Messages

I feel like staying here today. Lay down under a blanket and sleep, being alone and not deal with anything, have no obligations. Forget all relationships and just be with myself.

I enjoy my own company but it was a long time since I had a whole day just hanging out with my own thoughts.

Whobuddy, I agree with what you said. I will try and bring up feeling on the next session. I don't think she understands it. In the first session with her she told me "I know that you can express your feelings." It was odd I think, we had just met. I'm not sure what she meant and I never asked. I don't remember why she said it either or in what context. It just left me with the thought that she assumes a lot about me without asking.

Deep Blue, it's difficult. I'm used to the pain by now and I find it comforting at times because it makes me focus at the pain instead of other things. Sometimes I eat things I shouldn't, knowing I will hurt from it, just because the pain is familiar. The belly pain isn't dangerous so I never really cared too much. But burning sounds very physical to me.  I hope that you being aware will help you keep yourself from burning yourself. I thought about bringing IBS up on the forum, I suspected others might suffer of it.  For me it's a very big part of my life and identity by now, but I also find the symptoms embarrassing.

Sorry I meant that IBS can come from trauma not be the cause of it! Silly mistake.

Morelia, I have IBS too, it truly sucks. I have read that IBS can be the cause of trauma. My symptoms get a lot worse from stress. I eat a FODMAP diet which has helped as well. I suggest you try it because I know how difficult life can be when you have to base it on your stomach and belly issues.

Blueberry, your response really hit me. The reason I said it wasn't cptsd realted is because I read about it on internet that it can be due to stress. But I relate to the intellectual abuse you described. When I was a kid, up till teenage years, I could barely spell and my teachers thought I had dyslexia (I have not). My parents used to read back the things I wrote and mock me and my brother (who had the same issues) when something was misspelled. I'm so sensitive about my spelling even today, I had a hard time accepting the OOTS spell-check button disappeared. Also talking, like using the "wrong" word, was and is heavily critized by my parents. What you wrote gave new perspective on this matter.

[Dissociation and depersonalization]

Dissociation and depersonalization: I wasn't aware of the symptoms until I found OOTS half a year ago.

Speech: when I'm stressed I mix up the order of words when I talk. In my thoughts it's correct but I say it wrong outloud. My partner started to point it out. Not really cptsd related but more stress related.

Emotions: I realised there are emotions I havn't felt. Most of my life I've viewed emotions as a thought and not a feeling. My progress on relaxing has taught me that feelings are felt in the body as well.

Pannick attacks: I knew of anxiety attacks but I used to believe that the pannick attacks were just me having low blood sugar.

I met with the T today and brought up my questions. I explained that I don't want to talk about my trauma so early on, she accepted that.

Overall it went better than last time. I didn't feel as hopeless and I accepted that the T might be able to help me with other things for now.

The T askes a lot what I am feeling. What I feel now, what I felt when I talked about that, what my partner means to me. I find these questions very difficult to answer and it really bothers me that she asks them. In the moment when I'm being asked I don't feel anything. I was crying during the session, it surprised me, she asked how I was feeling and I didn't know what the feeling was. Did I cry because I was sad? Hurt? Betrayed? For me, in that moment, I was just crying.

I tried to explain how I percieve feelings to the T, but the session ended and I'm not sure if I made any sense.

I also felt with what you said about checking out. There's another expression I relate to "I don't want to die, I just don't want to live" which I at times feel quite strongly.

It is frustrating and unfair to feel or think this way. I hope you get strengh to get out of it. Maybe try and distract yourself at night when the thoughts pop up. I found it helpful to write down negative thoughts in a note book and then leave them in the book till morning when I can deal with them more properly. At night it's hard to deal with thoughts anyway, because we all need our sleep and that should be priority number one. Everything else goes in the book.

Thank you sanmagic7, your words are always very comforting and wise. I fell asleep after I wrote this, waking up I felt stronger again.

I will ask her next week about her experience with trauma, and if she does not have any experience I think what you said about her helping with other things is a good idea. I didn't think of that.

Setting goals feels very important and making a plan. I don't understand how there can be treatment without it. The risk of getting stuck feels pretty big. I will defenitely bring up what goals I have, what I can expect from her and what is expected of me.

Lastly, it brought a smile to my face when you wrote that "we are real, we hear you". It made me glad, especially because I don't have to worry about being judged. I appriciate it so much. Thank you! ♡

Met the therapist today and it didn't go well. I'm so disappointed and feels like I'm on square one again.

The T. started asking about the trauma 5 min into the conversation. I answered what I could, I had a feeling it was necessary. I was surprised still because she should have read my refferal with several pages of my journal.

Eventually I realised there was no point in me telling except having conversation. How is it helping to conversate about my trauma? I feel like crying just thinking about it. I asked if the T. knew about dissociation. She said no. I explained what happens when I dissociate and the issues around it and I asked how she will deal with that. She said she hope she will notice if I dissociate and hopefully help me out of it. Okay, but how, if you don't know anything about it!?

I feel offended that she read my journal and felt she could deal with my problems. I'm thinking that I will give her a second chance next meeting, to explain what it was about my problems she felt she could support me in.

I also asked if there was a plan or anything for the therapy and she said no. I'm just gonna go there and talk about what I feel like that day. But what about dealing with trauma, dissociation, flashbacks, stress, numbness, lack of trust, negative thoughts, obsessive thoughts, inner child and critic. Will that just solve itself in the process of me talking about whatever I'm able to talk about?

I'm so confused. I feel small and worthless, like my issues don't excist. I feel like I'm going crazy again. I even think that maybe OOTS is just some comforting part of my imagination that I made up to not feel so lonely. How f*cked up is that!? No person I meet in person takes my issues seriously. They don't believe in them. They don't know or understand them. How can it be real then?

I realise I can dump this T. and re-do the whole process. I can in theory. But in practice, I don't think I can.

[Gravity]

Beautiful song, especially that it has positivity in it. Felt like sharing some of the lines out of my favorite band. I relate a lot to Maynard's music and turns out he went through childhood trauma as well.

Gravity - A Perfect Circle

Lost again. Broken and weary, unable to, find my way. Tail in hand. Dizzy and clearly unable to, just let this go.

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown. Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun. I choose to live.

I fell again. Like a baby unable to stand on my own. Tail in hand. Dizzy and clearly unable to just let this go. High and surrendering to gravity and the unknown. Catch me, heal me, lift me back up to the sun. I choose to live, I choose to live, I choose to live.

Catch me, heal me, lift me back up to the sun.
Help me survive the bottom.

The Remedy - Puscifer

Stick around if your house broken. Can't hold your s*it, hold your tongue, you got to go. Should you choose to react like an imbecile, you'll in turn be treated so.

Yes, we're being condescending. Yes, that means were talking down to you. With all that racket from you lips a-flapping. We assumed you didn't notice.

The Humbling River - Puscifer

Nature, nurture heaven and home
Sum of all, and by them, driven
To conquer every mountain shown
But I've never crossed the river

Braved the forests, braved the stone
Braved the icy winds and fire
Braved and beat them on my own
Yet I'm helpless by the river

Thank you Mia2017. You have been through a lot, and it sounds very difficult. Though it also seems like you've been able to reflect on your past and I hope my partner will be able to do so as well and understand the events better.

I also saw that my partners father was very dependent on the mother, something she used to her advantage as well. But JuniperShadow makes good points that the father also has responsibilities in the relationship. My partner did get very hurt when his dad didn't take his side, even when he had asked for help. I guess it was something he always expected from his mother but not from his dad, which maybe hurt even more.

I sleep bad in periods. I found a way to fall asleep easier by imagining stories and get fully in my mind, which relaxes my body. It avoids me thinking of every little tension, itch or other uncomfortable things.

It doesn't always work though. Tonight I struggled falling asleep and woke up middle of the night and literally jumped out of bed because I dreamt a huge spider was in the bed. At night I can't sometimes tell dream from reality and it freaks me out. Me dreaming of spiders is usually a sign of stress and yesterday was very stressful.

I think finding signals of stress might be good, maybe keep a dream journal to know your sleep patterns better? Try different things, maybe you find something surprising that works well for you.

Resca, you explained it spot on. I've always felt that emotional pain is worse than physical pain, in many ways.

Thank you Slim for the article!