Messages

Sanmagic: You are fine. The minimizing was only "perceived", not real. Damn that outer critic ;-)

Libby183: I have the same reservations. This is the first time I'm trying a supplement.

So now the real test begins. I was thrown off my temporary equilibrium this weekend. So we'll see whether  it was just situational (or placebo effect) or if I recover more easily. Resiliency is key.

Part of the throwing off was reconnecting here. Such a desire to connect, and yet so fraught with fear of mistakes and need for validation. Not consciously, rather the EF kind that blindsides you.

BiancaLap:

I SO get what you are talking about. And it took me years to give myself permission to NOT socialize when I just wasn't in the right place. That was healing for me, and I'm sorry you aren't being allowed that freedom :-(

Yes, safety and trust is core for me. I'd say I have 3 categories:
1) People I feel fully safe with. These are very few ... I should spend more time with them.
2) People I know can't be trusted. Fortunately I'm at a place in my life where I can and have ejected them. I hope you get there sooner rather  than later.
3) Everyone else. These I typically project my distrust on without having good evidence one way or another. I'm trying to let go of my internal narrative so I see them for who they truly are, without prejudging or needing anything.  That's hard, and a long term effort.

Gwyon

Libby: Interestingly, the peripheral pain and tingling is also one of the symptoms of B12 deficiency. Sorry you are struggling with fibromyalgia, too.

Sanmagic: Please forgive my somewhat defensive response. We're all sensitive, I think, to perceived minimizing of our struggles. But you did say "hugs". Hugs back.

Well, I wouldn't say "simple". More like a last, desperate Hail Mary pass that seems to have connected. ... so far. I'm on anti-depressants for many years. Regular exercise is not optional for me. I've done decades of hard personal work, always finding another layer.  I really sense that i've re-parented my internal dialogue, and become mindful of my EF'S so the don't completely high jack me. But in spite of all that I 've just gone through over a year of consistently feeling either disphoric, or just plain nothing. And was starting to think that I might have to resign my job as the mental and emotional fatigue was becoming debilitating. Nothing useful from my Dr on this, either. So I feel fortunate that I stumbled on the B12 possibility. And I'm acutely aware that it may well not last. I desperately hope it does. But it's not simple.

I am saddened and angry that so many males have caused so much trauma for young women, and that our female members suffer for it.

But the irony is that all my childhood  trauma was caused by women.

The two facts stated above result in a bit of cognitive dissonance for me.

(And yes. I froze as a child too.)

It's odd, and instructive, hearing you talk about it in this context. I'm sorry you get triggered like this, and that so many guys are so poorly behaved.

Freezing is the core pattern for me as well. It's triggered by any sense that i've said or done something "wrong" or am dissapointing in some way. Internal sense -- it need not be stated, or even be true. But I  freeze,  dissociate, lose connection with my true self.  Very often in the most intimate moments -- and I feel like a deer in the headlights, unable to respond in any meaningful way.

So, yes I recognize this. And the shame that follows. And the frustration with how it constricts my possibilities. As others have said, you are not alone.

But it's interesting the differences too. For you the freezing keeps you from saying no, and escaping. For me it keeps me from engaging and connecting.  Lots to ponder.

I don't see this elsewhere on this thread,  so I'll share this link to "Sensitive: The Movie"
http://sensitivethemovie.com/hsp/

I found this enlightening and empowering. I'm sure i'm hsp and that this contributed to the intense impact of my traumatc childhood.

Want to share this discovery with you all...

I started taking B12 supplements a week ago and they are having a profound positive effect: less mental fatigue, and having moments of (dare I say it) contentment for the first time in many, many months.

What lead me to B12 was an increasing, debilitating mental fatigue and discovering that a B12 deficiency can be one of the causes. Futher reading pointed to the importance of B12 in neurotransmitter production and neuron functioning.  Got my B12 measured and it was low normal -- so my Dr was not concerned.  But there is lots of debate out there about what's normal (Japan and Europe have a much higher normal threshold ) and lots of evidence that older folks can show symptoms even in the low normal range.

So, I started taking 2000mcg per day (sublingual tablets) last Saturday -- am now switching to 1000mcg per day going forwar. By Monday my mental fatigue was lifting. And during the week i've had multiple moments of feeling just warm and good -- which is a blessed relief after months and months of dysphoria or just plain nothing. Only a week in now and i'm fully cognizant -- as are we all -- of how short lived these types of "medicine-based" improvements can be. So we'll see,  and I will keep you posted.

My theory: my dopamine and seratonin production was way low, and supplementing with B12 has brought them back up again. I suspect I had a mild B12 deficiency. But also, I think those of us with c-ptsd are particularly sensitive to such deficiencies due to our compromised brain chemistry, and the terrific cognitive demands of down-regulating our limbic systems.

I post this with mild trepidation,  knowing that what is helpful for one person does not necessarily help someone else. So look into B12 deficiencies and if it seems you fit the pattern I highly recommend giving supplements a try.

One more thing: one of the causes of B12 deficiency can be taking meds to control GERD, which lowers stomach acid and lowers release and absorption  of B12. And of course I bet this community has a high frequency of GERD sufferers.

Again, I'll keep you posted as to whether the positive effects persist over the coming weeks.

 Glad to "see" you all again

These two "being found lacking / Someone finding fault" both trigger me. Even just the fear of them.

Yes, these are my core drivers. I must be perfect to be worthy. And beneath that is being neglected  as a newborn and being shamed as a child. So the unconscious narrative is "If only I do this next thing and avoid any mistakes. THEN maybe I'll be worthy"

I believe I am just  beginning to get a handle on it through mindful self-compassion. But it's slow, difficult progress.

Yes. Dirty or in disrepair. Could make a list, but then I'd have to think about them 

Ouch. I know the tidy up trigger well. And it doesn't necessarily need someone outside me, though my partner often triggers it. Sometimes everywhere I look and everything I think about is an indictment against me. I empathize.

deptofhearts, thx so much for sharing. A big yes to this:

Although it seems as though I am doing well... underneath I still am confused by emotions - for so long was on autopilot and am very scared (aka, cannot) reveal my true thoughts to others for fear of rejection and shame.   

Thank you too, Libby12

When the pain is deep down in your neural circuitry, how does one "rewire"?  Slowly, in any event...

Yes, absolutely.  Makes me angry and bitter sometimes, and has taken many years for me to no longer live in that anger.

But when I'm able to be present and clear, I also recognize it has carried a gift with it: I am more aware and empathetic and strong -- larger-- than I could otherwise have been.