Topics

First off, sorry I  haven't been very active on here. I have difficulty with setting new habits, and checking in here is one that I've not been keeping up on. Emotionally, I'm up and down a lot too, which doesn't help at all. I feel bad about it, but I'll just try to do better.

Since I last posted on here, mom has moved away, and now she's coming back for a visit. She plans to be in town for at least 2 days, and doesn't know where she's staying (so probably with me). Anyway, I'm looking for some suggestions of what to do with her, literally. I can't remember just spending any time with her where something wasn't planned, or at least having a specific topic to discuss. She's never just come to visit before.

I don't know how much of this is a problem with me, or her, or things that have happened between us or whatever. I'm not sure it really matters. The point is, I feel like there's never been a proper emotional connection between her and I, and I really have no idea what to do when she's here. Of course, keep in mind that she kind of lives in her own version of the world where she's a great person and has done no (serious) wrong.

Hi everybody! 

How is everyone? I hope there's been some good since I've been gone! 

I had some technical and mental issues, so I had to take a break for a bit. It looks like things are better now though, so I'm back to giving this another shot. I really need to do more therapy and social stuff.

Take 137.... and action!

I'm still learning a lot about the reality of my situation. Basically, I've been almost permanently in a state of dissociation. It's the only way I could get by as a child, and now that it's not needed so often, I have no idea what else to do. Even these words... they make sense and all, but the actual reality of it is amazing.  I've known for about 6 months now that I dissociate a lot, but I'm still learning what that really means.

After my recent visit to the hospital, I've also learned that anxiety comes in more than 1 flavour. It's such a tricky little witch. I have no idea how to talk about anxiety when it is so different, but has the same label. If I can figure it out though, hopefully it will help a lot with the medication treatment. It seems like I'm back to looking for something that doesn't leave me crippled from either anxiety or sedation.

Things are improving over all though, I can tell. Those moments of everything not being gone to * are more often now.

I'm going to write a little story about my day today. It's all completely true, but I think that writing it as a story would be the best way to share. I've been struggling over the last few months with how to be honest, but stay positive. There's negative things that happen, far more than I'd like, but I don't want to be upset all the time, and I don't want to make others feel worse either. So, I'm going to try a story approach here, and hopefully I can be both honest, and at least not too negative.

Jazzy's Day:

I only got a few hours of sleep last night. It was the worst I've had in over a year. I had night terrors every time I dozed off - familiar ones. The one's I've had many times before. The ones I recognize as soon as they start that I'm asleep, and I'm dreaming, and this is a very bad dream, and I'm stuck here... probably to experience it more than once tonight.

*** TW Nightmares ***

The kind of night terrors that make Stephen King's work look comedic. You know the kind I mean, right? The kind that destabilize you at a sub conscious level. The kind that make you wish you were in an internment camp, or *, or any where, any where but in this dream, again. But, I wasn't in any of those places, I was physically safe and sound tucked in under my blankets, mentally stuck in dream land, at the mercy of the torments of my mind, completely powerless to do anything about it.

There is only one comfort in this situation. I can't keep dreaming forever. Eventually, I will either wake up, or I will die. Either way, "this too shall pass". Let's get it over with then. The dream goes on, I know it intimately. It would be boring if not for the emotional reaction to living through it again.

Oh no, not this part... wake up, come on. Wake up! I hate this. Why can I remember and think and analyze, and know what's happening, but be unable to wake myself? I'm asleep, but in a way still conscious. The worst part begins, I go through the actions in the dream, a slave to it. Suddenly, I'm awake! I open my eyes... well, I tried to, but it didn't work. Ah, my old friend sleep paralysis is here with me tonight again. I struggle for a few seconds, but my body will not move, my eyes will not open, my toes will not wiggle, there is nothing I can do but sleep again.

The dream continues on, then finally comes to an end. I wake ever so slightly, just enough to realize it, and try to move again. Before I know it, I'm back in the dream for another round. This cycle continues a few more times. Finally I wake a little more than before. Something is forcing me to wake. I need to go to the bathroom. Okay, I can do it.

*** End TW nightmares ***

Through massive amounts of will power I manage to normalize my breathing and my head clears more. I'm so exhausted though, I need ... NO! I explode with sheer willpower, throwing myself out of the bed. I was able to get my feet under me tonight, awesome! That's so much better than hitting the floor face first.

Standing up now! We're making great progress. We are awake, we got this. Huzzah!! I stumble to bathroom, then back out again. As I'm debating on whether I should try to get some more rest, or stay awake, I spot a tarantula running across the room.

My mild arachnophobia kicks in, and I leap on to the couch. Without realizing it, I had lept in to a defensive fighting stance. My martial arts training has never let me down, and I'm sure it's saved my life more than once.  But, this is a serious situation. I've got to deal with this, and keep my calm. What am I going to do?

My head snaps to the side and my eyes narrow, glaring sharply as I realized I had already made a fatal mistake. I had taken my eyes off my enemy. That enemy had taken advantage of the situation, and had found cover, as it was no longer where I saw it just 2 seconds ago.

Okay. I'm exhausted, with night terrors, sleep paralysis, and now there's a tarantula in my apartment. What am I going to do? I very cautiously sit down on the couch to think, my eyes darting around the room, scanning for movement.

I see movement out of the corner of my eye. My entire body instantly tenses to prepare to strike. That clarity over takes me. Zen, as some would call it. You know the one I mean, right? When you're physically fighting for your life, and you become death incarnate. Everything that makes you human is gone. No thoughts, no plans, no feelings, no emotions, no awareness. There is only one thing - instinct. I was less conscious than I was when I was asleep, despite being wide awake.

As suddenly as it came over me, it was gone. The movement I had seen out of the corner of my eye was my cat coming to find me to get her breakfast. Be careful! I warned her. Then I wondered why she was so calm and seemed oblivious to the tarantula. Then I realized there are no tarantulas in this country (besides the zoo or exotic pet stores).

Okay.  I'm exhausted, with night terrors, sleep paralysis, and now I'm hallucinating too. What am I going to do?

The basics! Fresh air, exercise, a change of scenery... it should help. I'll go collect my garbage and recycle bins from the end of the driveway. I walked out to get them, but they were still full. I came back in and double checked the day. Yes, garbage collection was two days ago, but they're still full.

I was quite irritated, but I thought maybe they changed the day with the new year, so I started looking online to see what was going on.

"As a result of the cold weather, collection contractor staffing and vehicle issues, curbside garbage, recycling and organics collection continues to be delayed..."

*! I yelled furiously. You pay your employees minimum wage, and treat them poorly, so you can't keep positions filled. You also don't do proper maintenance on your vehicles to save a bit on your quarterly expenses.  I continued reading, furious.

I just got more upset as I continued to read. "There's no way I'm taking my garbage back in, then putting it back out  again later today because no one in the region knows how to balance a budget or handle employees!" I fumed on, with a lot of extra words in a variety of languages, as there never seems to be enough in any single language. "I pay my taxes, governmental incompetence is not my problem, and I refuse to take responsibility for it."

*** TW lack of security ***

As I glared at my computer screen, an ad caught my eye for an article in the newspaper. The heading said my computer had a security vulnerability, but I shouldn't panic. "Yeah, no *" I muttered. With my years of training and experience as a software developer, I know far more than I wish I did about security vulnerabilities. They're everywhere. Most of them, the public never hears about. Some of them you hear about after they've been dealt with. Only a few make an article like this, where they're publicly announced before a patch has been released to fix them. I also thought it was strange I was being advised not to panic. I can be paranoid at times, but when I'm told not to panic, I pay very close attention.

So, I read the article. It didn't make a lot of sense. It wasn't very technical. Someone who didn't really understand what was going on wrote it, trying to explain to other people that wouldn't really understand, but it's a big story, so it's got to be covered. Some of the things the writer was saying bothered me though. A lot. What he's saying shouldn't be possible... that would mean... holy *.

I quickly found the report about it, scrolled past the summary and examples, and started reading the technical details. I didn't want to believe it. What they were claiming wasn't possible! Well, it was, actually, but only if ... I closed the browser window. I was reading the one that wasn't as bad. I had a pretty good idea what the other one was going to be, but I needed to be sure I was right, so I went digging for the report on it.

I found it, and read it from the bottom up. It's a lot faster that way, the first half is introductions, explanations of terms, blah blah, I hit page up a couple times and found what I was afraid I would. Yeah. It's the worst security vulnerability in the history of computing, and it's been around for at least seven years now.

I was dumbfounded. I know chipset manufacturers are big businesses, and like all the others they cut corners wherever they can... but seriously?! They left EVERYTHING FULLY EXPOSED IN ALL THEIR CHIPS OVER THE LAST 7 YEARS FOR THE SAKE OF A BIT OF PERFORMANCE INCREASE?! Every PC, Mac, cellphone, tablet etc. is vulnerable, and nearly every enterprise server as well?! All the clients I used to work with?! Airports, banks, credit companies, government agencies, nearly every Fortune 500 company?

*** End TW  lack of security ***

I shook my head. I'm done. I'm * done. I don't understand how our society is still going, but I don't want any part of it. I'm just going to sit here and dissociate for a while. I'm going to watch some shows and play video games on my PC that is wide open for any 2nd year IT student to gain full access in to. Not many people will really even understand what's happened. Life will go on as it always had. The companies will keep making their billions, people will keep buying computers. It doesn't matter. None of it does.

....

So yeah, I've had a bad day. 

Greetings!

The holidays are over, so I'm working on being more  sociable again. How is everyone, and how have things been going?

I apologize my departure was fairly abrupt. I was caught off guard this holiday season.

It looks like it has been fairly busy here. I probably won't catch up on everything that's happened, but feel free to point out anything you would like me to look at.

Jazzy

I've been a bit confused as the category "Development of CPTSD in Adulthood" has a "General Discussion" forum, but the category "Development of CPTSD in Childhood" does not.

Is this intentional, or perhaps something that should be changed?

Is general discussion discouraged here?

Jazzy

Hey everyone,

I haven't been too active on here recently, and I'm feeling bad about that. This time of year is tough, and I'll probably just try my best to spoil myself and enjoy some alone time.

Thank you everyone for being so supportive and caring, you are all amazing. I hope to be back soon, in a bit better spirits!

Please don't worry about me too much. I've been through * before, I'll be okay. Take care everyone!

Jazzy

Every time I think I've learned more
Every time I think that I know better.
Every time I think this time will be the time I won't hurt the people I care about the most.
Every time I hurt them worse than every before.
Every time it hurts me worse than the time before.
Every time I find a way through
Every time I start to feel happier and healthier
Every time I think I've learned more.

I haven't slept in two days, maybe three. It's hard to remember by now. My calendar says I'm supposed to have a Dr. apt. then start therapy tomorrow. The landlord is also supposed to have someone come to fix the furnace. I don't know what's going to happen. I hope they don't walk in on me asleep. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

Maybe I'll still be awake though. I don't know why I'm not asleep, or how I'm still awake. I'm sedated, and I've only eaten 1 small meal in 2 days. I haven't rested a second. I'm not even micro-napping. I feel fatigued, but not tired. I just feel mentally hurt. I'm so tired of it.

Why can't I get better? If my mind and body fought this hard to do something productive, I'd probably have a billion dollars by now. Maybe not a billion dollars, but I'd at least have somebody to share love with.

I really don't think it's ever going to get better. I can't even imagine it. I've never known "better".

I wrote down the events which resulted in my becoming traumatized. It started with a single event, but continued for the rest of my life. Most of it doesn't apply any more since I've moved out of my parent's house. Some of it has continued until early this year, and some of it is still ongoing, although I don't think it's traumatizing any more. The effects are certainly still a problem, however.

There was another key event a few years after the initial one. So it seems to me that I have 2 events leading to PTSD, and multiple events leading to CPTSD, though I can trace all the CPTSD events down to a single root problem.

Is anybody else in a similar situation? I'm concerned about making my situation worse by bad therapy. I'm not really sure what techniques should be used to unravel this mess, and which ones are going to aggravate it. I've had bad experiences with therapy already, which has made me guarded.

I was doing some journalling tonight, and got on the topic of obsession. I'm not sure where all this came from, but I thought I'd leave it here, in hopes it may help someone.

Please take it with a grain of salt though. This isn't a thesis, just the rantings of a madman. 



Is obsession not the mental equivalency of addiction? To push the train of thought further down the track, perhaps it is literally the same. As the usage of a chemical results in a positive emotion that is so desperately desired, so too does the thought of the object of obsession. Perhaps the root of the issue is an attempt of the subconscious mind to trigger the emotional response, and not that the idea of the object of obsession is "stuck" in the subconscious.

If this is correct, then it should be possible to treat obsession using methods similar to that of any other addiction. However, it will be significantly harder, as there is no possibility of keeping the desired thoughts out of the mind, like I would keep alcohol out of my body.

An option then may be to associate the thought with less pleasant emotions. Perhaps focusing on the object of obsession and then immediately applying some sort of discomfort would work. It must be carefully noted that the object of obsession does not make the tolerating of the discomfort easier, but the association between the discomfort and object of obsession is made. I fear that may be too drastic, as there may be nothing inherently wrong with the object of obsession, and it may even be positive. In such a case it would not be good to go so far as to turn the object of obsession in to a negative, when it was not such to begin with.

The only possible cure I can see at this time, would be to gain more regulation of emotion. I believe this is a matter of substitution, or transference. However, if the object of obsession is indeed a positive influence, then it would not be good to substitute or transfer the emotional response completely, but to find other positive triggers which illicit a similar emotional response. While these other triggers may result in an emotional response which is less drastic, it would at least help ease the contrast, and therefore reduce the addictive quality of "specialness" in the object of obsession.

Hi everyone! All of you here are great. This is a supportive community. 

I've got a lot of thoughts going through my head right now. I have a lot of questions. I'm starting to feel bad for posting on here as much as I do, but honestly I'm really self critical right now.

I'm cycling through a lot of emotions quickly, in a matter of minutes. This is really weird for me. I've been fighting to keep my mind on track, but I'm concerned I'm going in to an EF. There's also a possibility I'm reacting to a new medication.

Why aren't I happy? I see no good reason to not be happy, but I'm not. I miss being happy, it's a rare thing for me.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, there doesn't seem to be any coherent flow to it. I haven't even mentioned any of the questions I was wondering about. What the * is going on in my head?

It's a struggle trying to understand all this, and move forward to heal.

A big thing I'm working on is personality. I feel like I don't have one, but I must have at least some part of one. So, I'm trying to reinforce it, and shape it in to something I'm more aware of, and is to my liking. Basically, my end goal is to be able to say "These are my personality traits, and I'm happy with them."

One problem, is "the chicken or the egg" scenario. Do I act the way I act because I have a condition from birth, or am I diagnosed as having a condition from birth because of the way I act? I keep asking myself if it really matters. I think it does though, because the methodology I use will differ depending on what I'm working with.

For example: My mother has a tendency to immediately jump to solving problems, without showing a lot of empathy. Sometimes I need empathy for a while before I can even begin to properly address the problem. A lot of times, it's not that simple to fix, or her suggested fixes are unrealistic.

As far as I can tell, I behave in a very similar manner. I'm not very good at picking up what people want, or knowing the best way to react. It seems to me though, that when someone shares that something is bothering them, that they don't want to be bothered, so the best course of action would be to suggest a way to fix, or improve the situation.

So, is this similar behaviour learned, or genetic, or a combination of both? Is it even something I need to change, or is it okay to be a problem solver? I think I feel a lot of sympathy and compassion for people, but not much empathy. I wish that were balanced out more.

I guess at the end of the day, the underlying question is an obvious one. How do you learn all the personality development skills as an adult, that you should have learned growing up? The same goes for social skills. I didn't get to go to school and play like all the other kids.

---

On a more practical note, I'm concerned because it seems like I offer a lot more advice than most on this forum. I know I'm not a professional, and that I can't really fix anything. I'm pretty new to the CPTSD world. I just want others to be doing well, and the natural course of action for me is to offer advice, and share my experiences. Is this something I need to work on changing? Is it bothering anyone else?

Even before I ask this, it seems like a really stupid question... but hopefully someone will be able to shed some light on something new and helpful. It's pretty much the ultimate question.

What do you do when you know you're walking in to a situation that is very likely to trigger a massive EF (basically a brain hijack), but can't really avoid it?

I'm not really comfortable sharing my main concern, but I will give you another example.

The last therapist I worked with triggered me pretty hard, with a specific topic I warned him about the week before, and then shortly thereafter an intake worker also triggered me hard enough to leave me unable to speak and trembling with rage. It's not an option to avoid all therapists and intake workers. It's probably not even possible to avoid that specific intake worker. Any advice?

[Preface:]

Preface:
This is rather long. I expect this will be somewhat controversial, and some will disagree with me. That's totally fine, we all have our own experiences.

My goal in writing this is to:
1.   Get it off my chest
2.   Encourage others to share similar experiences they may be hesitant to bring up
3.   Generate some honest discussion on these topics.
I'm hesitant to post this, as I'm new to the idea of the "C" in CPTSD, but I was diagnosed with PTSD about 10 years ago, and I've been dealing with this stuff my whole life. So, I apologize in advance if the language I use is not quite what you're used to.

Well, here we go!

Personality:
The expectation of us to behave, and be held responsible like grown adults is frustrating to me, and continues to cause me distress. This was pointed out to me again today as the "crisis worker" I was talking to was figuring out how much of a danger I was at that point. I told her the same thing I tell everyone who asks. I will absolutely not hurt anyone intentionally, but if I'm aggravated while triggered, it is likely to end up very badly, as it has in the past. Only slightly less critically, we are expected to take care of ourselves and our dependants, fulfill our contractual/legal obligations, and generally fit in with society, while we are at an extreme disadvantage. I recently told a therapist it was like I have to play by the adult rules, but I didn't even get to really play by the child rules, and I don't even know what the adult rules really are.

A lot of us, including myself, have mentioned feeling empty, hollow, alien, or something similar. In all fairness, that is to be expected with chronic childhood trauma. It seems completely unreasonable to me that someone would feel like a whole person without a healthy childhood, adolescent, and young adult experience and transition. I'm sure some of us have, for the most, part made up for that, but some of us still have a lot of work to do. It is an almost impossible task, and it is not fair... but I believe it is doable with the right resources, and a lot of determination and effort. We've already made it through our childhood, we know more about determination, effort, and completing the near impossible than most could ever imagine, so no sweat.

For those of us who grew up with caregivers who have a personality disorder, it can be extremely difficult to figure out all the details of our mental health. Chances are, we reflect a lot of those actions and behaviours ourselves. This has been a cause of extreme distress to me, because I frequently read there is no cure for a personality disorder, recommendations are to completely break contact forever. This bothers me so much, because not only is my primary caregiver diagnosed with a personality disorder (perhaps more than one), I often act the same way, and that's enough for me to be diagnosed with the same disorder. Step back and look at this though. That's just acting how I was raised to act (by example), which is completely standard and expected. The problem is the way I was raised, not that I'm acting how I was raised. Yes, I am training myself to act better, as acting out a personality disorder is not a very good way to behave, but my point is that I'm not as broken as many would have me believe.

On the other side of that, during my worst emotional flashbacks, despite my best intentions, I act like a psychopath. It took me a number of years to realize that a psychopath acts very much like a traumatized 3-year-old in an adult's body. Again, when I look at it that way, it is pretty much what I expect. One of the ways that 3-year-old learned to survive is what is now called dissociative identity disorder with co-consciousness. I have 2 names, 2 personalities, 2 ways of speaking etc. The second set comes out in my worst flashbacks, like when I was young. While this is confusing, and bad, it's not practically harmful to anyone, so it's not so dire as most people imagine (and films portray). My point to all this, is that no one knows what's going on in your head but you. It is great to work with professionals, but don't let them talk you out of believing you know what you know about yourself.

Medication:
I was absolutely terrified to take psychoactive medication, and was against anything stronger than pain killers. It's serious chemistry, with generally severe effects. I think it's only natural for that to be a frightening prospect. I have been prescribed a lot of medication over the years (25+ different compounds/brands easily), and it does take a toll. However, it's not nearly as bad as I expected it to be.

My psychiatrist says I am sensitive to medication. I understand why he says this, as I usually show changes on a starting dose (less than what is normally prescribed for extended use), but I'm not sure he's entirely correct. Some of my worst prolonged anxiety attacks were while I was on a heavy course of sedatives, which doesn't seem to fit in to the "sensitive" category. For example, last summer, my agoraphobia was so bad I would shake and collapse when someone entered the house, despite being sedated all day, with more to take during such episodes. Perhaps that is more to do with tolerance than sensitivity. I don't know, I'm not very good at chemistry. Point being, if medication is prescribed to you, it's probably best to take it even if you're scared. Learning about what you're taking and the side effects and interactions can help a lot, as can having someone monitor or check in with you regularly.

The worst part of taking medication for me is trying to find "the right one". Out of the 25+ medications I've been prescribed, 4 have been notably beneficial. Unfortunately, 3 of those 4 have intolerable side effects. The problem with changing medication as often as every month or two for an extended period of time, at least a few years, is that it worsens underlying identity issues. In my experience, medication is a trade off. Wanted effects for side effects, and symptom management, for other aggravated issues. In most cases medication itself isn't going to cure anyone's mental health problems. Even the right one is just going to help keep our minds clear enough to be able to work on the root of the problem.

Summary:
You're not alone. It is difficult, but you've been through worse, so you can do it. Work with professionals who value your feedback, and be on the lookout for good trade offs (a lot of help for a little bit of unwanted side effects) in your journey through healing. Even if it doesn't feel like it, you are a person, and you are special, and cared for. 

After making the decision today to stop sessions with my current therapist, I am looking for a new one. This is extremely frustrating, and I don't really know how to make progress.

A few examples of why this is so difficult:

• My legal status is disabled, but no 1:1 therapy is covered.
• The local psychologist association only lists 1 person in my city that works with PTSD (CPTSD isn't even an option)
• Over the years of dealing with people in this area, I don't take any of them seriously as professionals.

I don't even know right now, I'm stuck spinning my mental wheels. 

Is there any type of review board, or some governing body that holds therapists accountable? I know there is such an organization for doctors, but not therapists. I've only seen a few therapists, but they've left a negative impression on me, and scared me away from getting help I need.

In the interest of both protecting others, and for a better chance next time, any sort of system that holds therapists accountable would be really helpful.

In short, I am strictly an anti-theist. Not only did religion play a large role in my childhood abuse, but I have quite a few problems with it on an intellectual level, as well.

I expect most religious therapists are good people, trying to live a good life, and help others, but there's no way I can see a religious therapist helping me through it all. While it's probably unfair of me, they're one of the "religious bad guys" in my mind, and their (probably well meaning) "god bless you"s and "I'm praying for you"s just trigger more defensive reactions in me, undermining the therapeutic process.

It's difficult to say I'm against religion (there's a lot of negative social attitudes towards us), and even more difficult to say that despite someone's intents and desires, they're actually doing more harm than good. I doubt any of them even understand that.

Is there anyone here who has dealt with this situation before? Do you have any advice on how to best work through it?

I'm really new to the concept of emotional flashbacks, and until now I've thought only my absolute worst episodes were flashbacks... but from reading some of the other posts here, I think people identify more than just the absolute worst as a flashback, so I've been wondering about some other things and trying to figure them out as well.

To have a flashback, things must be different now, right? How about something where you have never developed a better understanding/reaction?

For example, I can't stand authority figures. I was terrorized by the concept as a child. I still am. I remember when I used to drive, a police officer pulled me over for a minor violation once, and my entire body was visibly trembling just from her noticing me. I could hardly talk, or keep my hands steady enough to show her my driver's license. Logically, I understand it all... but I've never emotionally matured on this topic (I can't react 'normally'). So, it's not really a flashback is it, or am I just getting too caught up in terminology? What would you call this type of episode?

I'm really new to all of this, so please bear with me.

Mostly I feel confused and overwhelmed right now. Everyone I tried to reach out to kept telling me this stuff wasn't real, that I wasn't actually experiencing it... it's amazing to see people acknowledge it, and accept these things as a part of reality.

I'm not entirely sure how to differentiate between an EF and dissociation. I think they may happen together sometimes. Can anyone point me to further information about those states? I can't help but feel maybe most people don't believe me because I'm not explaining things well enough.

I'm pretty sure I've figured out dissociation, though I still struggle to explain it. I'm pretty frightened. At this point in my life, this seems like my default reaction. I've caught myself dissociating multiple times a day, every day, since I started paying attention to it.

EFs (or what I think EFs are), are even worse. They usually happen to me for long periods of time (weeks/months/years). Looking back at myself in that state, it's like I'm a very young child again (emotionally). In a lot of ways, it doesn't even really seem to be me. How do I recognize this sooner ? I usually only clue in when I have no one (maybe only a family member or two) left in my life. At that point, I seem to slowly "come to my senses", and realize the same thing happened again as it has in the past.

It's a really terrible cycle to be in, and I know I need to break it. I know the first step is to recognize it when it is happening instead of after, but I don't know how to do that. A few people have tried to show me techniques (from a PTSD approach), but I have not been successful.

Thanks in advance for anything you can share.

Jazzy

Greetings Everyone!

I first posted in OOTF forums. While it is a great community, and certainly helpful, it wasn't exactly what I am looking for right now. I very recently read about this thing called CPTSD (from childhood neglect and abuse), which much to my amazement, closely resembled my own life.

It has been quite an eventful year for me, there have been a lot of changes, and a lot of hurt. While I wish it were easier, it's brought me to a place where I've felt more hopeful than I ever have. I've been misdiagnosed a lot. I've been through really bad times, and no one seemed to care enough to see it changed. I had given up on ever finding treatment, and I became convinced by professionals that I was wrong in identifying my own thoughts and feelings.

Psychiatrists have given me a variety of diagnoses over the years, and therapists have told me things like they can't help me anymore, it's impossible to recover because I can't go back to being a child, etc.

So, all this to ask what I expect many others have before me: How do I convince others (especially professionals treating me) that CPTSD is a real, and very serious thing?

Jazzy