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This holiday season is just beating me down. The last few months have felt like a consistent downward slide and the good days/feelings never last. It seems like therapy, heavying up on my meds, and sleep are the only things that help, but only ever for a short period of time. I'm starting to feel like I might be losing it.

I've been looking into a few IOP options nearby that my insurance will cover as a sort of stop gap. But I keep having second thoughts. Worrying that my situation isn't really that bad or that the other patients and doctors at any reputable place will think I'm just looking for attention. I also don't want to hurt my SO, the people who love me, and my career by taking all the time out to get treatment that I can't even confidently say I need. Has anyone ever had this experience before? How do you decide if IOP or even IP is something to pursue? And how do you convince yourself that it's okay to move forward with it?

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We're all different and our needs are all different. 

This idea that if you're not working in the traditional sense you're not contributing to society is bull.  Taking care of yourself and becoming your best self is contributing.  You're contributing here on the forum helping others.  I love reading your posts. 

This is a really loving sentiment, Kat. I agree with you 100%. I've started to feel that all of us here are basically in family/group therapy together, trying to support ourselves and one another in between all the other stuff we do day-to-day. And there are some people who are posting on here so often, just sharing their experiences and their pain and their love. If you think about it as a form of therapy, then yeah! it's basically an extra daily appointment to deal with your emotional stress plus time spent being everyone's else's therapist, too, which people are literally paid to do as a profession. So everyone here should feel proud that they are putting in that extra effort.

Thank you for sharing this with us, Blueberry. You're absolutely right. It's a full-time job just trying to cope with my mind, let alone integrate and progress through the day-to-day activities that I need to do to stay financially and physically stable. It's funny: people sometimes talk as if the whole "adult experience" of working, commuting, going to the store, cleaning the house, etc is this crushing, thing - and maybe for them, that's true! - but I can't even process those items fully until I've worked through all the CPTSD symptoms for the moment and by the time that's done, I'm exhausted.

Just an anecdote: I tend to be late for work. I stay in bed longer than I should trying to self-regulate before I get up so that I'm not a crazy monster first thing. And I allow myself to take the time I need to feel myself. My boss doesn't care at all because the first half-hour of the day is down-time anyway. But there are these two co-workers who always make these sly comments about how those of us who have kids (which I don't) have a valid reason to be late but the rest of us (aka me) should really get it together. As if kids are the only thing in the world that could cause enough mental, emotional, and psychological stress to make the mornings hard. I think I'm going to save this post so that the next time it happens, I can come back and remind myself that I DO have "kids" I have to wrangle every morning, and that's okay.

I feel that adding the root "psycho-" anywhere in the diagnosis alienates a great many people whose trauma involved or was composed significantly of physical abuse. Yes, a portion of the trauma is psychological and a great many of it's resulting symptoms are, as well, but in the spirit of accepting and normalizing all types of experience, I think leaving the word "traumatic" as is would be most appropriate.

Congratulations on making this big and incredible life decision!! We don't actually know each other IRL or anything, but I want you to know that I felt so proud of you while reading this, and I hope you feel proud of yourself, as well. You're taking an amazing step for yourself.

I echo Three Roses in saying that contacting the police is probably a good idea. Controlling people are often crafty, and I'm sure it wouldn't be hard for your FOO to craft a story about worrying for your safety in order to get the police to cooperate if they felt lying would benefit them. And as Three Roses stated, the police may have seen something similar before and could offer advice.

One thing that did occur to me: generally when renting a place, you have to use your legal name and SSN, which goes into a number of databases and information banks. I remember when I first bought a house, I suddenly started getting letters from mortgage companies, home improvement places, all kind of companies I'd never heard of just because we when through the title transfer process. Until you're able to get your name legally changed, you may want to look into ways to protect yourself from that kind of information sharing so that your FOO won't be able to get their hands on anything. You'd think it would be impossible for them to do so, but public records are more extensive than you'd think. The police may be able to offer some guidance on this.

I don't know much about name changes so I'm not going to come at your last question from that perspective, but it seemed a little symptom-ish for you to worry that the literal abuse that you went through wouldn't be enough for you to do anything you need to do to get away. So I just want to remind you that what you went through is real and valid; what you've felt and are feeling now is valid; you are good enough; you deserve to be free of your abusers and as terrible as your experiences were, they gave you the strength to push for your needs when you want/need to. You've already proven that by setting up this plan to find your freedom. So keep pushing and make it happen. We all know that you can do this

I wish you the best of luck!! Keep us posted if you can?

I've accepted that she lives within me. I don't censor her, I just tell her that she can only intervene or comment when it's appropriate. I will consciously call her up when I have something or someone difficult to deal with; she's fearless, outspoken and honest.

I just want to thank you for - once again! - putting a more positive spin on something that feels so negative. I like that you're able to give positive attributes to your Inner Angry Teen; to give her due credit for her strengths in addition to her weaknesses; to find space for her to exist in a way that actually serves you. I aspire to be more like you in that regard.

For me, being in the present is hard, because it means to stop thinking what will happen in the future, to stop analyzing what may happen, to guard down... so it feel dangerous. It feel dangerous to be in the present...

I completely resonate with this Blanca, and I agree that it feels incredibly dangerous to stop planning and preparing. For a long, long time, analyzing the circumstances and trying to plan an escape route was the only way I (and I imagine maybe you, too) had to ensure that any potential damage was minimized. We always had to be looking forward because it was the only way to know when we needed to armor-up and get in the defensive position. It was the only way to protect ourselves.

I think forward-thinking becomes a habit. It feels productive and safe. But it also alienates you from the present, which can be bad in its own way. It's like you said, you aren't aware that you aren't in the present until you suddenly are aware, and then you feel even more insecure and exposed. And how they heck are you supposed to give into the present when it feels so wrong, right?

I guess what I mean to say is that you aren't alone, and I would argue that what you're experiencing is the natural response to your previous experiences. I know that doesn't make it easier or less painful, but I hope it helps you feel less weird. My hope for you is that you come to feel safe someday.

It absolutely sounds familiar, and I think Blue is right in saying that it sounds like an EF situation. I think we end up arguing because we feel like we need to somehow defend ourselves against the perceived attack, even if the "attack" is happening mostly in our minds and/or we know it's not important in the slightest. It's a defense mechanism, you know? A wounded animal (or person!) is going to fight back, flailing, desperate to protect their wounds so they don't appear weak. It's a terrible experience to have over something so objectively insignificant, but I think it's also kind of normal for people who have a history of abuse.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. That you have to continue to suffer for what someone else did to you when you couldn't help it. But I think realizing that it's not helpful - as you have  - is the first step to unraveling that ball of pain in your chest and finding a path that works better for you. I hope you find that path

CONGRATULATIONS!!! I hope you enjoy them so much. Send us pictures if you can

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. It kind of sounds like your body is against you right now, and that's really not fair. It makes sense that you'd be tired after fighting it so hard, especially with the severity spiking after so many years.

This may be an intrusive question so please feel free to ignore it, but do you think there may be some outside forces or maybe EFs contributing to this flare up? Any sources you might be able to minimize or let go of for a bit until you feel more under control?

Please continue to lean on us. We're here to help you get through this, even if it's just by listening.

I just want every one of you to know that I think facing that kind of trauma is the most incredible and brave thing a person could do. I completely understand the shame that must come with having that "stamp" on you, so to speak, so it makes sense that you would want to hide anything that labels you as someone who experienced sexual abuse, including that book. I know that shame a bit; my experience with sexual abuse was so early in life that I remember it more like a movie than something that happened to me. So I can't 100% relate, and I'm sorry if this is more painful than helpful to you. All the same, I hope someday you can come to see yourselves the way I do: as amazing, strong women who overcame the impossible.

What you went through is unforgivable, but the way you have survived it's aftermath is amazing. You are all survivors in the truest sense, and that is something to be respected. I hope that book, hidden or on your coffee tables, helps you to celebrate your own resilience. Some day.

Love to you all

My experience: on really bad days when I couldn't move out of my isolation and phone somebody or go out of the house, my pets were a sort of lifesaver because at least I talked to them. I'd sit down next to them and watch them going about their day and they'd interact with me in their little ways, trying to get my attention. Or just lying there relaxing and watching me. And sometimes I had to go out because I needed to procure food or other supplies for them. Having them gave me strength for a long time, a reason to keep living, a reason to get out of bed, a reason to look after myself: I've fed them so now I'll get something to eat too. 

This has been my experience as well. I have a sweet 3-year old cat named Zyla. She's feisty as heck and very talkative. She always seems to know when I'm having a rough day and will talk to me, cuddle me, or just be nearby. Pets are more intuitive than you think. And as Blue stated, sometimes just having another living creature to care for can be remarkably motivating, even if it's just to get out of bed and go to the local grocery for pet food. You have to take care of yourself to take care of them, and they return the favor.

So if you think you're ready and able to care for those beautiful doves, I'd say go for it.

Well, mine is from the book House of Leaves. I'm obsessed with that book and also with the companion album, Haunted.

I have been trying to finish that book for ages and it just keep getting away from me. It seems like one of those books that you really have to commit to, like on a vacation or something like that. I had no idea there was a companion album though - thanks for putting that out there!

Sanmagic, I love that your name is inspired by all the magic in the world. That's a really beautiful sentiment, and something I think we can all benefit from sometimes. Just knowing there is some other force out there that is creating good in the world.

Mine is a combination of two things: the word "resilient," which is what I am aiming to be more and more everyday, and the first two letters of my name. Res Ca. Because I am resilient.

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Hi Sceal. I'm so sorry that you're struggling. I just wanted to echo Elphanigh in saying that I understand what you're going through, and I'd venture to say it makes complete sense for people who have experienced the kind of trauma we have. Your body and mind and soul were under constant onslaught for so long, and they had to find a way to protect you from the pain. Hypervigilance and keeping to yourself are two completely logical ways of ensuring that protection, at least as far as the brain is concerned.

The mind is a funny thing. It doesn't always do what we want it to, at least not easily. It takes a lot of strength, so it makes sense that you would feel worn down by the effort. But feeling tired means that you put forth the effort in the first place, to recognize your pain, feel it out, try to come to terms with in internally. That effort is so important. It means that you're moving forward, slowly maybe, but slowly forward.

You can do this. We're all here to support you. And one day, being okay will barely feel like effort at all anymore. Promise

I don't have anything to contribute right now, probably because I'm going through a bit of a rough patch But I wanted to tell you all how much I value this community and this discussion in particular.

woodsgnome: Your post was truly inspiring. I'm bookmarking it to come back to when I'm feeling a bit more myself. Thank you so much.

sanmagic: We meet again! I've had meltdowns over that exact same thought, so sending hugs and love your way because it's a tough moment to get through. I hope to have your same reaction next time; to know that I have to protect myself now, just as you've said.

Lingurine: Thank you for starting this and sharing your strength with us. You're right: it's time to be free. I hope that you and everyone else here can find that freedom and support each other toward that goal.