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Messages - LearnToLoveTheRide

#16
Hi BeeBeen

Yes, I can relate completely. In fact, I've been diagnosed Schizoid Personality Disorder as a comorbidity specifically due to these arrested development traits. I can't name them because I simply don't know I'm missing them - woods for the trees type of thing.

Be easy on yourself... LTLTR
#17
General Discussion / Re: How to manage the exhaustion?
February 25, 2019, 08:19:02 AM
Hi safetyinnumbers

Just as you understand why you are exhausted all the time, you might find it useful trying to understand what it takes to NOT be exhausted all the time: it's something you have to concentrate on all the time. It's as simple as balancing what gets taken out of you all the time, with what you put in. I said simple, but not EASY.

Having enough energy to get you through your chores and your day is just one aspect of a healthy lifestyle. Look to every aspect of your lifestyle and see if - and how - it needs fixing.

I'd be happy to help in any way... LTLTR
#18
General Discussion / Re: DID symptoms
February 17, 2019, 03:10:05 PM
Hi Cookido

The two main criteria for DID are: 1.) multiple, unique personalities which present themselves, and; 2.) Periods of amnesia. At least it was the last time I read through the literature.

We can't really diagnose you on the forum - for obvious reasons - but there is a forum that I've found very useful over that last 10 years: https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/

Be well. LTLTR
#19
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Yoga
February 05, 2019, 11:15:22 AM
Hi

I have 28 years of teaching Martial Arts under my belt (pardon the pun). That's perfectionism run wild for you. I started doing yoga about 3 years ago, and at first, I was always concerned about how well I was doing; were my poses perfect; who in the class was better than I was. It was not relaxing.

Finally I just surrendered. I released all expectations of myself and my body. I made it my time to just be myself... it was - and still is - great fun.

Easy does it...LTLTR
#20
General Discussion / Safe Places
February 05, 2019, 10:49:03 AM
Good Day wonderful people.

I just spent 3 months in a place of safety: no phones; no emails; simple meals; green forests and the most amazing bird life I have ever seen.

Hypervigilance is 4/10. Social anxiety is 5/10. Etc. I can let my kids play in the garden without worrying obsessively about them. I am emotionally available to my new partner and my kids.

It was expensive and I couldn't have done it without the help of my family but I feel so much better. C-PTSD is an injury and like other injuries we can heal from it.

Take care...LTLTR
#21
General Discussion / Re: Adult onset cptsd
February 05, 2019, 10:24:38 AM
Hi

I don't recall having any childhood traumas that led to cPTSD; all my traumas occurred in adulthood. But my adult traumas are unfortunately my children's childhood traumas. They say children are resilient and 'grow out' of their traumas. From what I've seen I don't think so - they carry them into adulthood and express them in many different dysfunctional ways.

Are adults more resilient? I don't know. I recently read (sorry, no citation) that psychiatrists, when working backwards from the present to the past can identify exactly when a pathology started to develop. On the other hand, there's no hard and fast rule which guarantees that all people facing the same trauma will respond in the same way.

Take care... LTLTR
#22
Perhaps their vulnerability scares them? Instead of admitting they were vulnerable and they needed your help, they push you away so they don't have to remember.

It's irrational. Put up some boundaries. Take care... LTLTR
#23
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: tame
October 26, 2018, 05:21:08 PM
Love it... LTLTR
#24
General Discussion / Re: Trauma and money
October 24, 2018, 11:53:39 AM
What an interesting thread - thank you!

I made a good deal of money through sheer hard work, but it only ever meant clothes and food for my kids and a roof over our heads. I disliked money. In fact, I disliked it so much that when I was teach Chinese Kung Fu, it was my policy to let students set their own fees: each according to the own means. When I worked as a Paramedic I did it voluntarily, for free. I felt that taking money for either tainted the whole process.

I worked for a financial institution for awhile. It was 325 years old. They practically invented modern Banking. It was very disturbing to learn the psychology behind how these large institutions control the world's macroeconomics.

Now that I have C-PTSD, I cannot work. I have to rely on the generosity of family and friends. I do feel ashamed.

Wishing you all the best. LTLTR

#25
Hi quietdespair

Your story is very encouraging. You are doing an amazing job of coming to terms with your past and managing your present circumstances. Your children are very lucky to have a mother like you.

But there is a sadness in your writing. I understand the cloud of sorrow you stand under.

Your husband may be very worried about you, and probably incredibly confused. I know you say you can't confide in him, and that he doesn't want to talk about anything serious, but maybe he's just hurting and seeing you in pain upsets him. We have to use the resources available to us for our recovery. He's a resource, reach out, he may just surprise you.

I spent years telling myself that I was stronger than my trauma, that I could handle everything, that everyone was relying on me to be there for them. Finally I crashed and ended in the ER and the Psychiatric Ward. I was forced to acknowledge that I needed help, that I couldn't handle everything by myself.

I wish you all the best. LTLTR
#26
Depression / Re: Depression explained
October 14, 2018, 12:46:29 PM
Thank you Rainagain.

I had two major episodes of depression when I was younger, prior to the trauma which precipitated my C-PTSD. Eighteen months ago I was diagnosed with severe depression (comorbidity) with my C-PTSD.

It's progressing badly. For the safety of Forum users, I will not make direct reference to the topic, but my depression recently saw me admitted to the ER and then the Psychiatric Ward for 72 hours observation.

Take care of yourself. LTLTR.
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: LTLTR's Recovery Journal
October 14, 2018, 09:50:11 AM
(Bit dated, but I need to get the Journal out of my head.)

Nov-2017:

I was quite distressed after the incident involving my sabotaged steering column. When the mechanics had completed their repairs and I was ready to continue my journey, I pulled into a local convenience store and purchased some quick sugar snacks to prevent myself going into hypoglycemia; I was feeling a little lightheaded. Distributing snacks and cool drink in the car, I looked back at the way I'd come. I was scared of the journey ahead, and everything that could happen. At that moment, I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to make it and that my best option was just to turn around and return home.

I looked at Z, my eldest. "That was quite a scare. Do you want to go home, or keep going?"

"Let's keep going," he replied briefly and bravely.

I followed the road out of town heading in my original direction. We spent the next four days, for between five and seven hours each day, driving in the car during the day and settling into quaint little hotels in the evening.

The first night we spent in a cottage in a lively seaside village. The cottage bordered a wide river which meandered down and around to the sea. We had a relaxing morning swirling our feet in the water before breakfast and starting on the road again.

The second night we spent in a chain-motel in a much larger seaside town. No river but all the amenities supplied.

The third night we spent in a shack on a hillside overlooking the ocean. Z and I had been looking forward to this small village because it was an iconic getaway. Unfortunately, the area had been obviously fallen on tough, poorer times and the shack we found ourselves in was very rustic to say the least. But, we had fun picking amongst the rocks and a storm blew in just after nightfall. It was very pleasant falling asleep to the sound of rain hammering on the tin roof.

We started out early the next day. By now we were in quite a remote part of the country and after four hours on the road without seeing any restrooms to sop at, K became quite distraught. I pulled off the main highway into a forest access road so that K could answer the call of nature next to the car. He became hysterical at the thought of going in the grass. It took me almost fifteen minutes to convince him that it was okay to do it naturally. But when he finally had no choice anymore, he found it intensely funny!

On the fourth day we ended up in a relatively well known seaside town. It was far enough from our starting point, fairly well populated but still quiet enough. I decided to stop driving and settle for awhile. I contacted a local estate agent and arranged for a furnished apartment. We settled in that evening. 
#28
I developed C-PTSD during adulthood as a result of spending 8 years trying to heal my mentally I'll wife.

I did not notice the effects it was having on my life or my children's until we undertook an escape run 5 months.

Now, I can see and feel just how badly my inability to care for the caregiver and how unmanageable my life became.

We are NC but we have a lot of healing to do.

LTLTR
#29
General Discussion / Re: Is my husband making this worse
February 25, 2018, 01:12:42 AM
Yes, it is abusive and unhealthy for you.

LTLTR
#30
General Discussion / Re: Binge drinking
February 24, 2018, 05:47:12 PM
Hi blues_cruise

I put my drug of choice and alcohol down 25 years.

I say this with all the love and compassion I have: abstain completely. Alcohol is a poison for you. Doesn't matter how you slice it, 1 is too many and eventually, 1 000 will not be enough.

I almost relapsed after my escape run with my boys but I stayed sober just for the day. I am learning to handle my C-PTSD from my heart and mind.

Do whatever it takes not to drink. Please.

LTLTR.