Messages

I can relate too,

Dont have any answers, but I'm in the same boat.

Saylor,

That's is exactly where I am, I've avoided stress but have arrived at depressed and unambitious.

It could be a place from which to build something better.

If I could be bothered.

I am trying not to see it as a starting point but to accept it as the new me in my new reality, as the end point.

I think age is relevant, i am mid fifties so it's sort of ok not to be ambitious or connected to other people in the way that it seems younger people are.

I think cptsd is more difficult for younger people, at my age i feel little pressure to fit in, succeed, be sociable etc.

With your dismissive psychologist there could be reasons they didn't want to explore a diagnosis.

Some react badly if people try to suggest they have a condition, they think its impertinent to self diagnose or unhelpful somehow as they dont realise trying to gain answers and understanding is part of recovery.

I have had different diagnoses from different psychiatrists, and during a recent court case the two experts were quite far apart because they had selected different symptoms to give most importance to.

Sometimes I wonder if it's because at different times I have different issues which trouble me the most, but generally I think it's because psychiatry is quite subjective, these people seem more like theatre critics than scientists, they have different opinions about the same events.

How much you disclose is a difficult choice.

I tend to be cautious, and I use PTSD not cptsd as most people have some idea what PTSD is, even if they are wrong.

For me the only benefit of disclosure is that I have then tried to give people the tools to understand, but it is easier to just let people form their own views about me, they will simply do that whatever I say, so i mostly dont bother to explain much at all.

I would go with what feels more comfortable for you and try not to expect too much from it if you do explain.

My thoughts for what they are worth....

A therapist cant diagnose anything, takes a psychiatrist for that task.

I think hypervigilance ebbs and flows but can still be there when we think it is gone, it may not be obvious and overwhelming but I suspect it's just quietly running on standby.

For me depression occasionally takes over and that masks hypervigilance to some extent, masks everything else too.

Bright light,

I agree with your friend, few people in your position would put themselves through the strain of the classes like you do.

Take a moment and recognise how courageous that is.

I couldn't do that.

I think you should feel good about yourself for this success, dont look at others to see if they 'fit in' more easily, you are in there doing the class, that is amazing, to me anyway as I couldn't do that.

You are not defeated if connection with others is not as good as you think it could be, you are in there trying to make connections.

I have gone for ridiculous levels of isolation because I cant really do much else and have given up, but you havent, you are doing things bravely.

This is probably madness but I think self defence training or martial arts might be useful.
I used to get this training for work, it both becomes automatic as a response if needed and the repetitive nature of it is quite enjoyable after a while.

I still isolate myself but I tell myself it is a choice rather than a necessity coming from fear.

This probably makes no sense at all.

I remember that exhausted, wrecked feeling so well, sorry you are going through this.

I used to nap on the sofa, maybe daytime sleep not in bed gave my nightmares the slip.

Or maybe it wasnt comfortable so I didn't go into REM sleep at all.

When mine were at their peak I used to nap during the day, daytime seemed nightmare free and it helped with the sleep deprivation too.
Mine eased over time, I hope things improve for you too.
I found being highly stressed during the day was a cause, if you can keep your day calm it might help.

Could it be that you feel slightly numb/detached from 'normal' life events?

I feel that way, set apart by experiences from normality so its awkward to try to join in as I dont feel it really.

The most beautiful thing is to see people who are really struggling make the effort to help others.

It's perhaps the best thing about the human species.

Thank you for your replies. bluepalm, your post is so hopeful and brave, I loved reading it.

I hope you keep on gaining your mental freedoms  as a reverse process to the one I described, things can be turned around.

I had time as an adult when I wasn't traumatised.

Thinking back to those days I had a sort of mental freedom, I could deal with things, could interact with anyone without worry, I was mentally free.

I didn't really notice it, that was just how things were.

Now i am fettered, so many situations are uncomfortable and therefore avoided, nothing seems to work out in a satisfactory way, i have little ability to cope with even small challenges.

I may not have noticed my old mental freedom, but I am more and more aware of my current much reduced ability to get on with life.

As I have gotten older I have less physical strength and stamina, that is normal and to be expected/accepted.

It is hard to accept losing my previous mental freedom, it isn't a natural part of growing older. It happened quickly whilst I was in my 20's, not natural.

Not sure why I am posting this, probably lack of sleep makes me think it is some sort of insight.....

I think you should try to nip these ruminations in the bud, they are not helpful.

It is natural for someone to fear losing someone they care about, that is not something to treat as a problem, just a fact.

If someone doesnt feel that way about you walk away.

You have said really helpful things in response to my posts over the years, I am grateful to you.

I wish I could help you in return.