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Happy to read that you have a therapist that can validate your feelings and who believe that helping you out with two sessions a week is currently essential for you. I am glad that it is helping, and that she is able to offer that.

I once did a DBT program, where I had group session once a week and single therapy session with Lady T. It was so exhausting, so hard, but I think it was good. I didn't quite get as healed from it as we hoped at the start, but I did get better because of it, well.. in retrospect. There were times when I got a lot worse. That was 18 months. So I too believe that there are extended times in our lives where we do require extra therapy. Extra time. And it sounds like you are in such a place right now.

Don't worry about being there for others. Focus on yourself. You've got a heart of all that's good, and right now, those parts of you need to take care of yourself. One day again soon, you might feel ready to be there for others. But I hope you wait until you are actually ready and not out of shame or guilt.

Sending you warm thoughts and know you can always join me on the porch for a cup of something hot and delicious.

I apologize for my earlier comment, I didn't quite understand how difficult of a time you were having.

No apology needed!   What your comment did do was help galvanise me into writing a response which in turn enabled me to go off on a big rant abut what was going on in me that day. That was very useful. Because when things are really bad I question the futility of writing anything, even though I know that I often come to some sort of helpful conclusion while writing.

Even I wasn't really aware of how difficult things were. I didn't realise I was in a full-blown EF. So I'm really sorry if you got a blast of aggressive energy that ought to have been heading to my anti-FOO defences instead.

Also I know that we have some shared topics, shared difficulties like selling yourself the way we both need to in marketing, and part of yourself feeling on display in the work we do, so now I'll add difficulty sending off emails to that shared list   It's really helpful to have somebody who gets a part of what I'm often going through and up against. 

I know you've written a lot of after this, but I just wanted to let you know I've read your reply. I am glad that my comment did help you in the end. It can be very important to get the hard stuff out in the open. Especially if you're not exactly sure what is going on before you start voicing it. 

I have learned a lot from you, you should know. I often think of you when the word 'should' appears in my vocabulary. "But I should be doing... "no wait. No, I shouldn't. Shouldn't is bad. I can choose to do it because I want to, because it'll give me peace of mind. Or if I need it. But should. I don't have to do any should's. Should's are guilt and shame induced.  And you wrote about this a few years ago, and it just stuck with me really deep.

To Blueberry,
Maybe you're right, I'm not sure. I'm not sure I have the capacity to dive into that right now and see if it fits with me too. That it is trauma related. It might just be consequence of trauma symptom.

Thank you for understanding that fear. That when you leave the house you've done some fatal mistake that will end up burning down the house, or flooding it and generally costing everyone a buttload of money. All because you weren't paying attention. Forgot. Or something stupid.  It's so embarrassing.

--
My folks went out to the cabin in the end. I couldn't come up with a good excuse to borrow their car for hours at an end. Not during the pandemic, and when the government has told us not to go visit anyone. What excuse could I use? There was nothing wrong at the cabin. Except for a misplaced phone charger. so I haven't had any anxiety attacks since Mid-day wednesday. When I realised they had arrived and they hadn't called me in fury.

I am however. Chock-a-bock full of EF's today. It took me a while to realize it. I was being annoyed at my friends for telling me I need to give this guy a chance for a second date, when I had told them the date was pleasant, but boring. And that there was nothing there for me, and he was only busy talking about himself and how self-reflected he is. Clearly not reflected enough that he understood he didn't ask me a single question.  I'm not sure what the EF is really about. Perhaps lack of control. Perhaps people telling me what I should do. Perhaps this guilt thing that I can't seem to drop. Not really. I don't even know what it is I feel guilty about right now. But that heavy weight stone is stuck in my belly.  I can feel it so clearly.  I feel like I've been awake for a week, and been walking uphill everyday for a month. Yet in little over an hour I have to be sociable and friendly through skype call. I hope I wont snap at anyone.

I have a feeling that my best friend is pissed at me for something. Or maybe just sick and tired of me. I'm not entirely sure. But she never reaches out and says hi anymore. Hasn't for over a month, maybe it's been two? I can't recall. I've reached out to her several times. And it's like talking to a cold potato. Very little response, Maybe she's going through some stuff. Maybe it's just the covid19 stuff that's gotten her bummed down. Whatever it is, I'm nervous about pretending everything is going to be great tonight.
I'm skittish, I'm still in the EF, even if I realise that it is there doesn't mean it's not gone. It's barely past dinner time and all i really want to do is go to bed. But shceduling this call has been difficult.

Sorry to read that you've been having such a hard time. I apologize for my earlier comment, I didn't quite understand how difficult of a time you were having.

Being around people and feeling like one is accepted and not judged is so important, vital! I am happy to read you got that while singing with your friend. I wish you many, many more of those moments.


(Edit due to hitting send too early and it cut off mid-word)

Woke up in panic too. First in the middle of the night, and then super early morning.
I can't get it out of my head. I think after all my meetings and things have done today I'm going to ask to borrow the car to drive around to think a bit. Which will be code for driving to the cabin to check.
My logical brain thinks everything would be fine. If it had burnt down by now, then we'd know. And then my emotional brain goes like "but what if it is about to burn down?!" And panic rises again.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.

I had a lucid thought this morning. That perhaps this panic comes from not feeling in control over my own life? Like I feel I have to ask for permission for everything, -i'm at the mercy of people allowing me to do things. Although this isn't something I feel conciously, I wonder... maybe that is what is causing all of these. I feel observed, and I feel people have the need to know where I am at any given time, and I have to notify people where I go, if I go somewhere. How long I'll be gone and whatnot.  I live in a peaceful country, it isn't a safety measure to let people know where you go.

But maybe... Maybe I just need to take more control. I need to just go out of the house sometimes. Problem is... there's no where to go. It's too cold to just roam the streets, well.. not too cold. But I don't like being cold, so it'd be unpleasant. And boring. Most things are locked down. Besides I don't want to spend more money... I don't want to go to a café just to be anywhere else. I don't really know what I want tbh. But I need to take charge a little more.  Maybe that will help.

Thank you, Hope. It was a lovely walk. It's predicted it'll be cold here for a while. Which is okay, as long as it doesn't rain.

Thank you, Tee. But they were my guests at my parents cabin. The responsibility lies with me.

I occasionally get these panic attacks when I leave the house too. "Did I leave the coffee machine on? Will it start a fire?"

These thoughts are so strong. I don't get why. I haven't felt this strong panic attacks for months. What's going on? I can't breathe now. I thought writing would help but it's not..

Thank you everyone!

I was celebrating NY with some new friends at the family cabin. And I think I might have overshared a little bit too much. Because I'm wrecked with anxiety. Ironically I'm not overthinking what I've said, or if I've said too much. No, no instead my panic is more "Did I turn off the coffee machine? Did I unplug it? Yes, yes I did. *, what about the stove? Did we turn it off? Is it still on? Will I be the reason why the cabin burn down?" And I can't seem to let it go. I got home yesterday and I fell asleep listening to soothing music and taking an anxiety medication, because I couldn't shake it. And I still can't today.

I am trying my best to breathe, to do the things I can control. I went for a hike, it was cold. But it was alright. I could have been sitting still all day, but instead I went for the hike. I did a tiny-tiny bit towards my business. But then I panicked. What if I get successful? Sh8t. I don't know what to do if that happens.
How ridiculous is even that?  I think I might have to actually take another calming medication, because this is ridiculous.

I know how hard writing those e-mails can be. I hope you can allow yourself to say "F&#% Yeah! I did it!" in regards to those e-mails, and be content that you got that off your plate.

Thinking of you.

Wishing you a happy new year!

Sending you warm thoughts, and wishing you a happy new year!

I'm sitting with you San.

Would a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate help over at the porch? I'll be sitting there, and if you need and/or want to, I'll be glad for the company

Thank you Notalone. It's good to get that as an affirmation, validating that it was the right choice. I need that too. Thank you.

[responsibility]

Christmas was okay, it was calm and quiet. Just me and the folks.
I've been selfish though. I've only thought of myself. I haven't thought about my ex at all. I try not to think much about him, because I feel so terribly guilty and so full of shame.

In two months it's been a year since I moved away from him. Even though it was over 5 years ago. I don't know how his year has been, but I don't think it's been very good. The start of the year was horrendous for him. It really was. He was sick (not covid), he was forced to move, he was on leave from the job due to covid19, with huge financial issues. He moved into a shared house, and I don't think he socializes at all with the other people. And I sincerely doubt he got to visit his family during Christmas, which means he hasn't seen them for a year. And he's been all alone. I don't think any of his friends have invited him over, I don't think they think that far.
And my heart just breaks for him.
I know. I KNOW that he's not my responsibility, that he never was my responsibility. But.. The shame, the guilt, the feeling that I left him stranded doesn't leave me. I know he is an adult man, who should be capable of making his own desicions. I hope that he will make some good desicions for himself, that he will get treated for his depression. But... I don't think he will. I think his shame is so far gone, that he doesn't dare to. I think it controls him so deeply.

I just wish he, and other people in his situation would get some relief. Would get a reason to smile.
I wish he will find himself a new girl. One that's good for him, and he for her. I know I broke him, just as he broke me too. Although, I was already broken. The way I treated him is my biggest regret, along with not calling my Grandma the night before she died because "it's a little late, I'll call her tomorrow"

I've been single for 5 years.
.
Today is not a good day.

Thinking of you too, Tee!

I've been practising being on the app all year. Just looking and not doing anything else. Some of my friends got 5-7 dates the first week.
I wouldn't have handled that. and there's plenty of stories of how creepy it can get.
I dunno, I guess I just want to feel wanted? Interesting? relevant?