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Welcome Tom!

You welcomed me. So I figured I'd welcome you too. Heh.

From the little I've been on here, this place seems pretty nice unlike other forums I've been to. I think we both made a good decision to register here. I've found it's easier to learn to be compassioante to yourself more when other people show how unconditional acceptance to you is like.

I've found some hope here. Hope you find some hope here too.

DecimalRocket.

I thought something sciency could fit. It's not just because I go to classes specialized in STEM but it's also because this is probably what kept my hopes up all these years. My reason for living.

When I was young, I didn't feel much of any positve emotion. I barely had no gratitude for my life. No feeling of love or closeness to family or "friends". I had barely no relaxation from being so anxious the whole day. Barely any pride for any accomplishments as I had cruel high expecations on everything. But I did have some curiosity left.

My earliest memories were of reading in the library. Roman and Greek History. Spies. Animals. Machines. Planets. Different countries. I learned how to read earlier than other children. I read books for teenagers at early elementary. I read books for adults at my preteen years whether it was a complex fiction commentary on suicide or Michio Kaku explaining the physics of the fourth dimension.

I remember whenever I had a particular bad day — I'd remind myself that I hadn't finished learning everything in the world yet. I remember one video I always remembered during times like this. It was called "The Most Astounding Fact." It told of the idea that many of the elements of the periodic table where birthed in the guts of stars — that exploded into the universe when these stars died. And the speaker remarked that this meant that elements composed of our bodies all came from the same place and all of us are connected in some way. That we are not just in the universe. The universe is in us.

Space became a symbol of my life. An endless place of mostly darkness. Something that struck fear at how large and unknown everything was yet is a concept of constant fascination and wonder.

I was terrified by my own life yet I was . . . deeply fascinated by it.

Everytime I cried. . . Everytime I had a breakdown . . . Everytime I nearly lost all damn hope. . .

Instead of being afraid of the unknown, I asked myself . . . "What possibilites are out there?" "What theories, research and observations can I make to solve this?" "What's new to learn?"

I realized that if I had the chance to get out of this, it was in believing that curiosity was stronger than fear.

I was on a rocket into the unknown my entire life.

I didn't learn to live anymore. I lived to learn.

Thanks for the more recent replies. One of my fears coming into this site was maybe people wouldn't bother to reply. But I've gotten lots of replies for my first post and they're in depth too!

I'm honestly embarassed by the validation, compliments and attention. Especially how you people seem to be wiling to read my long posts as I tend to be afraid that my habit of reflecting deeply on everything is too boring. There's a part of me that still thinks I don't deserve it. I've gotten over many fears. That fear I had that I was going to die of a serious illness even with no symptoms. The fear of the future beyond highschool (Well, almost.) Even that incredibly paranoid fear as a kid that involved thinking someone was going to kill me for being a bad kid.

But my fears around relationships? Around love, trust and open communication? They remain the strongest. I'm pretty solitary and my natural instincts are to be hyperlogical but I figured if most of my pain has to do with relationships, I have to actually start talking to other people more.

I've checked out CPTSD symptoms and other similar mental health problems and it does look like I have CPTSD. The flashbacks. Easily startled. Avoiding reminders of trauma. Unhealthy emotional regulation. Shame of myself. Unhealthy fears around relationships.

I guess one major reason I've considered this more is one, I had someone talk me out of denial and tendency to minimize my suffering in a 2 hour conversation. Second, I found out that I have a lot of supressed emotions physical wise. Much of the mental health treatments I've tried were focused on changing thoughts or accepting emotions but not much emphasis on healing how tense my body is often enough.

I first realized this when I tried Zhan Zhuang recently — Chinese technqiues of standing in particular poses to allow the flow of energy to pass through freely in the body. When I tried it, I began shaking. Shaking was taught to be a sign of release of emotional trauma in the body. When I shook, memories began flowing and emotions I didn't know was even there rose to the surface. Somehow I felt deeply . . . refreshed. I realized I was a lot more traumatized than I was consciously aware of. Even days after,  I still have a lot to shake off.

Haha Tom, metta meditation vibes does sound pretty cool. I'd talk about how I managed to get into a luminous jhana — one of the most advanced stages of meditation or how once I hallucinated in meditation — something that happens to only the most advanced practioners. Hypnogogia. When the body is so relaxed it mimics the dream state of sleep in hallucinations.

But I keep getting ashamed when I say good things about myself or ask for more attention like this. I'm afraid that those feelings are stronger than the little kid in me that's incredibly happy and excited that people would bother listening to me. So haha. . . maybe next time.

Bullies can be pretty horrible. They can cause a lack of self worth and hatred for one self. I spent a lot of my life hiding the shame I felt from the bullies I had as a kid.

You deserve that sick leave. Rest and time to grieve is doing you good. Recovery will be slow but you're doing great from how things are going now. The first step tends to be the hardest after all and you've done that.

I'd say more but I'm afraid I'm in need of rest from emotional exhaustion myself.

Sending you some love and compassion. Good luck PeTe.

Hey guys, thanks! I really mean that.

I was emotionally numb at the time I first read these. But I could feel a lot of tension in my body. A heaviness, and even some exhaustion.

So I tried WG's advice on being kind to the inner critic. It kept repeating crticism over critcism for each kind word I said. It complained. It screamed. It spat on me. This kept going on for who knows how long.

Until he asked in disbelief, "Why all this? What did I do to deserve all this? I'm being horrible to you. What's wrong with you?"

Then my emotions began flowing out. I felt a lump at a throat at how touched the inner critic was by my kindness. I felt a sadness in my chest at not being given this treatment enough by myself. I felt curious by how life seems to work. I felt angry at how crappy my childhood was and who factored into these. But most of all — I felt a strange relief.

I supressed them since I was in public, but once I got alone I said the same words to my inner critic and tried this visualization technique of imagining healing white energy to tense parts of the body. I was shaking for several minutes straight and making crying sounds. Several memories came back — major memories I often thought of and even some minor memories that happened long ago I don't even remember being distressed about.

I was exhausted physically and emotionally after but I felt lighter somehow. More relaxed. Though, I still feel a bit of a mixed set of emotions in me.

I should do this more often. It feels horrible yet it's so . . .  relieving.

I'm glad I found this site.

Well, I better give my tired self some rest now.

See you around.

I just registered on this site and I received a warm welcome. It was heartwarming until I flashed back.

I don't remember the exact memories that flashed back. But I remember the panic attack. I remember feeling the outright depression at feeling unloved as a child. I remember the intense hatred and shame I had for myself.

I remember the inner critic.

It told me I didn't deserve to be helped. That I deserve to be criticized, beaten and killed for my lack of efforts in life. It told me I was just whining. And whenever I told things I've accomplished, it told me I should have tried harder. Tried harder until I was aching and crying and exhausted. It told me that I wasn't some child in a wartorn country or some guy in Africa dying of hunger. It asked me what kind of first world problem it is to have flashbacks like this?

Right now I'm not feeling much of anything. It's not even emptiness. It's more of being disinterested yet somehow calmly content. It's gone, I guess. I try to remember the memories I had when I was younger. . . and barely anything's coming up. Whenever a single idea, picture or sound of my childhood pops into my mind, it quickly disappears. 

I think I might have just forgotten my entire childhood.

Thank you guys. I really needed that. Really. I've already gotten messages that I can be too hard on myself several times but it really does help to hear it over and over again.

I go to a therapist. Not a therapist for trauma. But occupational therapy for Sensory Processing Disorder. I developed some pretty strong sensitivites with my senses, especially noise. It tends to make me more easily tired than other people and I can get hard on myself with that. Looking around, it turns out that trauma can actually make people more sensitive this way.

A therapist for my trauma though? I'm having trouble trusting therapists really. But I'll consider the idea. I see a school guidance counselor though. She's probably the main reason why I can open up even a little with people in real life. Absolutely non-judgemental, compassionate and humorous at the right times. I don't know what life could be like without her.

Yes, I can be sensitive. I actually find it hard to pick up many social cues and "sensing the atmosphere" in real life but when I do pick it up, it could be overwhelming. It's more managable though.  The loving kindness meditation earlier had some studies made that reported that it cures empathy burnout — making it possible to feel compassion without the hurt.

I went through most of this with a "I literally hate everyone" phase before this honestly, but I've changed dramatically in this area somehow. I was good at logical and solitary based therapies like CBT which emphasizes arguing against negative thoughts but working on empathy, trust and relationships? That was terrifying and it took way way way longer to actually even begin on this area.

My mom's not that bad these days actually. After communicating, she has shown regret (Even crying openly in horror when she first heard this.) and tends to catch herself when she begins to  criticize me. She's gone through her own childhood trauma from what I've heard and it took a toll on her. But from how much she's changed —I really do believe now. . . that she's an imperfect, but loving mom.

My dad? He shows his own ways of caring through action. Like turning on music in the background or leaving my favorite books near when I wake up.  It was hard to notice how subtle his ways of caring was all my life but it's easier to notice these days. Really.

I find it weird how the past can still hurt even if the present is much much much better. Remembering all that as I typed was emotionally burdening. I might have uhh . . . cried for 3 hours straight. . .

But I'm sure I'm healing, no matter how slowly it passes.

Healing, huh? Better late than never . . .

[And I think, someone love me. Someone please love me.]

Hi there. I suspect I have CPTSD. I went to read a book on childhood trauma out of curiosity and found certain things . . . familiar. But It's nothing compared to many of those more depressing stories, is it?

I was a sensitive kid and I cried easily. When I was a kid, other kids called me names. They kept stealing my things. Other kids always seemed to avoid me. Teachers would stop the bullies but they'd tell me it was wrong to cry. My mom told me the same. So I hid all the pain I had for years.

When I was young as 10 or 11, I got depressed. I'd go for weeks and months barely feeling any happiness. I'd do things like count things I'm grateful for and it would take weeks until I felt any happiness for it. And the slightest feelings of happiness would soon go away.

I'd cry everyday and I wouldn't tell anyone because I thought it was wrong to cry. It'd grow more severe. In my preteen years, I've gotten violent outrages where once I sent someone with a bad leg in need of medical help, my crying would grow as screams and I was filled with an almost constant terror, depression, rage or complete numbness.

I'd spend hours reading what I could on mental health. I've tried more than 50 meditations and everyday mindfulness exercises, did cognitive behavioral therapy for years straight, studied western philosophies on happiness like Stoicism, studied Eastern philosophies on happiness like Buddhism, studied the psychology of positve and negative emotions and much much much more than that.

My dad would always walk away. My mom would get angry at me being emotional. I remember one memory where I didn't want to take a bath because I was exhausted. She'd shout at me at how I'm giving her such a hard time. How I was such a bad kid. And I'd will myself to get up badly and when I couldn't, I was in tears.  I remember that look of utter disdain in her eyes. Over and over again.

Another memory is when I was taken to a therapist. And I remember her saying that I was manipulating my mom with my tantrums and she shouldn't listen to me. I never came back.

It's been a few years since then. I'm now in my last years of highschool. Most of the time I manage to be in a good mood. Years of trying out multiple therapies on my own have done its work. I've gained some passions and hobbies as fascination tends to be my strongest emotion even though everything mace me bored and empty back then. I've managed to get a support system even if before the slightest openess to anyone made me collapse emotionally. I go to a site with free volunteer listeners and many have repeatedly told me I was one of the most determined and wisest they met.

I've gained some friends, even if it took months of a technique called loving kindness meditation to actually make me feel the slightest bit of closeness with anyone. I've decided to try to work towards making good in the world and I set myself to work on that. After months of talking through it, my parents are much more kind.

But sometimes, I still feel intensely depressed and anxious. Something triggers me. And I remember memories ... often the memory of my mom shouting at me. I'd relive the utter anxiety and loneliness I felt. The utter distrust of everyone I knew. And I'd think of everyone who has been and is kind to me and suspect they're all going to turn on me someday. I'd hate myself for not working hard enough, not being intelligent enough, not being physically fit enough, not being kind enough  and so on.I'd repeat memories where people criticized me - even gently or commented on something small - and tell myself that's proof that I'm not enough for myself and others.

And I remember that memory with my mom again. And I remember the kinds of thoughts I had back then.

That I was a bad kid. A really bad kid. And I never tried hard enough to be patient for myself, my mom and others around me. That I was never enough in every single way. That I am utterly useless, obviously worthless and forever weak.


And I think, someone love me. Someone please love me.