Topics

Here we go again. I keep failing at this. I guess that's okay though, as long as I keep trying. I think I need a new word for "fail". "Fail" sounds so final, and that's not really accurate. For as long as you have an opportunity to try again, it's not final.

There's a few things I want to write about, but I likely won't get to them right now. I've had a rough night last night. On top of (or maybe because of) all the emotions I've been dealing with after losing my friend, I've been struggling to sleep properly. Last night I didn't fall asleep until after 3am. At around 5:30am the CO alarm went off, which put me straight in to a panic attack / EF. Every time I tried to go back to bed, I just started having a panic attack... so I stayed up for a while. Finally, I started to relax again, and then shortly after the EBS (emergency broadcast system) on my phone went off, throwing me right back in to panic again. I did eventually get a few hours of sleep, but I'm tired, emotional, frustrated, and doubting myself a lot.

You are deserving of being heard
You are deserving of being cared for
You are deserving of respect
You are deserving of appreciation
You are deserving of compassion
You are deserving of understanding
You are deserving of respect
You are deserving of time
You are deserving of love

You are worth listening to yourself
You are worth caring for yourself
You are worth respecting yourself
You are worth appreciating yourself
You are worth being compassionate to yourself
You are worth understanding yourself
You are worth respecting yourself
You are worth using your time for yourself
You are worth loving yourself

I hear you
I care for you
I respect you
I appreciate you
I understand you
I respect you
I use my time for you
I love you 

Preface: I haven't got this figured out yet, but it's something I've been thinking about lately. So, this post may be long/rambly and somewhat disjointed. I will continue to think and work through the topic until I'm more comfortable with it, but I want to write something out, as I find it helpful, and hearing what you all think on the subject would be nice too. I'm not sure what sub-category this would best fit under, so I put it under "Other", although I believe it is just as important as any other "major" symptom.



So, something I think that most people fail to understand is "over-feeling". Maybe it's just me who over-feels (though, I don't believe that), but it's something I almost never see talked about. I think it is important for people (especially professionals) to understand this reality though, and it will be very helpful with us on our healing journeys when they do.

--

As an example: My ex-wife worked in the education system with children who struggle with things like autism and other mental difficulties. They have a system in place for the kids to try to identify and share what kind of feelings they are having. One of the options is called "glass man", which is when they are having a big reaction to a minor situation. After this has been identified, they have a variety of tools to try to help.

This is so horrible to me. I don't believe they are over-reacting (acting disproportional to their feelings), but over-feeling, and acting appropriately as to how they feel. In other words, it is not a behavioural problem, but an emotional problem. Focusing on the behaviour like this sends the message that feelings are not important/wrong, and should be ignored/contained/kept to themselves and the kids need to just act more like they're "supposed to". I think this completely ignores the problem, which results in making it worse. Hopefully, if people had more of an understanding about what it is really like to "over-feel", there would be better systems in place that actually help with the root of the problem.

--

As a kid, I certainly over-felt a lot, and as a NATURAL RESULT had these kind of big reactions. I could have really benefited from some therapy, or something... but I got the opposite. As an adult now, especially with CPTSD, I still over-feel a lot. I think we all do. Some things are a big life change, like when I lost my "good" job. Sure, that's a difficult thing, and it takes some processing, but it was traumatic for me, it destroyed me for quite a while, and it "shouldn't have been that bad". But even small things, like reaching the end of a TV series on Netflix, makes me really sad. It's like a part of my life is now over, something is missing.

I said in a different post that I believe it will be a big help if we can learn to see things more positively. For example, the end of a TV series allows me to find a new one that I haven't even begun yet, and just imagine all the excitement and drama and adventure yet to come, instead of being sad that the old one is now over. Now, I'm not ignorant, I know its not just a simple matter of focusing on the good over the bad for us. I think a big thing that gets in the way of that, is this over-feeling, where it feels like "part of my life is over/missing", not "end of a TV series".

And I mean, it's complicated... there's not an easy answer to this, but maybe, if we can learn to feel "more appropriately", then our (re)actions will be more appropriate as a result. My mind immediately jumps to "well, it's okay, childhood is over, you're not being traumatized anymore", but honestly, that's not true. We have EFs, and things in life are still traumatizing, "whether they should be or not". It seems like a catch-22. We feel/react stronger because of what we've been through, which reinforces our stronger feelings/reactions in new situations.

So, I guess the big question is how to break that cycle (this always seems to be the big question). Aaaand... I don't know the answer. It's probably unique to each of us, like what got us in this mess in the first place.

Anyway, I think I'm all typed out for now. What does everyone else think on this topic?

Happy International Women's Day to everyone.

I know a lot of us don't have mothers that have been good role models, but hopefully at some point there has been a female figure who has had a positive influence on you, who can inspire you today.

Maybe you can inspire someone else, today. 

I've never seriously talked to anyone about being an alcoholic before, because the biggest reason has to do with CPTSD, and I don't want to get in to all of that with someone who doesn't have the experience to understand.

The thing is, sometimes, rarely, when I drink... everything is okay for a little while. I'm actually, truly happy, and not held hostage by the trauma. Therapy, medication, healthy life style choices, none of them come close to offering the relief that a bottle can. It is the greatest thing in the world. You could offer me all the money, fame, or power imaginable, but I would take feeling happy and not traumatized over any other choice without a moment's hesitation.

Now, I know alcohol is bad, and I'm okay... I haven't had anything to drink in a long time, but it is so hard. How do you wilfully choose to stay away from the only thing that can give you peace from your living nightmare, if only for a moment?

Has anyone else had this experience, and if so, is there anything you've found that has let you feel "cured" like that, besides alcohol? I've pretty much accepted the fact that I'm not going to be truly happy in my life, but I'm not going to give up on trying.

A little while ago, my life-long best friend killed himself... and from what I know, it wasn't quick and painless. Its been difficult to deal with. Honestly, he was my only friend. He was also my best friend, we had a special kind of relationship. We both knew each other had mental health issues, and we understood each other. We never fought, or got angry and lashed out. We never held a grudge, and although we both needed a lot of alone time to deal with our own issues, we were always there for each other when it was really needed. I'm not even sure how this is possible, its like something out of a fairy tale... but I guess neither of us are "normal" people.

Losing your best friend is a lot to deal with, losing them this way, is even more so. It's set me back a bit in my recovery journey, but that has also really shown me just how far along I have come. A lot of that was made possible by the people who I have interacted with on this website, and I thank you dearly for being so supportive and helpful.

I've been so focused on improving myself (internally), I feel like this whole topic of disturbed relationships is something I haven't even really begun to look in to. It feels like it is a lot more important for me to do so now, though. I don't even know where to begin, I just know that I have a very long way to go, as I'm sure (some of) you have noticed. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this exactly, but I'm trying to do something positive. 

I'm hesitant to call myself a child prisoner, because I wasn't actually chained up. However, physically, I was not allowed to have friends, leave the house, or even go to school.

The psychological aspect is worse. Its amazing, but you don't really need physical chains with "the right psychological conditioning". Maybe its worse in a way. With physical chains, when they get broken, you are free to run to safety. When the chains are in your mind, its not so simple. "Safety" has been transformed to danger, and you don't know how to get there anyway.

Does anyone know of any resources to help with this kind of a childhood? I guess with integration in to society after growing up outside of it? Now that I'm an adult, it feels like I've just been thrown in to the general population. It seems like everybody just expects everything to magically work out, but surely we don't actually believe that!

I really need help, and I don't know how to get it.

[EDIT:]

I feel like I'm in a much better place than when I started my first journal, so I have decided to start a new one to reflect that. I guess my old journal will get buried, but I hope it will remain available, and will be helpful to someone. I feel like I should write a book or something. I know what its like to be in a really bad place (crisis), and I want to help others who may be stuck in their own. Perhaps there is a better way though, I will have to do some research.

EDIT:
You can find my old journal here. It contains some of the things I've been through, and the daily struggle to make it "to phase 2".

As far as I can tell, there are a few things that allowed me to make it this far:

1) The first is that I have not seen M (my worst abuser) in a few years now. Sometimes we talk on the phone, but I don't have to see her. Also, I believe separating from my wife helped a lot. It is unfortunate, I wish it hadn't been necessary, but being with her was constantly triggering to me. Not to say it was her fault (nobody's perfect, but my past isn't her fault). I guess they key point, was removing everything(everyone?) in my life that had a negative(triggering) impact on me.

2) Medication and other strategies to help deal with the worst of the symptoms (depression, anxiety etc), so that I could function somewhat.

3) Other people in my life I could connect with that have a positive influence (my sisters and their husbands) on me, once I was able to function more (after a while with points 1 and 2).

4) Time. Fighting through the * of it all day by day. This is such a huge thing. There are no words that can truly capture what it takes to keep going every day, fighting to improve, even though it can look hopeless at times. Unfortunately, we all have the experience and don't need the words.

Of course, this isn't a cure all, or how to get better in a few simple steps. But they really made a  difference in helping me, and I hope somehow they can help you too!

END EDIT

Its interesting, that there's always something I'm struggling with internally, or that I am trying to improve about myself. When my general mood is better, the worst of these things vanish, but others come to take their place. Its okay now though. Things now don't seem so overwhelmingly important... and to some degree they aren't, as they don't keep me locked in a bad mental state.

The thing that is bothering me most right now, is how bad my sleeping schedule is, and my inability to control it. It seems like people can just sometimes stay up later, or wake up earlier, but have a generally "normal" schedule of sleeping through the night, and being awake during the day. I would say that I'm not in control of my sleeping though. It's not just that I get really tired sometimes, but I feel so bad mentally, and I know I will feel much better after some rest. Interestingly, I was out of town recently and shared a hotel room with my sisters, and I didn't feel nearly so bad when I was kept busy being social with them, and other people in the extended family. I'll have to do some more reflection on that point.

I've also been wondering if my night time medication (pain meds, not brain meds) has been causing me problems. Last night, I've started taking it in the morning as a test, to see how I feel through the day (what drowsiness effect it has on me), and if there is any change in my sleeping. So far today, I've had a bit of trouble concentrating, but haven't felt drowsy. It isn't night time yet, so I'll have to see how that goes. I didn't have a great sleep last night. I woke a few times, and had at least one nightmare, but that isn't uncommon for me.

Another thing I'm working on is my eating habits. I've put on a lot of weight in the past couple of years. I've written in the past about how I don't generally feel hungry, so I just force myself to eat. I guess I've been forcing myself to eat too much. Its very difficult to know how much to eat when I don't want to eat anything. Anyway, I'm cutting back on the amount I eat, and eating more fruit instead of frozen food. Hopefully that will help.

A final thing, is my ability to focus. When I'm overly depressed and anxious, I can't focus on things very well. I tend to jump from task to task, not really getting much completed. On the other hand, when I am feeling better, I seem to over-focus, getting lost in what I'm doing, and spending far too much time on the little things. I'm not sure if this is a chemistry problem, or a behavioral problem. I wouldn't be surprised if both factors come in to play. Its certainly a work in progress though. I need to learn to do more unique things throughout the day, instead of getting caught on a task all day, or even all week long.

Anyway, I guess that's all for now. Work in progress.

TW: Depression



I'm hoping someone can help me out with the terminology for different depression types. I've tried looking around online a bit, but couldn't really find what I was looking for.

So the first kind of depression is the standard kind. Its the "I feel like a zombie kind". Symptoms usually include low energy, difficulty concentrating, reduced emotions, especially positive ones. This is the kind of thing you can easily find information on, what I always knew to be depression. Literal dictionary meaning is: "reduce the level or strength of activity".

But, over the last few years, I've struggled with something else at times. I wouldn't have thought it depression, but my psychiatrist says it is. Its like an active depression. You feel a lot, and you feel really bad. It literally hurts just to be conscious. You want to just hold your head and sink to your knees, and do anything to get rid of that feeling in your chest. It is so overwhelming that you can barely think straight, never mind focus on anything.

Clearly, there is a big difference between the two, they're almost opposite. One is reduced feeling, the other is increased feeling. But, if they're both depression, how do you differentiate between the two without a long winded explanation of symptoms every time?

This has been on my mind the last few days, so I'll post it here. Maybe someone can relate, maybe someone has some advice, maybe not.

In short, I wish I felt compassion for people more often, and am wondering how to bring this about. I think I'm a nice person, I really try to be. I'm sure that I am so much nicer than NPD M raised me to be (always telling me being horrible was being nice, but I've learned so much of it is not true).

The problem is more that I take up most of my emotional effort dealing with myself. Being me is difficult, and I don't have much left over. Add on to that depression, anxiety, and the other symptoms, and it doesn't leave me much time to think about others. This sounds selfish, but I think there's some truth to all those sayings that say you need to look after yourself first, so that you're in a good place to help others.

I also hope that social situations will go better if I can more actively show compassion. I just see other people who really show they care a lot, and I wish I could be more like them. In person, I'm told that I'm extremely stoic, or neutral, or emotionless... even my facial expressions are blank/non existent.  I know this comes from a childhood lifetime of hiding my feelings, thoughts, reactions etc. but I'm not a child anymore. I just want to break away from how I was forced to be as a child so badly. I feel trapped, and I don't know how to change myself.

I'm not really sure how to express this, but there seems to be a real disconnect when it comes to relationships with others. Anyone and everyone will tell you that humans are social creatures, its important to have friends, to feel like a valued member of the community etc.

The thing is that social interactions (especially in person) are so overwhelmingly difficult, that they always seem to be negative. They take so much out of me, leave me feeling guilty and like a failure etc. There is clear evidence that I do much better when I am disconnected from others. Trying to force friendships, or getting lost in a romantic relationship has markedly negative effects on me. Sometimes I do feel lonely though, and this seems to go against the overwhelmingly held belief that social interaction is an important positive part of life.

My psychiatrist personifies this disconnect to me perfectly. He has diagnosed me with agoraphobia and social phobia, among other things, and then every time I see him, he asks if I have been going out with my friends, or if I have any new romantic interests. No, of course I haven't, that kind of thing makes me feel horrible. Why would you even ask?!

I imagine this in physical terms as a person who is allergic to water. Obviously, they need that water, and they feel effects of dehydration from not having it, but at the same time, drinking the water will cause physical symptoms as well. This person goes to a checkup with their doctor, and their doctor asks if they've been drinking plenty of fluids... well no, they're allergic.

So, first off... can anyone else relate to this? Just feeling so bad by trying to participate in this "positive, necessary part of life?" Beyond that, what do you do? It seems like a lose-lose situation. How do you turn this around?

Here is a snippet from my journal entry I wrote today. I'm wondering if anyone can relate to this, and what, if anything has helped resolve it.

I really feel like it is not okay for me to have any sort of PTSD. There is probably a lot more to it than I realize. I don't know why I have such a cognitive dissonance about this. I know what I've been through, I know the affect it has had on me, I know how I struggle with the symptoms every day, and have for many years. What I don't know, is how to make peace with this fact.

In other words, as title says: How do you make peace with having a PTSD diagnosis?

So... historically, I haven't had a lot of success journaling, but I'm going to try again. Reading what others have written here has been immensely helpful to me. So, I hope that someone, some day, will be helped by something I write here. Hopefully, that will help me make progress with it as well.



Long Term Goals:

• Overcome IC. Learn to judge myself based on my own standards.
• Learn to sing.

After reading some posts here, I've been thinking about my own situation in a different way than I usually do. One thing I wish is that I could actually get some therapy. I've tried numerous times, but it never works. My psychiatrist keeps telling me I need to go, etc.

I feel really ashamed about having CPTSD, and I've only told a grand total of 2 people (3 if you count my psychiatrist). I know it's something I need to work on, and I'd appreciate any advice or resources on the matter. I think I can work through it over time though, at least it feels like an approachable problem. However, there's another one which seems to be unmanageable for me. Basically, it is what the subject says.

Most of the therapy available to me is group therapy, and group therapy is always an EF trigger for me. It's way too similar to group ... other stuff... when I was a child...  but what can I do about it? I guess I'm told to go to therapy, and I'd like the help that therapy is supposed to provide, but every time I've tried,  I'm triggered and feel way worse instead of better afterwards. I'd really appreciate anything that might help.

Thanks
Jazzy

The other night I was in bed and thinking about life, and some of the struggles I've had, and how I'm dealing with things now. My thoughts went in a direction they never have before. This is far from a polished piece, but I want to just put the idea out there and see if anyone has something else to say on the matter.

I'm a very addictable person...  I get addicted easily to anything that one can get addicted to. It seems to me that it is similar to an overactive case of ADHD... where something of interest just takes over everything else in your life. Maybe the only real difference is a matter of degrees, or how bad  that something gets to be. On the other hand, I believe I have a lot of willpower, as I've broken most of my addictions without much, or any, help. In the past I've used things like alcohol, tobacco, and marijuana almost constantly... but for the most part, i have stopped all that. Maybe a few times a year I'll have a couple of drinks on a special occasion, but that's it. Unfortunately, those few times a year are when I feel the best. It is difficult, almost like self torture, but hey... I do what I'm supposed to do and stay sober. So... that's good, apparently... right?

Anyway, the first new thought that came to me is how similar addiction and obsession are. Have you ever tried to take away a drunk alcoholic's bottle? Good luck with that one! Honestly, I don't know what the difference is between addiction and obsession, if there even is any. So, this led me to think about how all of my romantic relationships to date have failed, and being honest about it, a big part of the reason they failed, is because I become obsessed with the person I'm involved in. It is really sad, because things start out so well, and it is a good healthy relationship... but as time goes on, I become worse, and things become detrimental to both of us.

So maybe, at its core, this is really another addiction problem that I have not yet begun to deal with yet, not even realizing what it really was. That idea is really concerning, because I thought I had all my addictions dealt with. I already feel like most things in life are beyond my control, which really does a number on my self esteem/confidence... but if this is yet another ugly truth to face, then so be it.

I'm sure there are a lot of other issues that come in to play, with relationships, such as the CPTSD interfering, and other general problems with my parents etc. warping the way I see people, and how a relationship is supposed to be.

But ultimately, how do I deal with this one? With the substance addictions, it is mostly a matter of staying away from them, and not allowing myself to participate. With this, I would really like to have a healthy romantic relationship one day, and so that method is not compatible.

Maybe this is another version of the million dollar question... all this stuff happened which has really damaged me, and distorted all of my relationships with other people... but how do you break that interference of it all, and have it stop ruining things in your life?

I just found this category, and I'll go through it in more detail when time allows in the near future. I was wondering if any one is out there that has a story similar to mine, if not, that's okay too. I know I'm in the minority being on the "under" side of the weight problem, which makes me really hesitant to talk about it, but it has bothered me all of my adult life.

I expect it came from my childhood being told "eat what your given, or eat nothing at all". People don't seem to understand, but I really can't eat things I don't like. It's more like my body rejects it rather than "I don't like it"... so most of my childhood I ate "nothing at all". So, of course, this is what I/my body learned was "normal" growing up.

As an adult, I really don't get hungry for the most part. I get tired/cranky/low energy, but rarely hungry, and I've had to do a lot of work to associate those feelings with lack of nourishment. Even now, every day, I eat because I'm supposed to, not because I want to / need to / feel hungry.

Anyway, it's left me scrawny and small, in a body I don't like, and with no feelings of hunger, it seems impossible to fix. It just seems so basic, eating is a requirement of living... how can I not "get it right"? The reason this bothers me so much is because it feeds my self esteem/personalization problems, which I'm really trying to improve. There seems so many pieces to the puzzle. If anyone has similar story/good info on the subject, I'd really appreciate it.

I'm mostly writing this to just get it off my chest. Maybe I'm being completely unfair/wrong, I don't know for sure. I'm stuck in heavy dissociation right now, so I hope it will help to get this out there.

Anyway, point is that M is planning to host foreign exchange students to make extra cash for herself now. My immediate thought is that she's going to give someone a poor experience... and maybe a lot worse. I know its for a very limited time (per person), but I'm afraid that based on how rough things are for me, similarly it will be for them because they will be living with her.

It also seems extremely selfish. I would be sure to spend the money... on the student, not use it for myself. I don't know the details of how much the host receives and why, but it just seems wrong to me to keep it for yourself.

I really want to scream at her not to do this, and find some way to stop her.... but unfortunately, from past experiences, you can't upset her too much, or she'll put herself in the hospital (again). All I can do is agree with whatever she says, and I hate it.

I'm wondering if anyone could share some advice or resources on this topic?

To explain a bit more:

As a child I was always taught that I was very different than every one else, and I should not associate with others if I could help it. The was reinforced by being kept mostly isolated from society (I wasn't allowed to go to school etc.).  Sometimes I used to pretend I was a robot, or some other type of machine ... which seemed like what I was supposed to be.

These days, I know that I am a person like everyone else, but I still don't seem to believe it. For example, when I think about people in any sort of general sense, I don't consider myself included in the category of "people", and I need to talk myself in to accepting that I fit in that category. It is still really uncomfortable to think of myself "as a person", but I'm hoping that it will be helpful if I can sort this out.

So, hopefully someone has something.

Thanks
Jazzy

--

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, I don't seem to be very good at that.

Just wondering how you all deal with loneliness, and maybe looking for some new ideas for recovery.

I've had a hard time socializing lately. Everything/everyone seems to be really disconnected to me lately. It's really difficult as a big part of me wants to just be alone so I don't have to deal with all the trouble of social interaction, but I find myself lonely at the same time. Feels like a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of thing.

I'm not in the best spot right now, but I have been in worse for sure. The thing is, I can't really say why. It feels like my emotional state is really out of my control. No matter how hard I try, or how many "right things" I do, it doesn't seem to matter... it's like there's something else I'm ignorant of which makes the difference. Which, brings up the question of how do I improve again/continue to improve when I don't understand how? Hopefully someone will have some insight.

Hi everybody!

I know I haven't posted much on here recently. A big part of the reason is that I'm finding it very difficult to communicate (more so than usual). However, I want you to know that I read some of the posts here when I can, and I think about all of you a lot. I wish I had more of the right thing to say. Others here have been a tremendous help when I've needed it the most, and I hope I can be the same at some point.

I also want to thank those of you who do post replies here on a regular basis. As far as I can tell, there is no one in my life who understands what I'm going through. Although I wish no one else had similar experiences, some do, and its nice to feel like someone really cares, and understands. I'm really grateful that you help others through their tough times.

Hopefully I can get through this, whatever it is, and re-engage more with life. It feels like I'm stuck in the fog right now, isolated from everything. I don't want to burden anyone. Thanks to everyone for being here. Please take a moment to feel proud of yourselves.