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Messages - Cookido

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General Discussion / Re: What's your most hidden PTSD symtom?
« on: May 01, 2018, 07:06:55 PM »
Sceal, I wonder if we are from the same country. The whole culture is based on not being better than others but at the same time be successful with only yourself as support (individualism). I also related to what you wrote about thinking in english. A thought in english can mean less than the same thought in my own language. But it might also just be that I use english on a daily basis due to my partner being from another country.

General Discussion / Motivation
« on: April 25, 2018, 03:05:48 PM »
I've been thinking a lot about motivation and why it disappeared. All through life I've been motivated to do something, long term.

After I got a bad panick attack I decided to "quit" my school assignment (and do it later. If later happens). I argued it was due to focusing on my health. I understand more now that it's due to lack of motivation. It's all dead. I don't mind going to the therapist or do house chores or other every day things, I don't feel depressed. But I don't have any motivation for the future or long term plans.

It's scary because I've never been completely out of long term goals. How do I get the motivation back? I think it could help knowing the cause behind it, but I'm not sure what that is.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Dissociated
« on: April 24, 2018, 11:31:00 PM »
Deep Blue, thank you, your post made me ralise it was a while ago I took a really long shower. It usully helps. Getting caught up in thoughts makes it kinda easy to forget about the basics.

SE7, too bad about the interview. I'm in the stage of waiting for an answer. There should be more fun ways to get a job. Thank you for sharing your way to cope, I'll check out the link!

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Dissociated
« on: April 24, 2018, 09:50:03 AM »
I'm a bit in the same situation as you. I can't see a way out and all I feel like doing is resting. Even so, I still do a lot of the things I should do. I apply for jobs, I went to an interview, and it leaves me feeling more exhausted, and a future fades even more. I don't dare to think about a future even because the only thing I can think is that I'm f*cked.

So basically I can relate and I'm also interessted what others have to say. Can't really come with coping or solutions because I'm not there yet.

I can relate to some of the things you have written. I can only give you my view in the matter and what has helped me. First, it is okay to be sexually active and fantasize. It is your mind and your fantasy only. What I think might help, which you might have tried already, is to quit porn entierly. It might help to not get exposed to things you feel uncomfortable with.

Many of my friends have had one night stands or have a FWB. However, I think it might not be for everyone. I have a friend who does it as a destructive behavior, which leaves here feeling worse than before. For others, it's a fun experience. I've never tried it myself and can't really say more than that.

Other / Re: The Healing Porch2: Rest for Weary Souls
« on: April 23, 2018, 02:36:56 PM »
I feel like staying here today. Lay down under a blanket and sleep, being alone and not deal with anything, have no obligations. Forget all relationships and just be with myself.

I enjoy my own company but it was a long time since I had a whole day just hanging out with my own thoughts.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: I chose wrong
« on: April 16, 2018, 02:06:04 PM »
I like vanilla, thank you for the info, I never thought that something like it might excist but it's worth asking for!

I talked to my supervisor and I have the option to do the candidate later, like during summer or next semester, but most likely without supervision. Right now I'm too stressed to feel anything about it but I know I have time and options to think it through and focus on myself at least. I don't have to come up with any solutions right now.

I worry a bit about telling others. My parents asked how it went with my writing and I said it went fine. When my brother quit his uni study they tried hard to talk him into continuing so I think they will do the same for me.

Therapy / Re: Met with T - loosing sense of reality
« on: April 16, 2018, 01:58:16 PM »
Whobuddy, I agree with what you said. I will try and bring up feeling on the next session. I don't think she understands it. In the first session with her she told me "I know that you can express your feelings." It was odd I think, we had just met. I'm not sure what she meant and I never asked. I don't remember why she said it either or in what context. It just left me with the thought that she assumes a lot about me without asking.

General Discussion / Re: What's your most hidden PTSD symtom?
« on: April 15, 2018, 11:55:05 PM »
Deep Blue, it's difficult. I'm used to the pain by now and I find it comforting at times because it makes me focus at the pain instead of other things. Sometimes I eat things I shouldn't, knowing I will hurt from it, just because the pain is familiar. The belly pain isn't dangerous so I never really cared too much. But burning sounds very physical to me.  I hope that you being aware will help you keep yourself from burning yourself. I thought about bringing IBS up on the forum, I suspected others might suffer of it.  For me it's a very big part of my life and identity by now, but I also find the symptoms embarrassing.

General Discussion / Re: What's your most hidden PTSD symtom?
« on: April 15, 2018, 02:40:45 PM »
Sorry I meant that IBS can come from trauma not be the cause of it! Silly mistake.

General Discussion / Re: What's your most hidden PTSD symtom?
« on: April 15, 2018, 02:38:46 PM »
Morelia, I have IBS too, it truly sucks. I have read that IBS can be the cause of trauma. My symptoms get a lot worse from stress. I eat a FODMAP diet which has helped as well. I suggest you try it because I know how difficult life can be when you have to base it on your stomach and belly issues.

General Discussion / Re: What's your most hidden PTSD symtom?
« on: April 13, 2018, 11:55:40 PM »
Blueberry, your response really hit me. The reason I said it wasn't cptsd realted is because I read about it on internet that it can be due to stress. But I relate to the intellectual abuse you described. When I was a kid, up till teenage years, I could barely spell and my teachers thought I had dyslexia (I have not). My parents used to read back the things I wrote and mock me and my brother (who had the same issues) when something was misspelled. I'm so sensitive about my spelling even today, I had a hard time accepting the OOTS spell-check button disappeared. Also talking, like using the "wrong" word, was and is heavily critized by my parents. What you wrote gave new perspective on this matter.

General Discussion / Re: What's your most hidden PTSD symtom?
« on: April 13, 2018, 01:47:12 PM »
Dissociation and depersonalization: I wasn't aware of the symptoms until I found OOTS half a year ago.

Speech: when I'm stressed I mix up the order of words when I talk. In my thoughts it's correct but I say it wrong outloud. My partner started to point it out. Not really cptsd related but more stress related.

Emotions: I realised there are emotions I havn't felt. Most of my life I've viewed emotions as a thought and not a feeling. My progress on relaxing has taught me that feelings are felt in the body as well.

Pannick attacks: I knew of anxiety attacks but I used to believe that the pannick attacks were just me having low blood sugar.

Therapy / Re: Met with T - loosing sense of reality
« on: April 12, 2018, 09:27:31 PM »
I met with the T today and brought up my questions. I explained that I don't want to talk about my trauma so early on, she accepted that.

Overall it went better than last time. I didn't feel as hopeless and I accepted that the T might be able to help me with other things for now.

The T askes a lot what I am feeling. What I feel now, what I felt when I talked about that, what my partner means to me. I find these questions very difficult to answer and it really bothers me that she asks them. In the moment when I'm being asked I don't feel anything. I was crying during the session, it surprised me, she asked how I was feeling and I didn't know what the feeling was. Did I cry because I was sad? Hurt? Betrayed? For me, in that moment, I was just crying.

I tried to explain how I percieve feelings to the T, but the session ended and I'm not sure if I made any sense.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: I chose wrong
« on: April 12, 2018, 07:56:01 PM »
Thank you all for the support, it means a lot ♡ I would like to write more but I'm still out of energy. I will try and not beat myself up over this and also not think too much of the future.

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