compliments, they don't belong to me. When people give me compliments I translate it into they are lying. Because what they are saying simply are not true. I am not worthy of compliments. I can't feel their honesty and their earnest, I don't believe it's me they are talking about. I really don't. So the compliments just fall off me like raindrops on a heavy raincoat.

I suppose knowledge is the first step of fixing something, but this is something I don't know how to move forward with. How do I change the fundamental truth about my reality?

Last day of Identity group today. We were doing summaries, and we were talking about the concept of Front Stage and Back stage.
Front stage is an important part of a person, it will help with protecting oneself from intrusions into the back stage life of ones identity. Ones secrets, fears, emotions etc. We all have a front stage and a back stage, it's about being aware about when we are where. the ideal part is to use both intermittently.

For me, I don't really know my own backstage, it has glimpses outwards sometimes. Glimpses I feel I cannot control, and makes me realize that is part of me too. My backstage is hazy, blurry, often colourless. I mean, i know some of my secrets. I know what I keep from others. And that I don't trust people. but what I don't know is my value-set. The backstage values, which one of those are mine? Which ones I'm just borrowing from others because the sound of them sounds nice?
The front stage me, is very much me. I don't do fake-me. I don't do fake it til I make it, I don't believe in that. I can put in an effort and smile more and hide my true thoughts about something/someone - but that's to spare them feeling bad and me from getting into a conflict.

Getting past the ramblings; I have a nagging suspicion that in order to get in true contact with my emotions, with how I truly feel about the trauma's, the past events, about understanding how I felt back then. In order to work through the trauma's and move past them, I need to connect with myself. True and proper. Head, mind, soul, heart and body. They need to connect - to belong together as a unity. Like a tree with various roots and branches connected to one strong core. Right now I'm a weed, a bird, a shrubbery, a maggot... They are all in need of eachother to preserve the ecology - but they are consuming eachother, rather than working on the same page.
I need me to start working on the same page!

And I don't know how. I really, really don't know how to do that. How to allow my emotions to BE. To feel them. Everytime I stop up and take a moment I end up feeling nothing. I sense nothing. When I check in, slowly and purposefully for any physical or emotional sign there is just silence. And then when I give up and resume whatever activity I'm doing, be it social or anything else... I either dissociate or I am bombarded with sensations but I have no means to analyze them or recognize them, or even observe them. The moment I turn my attention to it again - it hides.
It's like playing whack-a-mole with myself. And how the * do I win at this game?

I'm not sure where this actually fits in, but I feel I should address it anyway.

Some years ago I joined many online classes for alot of various things. But one of them I got quite involved in the community, and I made myself noticed by the leader and owner of the class and when he was starting up a new course he asked me to help out to be a kind of point-person between a few different teams and as well be part of one of the teams. It was HUGE for me. I admired this charismatic and passionate man alot. He gave us some pointers that if we noticed any negativity or backtalk amongst the users we weren't to handle that, but to bring it to him or one of the people who worked for him. We weren't hired, simply we got a few goods for free for doing this for him. And we all jumped at the chance.  So I did notice someone being negative and spreading their negativity around and backtalking alittle bit. So I mentioned it to the leader, he had a talk with the person in particular - and then he lashed out at me. I had overstepped my duties, this wasn't okay. I was shocked. I had done spesifically what he had asked of me, and then he yelled at me.  Me being terrified of conflict backed down immediatedly. I barely dared to talk to him anymore. I didn't understand where this outbreak had come from. It broke my confidence quite a bit. I put my head down and I did my job. After that summer, once I'd processed it - I realized his outburst towards me took away his shine for me. I continued to stay around for a while longer. I'd made quite a few friends.
Years later now, I've been told by one of my friends that he really isn't any good. I'm not going to write what he's been doing, and how he's been doing it.
And it made me realize: I got away from this one. At one point, I could have been a member of his employees, but I got away. I didn't realize at the time how fortunate I was. Something in me recognized him for what he is, someone rotten to the core. And I stepped away. Now this was mainly all online (Although I've met with him in real life on two occations) - which makes it easier to step away from the screen and react to what's happening.

The second time is more recent. There was two people in my lives, seperate from each other, but with similar attitudes and behaviour.
They would tell a huge lie, one that  wouldn't make any sense. And you'd know it right off the bat, but I felt I couldn't call them out on it because they are (according to them) trauma victims (and they might very well be - I'm not the one to judge that. I also don't know their story). They would seek out attention time and time and time again, they would get moody and blameful when things weren't going exactly their way and turn the room dark and strained. One of them would boast on their criminal past (why is that something to boast about?). It was confusing, and my gut feeling kept telling me something is very, very off here. So I stepped away. In both cases I've had people tell me their gut feelings was telling them something was off too.

None of these people are the kinds I tend to fall "prey" too, but regardless of that, I still think it must be some kind of progress to notice when there are people around me that aren't good to others, they are toxic and in the first example an abusive N.

This is something that's bothered me for many , many years.
But I rarely ever find anything funny. When I watch a funny movie with friends or watch a stand up show or something and everyone else around me is laughing their asses off - all I ever do at most is chuckle, but mainly I just smile.

Sometimes I just don't find it funny, and sometimes I just don't find it funny enough to be falling flat on my *.

Could this be because of the cPTSD monster, or is it just simply my make-up?

I do smile, I smile too much. I smile the most when I am scared and nervous. I chuckle at me or the "threat" to make things lighter. I smile too much in therapy, I squirm and I smile and I push things away.

Under the sub-title "When problems are really solutions" Bessel van der kolk talks about how obesity can become a solution for someone with SA based traumas. He writes, and I quote:

Felitti points out that obesity, which is considered a major public health problem, may in fact be a personal solution for many. Consider the implications: If you mistake someone's solution for a problem to be eliminated, not only are they likely to fail treatment, as often happens in addiction programs, but other problems may emerge. One female rape victim told Felitti, "Overweight is overlooked, and that's the way I need to be."

I have said in the past to my GP that I have a part inside of me who has to keep the weight up because the more disgusting I am, the lesser of a chance will it be to become R* again.
And that voice is so deeply hidden that I don't consciously hear it, because all I ever hear is Shame taking to me and telling me I am revolting and I need to work harder to lose weight.

Its a few days ago since I read this passage but it stays with me. I fear I cannot beat the monster of excess weight before I've tackled the traumas around it. But I don't know how to do that. And although I have my T and my SA lady, this... Is not something that I talk about. Everytime food and me come up for conversation I deflect. I change the subject. I don't always notice what I am doing, but it's been pointed out to me that this is hard.

I wish I had someone I trusted deeply to force me to talk about this. I am hoping that by writing here it is one step closer to the right path and hopefully it won't toss me 180 degrees and head down the wrong path.

I've always heard that spa treatments and massages are so wonderful. It can be relaxing, freeing tension from sore muscles etc. I had reluctance in trying because you have to be pretty much naked.

But a few years ago I decided to treat myself to one. (My mental health was stable at the time. I wasn't doing great, but I was managing) prior to the massage I spent two hours relaxing in various swimming pools with various degrees. The massage was a full body, and as I was getting it I felt I was in heaven. It was amazing, reliving and energy inducing. I was sure she was giving me the luxury package and not the one I paid for.

It lasted until I got home. When I got home I was filled with such agony I was twisting on the floor in fetal position. For hours. My (at the time) bf sent me to the emergency room in panic because I was screaming out load and became incoherent. I didn't get home until 6in the morning the next day. They gave me painkillers and muscle relaxants. I always thought it was because the massage was such a shock treatment to my muscles who have been tense for over 20+ years and they couldn't deal with it.

This all happened before I was diagnosed with cPTSD

Anyone else had similar experiences?

Hi!
I was wondering, is it possible to unfollow threads that I've commented on?
Occationally some threads that I initially posts on change topic, or they become slightly triggering for me to read - so I was wondering if it'd be possible to add a button to unfollow a thread? 

[radically]

I wasn't sure if I'd make a thread of it's self on this topic, or to simply write it in my journal. It might end up being a bit long, and for that I'm sorry - and I hope you'll bear with me. They say this is an important step in recovery - so I thought I'd try and share.

In DBT group today the subject was about 'Radical Accpetance'. Radical means with your entire self (mind, body and heart), and acceptance... Well, I guess it means acknowledging something, or approve of it. In DBT therapy they use this as a skill to deal with difficult situations - to accept the situation to reduce suffering, despite not liking the situation or removing the pain. They showed a video of a former patient talking about this, she says that for her this was the key to unlocking her recovery - that after that point things became easier. She felt more emotionally free. It didn't take away her pain, but her prolongued suffering.  It's the third time I'm having this topic in group, and it's not getting any easier. I have such a huge resistance to this topic.

I find it near impossible to radically accept alot of things. Example; I find it hard to radically accept if I'm late for something - that I am late. I acknowledge that I'm late, but I blame myself for it. "should have left earlier", "should have taken a different route", "should have planned better".  Or

Trigger warning
I can't radically accept the SA, the r*, the grooming and the manipulation.
Trigger warning end

Because it makes me feel like I have to approve of these actions. It makes me feel that I should be okay that it happened. And eventhough a big part of me says that I didn't (and still don't) deserve better, I can't approve or accept it. Another patient in group today said she thought that it is my pain that is talking. She might be right, that my resistance in this topic comes from my pain. That it would be too much to bear to accept it. I feel that I somehow are missing the key point, that I'm misunderstanding something. But everytime they try to explain - I feel that blockage. I try, and try to keep an open mind - but I really can't do it.

How do you guys feel about radical acceptance? If someone has worked through this - what was the turning point for you?

Yesterday I logged into an old, abandoned social media account. I left it due to the amount of toxic and abusive people I have on my friendlist there (There are reason why I didn't unfriend them and deleted the account - but that's for another topic). I thought I was ready to deactivate the account, I had recieved alot of messages on that account - some important, but one... from the wife of my last r*ist. She too caused me alot of pain, she's manipulative and were grooming me. I expected there'd be messages there from her, but I didn't expect it to be so recent. The last one was from March.
I haven't read a single one of them, due to her knowing then that I've read them and not replied. My heart stopped beating, and I started sweating. And the familiar voice of Paranoia reared it's ugly head. BUT!
But instead of freaking out completely - I logged out. And I decided to watch a tv-series instead. It took me a few hours before I managed to do anything else. But previously when they've contacted me (which isn't so long ago), the entire week is ruined. And my paranoia gets really activated and intense and I get self-destructive.
This time... the emotions didn't overwhelm me.
I still feel nauseous when thinking of it (and writing about it here), I still look around me when I walk out the door - just in case. And I'm worn out.  But this time around, it didn't control me.

I also told my therapist today, I met her in the hallway when I was heading for group. And she gave me a high five, and told me the news made her very happy. And it made me happy that she was happy. (although, that's something entirely different thing again).

But yeah, this is big.

Dear Sceal - Dear Someone.

I was warned that trauma therapy would be hard. I was asked if I were truly ready, and I replied I can't possible know that before i'm in the middle of it.  Right now, I fear I've only just begun. I need you to be strong, but most of all I need you to be brave.

Brenè Brown says that bravery and the step towards wholehearted living is by daring greatly to be vulnerable. And that is what I need to do. I need to dare greatly to feel the emotions that pulses through me, to listen to the thoughts and the voices that whispers in my mind. I need to examine and dare to ask questions and be curious.  I need to dare to let go of my judgements and pre-conceptions that have helped me to survive. I need to dare to say "thank you" to my past me, for surviving the best way I could.
I need to dare to forgive myself and put the blame where it belongs instead of carrying it all on my own - because that's easier, safer.

Dear Sceal - Dear someone.

This is a reminder,  that things are yet to become harder - more painful as I dig through the trenches. But, I need to work through it and not get lost in the swamp-land of shame, guilt and self-hatred. I need to walk through and out the other end.

I got a little bit uncertain as to where this post should be, please move it if i chose the wrong section.

Yesterday I had a full day at a hospital 1.5hr drive away from town. It was an information day in regards to weight loss surgery. I'm still quite ashamed about it, but I don't have much of a choice anymore. First I got the news that, if it hadn't been for my trauma therapy I would have gotten the surgery now, before the summer. But my T thinks I need to wait, I can't do both at the same time. She's smart, and I did choose therapy over surgery - so in a way I guess I'm smart too. But there is a part of me who has been waiting for this surgery for a very long time, and it hurts that I can't just do it now and get it overwith. Start my new life, lose the weight so I can be less restricted..

But then another news came during the information day that was unexpected for me. Both the message and how deep it cut.
It is recommended that I do not get pregnant until at least 2 years after the surgery. I don't know when I'll actually get to take the surgery. I thought I had accepted a long time ago that children were not going to be a part of my life. Not children of my own anyway.  With my mental health I'm in no condition to care for a child as much as the child needs, not 24/7. I just aren't able to, and I don't want to neglect a baby/child because my own health can't deal. That wouldn't be fair. I know this. I believe this. I also am unable to have sex or intimacy. I can't date for this reason, so I'm alone. I am not ready, despite I hate the loneliness. The lack of sharing life with someone. But it wouldn't be fair to the man. So there are all good reasons as for why I shouldn't be a mother..
But having to wait for the surgery for until atleast next year... and then an additional 2 years... I'm cutting it extremely close to the biological clock.

I'm heartbroken. I don't know why I am. But I really am heartbroken that I will actually never be a mother. And I'm angry, I'm angry that everyone who caused me so much trauma that took away my life. Took away my dreams of my career, took away the chance of being loved properly and took away the chance to be a mom.

I keep getting this error message when I mark something as unread

"Internal Server Error
The server encountered an internal error or misconfiguration and was unable to complete your request.

Please contact the server administrator at webmaster@cptsd.org to inform them of the time this error occurred, and the actions you performed just before this error.

More information about this error may be available in the server error log.

Additionally, a 500 Internal Server Error error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request."

I don't know if it's part of the cPTSD, or if it's just me and my vivid imagination.
But I keep having hectic dreams. Stressful, restless, vivid dreams. Although I remember some of them (I used to remember them all), i can't use my words to re-tell them.
But everytime I wake up I feel worn out. Like I've been working all night. And part of me probably has, but it's quite infuriating. I am very dependant on sleep. Even just a short week with worse quality than usual is enough to set me spinning in the wrong direction.

If it werent for the fact I'm driving almost everyday this week, I'd take my anxiety medication before sleep to see if I'll have calmer dreams. But I can't drive the next 24/hrs if i do take it. Which is really annoying.

Anyone have any experience with changing your dreams to less hectic ones?

I wrote yesterday that I'm taking a break from the forum, yet I find myself starting a new journal. I might still be on a break, or atleast a half-break. I find myself so worn out everytime I log in and start reading. It's affecting me, yet I want to stay. Perhaps just smaller bites? We'll see.

I think it is time to start a new journal - the other one... I don't know. I just don't like it anymore. I can't promise that this journal will be better, by that I mean, that I will feel it better represents the true me. (Although, that is a scary concept to write about online).

I'm taking a step back.

I am trying to learn about dissociation. But each time I think I got a handle on it, I realize I don't.  I ask some more questions, and I'm back to not understanding anything!

The basic's I get. That the Person has fragmented parts. Sometimes called Apparent Normal Person and Emotional Person.
And that the fragmented parts occured due to being part of, or witnessing an event that was/is too overwhelming or threatening to deal with. So the ANP fragments the experience into an EP so the ANP doesn't have to deal with it, or a way to protect the Self from harm. Kind of. And therefor has little or no memory of it.  This makes sense to the logical part of me, the academic part of me. And I guess to a degree the emotional part of me.

Also everyone dissociate to a lesser degree. Apparently. Fade out, temporarily loss of focus. Zombiefied, or whatnot.

But what I don't understand is this: How do I know that I'm dissociating if my ANP can't remember or tell that I am dissociating?
When I've been described the controlling EP version, I feel it sounds alot similar to an Inner Critic. Is it the same? If not, then what is the difference? And is inner children a form of dissociation? If so, then how is the ANP aware of them?  And how can you intergrate your EP's if your ANP doesn't want to accept or confront or realize that there are EP's?
And if I aren't dissociating when I "fade out" and lose track of time, be it a few minutes to a few hours - then what is that? Some other form of defence mechanism?

and so many other questions. I realize that these are all questions I should ask my T. But everytime I ask for more information I just get more confused. I've heard that Ellert Nijenhuis is a leading person within dissociation. I just learned his name so I haven't explored his webpage yet. But I'm also scared to, because my brain isn't ready to do more academic reading. It really isn't.

I wrote in my journal that I regressed to the age of 14 in a recent therapy session and for me that was peculiar. The dissociation was different than what it normally tends to go. I've concluded it's because it was a different trigger. I also wrote in my journal that my T is trying to teach me about dissociation. And I was l just lying in bed thinking about things. And I started to write down a lengthy explanation for a question when something occurred to me.

I regressed to the age of 14 because I was scared. My pattern of behaviour became the same as when I started seeing things that weren't real. I waited for other people to react, to speak, to think, to have an opinion before I had one. I needed at that time to not gain attention. But I thought it weird... Surely I didn't start seeing things until I was 16-17? Right?  But then I remembered.
Around the age of 14 I would sometimes see the ceiling in the school building as noodles or spaghetti. I found it funny. I got some weird looks, but that wasn't unusual. But more than that, it was also the same time that we had the class of sexual education. What happened to me then, was that I hallucinated. My classmates became frogs and kangaroos.
I had forgotten about that.
But I guess I had a reason for why my brain stopped working properly when I was forced to sit down and talk about sex, so my brain did what it could to take me away from being present.

I am not quite sure under which board I should place this. It fits here, in my journal, in "just a difficult day", progress, set back... The lot!
But mainly, it has to do with my relationship with others. Primarily my parents, or rather - my mother. (This is a bit long, I'm sorry. But it was just alot, and trying to avoid writing many threads)

It was the opening of the gallery show today. I've been waiting quite a long time for it, and for a time I forgot it was happening because it always seemed to happen in the next few months. But it was today. It isn't my first art exhibition where I participate, it's the 6th. But it is the first one which is not affiliated with a school or course work. This was all on my own. I sent it in to be judged, and the jury accepted both my entrees. I had invited my dad to come, and he had by definition invited my mom to come too. They both were excited. I invited a few others too, but they had declined - they couldn't make it today - when I invited them.
Half an hour before the opening I call my mom, asking if what their plan was. She said she didn't have any plan. So I asked if she wasn't coming. To which she replied she'd forgotten. She didn't realize it was today. Eventhough I reminded her just a few days ago. I felt dissapointed, and I felt I shouldn't be. This is unusual for her, to dismiss me like this. She did sound earnest while expressing regret. I suppose it's why it hurt more. My father was stuck at work away from the city - the transport had been delayed a day. He was supposed to return yesterday ( it was out of his control).  While I was talking on the phone I got a text message from my roommate, he'd lost track of time and wasn't able to make it either.

I felt alone. Unimportant. Like I wasn't important enough to write it down in their schedule or put on alarm. I'm not in alot of contact with my emotions these days, so the hurt was muted. But it activated my anxiety. I had to go face these people alone. These unknown people, other artists, go into a room... What did I have to say? Nothing. What if no one came? The last one wasn't a problem at all. I was standing a few doors down from the gallery door, collecting myself before daring to walk over. I was a few minutes late, but figured the speech would be a few minutes after opening too. I was wrong, but mainly because the gallery was PACKED. I couldn't get in the door before after the speech. So I didn't get to listen in to the speech. I got social anxiety, and being in a small room full of people I have no knowledge of, with only one exit.. It's nightmareish for me. But I did it.
I walked in, I had told them I'd be there - so I felt obligated. I couldn't walk back on my word.

And who do I see there? A former/current/unknwon status friend. The one who I wrote about in another thread (the tent-stealing friend - for those who read about that). She saw me and rescued me in my bewliderment for a brief moment. I am apprechiative of that. I talked to a few of the staff, because they approached me. I was so full of anxiety I wasn't able to ask them good or interessting questions, or come with things to say at all.

It was alot.

I only stayed for 30 minutes. I couldn't last longer. I just, it was too much. And I was too alone. I was too anxious.
I did actually pat myself on the shoulder for walking in the door. But I feel no accomplishment. None. I feel nothing. Just weariness.

My dad called me two hours later, saying he was sorry he missed it, but he couldn't do anything about the transportation. He would like to see it though, before it's gone.

Thank you all for reading through all of this. I know it's long.

(Not sure if this goes here or under the Research part of the forum. )

So I was reading an article at a university paper today and I came across an article about PDM-2.
It's a diagnosis system seperate from both ICD-10(11) and DSM-V.  PDM is short for psychodynamic diagnostic manual.
I couldn't find the actual manual, other than the offer to buy the book.

But on one of the articles I found ABOUT PDM it said:

In summary, the PDM aims to detect and describe patients' characteristic mental experiences, thereby increasing the capability of clinicians to relieve the psychological distress of the distinctly individual patients who seek their help. It attempts to restore the connection between deep understanding and treatment, without the requirements of other diagnostic systems that they be useful for demographic studies, billing, institutional record-keeping, syndromal research, and other ancillary uses of diagnostic labels.

And I find that interessting!  I thought I'd share it with you guys, maybe it is something who could have use for this. Though, if someone has access to the booklet in itself. I'd love to hear what it says about  trauma related things.

Here's the article I quoted from : https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4471982/

I was sitting on the bus. Pretty worn out, as I am these days.
And my phone started vibrating. There's not alot of people who call me, so I looked at it kind of surprised and I saw it was a number that I haven't put in my phone book. I started sweating, became nauseated. My first thoughts were
"Who is this?.... They've found me. They are going to punish me. They are out to get me!"

I stopped using my social media profile over a year ago, I made a new one. Both on Facebook, twitter and Instagram. And I changed my phone number about a month ago. Very few people has it. Only the most important people got my new number. So who is trying to call me?! I know that there is a high chance that it was just some random person calling the wrong number, or looking for someone else. But I had a full blown out panic attack. Hypervigilant, the voices came back, tension and my paranoia. I've had more and more paranoid thoughts lately. I texted a tech savvy friend and asked if he could look into it to me. He did, he found somone in a different city. But, still it's no guarantee.
They are everywhere. They might be trying to get a hold of me through someone else. It's quite possible!  It doesn't help I noticed they are having a public event near my university soon. And I can't remember the date, and I'm too afraid to look the event up, incase I get too triggered. So I'm stuck.