Messages

That's such a wonderful form of self-care to your little ones. I'm glad you can be kind to them. 

It's okay to rest when you need it, Berry.

Take care. 

Sometimes the people with invisible disabilities and illnesses take it the hardest. Usually, when someone pictures disabled or mentally ill, they imagine someone in a wheelchair or someone who's mentally unable to cope through life at all. But there are lots of more subtle disabilities that are unseen, and people may expect too much of that person in that area.

I'm sorry you feel lazy. I fully support your need to rest. 

Hi Frilly. Sorry, it's a trigger to you. I have no wise words. Just wish you the best. 

Well, hope you feel more rested, Memorex. Sometimes I feel so tired after getting stressed that I feel sick too.

I feel kinda petty today. I was curious about world issues, and it's a downer. I don't know about it, but I guess I got the message growing up that since I was the smart one, I'd have to take some responsibility to figure out something big for that.

On an achievement test, I got around the 99th or 98th percentile on everything except verbal ability — 92 percentile. People see changing the world as some admiring epic answer to happiness and admiration — but it didn't seem that way to me growing up.

I was smart, but . . . I was still a kid. That was terrifying to imagine to take.

I didn't want that responsibility.

I didn't want it.

All this time I've been afraid I'm crazy. I'm considering ideas I haven't before, and I remember in a math book I read, they talked about equations that are proved to be impossible to solve.

If I think about it — to know I'm sane or crazy is often judged by how I'm held within the major beliefs of society. But what if society is the one crazy? How can you tell? That's another "equation" that's impossible to solve.

If this goal is impossible to define, then sanity isn't a very helpful goal. Really, because sanity is a connection to reality, and hundreds of years ago, the Earth being flat was a reality. We think they're crazy today, and so will probably be humanity a hundred years from now. The addiction to be sane then is similar to the addiction to greed or status from its impossibility.

Maybe what I really should care about is to always have the doubt. To always have room to doubt that I'm wrong. I said my goals in life was to learn and to help people. I don't have to be "sane" for that, do I?

If I'd have to go insane for those two goals, then maybe I will.

So today I'll be crazy. Yes, I'm crazy, but at least I admit and starting to accept I'm crazy. Everyone is. No one is fully in touch with reality. I'm then fully in touch with the reality that no one is fully in touch with reality.

To admit I'm crazy makes me the least crazy.

Thanks, Ah, Kizzie, Deep Blue, and w.g. 

Suddenly I feel a lot better today because of you guys, especially to Ah and w.g's posts, mostly because I like lengthy ones. Heh. But Kizzie and Deep Blue, I did manage to expand around a little.

I remember one of the biggest contributors to my own confidence was a political class/STEM classes in school and all the debates there in what to do. I filter more of my natural directness out of concern  But over there? I was allowed to be direct, and other people were also. Many people were both friendly and blunt at the same time — and while I was too shy to join them most of the time — I was a lot like them in that sense.

I could help people out and inform them as an expression of my own deep compassion, while still being direct as I am in my head, and that's amazing. I've gotten less overly blunt from spending so much time on OOTS and tend to come off as more kind as a result, while still being direct enough to make a point.

I admit I'm still a little . . . too blunt, but I'm working on it. I've gotten more socially aware, and I've noticed I can a little uhh. . .  Sorry.

I found 2 real life friends I could debate and share information directly with. One guy has a more emotional idealistic perspective, while another has a clever excitable attitude with ideas. Both are intellectuals in different ways, and I like it.

Then I even had the courage to join in some wonderful online debates. Err. . . some people aren't as nice as me in controversial issues, but hey, I want to inform for other people to make better decisions and express ideas so I can be heard. Surprisingly, I take it well and it's incredibly freeing, or at least better than I thought. 

I don't know. I guess it's because my mind is made to differentiate into differing opinions than be someone entirely relatable. So it's a funny way to belong, while still being different. Different in a way that we make each other grow.

OOTS seems to have been the first place where people really get my issues -- instead of me having to explain through their misconceptions repeatedly. To be honest, I have a certain need for routine and support that makes me expect certain people to drop by for me at different times. I hold it in because of course. They have their own stresses to deal with and it'd be pretty rude to ask them to come all the time when I want to.

But having gone through most of my issues either entirely alone or misunderstood, I've gotten dependent on this place.  A part of me wants to be heard over and over again -- that more people would listen or spend more time with me -- but honestly, it never seems enough.

I wish I can learn to be a lot more emotionally independent so I don't have to bother people here that much. I've learned to nurture my own hurting little self more and more over time, but it just doesn't seem enough.

It's never enough.

Well, I can relate to finding it hard to trust people. I have trouble trusting people emotionally, and a bit of trouble understanding people intellectually. I do something similar to Eyessoblue where I joke around to cover up my more vulnerable self, especially when poking fun and laughing at my social clumsiness sometimes. But while it's healing at times, I still need certain people to take me seriously with emotional depth.

I have a habit of being a little too misunderstood in conversations. On OOTS, I can ponder on how to speak with more clarity but outside places like this, I get a little more complex than needed. I have all kinds of unique philosophies, views on life and personal definitions for different words that sometimes it feels like I've created a whole entire language of ideas in my solitude.

I grew up reading more books and online articles than talking to people in real life. I'm more influenced by the combination of different cultures I've read on those sources than I am in the culture of real life. I have too many difficult sounding and rarer interests/hobbies. 

Creating friends has become less hard. Creating deep friendships that are worthwhile is a lot harder. Harder when you're different.

It's alright to take things at your own pace here, and I'm glad that OOTS exists too. 

I don't enjoy looking at my own reflection either. I don't brush my teeth in the bathroom and more near the kitchen faucet without a mirror, and avoid looking at my reflection on digital screens when it's a black background. Less to do with a need to look beautiful than it does with gender dysphoria issues, but I feel a similar disgust.

Lots of us have issues with our own selves -- outside and inside. People are expected to be special to be loved, but that's nearly impossible -- since special implies there'll be several people who aren't special that are left out. Even those who are special in some way in some talent or another aren't happy. Lots of them get bombarded with messages of envy and hatred for them being better than others when they're just passionate about something they enjoy doing, and it's a sad thing to watch.

I'm in both situations in different areas in my life, and it's a lose-lose situation if you think about it. You don't need to be perfect to be loved and worth something. You're alright as you are.

for you if it's alright.

It's a funny thing that most of us, including me, aren't that aware of how little we're paying attention to things sometimes, huh? Dissociation doesn't help, and it's a little disorienting to not be as aware of daily life.

Hope you can ground yourself a little more, Hope. 

Hey glad you're tasking some time for yourself, Berry. Glad to hear about making a pretty good negotiation with your landlord for less pay. He seems nice, and I can relate. Sometimes I unintentionally project my flashbacks toward people who clearly intend no harm, but I guess we're doing our best.

I relate to that experience as a kid with religion. How they told everyone was equal in the face of God. There's a big death penalty debate in the country and people around have been raging over the arguments for a whole year. Most people here have grown cynical with the corruption and injustices here that they're vouching for it, but for me -- well, I think it's not so black and white either.

It reminds me of utilitarianism -- happiness for the greatest number. Everyone is equal in that they're counted as a single numerical value for morality, but if there are people that take the happiness of other people on purpose -- then that's not happiness for the greatest number is it?

People talk about all kinds of complicated moral questions with answers that supposedly work in all situations, but I think it's different for each context. There are so many factors, different kinds of people, different kinds of environments, cultures, laws, and so on that can potentially make each situation complicated.

I'm pretty confused myself -- a social disability isn't helping and I often make my own moral codes too rigid-- but I'm glad you're aware of what you don't know and trying to figure out anyway. You can't figure out the answers without figuring out the questions, so I'll be sticking with you to cheer that you can make your own.