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A,

It's ages ago now, but I haven't forgotten you.
We met the day we both started school. Excited and nervous for who our new classmates were going to be.
For you, I think it must have been easier. You came from the mountainside afterall, where 97% of the kids lived. You'd grown up in the same streets as them. Probably played with them weekly.
For me, I came from the lake. There was no one else in our class from my street. I guess, that alone made me an easy target.

You bullied me.
You pushed, bit, kicked, punched, spat and put itchy powder down my clothes.
You made sure I had no friends for long stretches of time during primary school. You made sure I was always picked last, and made sure that I was always afraid of recess and of leaving at the end of the day. And you cleverly made it so that no one noticed. Not enough anyway, to be corncerned.
You made my stomach and head hurt. You made learning difficult for me, despite the fact that I loved to learn.
You weren't alone, but this isn't about the others. This is about you and me.

I know you had it hard. You had parents who severely neglected you, and brothers who weren't very nice to you. You didn't have any rolemodels, and you had such an excess amount of nervous energy. You were hurting too, you were wounded. You needed to be loved. Why no one called the children's services to help you, I do not understand. You would have had a better life, and in return... So would I have. And I am sorry that none of the adults in our lives didn't do anything about the hurt you were so obviously going through.

You took all the energy from the teachers, you were disruptive and never did as you were told. You were the class joker. And you loved the attention it got you, because at home you got nothing.

After primary school the entire class had to change school, as the rural school we went to only had kids up to 11-12 years of age. In our new school we were seperated into seperate classes. And I don't really know how those 3 years went for you. But they were better without you for me. I was still scared though. And once those 3 years were over, again we changed schools. Or rather, I'm not sure if you did continue your education. I did.

I met you on the busstop once, it was uncomfortable. And I think you noticed. I think you felt ashamed. Because the next time you saw me, on the bus way back from town, you sat down next to me.. And you apologized.
You sincerely apologized. No one forced you, no one told you it was something you should do. You could have ignored me and we both would have gone different ways. But you didn't.
I accepted it. Not fully, but to give you relief. I was old enough at this stage to know the stories of your childhood troubles. I knew you had suffered too. It wasn't okay what you had done to me, but I understood.

Years passed again, and I never saw you again. And I never will.

The newspaper told about a young man who had escaped from prison, and the police was hoping people would tell them were you were. But no one did. It took them two months to find you, but by then it was too late. You had died.
I'm not sure if you overdosed, but they found you close to where we both grew up, by the side of the road, hidden in the snow.
Our classmates mourned you. I did not.

I am sorry your life was so harsh, that you never had a good oportunity to enjoy the good sides of life.  I really am.

Your wounds have scarred. And the scars are visible, I feel them in my everyday. The seed of insecurity you put in me, grew and grew like wildfire. I don't know how to end this. I think about you today, and I don't quite know why.

But I think I am ready to fully forgive you.

[(actually)]

I have had alot of support from you guys throughout the last few months. And many has commented over and over again that I've been making progress. It hasn't always felt like that. In-fact, it didn't feel like that at all. It felt like I was in the middle of the battle, with little hope of getting out.  But my deepest, most heartfelt thank you for you all who's been cheering me on, supporting me and listening to me. 

But the last week(s?) have given me tiny droplets of hints that I have made progress. I was reminded in DBT group today that we also need to practice our skills at smaller steps and not only in the bigger conversations/situations. To me the examples I've brought back to group has been big, but not impossible obstacles. I find it harder to find the smaller steps to take. The smaller moments to practice on. We were talking about dialectic thought towards issues. And an example they used was "Bugger all, it's such awful weather outside" - "but that makes even better to be inside"

I wrote a few months ago about the girl who took my tent "hostage" and gave me silent treatment because I set boundaries and wasn't open to do her a big favour. There's been very little progress. Until today. Today I had the courage to text her telling her I would be in her area of town tomorrow afternoon and I intend to pick up my tent. If it is an inconveniance for her, she would have to deliver it to me next week.  I felt brave. Nervous. Determined. Terrified.  Hours later she (actually) replied. She would be out that day, but she'd leave a key and leave the tent in the hallway. VICTORY! I get my tent back - AND I don't have to face her.

Another thing I managed to do, was to stand up infront of 8 strangers saying I will not be able to participate in holding a mini lecture for our class at uni. That it was not the time or place for me to practice exposure therapy - I actually said it. I was filled with fear, shame, nausea. but I did it. And they accepted it.

I am more present and aware. I dissociate less - and I don't mind.

I did manage to tell my T what I need in therapy. And I did tell her I need HER help to get through it.

I am currently (hopefully I wont forget) aware that these are major victories for me. And I did them without  holding anyone's hand, or seeking council with anyone right before the actions were made.


P.S I know, I know! I am supposed to keep it to a few paragraphs as possible... I am just finding it really hard to do these days.  (Sorry!  )

My T talked about dissociation briefly a few months ago, when I called her in distress one day.
I had found myself in the middle of the forest, with no memory of heading up there. I remember I was heading towards town, I was inteded to go swim before class I think. What I was doing after I actually can't recall, but I had some other appointment in town. I remember I was a little late and had to drive half-way to the busstop. I had parked the car and on the other side of the street there was a man in a big black coat. Next thing I "woke up" in the forest.  My T said she suspected my flight responce had been triggered to such an extent it was the only thing that was "awake" and it took me into the forest as it's a place I tend to feel safe and it was nearby.
I was gone, according to the time for about 1.5 hour. I felt disconnected for the rest of the day. I was present, but disconnected. Like it was a filter between me and the rest of the world.

It's not like I wasn't aware that I sometimes ended up in places and couldn't remember how I'd gotten there, or why I'd walked into this or that room. Or that I sometimes "floated" away from the present and went somewhere, no where in spesific. But it hadn't created any obvious problems for me, and people have been used to me being weird so no one has ever commented on me spacing out.

When I was at the SA center recently I mentioned hearing voices and the lady got really interessted. And when I asked why, she said because she was taking an extra education within dissociation. And I asked her how that was relevant, and she said it had everything to do with dissociation. She asked about the voices, I told her about two of them. The ones who has been most active. The man, whom I call Sev. I know it's not his name, but he doesn't mind. And the girl. The girl, she doesn't say much - if anything. I can't remember her talking to me. They have been with me since I was a child. As a child and teenager I just thought of them as my imaginary friends. The ones (healthy and otherwise) children have when they are kids making up stories, I just figured mine never went away. She talked about ANP and EP, and I will have to look them up properly and learn more. I  just haven't been in a clear state of mind to do so. But it made me consider that the reason why I can't do certain things is because of the EP's.

And are the EP's the voices, or are they different?

I looked into the information thread here, and roughly skimmed through the articles. And one of them had a checklist on dissociation
( https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/dissociation )
"Feeling compelled to behave in a certain way"
This one is a scary concept to me. I don't know what to make of it. I've been apart of things that was against my values, and which I feel so ashamed of I cannot talk about it. And I am wondering... did I do it because of a dissociative symptom? Did I do it because I was manipulated and groomed to do it? Was it both? Was it me being too afraid to say no, out of fear that I'd be in real trouble?
Or the scariest question of it all... Was it the "healthy" me? And am I looking for excuses?
If it was a byproduct of dissociation, grooming, manipulation, flight/flight/fawn/freeze - is it then an excuse... or am I not to blame?

If anyone has followed this long post to the end, I really apprechiate it. These are questions I don't yet dare ask people in my life. So I ask them here, in anonymity.

[trigger warnings]

This is an animation that takes a child's perspective of SA, I think it was made to give children a voice, and to show children that they don't have to keep it a secret. I wish it had existed when I was a child.
I found it quite heartwarming, and it made me cry in a good way.
I'd say it contains trigger warnings, but I thought maybe some of you would apprechiate it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hycLwSF2etA&feature=youtu.be

I was at the SA center today, talking with my contact person there. We talked about many things, but mostly my current situation, frustration and worries. And I realised I had needed to talk about that to someone like her.
At the end of the conversation we talked about hearing voices. She said she didn't know I heard them and asked a few more questions in relation to that. Actually, she's the first one to ask me so many questions. Most T's have just asked me if they are a bother, what do they say, when did it start, are they present now? and let's put you on drugs.  Anyway, I answered her questions to the best of my ability. I asked what it had to do with dissociation. And she explained that it had everything to do with dissociation. I didn't know that. I thought it was just a thing that happened. Some biochemical reaction in my brain acting funny, or whatever else it might be. She told me about ANP and ENP. We're going to talk more about it next time.

But after I left, I felt uplifted. I felt I had hope for the first time in what feels a long time. And I thought about it. I think maybe it's why I am unable to talk about things that are emotionally triggering. Because when I was younger I wasn't allowed to show vulnerability.
It was probably me who didn't allow myself the vulnerability, but I've heard it said to me through the voices so many times over and over and over the years. "Don't cry" "Don't show them what you feel" "Don't draw attention to yourself" And similar things.
It doesn't solve the problem. But now I might know what's causing the problem. I'd say that's a big step.

Also, it makes me think of myself as a chameleon. Trying to fit in, be a rock, be approved of, and never showing the vulnerable parts of me.

A few months ago my T brought up the fact that I rarely could tell her what I had been doing the last week since our last sessions. Or that I couldn't remember why I had been feeling such big amounts of emotions on the score card. So we delved into the world of dissociation.
I was to practice to be more present. To write down how present I had been for the day. Some days were left blank, some with a questionmark. But steadily the number from 0-5 increased. (5 being present all the time, or most of the time).  I still fade away, or rather there are still gaps in my everyday life I don't recall. I struggle to remember which day it is and such. And I have to write down cheat words for what happened on which day. To sort it out.

But, and I know I should celebrate this, I am more aware of the things going on around me. I don't automatically "flee" mentally as I've been prone to. But there are times where I dearly wish I could just escape from. 

I got a gallery show coming up next year. I'm supposed to do 3 art work until 18th of January. I've only so far been able to complete one of them.

The theme of the gallery show is fairytale and myths in related to psychiatric illness. It's a galleryshow for artists with mental illnesses.
I just wanted to ask you guys if you could tell me what you thought of my first edition.
It's made in charcoal. And the photo doesn't give an exact resemblance. The background is merging more together with the shadow on the real drawing.

I'm not going to interact for a while on this forum.  You've all been very supportive, and I'm very grateful for that.
I just need to take an extra step back for a while. Maybe all I need is a few more days, maybe it'll be longer. I don't know.
I wish you all the very best! Big hug all around.

I came across a study a few months ago (alas, not in English) that was about how orange light affects people with Borderline PD.
It talks about how the orange light during the evening and night instead of the regular blue light that comes off from TV, computer, mobile phones and most lightbulbs has an effect on sleep. Especially for those with borderline PD during their manic phases they struggle with sleep, and they were testing out whether orange light would have an effect on them and ultimatedly be able to make them use less drugs. It seems to be a promising study.

But what is more interessting to me, and maybe to you guys, is that they are now doing a different study in regards to orange light and depression. Many of us here suffer from depression in periods alongside our cPTSD. And there is hope that orange light might be a help to prevent/lessen the depression and also improve sleep. ( I mean, I bet we've all heard "don't watch tv, be on the pc or use your phone the last hour before bedtime", and let's be real... how many of us actually follows this rule? Few.)

I was trying to find a link to an english article about it. But suddenly there were bunch of research on all sorts of coloured lights. Blue, Green, Yellow and Orange for different purposes. And I got lost in the sea. It's also past my bedtime here...  But I was thinking of you guys and thought maybe some of you would like to look into to it.


P.S I know there's a thread about SAD and I found one article regarding coloured light and SAD. I haven't properly read it though, but thought I'd share it anyway:   http://www.sad.org.uk/effective-orange-light-treating-sad/

Hi there!

About a year ago a friend of mine linked me the page of a therapist in the USA.
It's not really about CPTSD, but often about trauma. And I kind of like having a wider-aspect of looking at articles and things that can help. She talks alot about trauma and using superheroes to get through the rough stuff.
The therapist herself is a survivor of the Chernobyl accident in 1986, and develloped PTSD from it and other things.
If you're a geek like me, I think you'll like her:

http://www.superhero-therapy.com/

[that]

Dear Society,

I have so much I want to say to you, yet it feels futile.
It feels futile because you wont actually listen. You'll glaze over the moment I start to talk, because I am a woman. And more than that I have several diagnosises. You'll pat me on the head when I'm done as if I were a child you were only entertaining for 5 minutes and then you'd go on, and do your poor behaviour once more.

I've followed the #metoo campaign in my own home country, and what started to be a campaign for victims to speak out against SA, it has turned into harrassment. Sexual harrassment is a problem, it's the surface of the ice-berg of the problems in society. It shows what kind of attitude a person has, what kind of judgement they throw around themselves in different given situations.  There is a problem when men, in-particular older men, say at a big business dinner to another man as a woman is leaving "Are you letting the women leave? Who are then going to pleasure us?" and when a woman calls out saying that's not okay the community (including other women) say collectivily "It wasn't meant like that. Have some humour".  It is a problem. It take destroys boundaries.  And as important as harrassment is, it has now taken the light away from the victims of actual sexual abuse. It's avverted the problem away from what we don't like to talk about, to something less "dirty". To something that we can say "Have a laugh, don't be so stiff about it all.".

And, if this all happened to you, Society. To your daughter, sister, son, brother, lover... Would you then laugh?

No, then you can be outraged. Then you demand to be listened to. But here's the kicker, because you didn't listen to us... We wont listen to you. You'll become mute, alone and shunned the way you first did it.

I haven't engaged in this campaign, because I don't have a voice. I'm a long-term psychiatric patient. I'm a white, middle class woman from a very gender equal country. I haven't engaged because I don't want this to define me for the rest of my life. My story is my own to tell, it's the only part that I got left that I can control. You will all have your opinions anyway, judge me. Break me down, make sure I wont be able to climb up the whole in where I'm at. Still, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I don't join my voice alongside the thousands of women and men who's suffered at the hands of you, and still do. I feel guilty that I don't do more to prevent this from happening to others. I feel guilty that I can't educate people of all ages, young as well as middle and old age, that their actions, thoughts and judgement has consequences that are heartbreaking and lifedevestating. You laugh at all of us who are on wellfare. You call us scumbags, liars, lazy son's and daughter's of *"#¤. Yet you forget to take your own responsibility in partaking of this all. You forget it was you who put us here, you who took our future away from us. It was you who are still denying us the growth and safety we need so we can actually participate and have a meaningful life.

!¤%!" you, Society.

Why cant I just "let go"?
Why cant it stay in the past? Why do I have to keep worrying if and when the next time is?
Why cant I talk about it?

Today I am safe. Why wont my mind and body accept this?

The group leader at the DBT group today recommended a podcast called All in the Mind, it's an australian production.

I found an episode that is about DID and trauma and thought of you guys and wanted to share.

Here is the link to the DID and dissociation session: http://podbay.fm/show/73330911/e/1488089100?autostart=1  (it's the only one I've listened to for now)

Here is a list of all the episodes: http://podbay.fm/show/73330911

I have a friend who calls herself narsicistic and laughs about it, so I can never tell if she's being serious about it or not. She is very self-centered though, but still she's had room in her heart to listen to my woes for a long time. Earlier this fall I borrowed her my one-man tent, and I would like it back now. It was a gift to me, and I am worried she wont give it back, or that she ruined it somehow. It might just be my paranoia talking.

Anyway, the conflict I had with her is that she wanted me to dogsit for her while she went on vacation. I hadn't actually said yes to this, I also had no clue when she was going to go. The morning of her leaving she told me she had a newly cleaned dog ready for me, and wondered when she could pick me up. Thing is, she wanted me to live at her place for the week. Which would double and triple my travel time for therapy and lectures. And I actually didn't want to do it, I wasn't doing so well at the time. So I said no. It wasn't a pleasant conversation over text messages. And ever since I've been scared of talking to her, and she hasn't contacted me either.

Again, I'd like my tent back. I don't know if she no longer consider me her friend or not. But I don't know how to reach out to her. I really don't. Fighting, arguing, and any forms of conflicts makes me fawn. I don't object, I do what I'm being told and so forth. So me saying no was a huge thing, and now I'm worried I lost my friend in the process.  Anyway... how do I phrase it?

"Hey, how are you? Been thinking of you. I was wondering if I could have my tent back, I'm packing all my camping equipment away for the season"

I don't know where to post this.
In my journal? Progress? Setback? General? Just a difficult day? Or just... all of the above...

I've known for a while my mental health hasn't been strong enough of capable enough of studying this semester, never the less actually taking the exam. I decided a few weeks ago that I needed to postpone it. Yet, I didn't log into the student webpage and cancel my exam. There's a time limit to it, you can cancel your exam up to two weeks before. So I just postponed.
Then I did some research, it turns out if I get a sick leave I can retake the exam at the beginning of next semester. And that way I could take another subject that semster instead of re-doing this one.

I wrote a pro-con list for both scenarios. Getting the sickleave and taking the exam in February/march and for re-doing the entire subject. I talked briefly with my T about this  a few weeks ago, and she was encouraging in me postponing the exam. But at that point I didn't know February/march was an option. I talked it over with one of the T's from the DBT group I'm in after group today.  She didn't tell me what to do, but she helped pointing out that it'll be less stress in the short term and long term if I re-do the subject.  And as I was sitting with her, I felt more and more nauseaus about thinking about doing the exam in Feb/march. So I decided. I am re-taking the entire subject next semester. I logged into the student webpage, clicked "withdraw", it asked me "Are you sure?!"  *, no I'm not sure. This might be a super stupid choice to make. And then I clicked yes.

Now? Now I feel like such a miserable failure. I should have just buckled up and pulled through. Stop complaining and sit up and just read til my eyes fall out and my brain turns to mush. Emotions be damned.
I am trying to remind myself that I made this choice so I can focus on my health.
Focus on therapy, on DBT, on my eating disorder, on lowering stress and expectation levels. Giving myself time to be compassionate, earn more focus and get out of the depresssion I'm currently fighting. Learning to stand up for myself and stop comparing myself to people with less debilitating struggles.
It's just.. heartbreaking that I couldn't do it. That I am my own demon in pursuing my dreams.

I ended up posting this in this section because I did something vital: I chose my health.
And that is progress, sort of, isn't it? Despite the conflicting emotions?

Thinking back on the last 12 months or so, I don't think I've been doing so well.
I've made progress, by all means. But the depression is like a claw that never slips up. I thought a few weeks ago that Maybe, just maybe it was starting to let up.  I had a week where I slept well, and most of my symptoms were in check. My anxiety levels were low, same with my shame and sadness levels. And then suddenly an emptyness. A void of motivation.
I know I want to study, I know I want to get healthy, get better, I know I want to become a better artist, to read books for enjoyment, hang out with friends. But at the same time... I don't. Or rather it's not that I don't want it, it's just that there's no motivation to do anything about anything.
No motivation to stay awake, no motivation to go back to bed.
I keep cancelling appointments except for the essentials. I KNOW I need to get out of the house, and socialize. I know the fresh air will do me good, and going to the gym will increase my dopamine levels.
Yet... I can't find my self to do what's good for me. Maybe I am in some way punishing myself because I wont be able to take the exam this semester and therefore feel I shouldn't be able to do anything else either. Maybe I don't think I am worthy of relief.
I don't know. I just needed to whine a little. I am frustrated that I can't make myself get out of the house.

Thank you for listening. And I am sorry for the self-pitying moan today, and lately.

My friend of mine is having trouble with her boyfriend.
She says he is ignoring her most of the day but when she doesnt check up on him he picks a fight. He always sighs when she is talking to him,  and it makes her feel unwanted. He no longer goes out with her.  And he was mean towards her pet, so she had to give it away. He keeps shooting her down when something good happens her way.
I dont know the guy,  but I think he is being controlling. I would rather she have a man that makes her feel wanted.

But I am not sure if I should tell her she should leave him. Is it my place?  I want to support her.  Is it better if I listen and offer support while she figures it out on her own? She has been through enough, I justwant her to be happy!

What do you guys think?

Had my weekly meeting with my psychologist today. We talked about the feeling of joy. She thought it was cause for concern that I dont feel any joy, and that I struggled to come up with the last time I felt joy.

She also said it is cause for concern if the problem is that I dont know how to recognize joy, because that will essentially mean I dont experience it - so same problem.

I am not so sure why she suddenly thought it cause for concern, that spot on my week card is nearly always empty.

Most of the time I dont feel anything these days. I dont want to do anything. I dont want to be awake, but neither do I want to sleep. I thought I was getting out of my depression, but... this says otherwise. Maybe its just changing?

My homework til next appointment is to pay attention to joyous feelings in any degree. What if I dont feel anything?
Does me preferring to look at autumn trees because i think they are pretty over looking at nothing inparticular mean joy? I cant feel anything while looking at the trees...

I am not sure where to post this.

For once I was having a productive day. I wrote down a list of things I need to/want to get done by the end of the day. Someone reminded me that writing down lists makes it more productive. And it felt like that until...

My phone beeped. (I normally have my phone on vibrate only. But I'm having the timer on, and I need to hear it when it goes off)
I go over and check it, and it's a text message from an unknown number. It's innocent in it's nature. It only says "Hi, are you doing alright?" I am panicking. I looked the number up online on yellowpages and other phone-number pages, but nothing. The number is reserved. I have no way of knowing who this person is other than reaching out and asking who this person is.

I am terrified it's my last abuser. I blocked one of his numbers. I should have blocked him, and not deleted him from my phone. If it is him, I don't want to reach out and ask who he is. Then I am opening the channel of communication. And I don't know how to say "no, leave me the fu* alone" without being agressive, or raising questions. I don't know how to deal with this.

I am angry. I was on my way out of depression. Things were falling into routine, even if it's still really hard. and then this. Who is it? And is it safe? Am I safe? What do I do?

I am getting a new phone by christmas. I am going to change my phone number now. I can't continue like this. Maybe I should just change phone number now...

Hello guys!

I know there are a lot of you here who cannot afford going to a therapist.
A couple of years ago I got recommended two workbooks:

"Get out of your mind and into your life" - Stephen Hayes and Spencer Smith
"Finding Life beyond trauma- using ACT to heal from PTSD and trauma related problems" - Victoria Follette and Jaqueline Pistorello

I got them both, but I never got around to work through them. Mainly because so much else was happening at the same time, and I'm now in intensive therapy. Plus I also forgot about them for the longest time. But I was thinking, maybe these workbooks, or similar ones, could be helpful? Especially for those who do not have the access to a therapist for the moment.