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Topics - plantsandworms

#21
I talk openly about my trauma/healing work all the time. Even when it was happening, I would tell "funny" stories about the chaos in my childhood to the other kids at school (it kept people from bullying me and turned my experiences into social currency, something useful). Pretty much all my friends and some of my coworkers know my "story" or at least the highlights. I write openly about aspects my trauma/healing on social media when I'm feeling triggered, because I feel like it helps me bring it into the light and not be ashamed. I write poems about it, essays. I go to trauma groups (or on this forum) and speak about it with others.

Honestly I'm sick of hearing myself. Sometimes when I'm talking or writing about my trauma, it feels like a faucet I can't figure out how to shut off. I get mad at myself for being so self absorbed that it's all I think about. I get mad at myself for giving everyone the "TMI" version of everything, of being unable to edit myself for my context. I get mad at myself for how eager I am to talk in cry in therapy -- I feel pathetic that no one ever has to draw it out of me, I just spill it everywhere all the time. I have a deathly fear of being a narcissist, like my mother. I see so much of her in me. I have a deathly fear that everyone in my life is sick of hearing me, sick of my self pity and my sad stories. But I also can't let go of telling it. If I don't talk about it, it eats me up inside. How do I let go and shut up? I just want to learn to shut the faucet off and not feel any pain.
#22
This has been knocking around in my brain for a while. My therapist and I talk a lot about building healthy boundaries, what is or isn't my "responsibility" in inter-personal relationships, and what sort of things my parents were involving me in as a child that "shouldn't have been my job." For the most part I find it to be a great relief and very validating to know that I am able to draw that line for myself and that I shouldn't have to suffer so endlessly at the hands of those closest to me - and that the things that happened when I was a kid were not supposed to be that way. But I feel like I also keep hitting roadblocks in giving myself permission to view my life through the lens of those boundaries because.... who decided what they are?

In an ideal world, they make sense. My parents shouldn't have been counting on me (their child) to meet their basic needs and those needs of my siblings and myself. But I feel like all these rules about boundaries take people totally out of context. For example, my family was very poor. I have ten siblings and my parents were making barely above minimum wage. Adding to that, my parents are also survivors of extreme trauma themselves who were never able to access help due to their financial circumstances and other burdens. Considering all that, it makes perfect sense that they couldn't meet our family's needs on their own and that they leaned on me (the oldest child) for help. I have a hard time looking back on my childhood and saying "They should have done X instead" because the circumstances of our lives were so inescapable. I feel like there are so many circumstances that prevent people from thriving on their own - like I think about communities of people who are oppressed in one way or another and how (by necessity) their social relationships and boundaries look different from the ones we talk about in therapy. Is the concept of "healthy boundaries" culturally bound? Socio-economically bound? Does anybody know what I mean?
#23
I have always felt like an outsider in my own life - probably because I began disassociating and engaging in escapism from a very early age. My own story has never felt like the central story. The central story was the book I was reading, or my damaged parents, or the character on TV I was over-identifying with that week. I used to sob when I was done with a book or a movie because there I was, back in my horrible and chaotic life again.

In adulthood, I've found stability. Cut off my family, found my chosen family, threw myself into therapy and finding a career. I'm having major dissasociative breakdowns less and less frequently (though the PTSD and depression are ever-present). Two weeks ago I closed on my first home. I am the first person in my family to ever own a home and I never thought I would make it to this milestone. I thought I would feel.... relieved? proud? accomplished? safe? Instead, I feel a mix of emptiness and fear. I've gotten to a point where I've learned how to secure and maintain a "normal" existence and all I can think is FOR WHAT? I know that's an awful and ungrateful way to feel. It's just that I still feel like an outsider in my own life. I still feel more engaged with people in books or on TV than with myself. I still feel emotionally lightyears away from the "chosen family" people in my life. I wake up every day and go to work and come home and call the electrician or argue with the cable company or shoot the * about the weather in the elevator and it all feels so empty and pointless? What is the point??? I'm not even sure I'm really alive unless I pinch myself???? And then there's the fear - this feeling like everything I'm building is just a tower I've locked myself inside of. I feel trapped and alone, like I've always felt. I don't know where to go from here.
#24
Frustrated? Set Backs? / At Least I See The Signs
April 09, 2018, 08:09:01 PM
One of the hallmark features of my C-PTSD is that sometimes when I'm triggered or lonely or exhausted I fall into these deep depressive disassociative episodes. The world (and my own identity) will start to feel not real, like a dream or like I'm underwater, and the basic framework and obligations in my life start to feel flimsy and trivial for days or weeks. It makes it really hard to do things like fight for a parking spot downtown for work for example, because it's hard for me to remember why it matters or what I used to care about. It makes it hard to cook good meals for myself, or meet deadlines, or be a good friend, or show up to appointments. This used to happen about once every six months, and I would always be blissfully unaware until my life was in shambles around me. Then I would wrestle with my guilt and my shame until my survival instincts would kick in and I would right the ship that is my life.

Over time, I've tried to learn the signs that I'm about to slide down into the abyss. I know that if I give into wanting to stay home from work one day, it will be even harder to go in the next day. I know that if I don't eat a single home cooked meal in several days my self-esteem and feelings of wellness will plummet. I'm not saying I've figured out how to stop these problems at the source - it's hard to listen to and take good care of myself all the time. But the more I try to pay attention during the rough spots, the less appealing it will be to give in next time (I hope).

Today did not go as I hoped or planned, and I struggle not to feel guilt, shame, worthlessness over the way I wasted this day and let myself down. But at least I'm paying attention to the lesson. It's not all good days, but I'm getting better all the time.
#25
I think one of the worst parts of being no-contact with my whole family is the fact that I feel completely taken out of context. Chaotic as it was, abusive as it was, traumatic as it was, those are still my roots. And now that I have made the decision to surgically remove myself from my family unit (truly my best chance at survival) I feel perpetually uprooted. And so I bring up my trauma in conversations inappropriately, or I read books about dysfunctional families, or watch them on TV. It's all I want to think about and talk about, because if I stop thinking about it or talking about it I will lose my context. And that context is important to me. I have this (probably inappropriate) pride about being raised the way I was raised and exposed to all those crazy things. It made me resilient, a risk-taker. It also made me anxious and depressed and full of triggers, but it's what makes me ME. I think about spending the rest of my life this way, removed from my context, and I feel deep despair. But the idea of going back to them fills me with even deeper despair.

I have found other context and other chosen family and other community, but it still feels temporary. It doesn't feel as unbreakable as family. If starting tomorrow I went without seeing my friends for ten years, I would move on. But I feel I will never fully move on from my family roots. I hear them calling out to me, all the time. And I try to love my family in my own way, far away and without them knowing. I will love them all for the rest of my life, if we never speak again. I wish that I wouldn't. I'm just so frustrated and jumbled and tired. Forever going around in circles.
#26
Successes, Progress? / Thank You, Really!
March 11, 2018, 03:36:48 AM
I just wanted to make a post making clear my deep gratitude for everyone on this forum. I have tried online support forums in the past (before I knew I had C-PTSD) and I have never felt as seen, heard, and understood as I do here. I feel like I receive more than I give in this group as I am in the early stages of my recovery - but I look forward to sticking around long enough to provide the same insight to others that I have found here for myself. Thank you all for that.
#27
Before I came into therapy for my C-PTSD I would vacillate between extreme highs and lows - during the highs I would operate extremely productively and during the lows I would have periods of chronic daily binge eating and severe acid reflux. Now that I'm in therapy I feel like I'm a low-level triggered state pretty much at all times, and I feel like my binge eating disorder has become a constant (if slightly reduced) state. I brought my eating disorder up to my therapist only once, but in her response I could tell that she wasn't very equipped to help me with this particular issue. I've been trying to find a supplemental resource for my eating disorder, like an eating disorder informed nutritionist or counselor, but none in my area take my insurance. I'm wondering if anyone here has tips for coping with disordered eating when triggered or working through heavy stuff? Thanks!
#28
General Discussion / I am on my side.
March 08, 2018, 08:52:42 PM
Just wanted to share a quote that really helped to clarify things for me in a fragile moment the other day. I was messaging a close friend about some despair and helplessness feelings that were coming up for me as a result of feeling like I wasn't being seen/heard by others when stating my needs. She sent me back this quote to encourage me to continue being my own ally even when others don't/can't/won't:

"With every act of self-care your authentic self gets stronger, and the critical fearful mind gets weaker. Every act of self-care is a powerful declaration: I am on my side, I am on my side, each day I am more and more on my side." - Susan Weiss Berry
#29
I  am in my mid 20s and I've been single (no dating no nothing) for four years. The last time I dated someone roughly coincides with the last time I spoke with my FOO. I am sure these must be related but I'm not sure why or how. I don't have any problem making new friends and I have a lot of great close friendships. I still experience attraction/interest in others romantically but the second they show any reciprocation the feelings shut down entirely. I experience a great deal of fear and shame and come up with a million reasons why I shouldn't get involved with them.

Now that it's gone on for so long I feel it getting built up in my brain and it feels more and more impossible to get past. I think part of it is just feeling so fragile as I try to figure out myself and my trauma. I think I also have an image of myself as being an intense person with a lot of needs and burden on a partner. When I imagine trying to go on a date with someone, I feel like I will be weird and "not fun" and embarrassingly inexperienced. In my mind I hope for a deep friendship that grows into a relationship - someone who gets me and knows my history and will know how best to support me, and I won't have to worry about being intense or boring because we will already have a friendship base to build from. But that doesn't just happen, or at least it hasn't thus far. I also fear that if I were to be in a relationship I would fall into toxic/abusive dynamics like I used to before. A romantic relationship has been built up in my mind as this massive threat to my safety and stability. It doesn't feel like something fun or easy - just a trap for more trauma and revictimization.

If anyone knows where I'm coming from and got past it (or is dealing with it right now) I would love to hear from you. I feel so stuck and I'm not sure how to crawl back out.
#30
Occasionally (usually when I'm particularly stressed or anxious) I experience this horrible phenomenon in my sleep. It happens as I'm falling asleep but not quite there, and I will begin to see this rapid mental slideshow of unsettling images. It's usually a mix of bad memories, things I'm afraid of or stressed about, and grotesque/disturbing images that I've seen in movies or in the news. Sometimes I pass through this phase quickly and am able to redirect my thoughts more positively and fall asleep. Often these days I leave my TV on to play some lighthearted sitcom and it helps keep my brain from going to this place. For the last few days, though, I feel like I'm seeing these horrible flashing nightmare images all night and never fully falling asleep. Then during the day I feel so exhausted I begin to feel like I'm living in a dream - it reminds me of the feeling I get when I'm disassociating during a particularly stressful situation. Does anyone else experience these nightmares? Does anyone know if there's a term for it, or a cause, or a treatment? I am going to my therapist's office tomorrow but feel like I should schedule an appointment with my primary care doc as well in case there is something more to it. I've never experienced it this often or intensely and the sleepless nights are beginning to accumulate a bit too much for me to function. It also makes me fear that I'm mentally "unraveling" in some more permanent way. Please let me know if you have insight into this! I am at my wit's end.
#31
A year ago I decided to adopt a dog. I thought having a dog would help me to 1) get out of bed every morning because I have always been better at taking care of others than myself, and 2) improve my mental health by giving me purpose and emotional support. Having her this past year has been really amazing in a lot of ways, but I was interested to find that it has also been incredibly triggering at times. When I'm having trouble with her or when I'm feeling so exhausted, I feel 11 years old again - alone and helpless as I try to care for my younger siblings while my parents work long hours. There are times when I have scared myself with my capacity to feel hatred for my dog during those moments of overwhelm - frightening to me because it reminds me of the contempt my mother sometimes showed for me. These moments are very rare and brief, but they give me a glimpse into how my mother might have come to treat me so abusively. When I feel that anger and resentment toward my dog, I wonder if I would be an abusive parent and it makes me feel like a monster.

With the help of my therapist, those moments with my dog are more and more rare and I feel like I'm finally learning how to love and be loved in an unconditional way. These days I love spending time with her so much and she has so much trust in me and no fear. I feel like I am unlearning all of these abusive patterns of behavior and unlocking this other way of being and it's so encouraging to think I might not become a monster after all. And I know that dogs and people are different, but as I was walking her this weekend I had an epiphany - my mother never experienced unconditional love. And she never got to practice it, because she was a single mother making minimum wage with multiple children by the time she was in her early 20s. She had (and still has) untreated PTSD from her own lengthy trauma history. And as her first born, I took the brunt of that lack of experience in showing love. As a child I either felt like my mother was my best friend or my biggest bully - never my parent. I really believe things would have been different if she had known unconditional love, and if she had been given the opportunities to treat her PTSD like I have. Her life would have been different if she did not have to be responsible for so many living things before she was ready. I am one of 11 siblings - I can only imagine how triggered she felt every waking moment of her life. I am grateful for this new understanding of her experience.

Anyway, just some things I've been thinking about.
#32
Just stopping in to put words to some things I've been feeling. I've been in therapy for a year now for my C-PTSD, and I've reached a point where I've seriously committed to my healing. I read all the books my therapist recommends, I practice the techniques, I write in my workbooks. Slowly, slowly, I am seeing improvements in myself. I'm starting to feel like I can really get past this and someday experience a different kind of life.

But some dreams are hard to leave behind. I notice that I still have these movie magic fantasies of knocking on my dad's door, of being let in, of standing in front of him successful and strong. And in this fantasy he is proud of me and he is sorry for everything and ready to begin his own healing.

Or I have this fantasy where I call my mom on the phone one day, a decade or two from now. I buy her a house to live out the rest of her days, because she is still poor and struggling. We talk on the phone once per week after that, catching up on each other's lives and exploring our past harms. And we achieve some kind of closeness.

I need to come to terms with the fact that the future will not meet my fantasy expectations. There is no amount of success or wealth that will suddenly make them love me the way i deserve. We may reconnect one day, but it won't be like in the movies. In fact, it may go badly. And they may never pursue their own healing. I wish I knew how to let those dreams go, but it's a hard kind of grieving. And because the future hasn't happened yet, my mind likes to wonder and imagine.

If anyone has tips on how to close the book on these dreams, I would be very grateful to hear them. Sending love to you all.
#33
Family / Brother In Terrible Car Accident
December 30, 2017, 01:43:32 AM
I am no contact with my FOO and have been for at least five years. As of a few months ago I have had limited contact with one of my youngest siblings (who is still a minor teen) but I have been considering cutting that off again as he has consistently not respected the boundaries I communicated with regard to contact with the rest of the family (feeding them information about my life, passing on unwanted messages).

Anyway, last week the brother I've been in limited contact with texted me to tell me that our other brother (early 20s) was in a serious car wreck. His skull was cracked, spine destabilized, arms and legs crushed. In the texts he was urging me to come up to the hospital and support the FOO because my brother might not survive. I didn't go, for a lot of reasons. I didn't even respond to the text, just trying to process everything. Anyway, he pulled through the critical stage and is still in the hospital getting reconstructive surgeries. The brother who texted me continues to guilt me about coming up to the hospital.

As far as I'm concerned, nothing has changed. I still want to be no contact. My family is not a part of my support system and I am no longer a part of theirs. Furthermore, all of the attempts at contact my family has made over the last five years have included the same abusive tactics that drove me away in the first place.

I guess I'm just writing to say that this is the biggest major tragedy that has struck my FOO since I went no contact. It was super traumatizing to be getting these texts and seeing pics of his car all crunched up in the news with the jaws of life pulling him out. It's terrifying for me to think of what his life is going to look like as he recovers from this. But it's been a pivotal learning experience too. I learned that, even in the darkest hours, I feel confident that we are better off apart. And I learned that my life won't go totally off the rails anymore when my FOO is in crisis and calling on me to do something. Hopefully next time something terrible happens (there will inevitably be a next time) I will feel more prepared.
#34
I have been no contact with my entire biological family for the last five years at least due to abusive behavior, boundary violations, and aggravated stalking from my parents. I have always felt a great deal of guilt and pain for leaving behind my siblings (who are still minors), and was half elated and half terrified a couple months ago when one of my siblings reached out to me. We met for coffee, became friends on FB, and have been exchanging text messages. He is still a teenager but is having some realizations of his own about our family and wanted to speak with me about how I escaped.

Anyway, fast forward to my birthday over the weekend. I get a text from my brother asking how my birthday is going and I sent off a friendly response outlining my day. He then responds by saying "I'm at mom's house right now, she says happy birthday too!" While I was deciding how to respond, he sent me a screenshot of a Facebook post from my mother talking about how much I hurt her and how badly she misses me, playing the victim etc etc. I responded to my brother "Thank you for the birthday wishes! But in the future I would appreciate not being shown any messages or posts from mom. I have made the decision not to have contact with her, and that includes seeing things like this."

He then wrote back a long post about how he "can't take being in the middle anymore" and how "I know you think mom has boundary issues or whatever" but that I'm tearing the family apart. He said how he just wants his sister back, and for everything to be okay again. His message totally destroyed me emotionally, because I already feel so much guilt about my siblings and now it felt confirmed. But I also felt angry that he was saying all of this to me on my birthday, and that my mother was likely the one manipulating him to do it. I wrote back to him that I don't want him to feel in the middle either and that whatever contact he decides to have or not have with me is his decision and I would love and support him anyway. I told him that he wasn't responsible for "making it better" and that his only responsibility was to his own happiness. But I also said that I have a responsibility for my happiness, and a right to my boundaries and that I wasn't going to change them for anyone but me.

He hasn't written back. I feel pretty heartbroken, but I know the pain he must be feeling from both sides and I don't want to put him in the same position I know so well. I just wish he were free from her manipulations, and that he weren't being made to feel as if this is his fault or in his control. I hate that he feels like I am the one "ruining the family" but I also know that's just because of what he's hearing from our parents. I just feel so sad all around. But at the same time I feel a little relieved - I was so so afraid about what would happen when one of my siblings came looking for me, and whether all the boundaries and progress I have worked so hard for would just crumble for them. But I kept my boundaries firmly in place, even if it hurt so terribly not to place myself between him and my mother. It's just not my place anymore. Their relationship is up to him now.

Just writing this in solidarity with other people out there who might be hurting over how their other family relationships suffered when cutting off contact with an abuser. It's so so hard, but every day we continue to make choices in favor of ourselves we get a little stronger.
#35
General Discussion / Empty/Overwhelmed
October 18, 2017, 03:37:18 AM
I wake up every day feeling either empty or overwhelmed. I go to my job feeling either empty or overwhelmed. I'm in check out at the grocery store feeling either empty or overwhelmed. I do my laundry feeling either empty or overwhelmed. I meet friends for dinner feeling either empty or overwhelmed. I try to fall asleep feeling either empty or overwhelmed. It's exhausting, I'm exhausted, I just want to maintain basic feelings of safety and belonging in this world. Everything is so close and just beyond me. I want to so badly to reach out and touch something.
#36
General Discussion / Ugggg Emotional Eating?
October 11, 2017, 07:47:01 PM
Hey all, I'm wondering who else here struggles with emotional eating? Whenever I am overwhelmed/depressed (which is often) sometimes the only thing I have to look forward to is what comfort food I'm going to eat that night while parked in front of my Netflix account watching re-runs. I start to think about it partway through every day like clockwork, and I've been this way since childhood (a time when there really wasn't much in life to look forward to at all). Does anyone have advice for how to redirect those feelings? To have something else to look forward to? I'm embarrassed even writing this, because I do have a lot of rewarding things in my life but they just don't hold a candle. In the past when I've tried to rewire myself I've gone in the complete opposite direction of disordered eating. I just want to... not be constantly thinking about food, whether that's in anticipation or guilt or what have you. Thoughts/commiseration appreciated!
#37
Hey everyone, I am scheduling an appointment with a psychiatrist for the first time and I'm wondering whether yall have tips for what I should be looking for. This psychiatrist specializes in treating PTSD and is also from a "holistic" school of mental health treatment. He was recommended to me by my therapist who I like a lot but is a little more of a "hippy" than me haha. This person I'm going to see apparently does panels on my vitamin levels, neurotransmitter levels, etc. and examines both my physical and mental health history to find a treatment that works for me (which may or may not include anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds). I guess I'm just wondering what other experiences folks have had with first-time appointments and whether there are "red flags" to watch out for or treatment recommendations that are "good signs." Thanks for any input, wish me luck!
#38
Hey everyone, grateful to have found this forum. I am a woman in my mid-20s and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD in January of this year, after a previous diagnosis of anxiety and chronic depression. I have been in therapy for ten months now and have had a lot of breakthroughs, but processing all of this has me feeling like I'm barely hanging on to each moment.

The background of my diagnosis is basically this: I was born to a teen mother who was being held hostage in a rural area by a physically and sexually abusive partner. She escaped with me across state lines when I was three years old. I was kidnapped by this man when I was four or five and spent six months with him until I was returned to my mother. What followed was a series of unfortunate events brought on by the fact that my mother was poor, uneducated, and never sought help for her trauma. A lot of the burden of our situation fell to me as soon as I was old enough to help (eight or nine years old). We lived in dozens of places and were sometimes homeless, always living in a constant state of chaos and crisis. My mom went on to have many other children and their care was largely my responsibility. She had romantic partners that turned out to be really * people who put us through a lot. She also had explosive anger and paranoia and directed it mostly at me as her primary support system.

I started running away a lot in my teens and at 17 I cut off all contact. I have gone on to achieve some success in my life, as I channel all of my energy into my work. However, I feel completely empty inside. I isolate from others a lot because I don't know how to love or be loved and I'm afraid to repeat cycles of abuse. I put all of my energy into my work but then most times my work just feels meaningless. The tiniest things make me feel extremely fearful or overwhelmed. People think that I have so much going for me but really I'm barely holding it together. And to top it all off, it has been years since my no-contact decision and my mother is still frequently sending me threatening and/or pleading messages, showing up at my house and screaming in the street, or calling my work and my friends. I am also unable to have relationships with my siblings, because they are still young and under her control. I feel a lot of guilt about that.

I am so ready to do my healing work and reach my fullest potential, but my trauma feels completely inescapable. I can't do anything outside of what I absolutely must do to survive as a human or do well at work. I'm hoping that connecting with others who have similar experiences might help me put the pieces together a little better. Anyway, thanks for reading.