Messages

Hey Sage! 

Sorry this appointment is so difficult! All that stuff you talk about is extremely stressful. Is there someone you can talk to about ideas to help make it easier? Feeling self-conscious strikes me as a particularly big problem.

Just a couple of day ago you were here posting your picture, which I'm still looking forward to seeing... now your mood has changed drastically. Which is okay, and I understand why.

That mood change is an example of things we traumatized people accept and deal with because it is so "normal" to us... but to non-traumatized people this is considered unacceptable. The reason I say this is because I never knew what was considered acceptable or not, and every time I went for help, it didn't really help... this led to me believing everything is acceptable.

This conclusion that everything is acceptable which is very natural, and I believe most of us trauma survivors make, is not right. People don't really help because they don't know how, but they're too proud to say that, and usually don't even consider it, because they're "professionals".

I'm not sure what would be best for you, but I hope you can try out some different things. Maybe your friend  brother have some ideas, as they know the details of your life more.

How you felt when you posted the picture of your hair, is how you deserve to be feeling every day. I hope you get there, and I'll do my best to help you, as you want me to.

<3 Niko

Another huge realization from my visit to the psych ward:

With trauma, we live in fear constantly. Most people without trauma live in fear too though, especially of us. I think that's the biggest underlying problem why this "help" is actually damaging; everyone is afraid of each other.

My first thought is obviously the trained professionals should overcome their fear and do a better job. I believe they should, but I also believe they won't. They're soft and weak, so they can't handle the reality we live in.

It shouldn't be us to have to do it, but somebody has to break the mutual fear holding us apart. Despite what society says with their degrees, certifications, titles etc. we are the experts, because we have years of the most extreme experience.

     Oh thank you so much Tee!   

It's really confusing and scary trying to figure out life now... but those are "normal emotions" so I'm happy to have them!

I'll certainly be around here for everyone. I do my best to write as much as I can in my journal in hopes it helps you and the others in some way. I know some people find it overwhelming how much I write and I totally understand that. I don't need a careful perfect reply to everything. Honestly a little cheer or a smiley face or something means so much to me.

That's one of the lessons I realized, every post doesn't need to be long and details (as I'm writing another long and detailed post lol). Your post here is perfect: a cheer, a warm statement showing care for everyone and a hug. That's beautiful!



You guys are my CPTSD family; you're all so important to me!

I just had a huge realization.

The world runs on money and I've been unable to get money because I've been traumatized and just trying to survive for one more day my entire life.

But now that the trauma is broken, I can make money, so I can get all these things I need like a dietician and a visiting nurse etc. It will just take me a bit of time to "catch up" on 30 years of missing life.

But I've waited 30 years, so I can wait a few more no problem.

Ah, I literally felt my stress drop significantly after writing this out.

Again, I only now feel stress because I've broken my trauma... in my experience, talking about stress to traumatized people is not a very good approach at all. That's the approach of non-traumatized people trying to make sense of our reality which they can't understand.

So I just realized that they've been telling me for years what non traumatized people do. All of these trigger worksheets and stuff have the answers on them. That's great! I also realized that normal people take sedatives as their doctor prescribed so I did that too. Ugh I hate the word normal but that's how i feel.

The most confusing thing is that I don't know what to think about. There's no unsolvable crisis any more. Reviewing my every word and every action of the people at the hospital 🏥 isn't necessary.

I can ... learn a new skill or something? hahah what?

This is so bizarre to actually relax my mind. I wonder if my apparent ASD will diminish? I do really like it; though not at the price of living in trauma 

I guess we'll find out we go. That's exciting which is also a new emotion.

I need a guide or something. Going to school with other children would have been so helpful.

I'm scared to go to sleep because I came so close to dying in my sleep last. That's a perfectly normal emotion to have though, and normal emotions are new and confusing 

It's very interesting to me that the message I sent here last night as I was almost dying is a clear cry for help before it is too late, yet no one talked about calling the hospital or anything. This is confirmation of my own experience that trauma is living in survival mode.

Almost dying mentally is the normal for trauma, so I didn't expect any such message here. I hope my words help people understand though. The psychiatrist didn't get it because she wasn't open to learning from my experiences.  I hope one day more will be. It's really not complicated.

It's so challenging and dangerous because of how little impact emotions have compared to being traumatized.

I'd say I'm about 80% stressed right now. All of my life I've been "120+% stressed" so 80% feels like nothing, better than I've ever been.

But I just realized that 80% is dangerous, borderline crisis for non traumatized people... so I'm going to go lie down and listen to calm music. I think that's what non-traumatized people do to relax?

Thank you so much for your concern and reaching out Snowdrop and Sage!

I spent the day in the psych ward because I was on my death bed last night. I have learned a number of important things today, but these stand out the most to me.

- Living in trauma is so different than living without trauma that I very nearly died trying to figure out that difference.
- Precious few people who have never lived with trauma can even begin to comprehend the difference.

Despite me clearly and repeatedly stating my issues and history, the nurse in the psych ward neglected me, specifically by not checking how much food I ate. She refused to give me water. When I told another nurse my blood sugar rose drastically after eating an orange, she dismissed it, then talked about diabetes, then dismissed it again, then offered me the water which I had asked for hours before. How many times do I need to say "I've been malnourished and dehydrated my entire life so I'm learning to eat and use the toilet" before they get it?

If I was still living in trauma, that would have resulted in dissociation and more, as it is yet another of the same trauma, on top of being locked in a room against my will etc.

Even the psychiatrist did not fully believe me, despite me clearly demonstrating that I understood the intent behind her every question, as well as me pointing out that I was repeating the same answers to her. These people have not yet learned to simply listen, trust, and notice fine details.

Along with everything else, I'm trying to figure out how to improve the situation so more people will understand what living with trauma is like. I think I need to become more "successful" according to what society believes before they will believe me. It's sad that they trust a success story more than experience, or simply listening to themselves.

Mostly I need to learn to relax though... it is so interesting to me that my life is so easy now, yet that nearly killed me. It's because I am in a different reality now, so I don't have any experience knowing how much is too much. I'm no longer in the 120-150% effort (survival mode), but in the 1-100% bracket with the rest of the world.

It's confusing to have my "scale" shifted so abruptly and no one here to help me transition. It's similar to talking about a trillionth of a second... sure we can speak about it intellectually, but we are completely incapable of truly understanding time on that scale. Shifting in to that scale is beyond words, the best I can say again is it nearly killed me. I'm sure I will continue to live through it though. I came extremely close to death, again, but as always, I made it through!

I see now why people say stress is so bad. Trauma is not stress though. CPTSD is not a stress disorder at all. I've never been stressed in my life, because I've been to busy being traumatized and surviving. Trauma is living in survival mode (120-150% effort bracket) for years, 30 out of 34 in my case. Today I was very stressed, my heart rate was 110+ BPM... but I was not traumatized; I was clear minded.

Surely if I had more money I'd have some sort of a parental figure (therapist, big brother, visiting nurse etc.) to help me learn to eat and use the toilet, but I'm poor, so I learn alone... as it always has been. Perhaps this is best in my specific case, given how I educated myself since grade 1. While information given to me in order for me to choose best would be extremely helpful, I will continue to make the absolute best out of what little I have.

Despite me living in a different reality now, I have cheated death yet again, and fully expect I will continue to grow.

I feel very afraid. This peace is so nice and living is so much effort. I have no experience with putting forth the effort to stay alive while not being traumatized, never mind while being peaceful. Peace is dangerous right now.

Thankfully I have good survival music to empower me!

I just realized that trying to relax while traumatized is a very damaging approach to healing. I am extremely sorry to everyone whom I have encouraged to relax and find peace.

The new mattress sounds wonderful Rainy, I hope it's exactly what you need!

Sleep is very personal; also extremely important. I've been sleeping on a firmer mattress with no pillow recently. While it is less comfortable, is extremely supportive which is what my body needs. Even six hours is a very long time to hold the same posture. I'm very hopeful that it will be healing to me.

I hope the mattress helps you sleep better, and aids in your healing as well.

On my way to the mall I had an encounter during which I felt extremely threatened. I stopped, slowly turned, and felt the full force of my anger arise within me. I firmly stood my ground without budging, and stated this threat directly in the eye as it passed not two inches from my face.

My anger is more powerful than ever because now it is fully within my control. In under five minutes It had diminished greatly, as soon as the threat was out of eyesight. This feels instinctively right. I am so very pleased!

Wow; your boxes on the shelf strategy is wonderful! 👍

This is tremendous progress Eidolon! Congratulations!

I hope you find a way to peacefully come to terms with these realizations and implement new behaviours to replace them with healthier ways of living.

Thank you I hope you feel better soon too.

Chemical therapy, including natural ones like plants, has never worked for me but I'm glad it helps some.

I completely agree, we live with trauma for so long we become desensitized to it and we have no idea what we are really going through.

I hope you find some peace and improved mood to help you through your struggles. I'm glad you're feeling better already