Messages

I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting, and feeling frustrating and discouraged, that makes everything so much more difficult. Maybe you can tell your T about your H another time.

It's great that your friend was there for you, and you had some breakthroughs in T, even if it wasn't easy. Wishing you continued healing and strength to deal with everything.

Hi Hope! I'm sorry things have been difficult for you lately. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot! 

You're doing a great job though, being very aware of what is happening with your mind and body, and putting a lot of effort in to bettering them both. Good work!

I relate to you feeling afraid and ashamed to write and being "found out" by someone in your FOO. That's totally understandable. Despite those feelings, it was very good for me to write everything I did. It really helped with my healing. It sounds like the same is true for you too, so I hope you keep it up! It's really important for us to be able to express ourselves, and our journal's here is a place that is safe.

As for changing the font colours and decoration like italics, that can all be done with the buttons above the text box. I'm sure you can work out something to your liking with a bit of experimenting. When you click one of the buttons, it puts code in the text box for you. It's a little bit complicated if you're not used to it, but I'm sure you will figure it out. For example, when you click the "I" button for italics, it puts something like this (without the .) [.i][./i], in the text box and all the words you type between the "tags" (the boxes, like this []) will be italicized.

[.i]This would be in italics if the . was removed from the boxes! [./i]

I hope this helps! It's probably easiest for you to just click the buttons and see what happens though, that's what works best for me anyway!

Keep up the good work, and I hope you're feeling better soon!

Armadillo, I don't have a lot to say right now, but you're doing great sharing things that you've been struggling with for so long, despite your own fears. You're also doing a wonderful job of stopping when it becomes too much (dissociation).

You're welcome!

I understand these things are difficult. It may seem impossible for you to be compassionate towards yourself, but you have already shown improvement by making this post in the first place. Keep up the good work!

if you would like.

Your post is very kind shuffles, thank you. I appreciate the time and effort you put in to it, especially after a long day.

Thankfully, both of my sisters married men who are good guys, so they have been a positive brotherly influence in my life which is extremely helpful. I hope you're getting some good support, and realize that you don't deserve what your IC tells you either!

Thank you as well for your thoughts on altruism. It is a complex topic. At this point, I believe it is critically important to take good care of oneself. That may sound selfish, but I don't think it is. We can best help others, when we're at our own best. So, constantly focusing on ourselves and our own desires may be selfish, but improving ourselves, then sharing our time (compassion, empathy, actions etc.) with others is not. Personally, I was taught a lot of very bad things, and my general understanding of pretty much everything was quite twisted. This led me to believe things like basic self-care was selfish and bad, but I've learned (and still am learning) better!

I'm glad to see that you are learning to see things in a better way too. It sounds like you're well on your way to making some positive changes in your life. Keep up the good work! I hope your days get easier soon.

EDIT: Just adding a bit.

I realize that people with CPTSD have been badly wounded, and it is likely best for them to focus on themselves until they are in a better place. Even this, I would say, is not selfish. Take care of yourself, and when you are better, then you can take care of others. In my opinion, when it becomes selfish is when you can help someone, while remaining healthy yourself, but don't.

Great job reaching out for support, that's really difficult to do! I hope it was helpful for you, and something you can do again when needed.

I'm really surprised at your post though... What you're describing sounds horrible! Of course you are having difficulty functioning normally in the aftermath of this experience. It is certainly bad, and something did happen! I know what you mean that what you dreamed didn't physically happen, and I don't want to get too technical in this post, but what happens in a person's mind is very much their reality. I've had night terrors most of my life and that kind of mental pain is just as traumatic, if not more so, than physical pain. I'd like to encourage you to be a little more compassionate with yourself in this kind of situation, and realize that it is very important. I don't mean to judge you; my hope is that you will be able to feel and function better by giving this more time and attention.

Good job getting necessary things done, like taking care of your kids... but maybe you can take a day, or half day or something off of work? Night terrors like this are really difficult, and demand attention (which is why you can't "settle"), and I've always found it best to give them the attention they need. I know recurring dreams are challenging too. While not always as acute, that chronic impact is also something that shouldn't be ignored. I agree with Kizzie, I think it would be good to be 'gently curious', and maybe write or draw something out related to your dreams. Really, any kind of therapeutic exercise like that (maybe just even talking about them with someone), which will help you process them. Hopefully this will help in the long term, and after you've processed everything, your mind won't feel the need to experience those dreams any longer.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across a little stern, or bossy. I'm just feeling a lot, and I really don't want you to keep suffering from this kind of thing. Like I said, I've had terrors most of my life, and it's horrible. I really hope you can get this all resolved, and start feeling better. Good job again reaching out and posting about this!

Hi Shuffles, and welcome!

I have a habit of writing long posts too, so don't worry, you're not the only one! I'm really glad you're excited about finding this community. While it sounds like you've been through some very difficult things, and life is still really challenging right now, I see a lot of hope in your post, and that's great.

Thanks for sharing with us! Remembering, understanding, and processing things that happened in the past is an important part of healing, and it can be helpful to share with others. If you would like to write more, please feel free to start a journal here. I have a few, and so do others. It was difficult for me to write some of those things, but very helpful overall.

I hear you that your mind is a mess, which makes it more challenging to "do what you're supposed to do". That's understandable considering the things you've been through, and how things you're going through now is triggering memories, and likely emotional flashbacks. You mentioned that voice in your head that breaks you down. I think we're all familiar with that, unfortunately. For me, it has been very important to treat myself the opposite way. I need to be understanding and compassionate towards myself, and teach my mind that there is a better way to deal with things than that voice.

All the best to you, and I hope your healing journey goes well. There is a lot of good people and information here you may find helpful. Please take your time to look around and reach out.

Oh, thank you Hope! 

I'm sorry that goodbyes and similar transitions are difficult for you... and understandably so! I'm glad to hear you're getting better with handling them, even though I don't think there's anything wrong with it being a bit challenging. Saying goodbye can be like a loss of connection, which is a precious thing that is hard to find, and takes a lot of work to cultivate.

Thank you for your good wishes, and for valuing me! You are important to me too, and I always read your journal, even if I can't find words to say... which has been quite often lately. I'm sorry I haven't been better at communicating with you.

I don't want to fully leave, but I noticed that I went from posting every day, to not posting for a week. I wanted to say something, because in the past I would always just "disappear". I don't like that behaviour, so I'm trying to change it.

I am a bit worried about what it'll be like once those flood gates open. They've been locked shut for more than 30 years through some yucky stuff. I'm mostly worried about what it'll be like when the anger starts to emerge. Yikes!

30 years is a very long time! I imagine this is a tremendous thing for you. Congratulations on making this progress. I understand that you're concerned. I think it's wise to be cautious about the behaviours that your emotions may lead too... especially when they're new, and have been repressed for so long. It's good that you recognize this now, before anything bad happens, so you can take action to prevent it. I would suggest you look in to some anger management strategies, and tools you can use to help yourself, for when that time comes.

Everyone has their own strategies that are helpful for them, so you may connect with something else better, but what I found especially helpful when I got angry, is to leave the situation and come back later. It didn't matter who or what was involved, me leaving was better than me getting violent. The other thing that was helpful for a while, was to keep some light sedatives on me at all times. I rarely use them anymore (and not for anger), but for a time, the adrenaline was just so overpowering. My entire body would literally shake and tremble. I'm not a big fan of medication, but adrenaline overdose like that is a matter of chemistry, so I took the sedatives (chemicals as well) to help balance that, until I could train my mind to work better on its own.

Healing is a process, and it is challenging at times. The anger is something to be careful of, but it is also good to respect it, and understand why it exists. There's often a good reason for it, or at least an understandable one. All the best in your continued journey!

I've "levelled out" quite a bit, like I was hoping to do. I'm sleeping closer to 8 hours a night now, instead of 5. Thankfully, I'm hurting a lot less. I still have a notable amount of general pain, but it's not as bad as it has been.

I'm still doing quite well. I'm sleeping soundly, and waking up by 6:30 am at the latest. Then I'm out for a walk, and make a good breakfast when I get back home. I'm eating more now than I used to, but I'm also more active now, and I'm eating healthier as well. I've cut out a lot of carbs that was in my diet previously. It feels really positive to care for myself better in that way, and I'm losing some fat as well, which is a great accomplishment.

I'm still not confident this improvement will last, although I am hopefully that it will. I have certainly come to terms with a lot of things from my past, and learned healthier ways to manage my emotions, as well as my thoughts and actions. I've also processed a lot of things from my past, so with all of those things, it is possible that this change may last.

I'm really hesitant to say "I'm cured", or even "healed", but I'm doing inexplicably better than I ever have before. I know I've said this before, but I'm so thankful to everyone on these forums who has been with me (even just virtually) through the past few years.

Hi Notalone,

I read your latest entry, and it's heartbreaking!    It sounds like this is very difficult for you, and you're not getting the support you would like from your H, and that you're feeling left alone... I'm sure that's a very important feeling for you, based on your screen name. A big , if it is helpful for you.

Of course it's important to respect your feelings, but you are not alone in life! You have other supports available, including all of us here.

I'm sure you know that avoidance is often the mind's way of trying to protect itself from hurt, so maybe your husband is doing that, and he could benefit from some healing of his own. I know it doesn't always have the best results, but I am a very big proponent of communication. Maybe you can share this with your husband, and try to help him understand what's going on, and that it is better for everyone in the end to resolve difficulties, instead of avoiding them. If you do, I hope it works out well, and he is able to hear you. If it doesn't work out so well, I hope you're strong enough not to let it hurt you any further!

I'm also sorry if this idea is unwelcome; I just see an opportunity for you to be able to help him improve. As you said, it is very sad when a person has no idea or awareness of how they are (re)acting, and why. I know that you do a lot of work on yourself, and have come a long way. This gives you quite a bit of experience you can share with others, and hopefully they can benefit from it as well.

I also understand that you feel guilty, that's perfectly understandable. For.... my entire life, I didn't realize the difference between gossiping, and sharing my thoughts and feelings in a positive way, when those thoughts and feelings came from actions I didn't like from another person. In short, I realized that gossiping is very closed minded, and doesn't help anyone. Sharing properly, presents an opportunity for others to share their perspectives and experiences, which in turn give you more information to help you make a more informed decision, as well as process your emotions better. I hope that will help you think of this a little differently, so you don't feel so guilty posting about him. He's a big part of your life, and that has an impact on you, so you should be free to post about it!

I hope that you feel better soon, and you both continue to improve, so that one day you can find that emotional closeness with him.

Hi SonOfTheLoveless,

I'm sorry to hear that you've struggled with your parents not loving you properly. I've had a similar situation in my childhood especially, at least in that broad sense. It's a really difficult thing to truly recover from.

Your post strikes me as coming from a very intellectual perspective, so I'm not sure exactly what you would like to hear about from others. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have, or provide a more specific explanation of what you are looking for. I have a few journals on this site, which have plenty of material in them. They're open, and you're welcome to read them if you want to know more about some of the specifics of what I've been through in the past.

On the topic of love, I fully agree with you. I believe my mother has never truly loved me, and still doesn't. She is far too selfish, and before that was obsessed with me when we were younger, but obsession is not love. As you said, she can't let go. She can't respect boundaries, and accept that I am my own person, with my own life. I know she has a diagnosis of BPD (and probably more), so you can call it BPD, or call it narcissism, or whatever title, but the result is the same.

I also completely agree that proper love leaves the other person in tact. Although I think it also helps improve both people in a positive way, in which they want to change. For me, it was specifically self love (based on self respect), that has been critical to my healing. It sounds like you've figured a lot out though, and you're making great progress, which is very encouraging to read.

Keep up the good work!

I haven't had that experience myself. On one hand, I wish I did... because I needed it. People didn't really seem to take it seriously how hurting and damaged I really was. However, I'm sure it's also a very difficult thing to deal with. As notalone said, I'm sure it is a very vulnerable feeling situation to be in, and I expect that there are a lot of other complicated feelings surrounding it. Actually, the more I think about it, the more challenging it sounds.

It sounds like you're making some progress though, and that's great news! I'm happy for you. I hope things continue to go well, and you come through this better than ever before.

I'm on disability myself, and I have been for almost 10 years now. It is a challenge in its own way, but it's really not all that bad. It gives me lots of time to work on myself, which I desperately have needed.

A lot of life, at least for me, has been not having a lot of direction, and just doing the best I can. That's alright though. It's important to realize that, and be gentle with ourselves doing our best, even if it doesn't always go perfectly, because we have so much to deal with. It's been helpful for me to share things about my life (with the right people, of course), and ask for others opinion to see how they would handle something, but make my own decisions in the end. So, maybe that's something you can do more, which will help you feel less lost and more confident.

That's great that you enjoy weeding. I imagine it feels nice to be in nature, and feel productive. Keep up the good work!

I'm still doing well, and fairly busy, though I'm trying to stop in here when I can get some time to do so.

Thank you everyone for your replies on this post. It's been difficult for me to feel like I really fit in anywhere, even here. I wasn't expecting anyone to reply at all. The fact that you did makes me feel valued and cared for, and I really appreciate that.

Hi Armadillo, and welcome to the forums! 

I'm glad to hear you're getting better, and starting to feel positive emotions. It hasn't been all that long since I started being more emotional myself. I'm still "very sensitive" now, which is a big change from how I was in the past, and I'm still trying to fully accept and appreciate. So, be gentle with yourself as you go through this new phase.

Congratulations on your accomplishments thus far! I hope you continue to do well.