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In my last session with my T I brought up a topic I needed her to know. Because it had scared me. The week before I had a sensorical flashback, it was so surprising and powerful and it made me suicidal. It took every part of me to resist the plans and impulses that occured within me. This all happened when I was out on a hike, which I suspect was a good timing if any. My T asked me what I did when I got back inside, and I told her I locked the door and turned off the lights. When she asked why I said to protect myself.

And here is where my confusion came in. I both had such an incredible desire to end everything, yet at the same time I had the impulse to protect myself as if I actually have any value. I dont believe I have any value... but why then do I deserve to be protected?
My T said it is an healthy confusion, that it might wake me up to question certain "Truths" that Ive created to believe in such as having no value.
I am both  hopeful and scared that she is right.
Because if she is right, then maybe I have a chance afterall. But also,  then if my truths arent true... then what is the truth?

My T wanted me to buy a spesific book about trauma and growth during healing. I was just reading about after affects when I remembered something.
My mother has told me with random intervals when she talks about how I was as a child that I would suddenly stand in the middle of the livingroom crying my eyes out and that I was pretty much inconsolable. When they asked me what was wrong the only answer I would ever give them was "It just came" (it being the tears). They even considered calling child services to help me. I never really thought much about it other than mild uncomfortableness when she talks about it. I personally have no recollection of this at all. I dont even know how old I was when these "crying attacks" started or for how long. 
Maybe it was nothing at all, maybe l was just overwhelmed. Maybe I was just a little more than sensitive. 
Or Maybe there is something there that I have no memory of. I have to admit, that scares me. I hope its not true.

Am I wrong to keep it from my GP?  I don't know.  I only know that I feel distrustful of the system - so I'd rather only go there if I 'have' to - and I've been able to talk about my medical concerns to the degree that I am now trying out some remedies - and hopefully I won't need to see the GP in the near future.  I feel relieved.

Hello again! I am glad to hear you are feeling much better today.

I used to mistrust the system alot too. I was terrified they wouldn't believe me (who would?) and I was terrified they would go behind my back and tell my parents or other people. I was terrified that I'd be a laughing stock. It took years to build up trust to my therapist, and it took a lot of guts. But what I did learn was that I don't have to trust people 100% all of the time. It's enough to trust just a little. The PTSD isn't the whole of you, it's a painful part of you. I would recommend that you go to a GP that you actually can and intime will trust. Personally I got alot better help and support once I intergrated all parts of the health care system into my mental health issues as well. But trusting and being comfortable with your GP is step one. Your GP is there to help YOU. Not to judge you, belittle you, or tell you that you are living your life the wrong way. He or She is there to help, guide and support (and sometimes correct when we do need it for our own healthy sake).
These are just my thoughts from my own experiences, ultimatedly you need to do what is best for you. And how it's best for you to heal.
All the best wishes to you!

Dear all,

I've been reading alot on this page about emotional flashbacks, a new termonology for me. I got curious and so I looked it up.
I've read about it at Pete Walker's webpage and an article he has on psychotherapy.net (https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/complex-ptsd), and on some other pages. I've looked it up on youtube and even tedtalks, although the latter I found none.

I am going to try and communicate my confusion, and my questions. But I am having a hard time verbalising them.

I'm going to skip alot of my story, but I changed district psychiatric clinic August of last year and with it a new therapist. I didn't bring my old journal with me, I wanted a clean slate, a place where they could treat me for who I am today, and not who I was when I first asked for help. Anyway, my new therapist wanted to do a proper diagnosing of me, and I felt that was good. I'd previously been diagnosed with BPD, Panic Anxiety, General Anxiety, Social Anxiety and Chronic returning depression (the four latter ones I considered manageable, but BPD I never agreed with. It wasn't me.) I was now to be diagnosed with Mixed PD and C-PTSD. I had heard of PTSD before, but not the different degrees of it. Whether I actually got an indebth explanation I can't really recall. I was not in a good place at the time and shortly after I was admitted to the psych ward. Anyway, that was a brief recollection of my diagnoses...

Where I'm from there's only one word for flashbacks. And it's "flashbacks", and I have plenty of those. But mainly they are visual and/or sensorical. Most of the time I repress my emotions, simply because they tend to get so intense and the only way I tend to deal with them is SI, I never learned how to otherwise deal and regulate emotions as a child. So I've been told I'm overreacting a bunch of times, and now I've concluded it's better to repress most of them. It doesn't work all the time of course. And I can feel them swirling around in my chest, but I no longer can identify them until they explode, or my body is having physical reactions.

I am trying to come to terms with my new diagnoses', what they mean and what they do. I am trying to seperate the two of them (three if you include panic attacks), so that I can more identify which part of me is doing what. And which part of me is doing healthy reactions to events. And I'm having a hard time with this. I am also having a hard time understanding what the difference between an emotional flashback is compared to a normal reaction to something upsetting, can someone help me out understand the difference?

Pete Walker says "Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings') to the frightening circumstances of childhood."
I am wondering about this 'amygdala hijackings' part, because amygdala is the part of the brain that does a whole bunch of stuff in regards to emotions, and inparticular fear. And it is the part that is on red alert during an anxiety attack. So what then differs bettween an anxiety attack and the EF's 'amygdala hijackings'? As you can have anxiety attacks without suffering from flashbacks.

Pete Walker also says "Because most emotional flashbacks do not have a visual or memory component to them, the triggered individual rarely realizes that she is re-experiencing a traumatic time from childhood" If we rarely realize that it is an re-experiencing of a traumatic memory, then how can you really fight it? And how can you become aware of the difference between and EF and a normal emotional reaction to something bad? He makes it seem like every negative emotions that we have are the result of an EF, but that's not completely true. The emotions are there to signal us that something is amiss or that something is doing good, ultimatedly. And that is a healthy thing, even if it hurts.

Did any of this make sense? I am uncertain if I am clearly communicating in a good way. I am just so confused.
I hope I didn't offend anyone, and I'm also sorry that this became a bit long.

Thank you for taking your time to share your thoughts with me.

....

 

Dear Slim.
I am sorry to hear what you've experienced in your life. I do hope that being able to finally admit it to yourself that you are on your path towards healing.
It is natural for people who has gone through traumatic events to fear that similar things will happen again. Sadly statistics say that those who survive physical and/or sexual abuse will be victims of such again later - and this is terrifying. But! (and it's a big but!) there are ways to prevent this from happening again, and I hope your psychiatrist will help you towards that. And that this page here will be helpfull too of course.
There is hope.

*big hug*

i'm on the porch whenever possible.  have already pictured all of you with me when i go for surgery. 

I'll be there on the porch with you, offering to lend you some strength to get through surgery.

[Describe]

Hey Dave!

People pleasing is a hard habit to break, and I think it requires alot of awareness in situations. Being aware of your own reactions to situations, aware of what you really want to get out of the situation, be aware of how you can get your own needs met - and of course room to explore these different aspects.
There's a few skills that I've learned in DBT (dilectic behavioral therapy) that might be helpful to you.
I'll just list them down below here.

First there's a script you can use, it takes a lot of practice (I'm still practicing) to be able to do it. But it's a script that allows you to ask for something, or voice your opinion. I think this one would be quite helpful in relations to your partner and voicing your concerns that you too do need boundaries. Or you need to be allowed to go out and be with friends and similar:

- Describe what the problem is you want to bring up. And use it with clear language. "I want to talk to you about my need to go out bowling every second saturday"
- Express how this is important to you, tell her your feelings. "This is important to me, because I feel that it would help me relieve my stress."
- Assert. Don't beat around the bush, be clear about what it is that you feel and think.
- Reinforce : Explain how this will benefit the both of you. Focus on the positive aspects if possible.
- Mindful: Don't get distracted and allow the conversation to change focus. Stay firm on the topic, repeat if nesseccery the original problem and how it makes you feel without accusing her of anything.
- Appear Confident: Be sure of what it is you want. Try to avoid saying sentences like "maybe it's not a good idea..." which will make it possible for them to convince you that you don't need it. Use your body language relaxed but persuasive - don't crouch away. Keep eye contact.
- Negotiate: Be willing to compromise, the most important part is to find a sollution that works for both sides. Don't put the entire responsibility of the problem onto yourself, but ask for alternative sollutions "If you feel Saturday is a bad day, maybe Tuesday after work is better, what do you think?" or "How do you think we should solve this problem?"

I'm suggesting this one in particular because it can help you set boundaries with people as well. To say no, or inform that the situation isn't working out for you, and together you'll have to find a different sollution. It's hard, I don't manage to do all the steps. But the first two ones are my favourite.

Another skill is the skill called STOP.
It has 4 steps. And is handy in the middle of a confrontation or a fight, where you feel you're losing control over what you're actually saying.
1. Stop. Don't react, don't move. You're emotions are attempting to control you.
2. Take a step backwards: Take a break from the argument, breathe. You could say "I just need a moment." "Give me a moment to think on this"
3. Observe: Notice what's happening around you and inside of you. What is the situation? What is your thoughts and emotions? What's the other person really saying? What's the facts here?
4. Plan with mindfulness: Decide what to do, what you can bear in mind both to your own thoughts and emotions and others. What is your goal in this situation? What can you do to improve the situation?

And the last tip is simply to ask for more time when considering something rather than saying yes straight away.

I also struggle with setting boundaries. It's really hard to practice saying no. And finding out when I actually can say No without damaging the relationship I have to others, and when Yes is okay. And when I can say yes, but need to change the timetable.
I'm suggesting this because it does seem like a part of you want to keep being in a relationship with your partner, and maybe talking it over with her before you make any desicion might be smart. Just remember to have these conversations when both of you aren't highly emotional. When activated and highly emotional it is difficult to think straight.

Other than that, I just want to say welcome to the forum. And I hope you can find some help and guidance here!

Welcome to the forum!

I am also new here, but it seems like a very good place with a lot of supporting members. It feels safe

I am sad to hear of your divorce, and cannot imagine the hurt that must be. I hope that you will find support here, as well as in others off-line, even if you cannot have that from your previous spouse.
I hope that not being around your family will also be a way for you to start healing, and take charge of your own life the way that you yourself want.

I've had similar thoughts as you have these past days, or more like realisation it's what I'm doing. I don't quite know the answer to how to get past it yet, but I do think it lies in self-compassion and small steps. And acknowledging that the small steps are much more important than it's common to believe.

I saw there was another thread that takes things from DBT, where you put reminders of things that can distract you from the painful moments, maybe that is a small step to begin with? Another part with DBT is to stop up, re-evaluate sitations and facts. And act afterwards. Maybe stopping up and breathing before doing something destructive can be another small step? I don't really hold an answer, I'm just spitballing some thoughts.

I'm here, alongside you, fighting the dark side of the mind. And I hope you can find some peace of mind soon. *offering a hug*

Hello traveller
And welcome to the forum.

I can empathize with keeping the pain and the hurt a secret, it sure takes a toll. I hope that you will find connections here on you way to healing.

Hi Piou!

Thank you for sharing part of you story, it sounds like a rough environment to grow up in. I do hope your current environment is safe. Its good you are looking to get help, and I hope you find a therapist you conbevt with.

Thank you, Piou 😊Means alot

That sounds lovely