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Topics - Pilgrim

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General Discussion / What do you call your abusive "parents"
« on: September 24, 2020, 09:48:12 AM »

This is something I struggle with daily - what name do I give to "my parents" who caused my CPTSD (childhood development)? I mean in the context of talking with people eg what do your parents do/live/are they alive etc. "Parent" infers, to me, caring etc so I feel I am still (many decades later) under control when I use the term. I thought about "biological parents" but then that suggests I was either adopted or brought up in care.  I was "raised" in the same house until adulthood by the 2 people who created me. Even "mother" and "father" is still too suggestive of a degree of caring but it's my default term - when people refer to them as my "mum" or "dad" I just stand there silently thinking just how far from the norm and truth that feels. I can't imagine referring to them by their names - that gives me the total creeps.

What do others use?



I feel that i ever only come here when I'm in need rather than supporting others too and for that I am so very sorry.

One of my teenage children had an extremely abusive (psychologically and then physical) relationship while still at school. We only found out once she ended it. By that time she had been made to stop attending school for half the year despite it being her crucial final year. She was a predicted straight 5 As and still she managed, now having been given PTSD, to get 2As, B and C. But that C was in a subject which managed to scupper her dream - she does have other uni alternatives - but I feel that her abuser has still won, accomplished what he so maliciously set out to do and there is nothing I can do . I keep asking myself why couldn't she come to me? I should have done something. It's not about grades and unis but the squashing of dreams of a child. What if she is doomed to become me? What if the real answer is that it is all my fault. I've been detained (sectioned) into hospital a number of times during her childhood - that can't have helped.    Since the news I can't stop my secret tears and my self-loathing has escalated - I am a millstone around the necks of my beautiful family, a Jonah to their dreams. They all need and deserve a better person. I love them with all my heart - I have never loved and been so loved in my life. I want the best for them - they deserve it. I want to set them free - a short pain for a lifetime of peace for them. What can i do for the best? i'm lost and my mind awash with dark thoughts.

thanks for listening. Hope i haven't upset anyone.

General Discussion / Deadline set on therapy
« on: November 21, 2019, 09:54:39 AM »
Hi. I know I'm not in the best of places at the moment so I may be very over-sensitive but when my psychologist told me this week quite strongly that we will be having 10 sessions on a particular therapy (we've seen each other about 5 times so far and my psychologist wants to press on ahead as we are having "mission drift") I just felt "oh no, now I have 10 weeks to get better and shoe-horning a complex condition  into a "1 size fits all" therapy doesn't fill me with confidence". I appreciate that I'm getting help and I always approach things with an open mind because I do want to get better but I've been shoved into other "1 size fits all" therapies and when the promised panacea doesn't work I feel even more like a failure. It's like more trauma. I feel it just never seems to end. I hid my mental health problems for so long and then finally plucked up the courage to confront them - got misdiagnosed first and then therapy for a condition I didn't have (and that therapy didn't work) and I sometimes wish I had just kept it all hidden and stopped existing. I'm trying, desperately, not to close my mind to this but I already feel worse - like I've been a bad child not staying on topic and wasting the psychologist's time. I'm sinking, drowning - and I don't even have it in me anymore to wave.

1 of my children said they weren't that well off doing their Further Education. Apart from the basic student loan, I cover all accommodation costs, utility bills, mobile phone, spotify, travel card, leaving £50 per week for food and anything else. I'm medically retired. Please be honest with me, is this too little? Based in Scotland. I'm falling apart and when i heard that have just disappeared down a black hole. I do the same for another child at uni - parity for both. i just feel why don't i just shuffle off this mortal coil and then they can have more money. Thanks.


I am really struggling at the moment. I have another disability which sits at the interface between neurology and psychiatry and which causes physical disabilities. I help out with a charity associated with the condition. I know my C-PTSD is orbital at the moment (my psychologist reckons I could do with an in-patient stay) and so I am finding it hard to know if I am being "over-sensitive" or not. But my co-volunteers are driving me nuts. I feel not listened to and that I have to keep reminding them that the devolved nations exist, with differing legal systems and regulatory bodies. I want to help those without a voice (I'm a lawyer) so don't want to walk away but those close to me say that it is making me ill. I don't want to be a quitter but I feel like a failure because I feel like I'm not getting through. I suppose you might say "powerless" but I feel worthless, useless - all those things made to feel constantly as a child. 

Friends / Are we this season's latest fashion accessory?
« on: May 17, 2019, 03:24:24 PM »
I know I am struggling at the moment - physically and mentally. So if it is just me please tell me. But I read a Facebook post from a friend's partner extolling the suicidal to reach out and then going on about how bad she felt over her brother's suicide 3 decades ago and what more could she have done. I felt so sorry that she felt that way that I PM'd her to try and explain that when you are a determined suicide nothing may work. I wasn't looking for her sympathy or anything like that. The response to  my PM - deafening silence. We have corresponded before so I am not a total stranger. I am struggling with feelings of revulsion at this person - pouring their heart out on FB but when met with it up close appears a sham. We aren't this year's must have fashion accessory - oh quick let me get on  the bandwagon of pretending to be an understanding person, yet in reality recoiling like the vast majority of people. These types of people do more harm than good. Was the post really about helping those with a mental health disorder or just a piece of look at how understanding I appear? This person doesn't have mental health issues. We put up with a lot in our daily struggles. I have genuine friends who see past my mental health issues (but without ignoring them), don't leap up and down on FB saying how wonderful they are at understanding but they genuinely are wonderful. We really don't need this type of thing. It sickens me to my soul.

Thanks for listening to my rant.



Christmas & New Years / Look after yourselves everyone
« on: December 24, 2018, 07:30:21 PM »

Just wanted to say look after yourselves everyone over the Festive Season. It's hard. We've survived so we we can keep the truth alive. So let's be proud of ourselves for that.



Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Just to say thanks
« on: December 10, 2018, 06:57:51 PM »

I posted last week (and am totally ok that it had to be taken down and appreciated that I was given the opportunity to read the replies beforehand). I just wanted to say, I'm plugging on, and that your replies really helped me. Thanks again.


Lou :cheer:

Well just feeling broken. Had my latest Neurology appointment. Iím not going to get any better and things have deteriorated since my last visit. Just seem to spend my time fighting with no R&R.
Sorry no words of wisdom. 



Just done in - tried, lost, lonely. Want to sleep forever. Sorry.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Just touching base
« on: January 21, 2018, 11:15:31 PM »
Just feeling down in. Would love a shoutout from Northern Irish commarades given this * by being forged in the fires of The Troubles. Just collateral damage - we were just trying to get on being decent people. No Public Inquiries or apologies for us.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Just done in
« on: December 05, 2017, 11:44:58 PM »
Just wanted to touch base.  My 16 year old teenage daughterís 1st love is being horribly attached by her once lifelong friend. My 19 year old son with his 1st love has had the father make some awful aspirations about him. My children our decent, genuine, caring people and I feel so powerless to stop the cruel ness of others from affecting them. I feel I have failed them - Iím an Irish mother, iím Not allowed to let this happen. Iím not allowed to fail - but I am, I have. 

General Discussion / Can I say I've been tortured? TRIGGER WARNING
« on: October 20, 2017, 01:09:24 PM »

I'd like to ask people a question but want to first say


I'm a child of the Northern Ireland Troubles and an abusive upbringing. I would like to ask fellow sufferers whether I can say that I've been tortured - I don't like to lie and don't want to over-egg things that happened to me. Numerous things happened to me growing up in Northern Ireland during the Troubles and I'd like to share a couple of incidents to see if "torture" is the right  and truthful word for me to use. I'd also like to stress that I never had or never will have any truck with terrorism or religious bigotry.

During the annual p*** up on Easter Monday I gave a policeman the fingers just as an impulsive childish drink fueled gesture. I was 15 (and I'm female). At the time the police were called the Royal Ulster Constabulary (RUC). I was duly arrested. At the police station I was told to face the wall while I was searched. My hair was grabbed and my face bashed into the wall. I was led away to one of those portable cells (like G4S today). On the way I struggled with a couple of policemen taking me there. I was put on the ground in a kneeling position - so on knees, calves parallel to the ground. One policeman walked behind me, stood on my calves, bent my arms up behind my back and then started to lift me off the ground while still standing on my calves. Other male colleagues just looked on and laughed. With soaring pain in shoulder I was taken off to portable cells with every other cell full of men. Once they heard a female was on board well the threats etc got worse. Eventually (and I mean eventually) 2 female officers came and took me to a cell in the police station. Only then was my dad contacted. I'm still left with lasting pain in my shoulder. Bailed out of the hospital when I went to get it checked out 2 days later as I think the doc was going to get police involved when I said how I had come by it. So never got any x-rays etc done - just ran out of A&E.

Another incident - stole a toaster. Early hours of morning arrested. In the cell I was kicking the door and swearing. A male inspector and female PC arrived to get me to stop kicking and swearing. The Inspector pushed me up against the wall, I bite him. We slid to the floor with him sitting astride me on my chest. He started swinging my hands to hit me in the face. When not working as well as he would like put his hands round my throat, told the WPC to get help, she stamped on my stomach on way to get it, came back with 2 or may be 3 male colleagues and another WPC. Both male and female PCs searched me - unzipping pockets, stuffing hands in, pulling top off (did have T-shirt on though). Left sitting in a T-shirt, jeans, no socks, no top, no bedding, no glass in barred window and in depths of winter. When male detective came to interview me in the morning he went nuts over my condition. Demanding blankets, hot sweet tea, practically attached me to a radiator, fed me as many fags as I wanted. I fessed up - never denied it anyway when they originally came for me. I was 16.

Can I truthfully say I've been tortured - or is that insulting others far worse off than what I got.

Really appreciate views - always struggled with how to describe those things. Torture just seems too big a word for me to describe what happened to me.




I'm new and in addition to C-PTSD also suffer from a very rare neurological disorder - Functional Neurological Disorder. If you have that one  alone it totally destroys your life - the symptoms are literally crippling. Me - I was lucky to get a double whammy. Is there anyone else out there with both? Just don't want to be the only unicorn in the horrible forest.
FND (Conversion) is in the mental disorders diagnostic manual and now also the neurological diagnostic manual. The mental health hypothesis is that past (and on-going) trauma cannot be dealt with by the person and so the brain tries to deal with it subconsciously in other ways by converting it into something "physical" (as if it isn't physical enough anyway).  FND  affects the neurological signals in the brain causing damaging and lasting physical impairments.  And that condition in itself affects your mental health even if you did not have any mental health issues before. Just layer upon layer of more trauma.
So please let me know if you're also in the same forest.
Thanks for reading.

General Discussion / Newbie Just calling in
« on: October 11, 2017, 09:35:40 AM »
I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD - abusive upbringing in NI during the Troubles. Just added to the other string about BPD and C-PTSD as I was misdiagnosed with BPD for years, suffered untold abuse/stigma by health professionals and even by staff when I was in psychiatric units for my own safety. Boy do in-patient staff really hate BPDers - so being repeatedly told that I was attention seeking (when actually I was just trying to get somewhere where there was no noise and roll up tight) just kept layering my C-PTSD. I also have a very rare neurological condition which is also very unknown by general health professionals who instead of trying to educate themselves about it, just go ah you're faking it. It's called Functional Neurological Disorder - you can find out more from I have FND (Conversion Disorder). There is believed to be some cross over with trauma so it is listed in the DSM V as a mental health disorder but this year they are also now going to put it into the Neurological Disorders Diagnostic Handbook. My Consultant Neurologist is one of the UK's specialists so I'm very lucky there (in a kind of weird sense). But for psychiatrists C-PTSD - it's like finding hen's teeth finding one who has experience in treating a person with the condition. My Consultant psychiatrist found me fascinating - I was his first ever such patient. He got the right diagnosis (for which I will be eternally grateful) but after 3.5 years letting someone in behind my barricades and showing them the rawest part he then just kicked me in it. After years of regular 1 - 1 monthly meetings that he considered necessary one day he just stopped any correspondence or appointments. Wouldn't respond to my GP who was desperately firefighting. I hadn't annoyed him or anything or ever been discourteous to him and if he had felt that he didn't need to see me as often then I would have accepted that. We finally had a last meeting (final because I was moving). I asked him why - he just sat apologising for nearly an hour. But it was all just too late and all I saw were words and to my shame I felt no pity for him - and that whole experience has just spiraled me downwards -left me berating myself for being so stupid and letting yet another person cast me aside like a take-away cup. I have moved and the doc has said I will definitely need another psychiatrist. Me - can I ever trust another one? I fear not. I just feel so ashamed of myself for being taken in and (I hope I'm not breaking any forum rules - sorry if have, I'll learn) I feel like I've betrayed the memory of a brave man I never knew - my great grandfather killed on the first day of the Somme. What would he think of my stupidity and cowardice? I have his army number tattooed on my arm - perhaps he'll be able to cope with me - I really do not mean to dishonour him.
But on a lighter note it's my birthday. Yeah - still waiting for my birthday card from Bruce Springsteen - I wish. But I've got a lovely family and for them to continue to genuinely love me after what I put them through is the best thing that anybody could give me. But hey Bruce a card would still be nice - I'm still buying your albums and rockin' at your concerts.
Pilgrim  :wave:

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