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Messages - Cookido

#91
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Emotional numbness
November 15, 2017, 01:07:39 PM
I fake emotions most of the time, I don't even think anyone notice. I react with expressions automatically and I barely have to think about faking it anymore, except when I have very bad anxiety.

My emotions did come back when I had therapy and medication for depression. However, I fall into the same patterns when enduring high stress.

I did relate to the comment from Resca about butterflies. Sometimes I get almost euphoric feelings over the smallest things and I try and stay in that moment for as long as possible just to remember the joy of feeling. Not sure it helps, but it definitely makes me stay motivated to fight for change.
#92
AV - Avoidance / Re: Very few memories of childhood...
November 15, 2017, 11:17:24 AM
I experience the same as you. When I look back at my memories from my childhood, it's like observing someone else. I don't feel as if it's my life I'm remembering, which also makes me question if it's real or if I just made up a whole story around my life.

What helped me was talking to a friend who were around during my childhood and later years. She could confirm a lot of the things I experienced and she had also experienced some of the same things. She was the one who took initiative to talk about it, because I would never feel able to bring it up myself. I was lucky in that way and not everyone has the possibility to view their trauma from another persons perspective.  But if you have someone you feel safe talking to who have known you as a child, it might help sharing memories to someone who can confirm the reality of it.

This is just my personal experience and I have not myself yet been to therapy for CPTSD. I can therefore not say if it would help or do harm for you.
#93
It happens quite often to me that I space out from reality. I wasn't aware of it being dissociation until recently. Sometimes I think back and I can't remember the past few weeks, it's like a blur in my mind. My lack of memory can really make me feel like I exist outside of reality. It's a hard realisation that friends, family and the rest of the world continue living while I seem to be stuck in the same place. 

I also think that due to lacking memories of my childhood it increases the feeling of not having an identity and therefore not being someone. However, we are several people experiencing this which means our feelings and thoughts are real. At least for me it helps hearing others stories because it gives a sense of not being alone or alienated.