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Thank you Marta! Sleep did help, I think I managed to convey the message politely.
He smiled and said hello to me when he saw me later that day. But I didn't manage to do a good workout though. But I did do a workout.

I am stress eating. Like A lot. And I feel guilty about it.
I don't feel like I have a lot of control in my life. My life is largely in the hands of others. And it is a waiting game.
I even joined one of those dating apps, but even there I'm not really worthy or interesting enough for the men - which sucks, I am finally ready to go on a date. They say Women have it easy, hundreds of likes, and being swamped with messages. I got tumbleweed. Doesn't do well for my confidence, I'll tell you.

But I'm trying. I got my head above water more than I did this time last year. So there's been progress. And I got to keep that in mind. It would just be really, really nice if I could just battle 1 thing for a little while. Or just nothing for about 6 months, until life kicks me down again. A little break would be great.

They have opened for individual workout this week, and privatlessons. I asked for a private lesson, but somehow I didn't really consider that it would cost me a lot of extra money. It's more than my monthly sub at the gym. I can't afford it. I really can't right now.
And it is triggering my anxiety to have to e-mail them back and saying "thanks, but I can't afford it right now after all. I think I'll just come in and do my own thing briefly".
I was super worried when I got there earlier in the week. They are only open twice a week, and this week only. As Christmas is next week. I was having performance anxiety earlier, now I just feel anxious about asking them for something and then not being able to pay for what I asked. I feel stupid too, because I didn't factor in that it might actually cost money. I mean. why didn't I assume that?

I wish I could laugh at myself in this situation. But I find it very difficult.

It's defintively a difficult book, San. I am noticing though, this second time around, that it is primarily about children. I need about adults. Maybe there will be more about that later in the book. I hope so.

Thank you Tee, when I read your message first I did smile.
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I've been eating my emotions all day, but all that it serves is it gives me more emotions. I feel so * for sitting still all day, my body hates me for it. But at the same time I have no desire, no will power to get up and move. For what purpose, be trapped with my own thoughts and emotion far away from distraction?
The problem is... I have no idea what it is that I am feeling, or even why. All I know is I long for a relief, a healthy relief.
Gym is open tomorrow for independent training. But I am super nervous about going. I feel like a fat blob, and I don't want them to see me like this. I don't even know why, and yet still at the same time I don't know how to stop thinking like this.

I heard some days ago, or read. I can't recall... that if you're feeling like everything is an uphill battle everyday. Then maybe... maybe you're living a life based on goals instead of values.

Problem is.. I don't know what my values are. I don't know what mine are, and what I think they are supposed to be due to what I've been told all my life.
Trying to find them, i've tried for years, but I still get confused. Are they really mine?

I saw my GP today, she said she can understand that I'm not doing so well. Waiting and waiting, and waiting without any end in sight. She gets pissed off just having to sit in a car queue. I nearly cried, when she said that. When she validated the pain that my life is STILL on hold, that it is in the hands of someone else.

She tried to find other suggestions on what I can do than to use food as self harm. But I don't have energy for any of the suggestions she brought.
I need safety, structure. not meeting new people.

Although she compared my art to being my hobby. I told her to me it isn't a hobby, it's my work. It kind of hurts that she sees it that way, but she has family members that are artists too, so maybe she's influenced by that.

Meeting at work today was.. something. It wasn't bad, but I guess I had hoped we'd made more progress.

I ended up buying clothes I don't need.

I just need a long evening with a f*"#%" hug, or some positive reinforcement by people who wants me in their life. Who reaches out. Who tells me stupid jokes. I don't know, maybe I just want it.
I am so sick of being this person, this person being overwhelmed by emotions.

I might also have stronger reactions because I've been reading "The Body Keeps the Score" and it's really hard.

Right now, I am hurting. I'm hurting a lot today.
they say growth comes from pain, I sure as h!"# hope so, because otherwise what's the point of this?

I'm so fragile right now, I hate how little critisism that I am able to handle right now. Or any kind of feedback really. I don't know what's going on.
I went to the hospital a few weeks ago and they told me I was doing well. And then I started over-eating. I was almost getting past it. Almost. I was moving in the right direction, and then I had a dentist appointment today. My teeth was in almost perfect condition. By that I mean, no holes, and no problems. No real cleaning was needing done either. I've never been so quick in and out at a dentist ever before. What happens? I start feeling nauseous and I can't deal with that, so I buy a bag of chips, intending only to have a little to get rid of the nausea. I end up eating the entire bag. Then I start feeling sorry for myself.

I am trying to forgive myself for eating so much. I've been eating a lot more than the bag of chips today. And all, except dinner, was unhelathy choices for my body. I had a nap in the middle of the day, woke up feeling like crap. I don't want to be awake.
I see my GP tomorrow. Then I have that clarifying meeting at work.

I did some art today, I worked on an illustration as a finishing piece for a course I did. But this is the third time I make it, and the teacher just isn't happy. There's always something more needing correcting. The pose needs changing all the time. I just feel like I can't do art. I'm not cut out for this. I am never going to be good enough.
It hurts.
I don't know what else I can do. What else I can contribute with.

What is the point of all of this?! Why can I not handle any kinds of feedback. If people say they like it, I think they are lying. If they aren't liking it - I take it as I'm a complete and utter failure. Why do I have to continiously lose in every scenario? Why do I do this to myself?

God I miss Lady T.

o my dear sceal, i can so relate. i'm going thru something similar, waiting to hear about our house, if we're even going to be able to continue living here in 6 mos. the waiting for these kinds of things is so stressful, and by the sound of it (the eating) that's what you're feeling as well.  i tend to eat during these times, too, and it's horrible.  want to stop, can't stop, hate that i can't stop, reach for another something to put in my mouth.  it's just awful!

sitting with you, by your side.  we'll get thru this together.  maybe we can play some cards or a board game to distract us and have some fun at the same time.  i can picture us in my head - it's a calming picture.  love and a hug filled w/ a de-stresser.   

(by the by, i think you did brilliantly in speaking up for yourself at work.  well done! ).

It is insanely stressful, I feel you on this. Being able to have a most basic knowledge of knowing where one can live for an extended period is so vital for mental health, especially when you got cPTSD or  PTSD, having stability is important for everyone. I hope you get an answer soon too!

I swore I was going to call them every week and nag, but now that it's been a week I kind of don't have the guts to call them again. I'll try and call them again before christmas. If not, right after new years.

I'm still fairy worn out, but I've had more or less 2 weeks not doing anything art related at home. I've even for most of the time avoided thinking of it too, except in the moments when I panic that i'm not working. Progressing, growing, evolving.
I wish people would relax on this mentality a bit, so I could feel I am still  a part of the club. It is important to keep growing, yes, but like with working out your body to strengthen your muscles you need days off for restitution and just rest and eat in order to actually build up the muscles. But in the art world it feels like you're never really allowed to rest and eat. Because if you don't push yourself you'll fall behind, and if you fall behind you're irrelevant. and when you're only starting out really trying to earn money off of it, it's not the kind of image you want of yourself.
It builds on my stress so much. The pressue is too hard.  And it is starting to feel like how it was before the pandemic, that I can't keep up with everyone. And everything I do is of no use. It's not very fruitful for feeling that I am meaningful to my surroundings or in my own life.
But I will keep on fighting. I just need to vent

Maybe I'll come and remind you about trauma response some other time then    There's nothing wrong with you whatsoever. It's trauma. Which you didn't cause. 

I would love that, I think I still need these reminders. I signed up for 30 day trial on Audible, so I could listen to The Body Keeps The Score, now that I have no attentionspan to actually read stuff. I hope I finish the book in the 30 days I got for free.

Thank you for validating! I particularly like the way you expressed the underlined bit. That's what it comes down to for me. I have had this office for about 10 years now and this is the first time I've had professional signage in my window. But I guess it feels that way for you too - putting yourself on display.

It kind of feels like putting a neon sign above my head, and both hoping and dreading that people will notice. Part of me depends on people noticing and liking enough to want to buy something (which is rare), and part of me keeps telling me "who do you think you are?!"

I am proud that i decided to not waste any more time about worrying about it, and just went ahead.

You are right to feel proud
You helped me too - I finally send a reminder to my ll about one thing and have finally written a draft of a more difficult issue I have to address with him. I felt inspired by your "not waste any more time worrying". So thank you.

I'm very happy to hear that I could inspire you. I hope that sending the letter to him went okay and that he respects your request and boundaries!

Thank you all

unfortunatedly.. my relief didn't last very long.
Being at work itself was okay. But I was told by my wellfare people in my country I'd be getting an answer today about my financial future. I called them as I hadn't heard anything, the lady on the phone told me that I shouldn't have been told a definitive date. Because no one knows when. I've been waiting since the end of march for them to deal with my application. If I get it through.
This uncertainty.. It's driving me insane. I broke down at work, and I just left without saying anything.
And I've been eating. and eating. and eating.
Trying to numb. I am now numb. And I still want to eat. but I feel guilty for the eating.

Wonderful to read that today was a good day!

Sleep is so important, and I hope you get more of those 5 hour sessions. Perhaps, soon it'll become 6 hours instead.

Good that by the end of the session that your littles were feeling a little more comfortable around your therapist. Perhaps, come mid-january it'll be safer still for them.
Most things that are new are scary

San: I am trying to be patient with the marketing. And reminding myself I know nothing about it, and I'm just learning by doing bit by bit. And hopefully, one day, these little bits will turn into something substantial.

Tee:You're right. I have many of those days these days. Planning on doing something, and then it not getting done. And you're right, sometimes a small step is a big step!

Blueberry:
I keep forgetting that there might be some trauma responce behind it. But that makes sense. When I don't see a direct corrolation, I end up thiking I need to be stronger than this, wt"# is wrong with me?

Congratulations on getting it up in the window. It's hard the marketing, it's like putting yourself on display, even more than you already are doing with your work. I think even for normal (non-trauma people) this is difficult unless they are wired for wanting extra attention.

And I did grow a little today.
I had my conversation with Mr T. He is a nice sounding board, and I left it feeling like "okay I can do this". I called my new boss and asked her if she had time to meet today? She said yes, so I went to work, despite it not being my day, and sat down with her and told her that I need more predictability, stability and a sense of accomplishment if I am to continue to be on this project. That I feel I'm being invalidated too often, and I know that this time around it's been very chaotic because things were so last minute, and also because of covid19 restrictions. But that it's now affected my health, and I need some changes to happen otherwise I need to step down.
First of all.. I'm so proud of myself that I did it. I didn't forget any of the things I meant to say, I didn't stumble too much, I didn't sound like a petulent child (or at least I think, although I felt like I looked like one at the end - body language wise), I don't think I was whiny. I came with new ideas, and thoughts. And she said she's having a meeting with another department tomorrow to get some clarification for certain things. But after that the people in this project group can come together for a meeting and find a proper solution moving forward. Getting some organizing in.
I hope that this is a step in the right direction.  I'm really hopeful that it'll be a positive change. Something that all parties will be able to keep working on.

Second I am proud that i decided to not waste any more time about worrying about it, and just went ahead.

So glad to hear that Tee! In these days I bet the most of us can do with extra pay! 

San, I had dinner with one from the gym this week. But it's not the same. We're both stressed and unhappy. The laughter and the smiles didn't come easily. But it was good to see her.

It was defintively a treat to get those two hugs. And I treasure them, despite me yearning for more hugs now.

Thank you, for not finding me selfish. It means a lot to hear that. Especailly as the shame monster is quite prevalent.
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I am hurting a lot today. I went for a hike with my dad and the dog. It was a beautiful sunny day, but we got lost. It was muddy, but it was fine. No one got injured, grumpy or fatigued. And we found our way back home. we weren't lost for that long, but there was a time there we felt astray.
I did do more adult things today. I changed the bedcovers and I booked an appointment with the dentist. I bathed the dog (much needed).
And then I collapsed, on the inside.

I still can't do any art. I meant to today, but my stomach did a turn when I thought about opening up photoshop to get started. Instantly drained of all energy.
I'm not depressed, and I'm not in an art block. I just.. I can't explain it.
At the same time.. I'm struggling with marketing.
I re-did my website, and I uploaded my shop finally. But no action.

Thank you Tee  , I don't celebrate Thanksgiving as I am not an American. But if you are, I hope yours is lovely! 
I would talk to the managers/supervisors/guidance person. but they are all the same. And they are the ones who are accepting everyone else not delivering on their deadlines. We recently got a new boss. She's super excited about these things, but I don't have a good enough feeling about her on these kinds of matters yet.

Hey guys. I need to get something off my chest - because I can't call a friend and whine about it.

I work at a place where most of us have disabilities of some form. I don't know which mental illness they have or is struggling with, it isn't for me to know. And they don't know what I'm struggling with. We are there part time all of us, because it's all we are able to manage. There's some supervisors there too, but they are without these struggles. They are there to help us, maybe more like guidance folk rather than supervisors. (Explaining this in a third language is hard).  I'm just mentioning it, because it might be easier to understand. I am aware that my co-workers all have various and different challenges and needs to be accommodated in different ways, and I totally understand that. If someone is having a particular challenge, then it's important to take that into account.
But lately I've felt that I've had to consider everyone else's struggles, whereas mine has been ignored or overlooked. Or minimized, because I know that I tend to appear more functional than I am  (I am not saying you can see it on the others, but I think they might be better at letting the supervisors know than I am). And I am exhausted.

I'm the leader of a group that is arranging an event that will run for 3 weeks. And in order for that to go smoothly I kind of needed my co-workers who are joining in on this to hand me files and information within a set time. Many did. But many had to re-do some of their files. Many came after the deadlines. (various deadlines for different things).  Some of them were good to let me know that their things would be coming my way then and then. But some didn't. I didn't even know if they were still participating or not.
Since we all work part time, and due to corona many of us are working even less, I don't get to see everyone every week. despite me leading this group, it's not my job to go hound people to make sure they deliver. And I can't tell them "no, sorry - you're too late" either. Because... we are supposed to be considerate.  Except, that when people do not uphold deadlines and aren't punctual that to me is disrespectful. Or they don't care as much, they don't show that they are all that invested. And it stresses me out like crazy! Especially if they don't communicate with me. If they'd let me know that they can't make the deadline, but they still want to join - if it's still possible, then that would tell me they do want to join, and they are working to get there. But stuff got in the way. It's easier for me to take that into account. I know what sort of things I got to work with then. I can tell them that "of course, just have it by so and so - and I'll add your stuff to it later".  But this didn't happen.
There was a lot of communications problems. From me as well. I forgot that some people had shown interests, because they just told me in passing and I forgot to write it down. So they didn't get the e-mails I sent out. That's on me, and I apologised for that.  It is just that it's wasted so much time, it's been so chaotic and unpredictable. I'm so stressed out. I haven't had any time to work on my own stuff for the past 2 weeks. I am nauseated, I'm actually constipated. I'm so sure I'm constipated due to all the stress this is giving me. My diet hasn't changed drastically. I have no joy in creating anything anymore. I just feel like throwing up when I think of doing something creative. But the other problem is.. due to corona.. I really don't know what else I can do. I've no hobbies. My workout was my free-time, my hobby, my time off. But it's locked down until further notice. So I don't get a break.

I am so tired of the computer now. I don't want to watch TV, I don't have a brain to read. I don't have a brain to learn new things. Staring into the wall is boring as "#%. I try to make the time pass, I try to do some mindfulness. But today at work.. It was really hard. I was on the verge of crying.
I don't know how to phrase it to them that unless there's some changes then I'll have to withdraw from that event group. which sucks, because I do enjoy it. But this past event has taken a toll on my health - and I can't accept that.

Thank you Tee, I think you thinking of me is sending me some positive lights through these dark days.
I really hope you're on the strong side these days.