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I'm constantly stiff in my shoulders and neck area which causes a lot of pain. I don't even dare to go to a specialist because when my partner massages me I usually start to cry because it's such a nice relief haha.

A hot hot shower relaxes my shoulders, only thing I found that helps. Started working out yesterday because it's supposed to help against shoulder and back pains, but reading what Blueberry said it makes me wanna stay a couch potato!

Never felt pain on the skin though. I can be very cold or loose feeling instead.

Slackjaw99,

Why not derail the process before you ever get to the point of being disappointed! What if the therapist turns out to be a good one? Then there's a lot of difficult work to be done such as looking at past traumas.

That pretty much sums up my thought process. I find it hard to admit to myself that I think these things but when reading your answer it made me feel like the thoughts are okay and maybe even normal. I'm very glad you took time to give your answer, it was helpful, thank you ♡

I relate to what you said about finding comfort in having kind of a "kindergarden" schedule. I make up a plan for myself for the whole day and I dislike being disturbed in that, or having sudden change of plans. I'm not very spontanious.

I used to live in a very controlling environment while I also had to take a lot of own responsibility. That might be a contributing factor to my behavior.

I think sleep is a very interessting topic, and I think it's worthy of its own section, personally.

Doesn't sound too comfortable to sleep with your arm like that. Maybe you are shielding yourself? It's difficult when we do things without being aware of it, and not able to be aware, like in sleep. How did you find out about your sleeping position, if you don't mind me asking? You don't have to answer.

Lately I've been sleep-talking more, rarely sleep-walking. My partner has noticed. I'm always curious to what I say in my sleep, also worried I say something "bad". Strange feeling, like another person takes control during the night.

Thank you all for your advice and support. I managed to send the letter today after a whole day of resting and clearing my head. Also, just writing my worries down was helpful, it gave perspective. Thinking about writing diary again, it might help sorting out my sometimes messy thoughts.

sanmagic7, thank you for your kind words. I took your advice and rested. It was indeed needed!

Blueberry, I relate to your description. It has become better since I started living on my own though. Maybe relates back to being told to do things without having much control?

Dee, I do the calendar marking too, I love my calendar. ♡ Never wrote down the "post letter" though. And kudos to you for the call! I hope it went alright too.

I got a referral from the doctor for therapy, it's a good thing, but I just felt tired. I have to find my own therapist, and I've been looking, writing emails (calling is difficult). It's so hard for some reason, I manage to write one and then my energy is lost.

Eventually I did get a positive answer, therapy, even in my own city. But I havn't written them back yet, it was 3 days ago. Why don't I write back? What's keeping me? I usually do everything I should. I went through meeting the doctor, answering all his questions and now I decide to be passive!?

It's frustrating. I want someone to tell me to do it or help me do it, be there when I look for help and support me. I guess that's what's wrong.

Oh woaw, I thought for a while I wrote your post because I'm literally in the same situation with my BF from 3 years back. Kinda gave me a scare for a bit that I without knowing wrote in the forum, because I've been dwelling on the subject a lot. Glad you brought it up. 

I dissociate quite often during sex lately. I don't feel my body, I'm in my head thinking about, well, everything. It's uncomfortable and not sure how to tell my BF.

What helps I've noticed is to set limits, if I notice that I dissociate, then I stop the act. I need to feel safe and comfortable during sex. I need to feel that I'm in control and that my partner is on the same page as I am. Sex shouldn't be forced, it should be enjoyable for both parts. Maybe try longer foreplay just to make sure you are relaxed and safe, and stop if you feel like you aren't in the moment. And also, it is okay to not want sex or not feel like it, it's your decision.

This is my experience of it, hope it can help. And you are not alone either.

I can't help but feel that if I had got some understanding and validation and sympathy,  I might not be in the almost constant physical and emotional pain that I have been in for years.

I thought this many times too. I don't think my parents hurt me on purpose, I think they literally don't understand the concept and importance of feelings and caring. And as you said, they find pride in it. Which also makes it impossible to ever talk to them about these things.

Kinda going off topic, but basically trying to say I related to your post too Libby183.

"And where does it hurt today then?"
When I seeked comfort for pain as a child, and instead was mocked and laughed at by my parents. I learned early not to express my feelings.

"I despise weakness"
"We don't believe in mental illness"
"Learn to take criticism" 

MlangS, I've experienced "forgetting" who my own partner is, whom I've been together with for over 2 years. For a moment he was a complete stranger and the feelings I had towards him was not based in reality.

I forget a lot of things, it rarely happens that I forget important things. But it has happened that I for example forgot friends names, pincodes I use every day like my phone or bank card or my own age. 

Three Roses: thank you!! That makes searching a lot easier, I'll check it out.

sanmagic7: what you described sounds like a very good therapist.. and I think I'll borrow your description to tell the doctor, if you don't mind haha. ♡

Went back to this thread because I rememberd I got a lot of helpful answers. Reading through them again gave me hope and strengh, but also a reminder that I will meet obstacles.

Today I faced one of thouse obstacles and maybe any of you have some tips for me? The doctor I met today also didn't know about CPTSD, but he was open for it and asked me to bring information about the diagnosis and tell what symptoms I could recognize. What I found more difficult was when he asked me to give examples of treatment. That's the whole reason I turn to therapy, because I don't know how to cope with the trauma? I told him, but he said treatment also depends on what I feel comfortable with, which I can agree on.

What I thought about mentioning are things I've read on this forum, as in this thread. Like having someone who knows about the diagnosis. Someone I can trust. Treatment to deal with emotions like guilt and to be able to recognize my own needs before others, in order to build an identity. Coping strategies for EFs and dissociation.

I don't know any treatment methods for trauma though, not sure if what I'm describing is too unspecific for it to lead to any treatment? I've been looking around on the page but got lost in everything and couldn't find anything about specific treatments, maybe there aren't any?

All of your anwers have truly been amazing.

Three Roses; I guess it might have to do with creativity, I've done it for as long as I can remember. Like Contessa also stated, a subreddit might not be the greatest sorce of information. It did however trigger a lot of thinking, though, so have your answers as well, but in a more positive way!

DecimalRocket; your examples makes sense to me, thank you. I got stuck in the negative, but nothing is black and white and I feel like I can allow myself to enjoy this part of me.

Ah; "Our reactions are totally normal in the abnormal circumstances we had to endure." I will make sure to remember that!

sanmagic7; thank you, your text really made me feel like I should cherish my stories. I would miss it if it was gone.

MyPrsion1965; this is why I'm so glad to have this forum. I don't have someone in person to talk to when I learn new things about myself. But I have this forum with you and all others who make it. It really helps sharing thoughts in order to put them in new perspectives.

Thank you all ♡

Not sure where to discuss this but I wanted to share it at least. I found out via a subreddit on cptsd, that a symptom of high anxiety is making up stories before bed in order to relax because the created world is a safe space.

This information really crushed me. Once again, a part of something I viewed as being me, my identity I guess, became another symptom of this disorder. It felt like a part of me got ripped out. How can I view a symptom as positive? How do other people fall asleep? What am I without the symptoms?

I decided, * it, I can't deal with this. I can't sleep without my second world. I've never had issues sleeping because of it, and I'm afraid to loose it. I'm scared that more things that used to be me turns out to be symptoms.

After the experience I've been more off than usual, hollow and dissociating. I guess I feel kinda lost at the moment, and very tired.

There was something I recognized in your previous post, about viewing people as lesser. I have thouse feelings from time to time, I think it's an emotional flashback from when I was bullied. When I was bullied I felt alienated and different, eventually it developed into hate towards everyone else and viewing myself as greater just to be able to live with the feelings of everyone hating me (how I understood it as a kid). Maybe what you experience isn't dissociation but an emotional flashback?

I agree with everything you are all saying. It also gives me hope that I can find a better T. It's sad that professionals forget that the person experiencing the issues are the expert about themselves.

tasman, it makes sense to me. Few years ago I got help for depression, when I didn't know about cptsd. The depression did get easier, my anxiety got less, but there were still so many symptoms that stayed and eventually it got worse again. With both the previous T and the current, I thanked them and said it felt comfortable. I lie to them about my feelings so they won't get hurt. I feel so much guilt and shame whenever I criticise someone. I think this can be a difficult obstacle to overcome.