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Topics - DecimalRocket

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Itís a website or an app that gives you advice on how to solve problems. I found it useful to use when Iím stuck somewhere in my recovery process and donít know what to do next. The app has more features though so I recommend you get it for the full experience. Itís free.

Hi there.

Enneagram has been one of the most revolutionary systems I found to help me so I thought Iíd share it here.

Itís similar to Pete Walkerís 4Fs types in that it attempts to identify different reactions to emotional burdens. It has 3 types of coping responses for each emotion ó anger, shame and fear. You have one type for each emotion that is often listed from the most dominant to the least dominant.

It identifies the traumatic roots of these responses, the false beliefs around it, the unhealthy and healthy coping responses for this and how to improve them.

It even has something called ďLevels of DevelopmentĒ where they identify different levels of mental health for each type. The site Iím going to give you has Enneathought ó a collection of daily emails on having different reflections and exercises to carry out each day for your type.

One thing thatís important though is that this is only meant to be a guide ó as human beings of course are complex and canít be summarized entirely by 9 types. But still, all guides in our life donít know everything, but they still managed to allow for insight we can find valuable.

Hereís the site you can start with. The full info is in the books, but youíll find a good start around online.

Sigh. I donít deserve to be listened here, but I came crawling back into this place again. My IC is acting as if it is itís birthday. I think Iím in a really intense EF right now. . . Dammit.

If youíve read enough about me around this forum ó youíll probably figure out that I have problems with feeling that I deserve to be listened to due to childhood emotional neglect. And if you look at certain postsó youíd know Iíd have unhealthy addctions due to needing attention from a lying addiction to being a workaholic. I donít do those anymore, but I still feel these same feelings in EFs! Oh come on! Am I going to come here with the same problem every week?!

I feel all my ideas I want to share are terrible. Whether Iím in my journal, talking to people here or on another part of the forum. My ideas take too long to explain considering how reflective I am. I feel like Iím bound to be wrong, bound to be accidentaly hurtful in some way and bound to be boring. I feel like everyoneís going to treat me like I donít exist.

My ideas contribute to much of my comfort in life. My ideas on solving problems that scare me. My ideas on gaining the attention of others. My ideas on making me feel better about myself. My ideas on how I move on from the past, deal with the present and plan for the future. My ideas that I can enjoy teaching to others.

To believe my own ideas are not worth listening to feels like all the ideas that give me comfort are worthless. And to think these are worthless is to think I and my whole life is worthless.



Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Wonder and Curiosity Journal
« on: November 12, 2017, 07:14:14 AM »
Youíve heard of Gratitude Journals, right? So how about a Wonder and Curiosity Journal? Iíve thought of the idea when I was younger and itís been one of the greatest influences in bettering my life.

It has given me benefits like :

1) Less dissociative experiences.
When youíre full of wonder, it allows something pleasant from the emotional numbness. Wonder allows a certain energy for life that dissociative experiences lack.

2) More meaning and motivation for life.
This allows more interest towards everyday life, even routine tasks. When you learn to find wonder in something that seems ordinary or even something troubling, things become more rewarding to experience.

3) More openess to new experiences.
Curiosity is the opposite of fear. Itís wanting to discover more even in the face of risks. This can benefit people to have more openness in all areas of life ó including recovery.

4) More acceptance towards life
The thing about curiosity is that curiosity can be present in both positive and negative situations. Itís not asking, ďWhat good might happen?Ē or ďWhat bad might happen?Ē. Itís simply asking, ďWhat will happen?Ē and whatever it is, looking forward to know.

Iím not saying youíll have the same experience as me. Everyone is different. But I thought Iíd give this idea a try to share it.

Hereís how to do it.

Technique # 1 Wonder Lists

Like a gratitude journal, you can list a number of things you feel give you curiosity or wonder. It can be sensory like a beautiful sunset or a touching piece of music. It could be quotes or certain ideas. It could be a certain piece of information you find interest in and want to look at. It could be events in your or otherís life.

This trains your ability to see these things in everyday life.

Technique #2 First Eyes

One thing is to see the world like a child or an alien. Imagine never seeing something, hearing about something, thinking about something and so on. When you realize with awed surprise how strange it is for something to exist, then youíve found your wonder.

Pick anything and write what you think of it this way.

The grand goal is to be able to see things like this for long hours at a time ó so everything in your life can allow a certain wonder.

Technique # 3 Grand Time
One practice Iíve thought of is imagining what something is like in the past or the future.

I remember a story of a tourist guide who was guiding people through a normal looking park. The park seemed ordinary but when he told the story of the wartorn heroes and terror ó it became more interesting. Now imagine that same tourist guide asking questions of what this park will become in the future ó what possibilites for it could await?

This could be used with ordinary objects. Notice an apple. This apple was picked in a farm, it was sold somewhere, transported for possibly several miles, placed in a grocery and found its way into your hand. Even small things have a history to them and these objects slowly morph into different things in the future ó like we do as human beings.

Write it in your journal.

Technique # 4 Reframing.

Whatís a more interesting way of seeing something? Take a hobby, a book, a website, a movie, an activity and so on. Then write down a description of it and transform it in the most interesting way possible.

How we say things affect how interesting they are. Like the teacher who drones on in monotone compared to a teacher whoís more animated in her lectures.

Here are some tips to make things interesting.

a.Mention sensory details. What we can visualize catches our attention more.

b.Use high contrasts. When you compere something mediocre with something much worse, what looks mediocre looks a lot more amazing.

c.Imagine saying it in a certain tone of voice you enjoy.

d. Use analogies. Compare something uninteresting with something you find interesting.

Technique # 5 Questions
Itís a simple technique to understand. Ask things in what you find most interesting or what you want to find interesting.

Sometimes the answers donít come from finding the answers, but in asking the right questions. Asking questions changes your understanding of an experience, allowing you to know what you donít know. Curiosity only exists when there is something you know you donít know.

Technique # 6 Grand Size

If the grand time technique allows you to find wonder across time periods, this technique allows you to find wonder in size.

It involves visualizing. First you imagine yourself where you are. Slowly zooming out to the whole town or city. . . The whole country . . . The whole continent . . . The whole solar system . . . To the whole galaxy.

But donít rush it. Imagine whatís happening. The billions of people living out their complex lives you will never meet. The different natural phenemona around the world. The different events, different objects, different places and everything that you will never hear about. What might be out there in the galaxy you will never hear about in your lifetime.

Write it in your journal. Remember it sometimes when you go across your ordinary life and realize youíre a part of all this ó connected with everything in the world.

Technique # 6 Sensory Appreciation.

Enjoy something delicious, something that sounds amazing, something that looks awe inspiring, something that feels wonderful to the touch or even a peace inducing smell. It could be something physical like exercising or going out hiking.

You can take a picture of whatever it is and write about it.

Technique # 7 Novelty and Familiarity

Notice small details in what makes something new. What small details make something interesting? What is changing in it or what is changing in every moment? Every month? Every week? Everyday? Every second?

Another part of this technique is to notice something familiar about your choice of interest. This allows people to be more comfortable with something that seems too unknown and scary. What does it remind you of? ó something thatís more familiar? What certain details allow memories?

Write it down.


Thanks for reading.

 If you want to read more about my experience with this, check out the 11th post in the second page of my journal. (

If you have any questions, ask me.

Bye!  :wave:

I remember sometimes, and I get ashamed. My own trauma before made me broken to react that way. While I donít have these problems today to such an extreme extent anymore or have unhealthy ways of dealing with these, I still have guilt over them.

I had a hidden hatred for everyone ó including myself and I went months with LVKM meditation for that. I was a liar ó to myself and others to look better ó and when I look back, I bet I didnít even look convincing. I did what I could to be aware of myself even if the discovery of what I was shocked me to tears on a regular basis ó but it was not enough. I was arrogant ó I switched between thinking everything was possible with thinking everything is impossible.

I held in it in school but at home, I was having shouting matches with my abusive mom. I slapped her, I kicked her, I punched her and for every first move I make ó Iíd stop myself in horror and sheíd be so angry at me for doing so.

I did everything to hold these feelings in ó research and practice for several months and even years ó  in but even when all the external actions of lying around it were nearly gone, I still felt what caused the lying addiction in the first place. It was a denial of some very selfish feelings inside me ó that I believed I was entitled to worship for my accomplishments. That a part of me once think I was powerful as a god and another as weak as a worm.

I hid whatever narccistic emotions were in me. I hid them because I thought no one would ever truly care, love or listen to me. I watched how other people taught of people like me inside ó and they often hated them or laughed at their efforts.

I tried Voice Dialogue. Itís a practice to talk to parts of yourself ó like the inner child but with more personalities.

I went and talked to the Narccistic side of myself. For a long time, he talked about himself. His achievements. His greatness. His amazingness. His intelligence, his objectivity, his humility, his hard work, his kindness, his likability, his everything.

But one day, he broke down, cried and talked about how no one ever really cared about him in his life. No one listened. How truly pathetic he was. He only let go of all the belief of being perfect when I said I love you to him over and over. . . and when I listened to him in a way no one else did. I only was able to feel connection to other people only when the first people who bothered to listen to me did.

But to be honest, I regret it. I regret that part of me ever existed. I feel humiliated at how I acted. I feel guilt at being a d****. For not trying hard enough. For not being worthy of love.

At the same time, Iím heartbroken. Heartbroken and grieving for the sheer loneliness the me back then had.

Sigh. Iím in tears.

Iím in tears.


Copy pasted from its home page :

Online Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)
This online MBSR training course is 100% free, created by a fully certified MBSR instructor, and is based on the program founded by Jon Kabat-Zinn at the University of Massachusetts Medical School.

I'm so glad you found this website! Here you will find a complete eight-week MBSR course, designed for people who are not able to take a live MBSR course for financial or logistical reasons. All of the materials used in the live course I teach, including guided meditations, articles and videos, are freely available here. - Dave Potter

Offering something for nothing does seem a little suspicious these days and I get many emails about this free online MBSR course, many of which ask one or more of the following questions:

As a kid, all I really had to deal with many of my unseen problems was myself. Not my parents, teachers, friends or even online.

I often coped with it by researching and reflecting ideas on my own. Iíve made my problem solving skills and analysis as powerful as I could make it to survive on my own.

So to question my awareness is to question my ability to deal with life itself.

I keep focusing on not being aware of certain important things about myself and my situation in the past. I didnít know certain things about happiness, relationships, my own studies and so on ó and it drives me crazy!

I had to know. I have to know.

What if thereís even more I donít know?

Sigh. I donít know if I deserve to be here. I had to drag myself here since my inner critic is running hundreds of miles per hour.

Iíve been repeating it here over and over. It gets better, really, but I still feel it. I feel like everyone who supports me here is going to abandon me, ignore me or stop caring about me. People have repeatedly shown me kindness over and over again, but I always need to force myself to some degree to communicate things like this.

How come I still am hurt by things that happened years ago? It wasnít that bad as other people here. I didnít have to experience years of this ó I seem to be literally the youngest person on this forum. My parents have made an effort to change themselves but I still remember the times before fresh on my mind. It wasnít that long ago compared to many other people here.

Maybe Iím not interesting enough. Too emotional or too analytical. Too detailed. Too whiny or braggy. Too pathetic somehow. Too repetitve over the same problems over and over. Too lacking in effort. Too casual or too formal. Whatever it is, my mind always seems to go back to not deserving to be heard. And when Iím heard, I feel both gratitude at being heard and shame for having something I think I donít deserve.

Iím tempted to just give up trusting people at all and just go back to dealing with all my problems in life myself ó it takes so much effort for me.

So much effort .  . .

Books & Articles / Free Book on Unhealthy and Healthy Personality Patterns
« on: November 01, 2017, 06:17:36 AM »

Here. It says if you send an email spreading the word to a friend or post on social media, youíll get the PDF of the book for free.

It deals with skills that could be harmed from trauma. Like interpersonal skills, personal skills and how you deal with change. 200+ pages. This also allows an understanding of different emotional wounds that can be gained from  trauma.

I had the most bizzare experience.

Iím new to the idea of CPTSD and I was reflecting on my past . . . why everything came to be . . . and it was too much. At that moment, I forgot nearly everything about the present.

I stared at my room and didnít know why it looked different. I felt my body and I wondered why I was bigger than I was as a child. I looked at the little memories I had of recent times and concluded it was the memories of a different person. CPTSD? The me then laughed. Of course not. I kept thinking I had a happy family despite barely able to remember anything about them.

Later something backflipped in my mind and suddenly I switched to different memories of my life. For some reason, my mind managed to filter all the bad scenarios in life to just remember my accomplishments. Suddenly, I became arrogant. I remember thinking, ďI have no mistakes. Iím perfect. Perfect. Everyone else who isnít is terrible.Ē

Later on, Iíd remember a little bit about this forum and getting the sense that I wanted to remember this place. I felt gratitude for the people who were kind to me. The memories then flooded back. . . and I felt myself grieve. I did some grounding techniques and I went back to how I am usually. But I still feel like . . . my life isnít real.

Uhhh. . . What just happened?

General Discussion / What can I do about my excessive guilt?
« on: November 01, 2017, 04:31:34 AM »
I noticed something.

Iím pretty sure I have strong trust issues with being overly suspicious. But I strangely have more ease trusting other people here to be kind than I have more ease in trusting that Iíd be kind to people here. I avoid replying to otherís threads more than my own because I sometimes think Iím some kind of monster.

I think it has to do with how my mom has treated me.

Trigger Warning *** Emotional abuse

Whenever I noticed she did something wrong, she would defend herself or deny it ever happened. Then sheíd blame it all on me. Sheíd talk about how she has been such a martyr to me ó always caring for me yet I being so ungrateful. So I learned to supress my anger all these years, blame things all on myself and view myself as a burden when I ask for help.

Not that I was a perfectly good kid ó but hey, I was a kid. Some of her ways of ďdisciplineĒ went too far. And often resorted to raging, shaming, or pulling my body to angrily force me to do things without explaining enough why. I had a long period in my life where all the supressed rage at her after years surfaced and everyday in my house had a shouting match ó with some even leading to physical violence. I donít have this problem today ó but I still blame myself for not being patient enough. Iíd read and write about anger management everyday back then and Iíd always blame myself for not adjusting enough for her. 

Trigger warning end***

The worst thing about it is that I couldnít predict when I did something wrong and so I just assumed that what I said or did was always wrong.

I canít comment on otherís threads here without assuming I said something wrong to hurt others. I canít comment on this thread without assuming I said or did something cruel.

What can I do?

This is embarassing for me, but I keep doubting people would care here.

I momentarily get comforted by peopleís responses here, but my brain does a backlfip and I doubt everyoneís intentions. Iíve been here since just a few days ago and Iíve noticed a lot improvement . . . but then it reverses. Iím not blaming other people on the forums, but I keep getting envious of other people in the Recovery Journals section getting more replies. It seems such a small thing to panic about to me and I fear Iím asking too much of otherís time on my long posts. I think I donít deserve it.

I keep thinking that if I just shared enough about my life ó youíll all conclude I was just overreacting. When I share bad things about my life, Iím afraid people will call me too sensitive here, crazy or that my trauma was never real. When I share good things about my life, Iím afraid people would compare me to people with worse situations in their life, say my pain isnít justified enough, or Iím making others feel bad about themselves. When I share validation or ideas to other people, I think Iíve said something wrong that could hurt others and that Iím some kind of monster.

I had a pretty bad flashback yesterday that lasted for more than 3 hours out of this fear. I managed to comfort myself well and take it easy. But it still leaves me feeling shaken and vulnerable. Iíve been irritable to others in real life and I hate how I canít control it. My mom got angry saying how she didnít do anything wrong and it took some repeated arguing for her to validate my feelings gently as well as apologize. My momís doing her best to change for the better but during a flashback, her presence is often triggering. I just excused myself alone in my room so I donít do anything stupid.

Thereís a strong part of me thatís being gentle and warm to myself now . . .  but it doesnít completely remove these feelings, and Iím not sure how long it will last. I feel like my brain is pushing a lot of effort to supress the flashbacks I had yesterday. . . and itís draining me. Iím so hurt now by my past that it seems like the smallest criticism can trigger me.

Sigh. Itís too much.

Neglect/Abandonment / Confused. Did I go through emotional neglect?
« on: October 30, 2017, 07:47:11 AM »
I think Iím onto something and after realizing this, Iíve been grieving and the feelings around it are overwhelming.

My parents were warm in the small times there were there and seemed rather well intentioned but they were often at work or off doing hobbies I didnít share with them. When I cried, my mom and teachers told me not to cry ó so for years, Iíve never told them any of my pain and to this day, I rarely do.

I remember when I was young ó the school had surveys given asking what values they should emphasize in the curriculum. It asked what values your family valued most and to circle them. I told my teacher I had no family values and he told me I must have been taught something in life. But I had next to nothing ó my parents have barely taught me anything about life.

Iíve cried as a kid over the years and it was often alone. When I had confusions about life, I didnít trust my parents enough to turn to them. And many of the causes of my deep depression and anxieties could have been fixed by correcting some basic misunderstandings.

I was warm the little time I spent talking but most of the time, I was distant. Never really believing there was a point to friendship or family and believing that people only liked me only out of pity. In my later years, I attracted classmates and teachers who often wanted to take special care of me ó but I rejected them and went through the majority of my problems on my own.

To me, it seemed normal. . . That my parents barely talked to me about these things. Iím confused. Wasnít I born distant? Wasnít it all my fault? Other people saw my parents as warm and good parents and I was the problem child. Whatís healthy parenting like then?

But whatever it is, for most of my life, Iíve been alone.

I was talking to my 11 year old self and he was having trouble understanding his emotions. I remember at that age, I had the nonverbal logical intelligence of an adult and the emotional intelligence of a toddler. Not a very good combination ó when youíre screwed like that, the smarter you are, the more your inner critic has the ability to say the most convincing arguments against you. He tended to be too detached from his emotions and was telling me to isolate myself from this forum.

But my 14-15 year old self was crying. She told me to talk to someone (My inner children have different genders for some reason. . .). To be loved. To be cared for. She was overthinking everything. From the philosophical questions on the existence of reality, panicking about the limits of human collective knowledge, and the meaning of life.

I had my 9 year old self running around ó just rocking himself (herself? Doesnít seem to have a gender. . . ) quietly in the corner. I could feel her emotions that she wants me to comfort her but also is conflicted on wanting to be distant and aloof as well.

My 6 year old self just wanted to have some play time. Play time means reading  complex books that interested him for fun. And he seemed rather upset that I was being too serious these days ó learning on things I have to learn rather than learning just out of wonder. He was confused about why the others seemed so upset and I could feel a bit of his sadness for this.

And I sense there are even more of them that wonít trust me enough to show themselves. Sigh.

Man, confusing to have all these emotions and needs inside me. They all seem to be reacting to how I decided to open up on this forum even if trying to trust others here make me anxious. I spent time comforting them but going through each of their different worldviews and reactions was really overwhelming.

What can I do?

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