Messages

Just to be clear, I wasn't intending to lessen the harm by using the word "tormentors". Although I do think torture implies an element of intent. Some of my torturers truly intended to do so... others were just broken and oblivious.

 Oh yes I know about this. Thanks for bravely sharing.

Ah,

I recognize this very clearly. 

For myself I understand it in multiple ways: a desperate attempt, visceral and unconscious, to not be rejected and abandoned; a deep seated belief that I truly am "bad";  a broken and paralyzed inner child. It took decades before I was sufficiently independent and powerful to entertain the notion that I was just fine and my tormentors as broken.

The aversion you are describing towards your past self strikes me as a measure of the clarity with which you are seeing things now. I have many moments of looking back and thinking, "Who WAS that person inhabiting my body back then?" .... recognizable yet so puzzling, and maddening.

Gwyon

Yep, I am in that space too. Movies for me.

Andyman73: Yes. And I think that the absence of safe connection in childhood -- that unmet need -- magnifies and complicates that basic, shared need for us.

DecimalRocket: Glad that you've found a place you can feel safe to trust.

I want to send supportive thoughts and wishes. I know this territory and am sorry you are suffering.  Please try to be kind to yourself.

Ah, thank you for sharing that. A big yes of recognition.

Yes, absolutely.  Felt like you were describing me.

It has been helpful to me to recognize these as emotional flashbacks -- that they are the triggering of neural circuits that got laid down long ago, and not a reflection of my true nature or character.

This is bringing to mind times as an adolescent when my family would give me a hard time about being sensitive, thinking "too much", being vegetarian, whatever. They would say, "If you can't take it at home you won't be able to take it out in the real world"

That's BS, of course. It was just an excuse for shaming me and making themselves feel superior at my expense. And your home should be a place where you are supported and loved -- where you get the solid foundation of "I'm OK". That's how you enter the "real world" with the strength, and resiliency, and compassion to weather the inevitable storms.

If you were shamed or injured (or both), don't believe the narrative that it was just the normal ups and downs. You deserved better, and so do the children now coming into the world.

Kindly.

east17,

It’s about how your experiences affected you. If you don’t experience the symptoms described on this forum then i'm happy for you and it doesn't matter how you label your childhood experiences.

Kindly.

A little epiphany. ...

I often give trust to people with whom I don’t yet feel safe -- share personal details, ask for connection or validation,  etc. Trying desperately  to heal the abandonment,  even when it is not safe to do so. No wonder those are also moments of feeling dissociated.

Might this be the paradox of simultaneously trusting yet not trusting that many have described on this thread?

This is an interesting conversation,  thank you.

I particularly relate to this from Libby12:

To me, the biggest question is whether people who haven't been traumatised by their past ....  just get treated better in all of their interactions or whether they simply don't notice anything

While I know I often see harm where none was intended, I also know that i've been shamed and alienated during adulthood due to my fears and social awkwardness. I think people are drawn to those who give them what they want (make them feel good, entertain them) and avoid those who don't,  or who make them feel uncomfortable.  So it's a double-bind --  I have learned to be more cautious and protective to not be re-traumatized, and yet I have to also take leaps of faith if I want to build (or re-build) connections, as well.

I think more in terms of 'do I feel safe'. There are very few, and it takes a very long time.  And it seems that circle has gotten narrower over time.

Listening to Tara Brach's podcasts has been extremely valuable to me in
beginning to develop compassionate awareness towards my inner life:
https://www.tarabrach.com/talks-audio-video/

I particularly recommend these 2:

* On managing difficult emotions with RAIN: Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture
https://www.tarabrach.com/dissolving-trance-rain/

* 'Healing Trauma: The Light Shines Through the Broken Places'
https://www.tarabrach.com/healing-trauma/

Thanks all. It's informative and validating to meet folks with similar stories & challenges.

Thanks Gromit.   

This all sounds very familiar to me. I suspect I was a difficult  baby (I had breath-holding spells and was sensitive to any sensory stimulus) and if a mother is depressed it must be doubly hard to cope and stay engaged.