I have a problem with thinking I'm worth listening to.
So first I hope someone would reply — because I'm not sure if I could go on with this project without some hope. The more effort in a reply or the more people — usually validates that fear for me more. But I understand if you don't want. Sorry for asking.
I'm not sure why. I can't remember. Maybe my mom made me feel like I don't deserve to be listened to — especially when communicating my stress. Always telling me it was natural for her to yell or get annoyed by my stress. Or whenever I discuss something I'm interested in, she would often be busy on her phone.
Maybe it's that my interests tended to be nerdy ones that have a reputation for being hard to understand that most people don't bother with. Maybe it's because I find it hard to read body language so I get shy when I can't read whether people are interested or not. I tend to think rather slowly and deeply — and the nature of most conversations that switch topics quickly in real life tend to get confusing for me. My therapist said something about social skills delay but I have to wait for a week for him to explain.
I've tried forums on the internet to discuss things. I could often see views. But I could not see whether they liked it. Or hated it. Or cared about it. Or anything. When I had a response, I always assumed they hated my response in some way and was lying when they said something good. I wrote over 100 long effortful articles for personal development that totaled 100,000 views and I could count the comments I received on my two hands. I wrote a journal on another forum but barely anyone bothered to read or talk to me.
In real life, I have friends — it's actually easy for others to like me despite a lack of social skills in some areas. But I would always go with the conversation topics they chose and the interests they had. I've learned how to listen to any topic and I felt a warmth with people I didn't have for a long time, but it seemed something was still missing. Whenever I'd get the chance to talk about what I wanted and someone responded well, I felt an incredible relief on a deep sadness I hadn't realized was there.
Then I came here. People seemed to respond more here — and in a more compassionate way I need. Even if I keep getting ashamed on communicating here — I keep thinking I don't deserve it.
I tend to have a particular insecurity with how detailed my thinking is when I communicate — but I can't seem to control how my brain can't switch between topics that quickly and secondly, because I keep fearing being misunderstood in a way that makes people hate me.
Sigh. But I'll give it a try, and here I am.
So first I hope someone would reply — because I'm not sure if I could go on with this project without some hope. The more effort in a reply or the more people — usually validates that fear for me more. But I understand if you don't want. Sorry for asking.
I'm not sure why. I can't remember. Maybe my mom made me feel like I don't deserve to be listened to — especially when communicating my stress. Always telling me it was natural for her to yell or get annoyed by my stress. Or whenever I discuss something I'm interested in, she would often be busy on her phone.
Maybe it's that my interests tended to be nerdy ones that have a reputation for being hard to understand that most people don't bother with. Maybe it's because I find it hard to read body language so I get shy when I can't read whether people are interested or not. I tend to think rather slowly and deeply — and the nature of most conversations that switch topics quickly in real life tend to get confusing for me. My therapist said something about social skills delay but I have to wait for a week for him to explain.
I've tried forums on the internet to discuss things. I could often see views. But I could not see whether they liked it. Or hated it. Or cared about it. Or anything. When I had a response, I always assumed they hated my response in some way and was lying when they said something good. I wrote over 100 long effortful articles for personal development that totaled 100,000 views and I could count the comments I received on my two hands. I wrote a journal on another forum but barely anyone bothered to read or talk to me.
In real life, I have friends — it's actually easy for others to like me despite a lack of social skills in some areas. But I would always go with the conversation topics they chose and the interests they had. I've learned how to listen to any topic and I felt a warmth with people I didn't have for a long time, but it seemed something was still missing. Whenever I'd get the chance to talk about what I wanted and someone responded well, I felt an incredible relief on a deep sadness I hadn't realized was there.
Then I came here. People seemed to respond more here — and in a more compassionate way I need. Even if I keep getting ashamed on communicating here — I keep thinking I don't deserve it.
I tend to have a particular insecurity with how detailed my thinking is when I communicate — but I can't seem to control how my brain can't switch between topics that quickly and secondly, because I keep fearing being misunderstood in a way that makes people hate me.
Sigh. But I'll give it a try, and here I am.