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Not sure what I am trying to say but feel like posting.

I am not recovering, I am trying to figure out what has happened in my life to bring me to my current situation.

This site helps me by showing me the experiences of others, and the outcomes these experiences have produced in them.

I don't even seek recovery really, I will be satisfied with a good understanding, this is a precursor to acceptance of what is and of what has gone before.

I am thinking that my life has been particularly tragic and difficult, although I can see that perhaps life is generally difficult and tragic so maybe my experience is just life. Maybe the 'fault' is that I have been unable to step up and deal with tragedy in a way that also protected me from mental illness.

But I have repeatedly dealt with tragedy and evil, maybe that is more important than the personal negative consequences of dealing with the harsh things in life.

My dealings with tragedy and evil were not always pretty, but they were honest and done with as much dignity as I could manage, an honest attempt to counter the worst parts of life.

As a child I found life quite challenging, as an adult things got uglier.

So here I am in middle age carrying a lot of traumatic memories, with a wide range of symptoms.

But I did the things that needed to be done, along the way I protected others from the worst consequences of their actions and the actions of others.

Identifying the symptoms, understanding the causes of them and what behaviours they have produced is important to me. Its like solving a puzzle or a math problem, once you can work through it and solve it you can see all the steps and where they fit together.

Being here helps me to see the patterns in my life and where and how my weird collection of symptoms originated.

For those seeking recovery I hope you find it. But consider if acceptance is actually good enough, and maybe something everyone can aim at.

I think for me that is all I am looking for, to me recovery now would mean that I didn't put enough of myself in harms way back then, that I could have done more.

Survivors guilt.

But I know that is not the case, I put all I had on the line, and I can't expect to get it all back again.

I hope this doesn't come across as arrogant, I judge myself more harshly than I judge others. I am not filled with pride or self importance, I am just trying to understand.

And maybe be understood.

Minor success I'd like to mention.

I've just had a good day, they are rare.

I managed a social occasion last night which is also rare, it went well, I actually enjoyed it.

I felt warmth from the people there, like I was accepted.

I tend to drink too much when I go out (anxiety? Dunno) but didn't go mad this time, there were quite a few drunken people by the end, I wasn't one of them. A small success.

Today was a still and sunny day (also rare where I live), I could really appreciate the beauty of where I live, I often don't think about it properly.

I just felt alive for a change, like a normal person.

It quietens the negative intrusive thoughts.

Can't remember having such a nice day for a very long time, if I could have one every month or so I'd be satisfied, just have to try to recreate this feeling.

Found a brilliant utube video about causes and effects of depression by sapolski of Harvard university.

It is 52 minutes but it is pure gold.

I have had what he calls major depressions for the last 25 years, his explanation gave me so much understanding of what has been happening, and his description is so accurate. Some of my supposed cptsd symptoms are symptoms of depression, like waking at 4 am, I didn't know that was a depression symptom. Thought it was anxiety or cptsd.

I've noticed that my 4am waking comes and goes over time in cycles....


He also says after repeated adverse life events resulting in major depression you get to a point where further depressive episodes start to arrive with little or no further trauma.

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder last year due to having 3 or more major depressions so far this life, this video explained what that is and i can now see why I have been diagnosed with it.

I can also see now why my psychiatrist's prognosis for my future was so bleak, its not good at all.

Sorry to talk about myself so much, I think there are lots of jigsaw pieces in this video for everyone, just stating how significant it was for me.

I've been accused of what sapolski calls anhedonia.... Its apparently a symptom of major depression not a lifestyle choice, how liberating to know that.

I've noticed slow changes in my sleep patterns over time.

When particularly stressed I wake up at 4 more often and cannot get back to sleep.

This eases if I don't get peaks of anxiety, very slowly though so I've only just realised.

Getting to sleep seems to remain difficult, unless I am physically exhausted.

What brought this home is a recent trauma relapse, more troubles I cannot deal with leading to extra anxiety.

Might be worth considering that sleep is altered by current things as well as the past, I hadn't seen it that way before. Might mean its repairable over time.

Well.

Just back home to my isolated life in an isolated remote area.

Spent a lot of time in cities over the last week, numbers of cars and people was shocking, so busy.

Several timed I wished I was at home alone instead of socialising, it is so tiring, I have realised that I no longer like people very much.

I believe I can now see the people that are likely to cause me harm.

I believe I can see cptsd or PTSD in others, to me they seem defensive violent, not aggressive naturally but with a look about them that I feel I have too.

Its hyper vigilance I guess. I think i can pick up on the little cues people show. Most people are unaware of threat, I can see that they aren't thinking about it at all. Others are alert and alive to it but in a defensive way. Others are watchful but appear to me to be malevolent.

Does anyone else see this? I could be getting delusional, but it seems real.

I've not been reading through the forum of late, and when I have I find it hard to respond.

Just wanted to say how this forum has helped me over the last year or two.

I haven't recovered suddenly, far from it. I just have nothing to contribute any more, I'm all posted out. I'm not even talking much lately IRL,  weird.

I've either reached a different stage of recovery or am going back to desperate times.

Probably the latter.

This forum is valuable.

OK,

I was mixing cement today, I had finished a batch and so had some water and stone clattering in the mixer to clean off the old cement.

I was back at the house thinking about a person who I believe had been acting badly to me a few days back. I was pretty stressed and intent on what had happened, lost in thought.

I suddenly realised the noise from the mixer had stopped.

Thinking it had broken I walked the 50 yards to see what the problem was. No problem, I had already walked down, switched it off and walked back.

I had no idea I had done that at all, even though I must have done it minutes earlier.

I do have lost time stuff but normally only when I'm sitting quietly.

I'm wondering if my lost time episodes are worse than I think or if this was dissociation or something else.

Its little things like this that make me realise I'm actually pretty unwell. I often try to minimise how unwell I am these days since cptsd arrived but there are lots of little signs that I'm quite Ill.

How could I have walked 100 yards, switched off a cement mixer without knowing I'd done it a few minutes later? How could the lack of noise suddenly intrude so I thought it had just happened and the mixer was broken?  It had been off for some while.

I think this stuff happens more than I realise or remember.

I would like to offer my experience as something that might be useful for people to consider, its the reason I am suspicious of therapy but it has a deeper significance to therapy as a treatment for disorder (I think).

My cptsd arose due to my life being in danger and the situation being made worse by my employer.

Now, during the main difficult time I had weekly counselling sessions and I discussed my feelings and what was happening to me.

The counselling went on for almost 2 years, this was the period during which I developed cptsd.

I was under constant threat, my caregiver was undermining me to protect themselves and preventing me from moving to a place of safety. It was a very difficult time.

Counselling did not protect me from developing the cptsd disorder.

If counselling were some sort of cure for cptsd then it should have prevented cptsd from arising, I think.

I suppose I don't have much faith in counselling as a cure because for me it did not work as an antidote or a protective measure like an inoculation against a disease.

Maybe its unfair for me to expect weekly counselling to ward off the harm caused by protracted existential threat.

But therapists are offering their services to help historic trauma, and it doesn't even work as an emergency first aid type measure.

The same goes for meds, I was on lots of them, they didn't prevent my cptsd from developing and subsequently didn't help cure it.

I think the fact that cptsd is a disorder caused by trauma is significant. I and my hind brain were experiencing the stress of threat and so talking things over was little use, I was experiencing trauma vividly and continuously, 40 minutes a week of talking didn't help, but how could it?

Makes me wonder how therapy sessions can help with trauma that went on for years and happened years ago.

I'm not sure lived experience of trauma is available for therapy, it happened, it changed the mind and body and the facts can't be changed or reinterpreted in some sort of non traumatic way to make them less damaging.

I sound negative about therapy. But what I think is that it is unrealistic to expect therapy to help much because the cptsd disorder is such a huge thing.

Similarly, changing some brain chemistry with meds isn't going to alter what has happened. It might take the edge off a little but alcohol is far more effective in that regard, no wonder people have trouble with drink.

The power of trauma seems so much greater than the power of meds and therapy.

I'm wondering what others think, I don't blame therapists or doctors for having a go at repairs. I just think they don't have the tools to fix this problem, its too big.

I've been having some amusement today with free online personality tests.

My idea was to try to examine what is my personality and what is cptsd so I could tell which behaviours need most attention.

It hasn't worked really, i think because cptsd is a big part of my personality and can't be separated.

But it was still interesting.

Wondered if anyone else has tried using these quizzes?

I don't think they are in any way harmful, its a bit like horoscopes really, makes you think but isn't really true, maybe.

Feeling a little stronger lately, also feeling more annoyed and irritable with stuff that gets in my way.

I think this might be a healthy response. This is what real people do, they get irritated with nonsense.

I'm not fight triggered, just wearily fed up with set backs and with people who I can't be bothered to deal with.

The feeling is like an itchy shirt, its not pain in my center, just surface irritation I won't put up with.

I could be on the mend.

Left my isolated life for a couple of weeks and did a road trip to see family and friends. At times it was very tough to do that, but I overcame lots of things and got back OK.

Back now and a couple of new calamities have already happened to me.

But I'm somehow tougher than I was.

I can experience the bad stuff but at a distance, it doesn't seem to get so internalised, its not as damaging.

Not sure if it's meeting supportive friends, not sure if its longer day length and getting some sun on my skin, maybe I've become more resigned to myself and am more accepting and less resistant to the negatives of life.

Might be the last of the venlafaxine leaving my system and my brain chemistry settling down?

It feels like I'm more of a grown up than I have been for the last few years, bad things happen and it doesn't floor me, I don't take things so personally.

I wish I knew how this happened.

It might be that I saw my adult children and they are doing well, perhaps that has taken a weight off me as they are what matters most to me. If they are OK the rest is just stupid stuff I don't need to obsess over anymore.

I see negativity from others as their problem, they can only diminish me if I accept their nonsense into my life and internalise it, which I haven't been doing any more.

Maybe I'm looking outward at others and can see their motives rather than being self absorbed and worrying about myself and my pain so much.

I know it doesn't help others if I don't know why I feel stronger, but maybe just knowing things can improve is a help, I didn't believe in recovery at all, now I'm partially optimistic.

Having a triggering day, feeling grumpy and slightly pitiful at the moment.

Doing a long road trip to see my friends and family.

Already had vehicle problems and an unpleasant brush with the law.

Still have 10 hours of travelling to go.

I dislike being incompetent, don't think I will ever get used to it.

Oh well, embrace it all I suppose. I think I forgot to pack my sense of humour before I left, wish I could find it.

I have been fortunate to receive some really profound posts in reply to things I've asked about.

Is it possible to stick great posts somewhere so they don't get buried over time?

There are several people who are further along in recovery than me and their posts are too valuable to 'lose'.

'Wisdom corner?'

Off to see my psych tomorrow.

He has nothing to offer me.

But I'm pretty squirrely so a psych is the sort of person I should be seeing.

But he has nothing to offer me.

Hey, maybe there's been a medical breakthrough since I last saw him 6 or 8 weeks ago?

Oh well, he seems nice enough I guess.

Wondered if sleep disturbances merited a section of its own regardless of child or adult onset.

Its meant to be one of the major effects of cptsd so putting all the posts together might make sense.

I've just discovered that the reason I seem to have damaged my shoulder (rotor cuff I think) is that I apparently sleep with my left arm held over my head and face, a bit like holding an invisible shield.

I wouldn't have the strength to hold that position for hours if awake, but asleep seems to give extra stamina, until the shoulder gets torn...... Not good.

As well as a great ian dury song I wondered if this could be a section for us to post upbeat stuff, if it ever happens?

Here's one:

I bought a used car yesterday and today it started and ran perfectly!

OK,
I have a hyper vigilant thing, I am alert for threat and sort of prepared to react.

But the hyper vigilance seems to be a very fine mesh net with me, it picks up on small betrayals or unkindness directed toward me just as much as larger more important threat.

I am pretty sure someone I have helped a lot put blame on me today for something they themselves had done. They did it to save face and to avoid criticism. It eased a social situation for them at the time, under the bus I went without a second thought.

Now, its not a big deal really, their face saving small betrayal helped them out of a situation they were embarrassed about and hasn't caused me much real harm.

But I am worked up and furious inside because part of me takes a zero tolerance approach to threats like this whatever their nature.

I don't have much energy and have put quite a bit of it into helping this person, I feel this small injustice very keenly.

And I will be back helping them tomorrow.

A healthy mind would not be bothered, but mine isn't healthy.

The reason I can't get to sleep or remain asleep is down to intrusive thoughts.

I know this is a common symptom but it annoys me.

Its like trying to sleep while being pecked by crows sometimes.

If I have a few things on my mind forget sleep, it isn't on the menu.

Had about 20 mins sleep but wide awake again. Impossible.

Oh well

A thought.

We post on here about our dark difficult stuff. Intensely personal.

We might get a few replies from people we have come to know virtually.

Yet our personal pain is here for anyone to poke about in, it could be a field day for prurient vicarious horror show devotees for all I know.

I like it! Here is my truth, you are welcome, world, enjoy!