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I wasn't sure what to call this post, and I've put it in this section - i.e. numbness, derealisation etc, because I think maybe it fits here.  Just wanted to know if anyone else experiences this, and just wanted to share what I've experienced - mainly today, but also yesterday.

I think it's because I've done more with my inner/younger parts, and maybe it might have been slightly more than I could cope with - although I think I'm ok, but what I've noticed is:

Yesterday and today I have experienced some numbness in my left side of my face, and also like a migraine kind of headache, also on the left-hand-side of my head.

I also had a meet up with someone today - and she is a similar age to my M, and she is a little similar in how she looks to my M, but whilst I was talking to her, she almost morphed into looking 'exactly like' my M, which was actually very disconcerting. 

I've also noticed that when I've been walking around and seen men who are a similar age to my F, that they seem to look a lot like him, although that isn't so unusual, as there are quite a few men of a similar age to my F who look like him. 

I also have tinnitus in that side of my head too - the same side that I have got the other experiences. 

Also, I have been a bit freaked out by the fact that there's been some bruises appear on my hand (right hand) which look like pressure points of a thumb or finger print, and I remember that I used to get these when I was between the ages of 17 and 19 years of age - possibly slightly older - and it makes me think of what Tee said in her Journal about bruises happening without physical cause - I think I relate to that in some way, but maybe there's other explanations.

Anyway, it's something I wanted to write about, and so I'm putting it here. 

I'm going to try to stabilise and ground myself this weekend, as I fear I might have tipped myself a bit over my comfort zone.

Hope 

Letter to the teacher:

I am writing this letter to you on behalf of Little Hope, because she has spoken to me about things that happened when she was in your class at school, and I felt you should know some of her thoughts and feelings about what happened. 

You were much older than Little Hope, she was only 5 years old when she arrived in your class, and I know that she was already traumatised by things that she'd seen when she was much smaller, and she found school quite daunting, but she was keen to do her best.  She already knew that you and her M didn't seem to be very friendly to each other, almost as if you were vying for control over her – and she didn't like that.  Her M didn't seem to like you, and I think that you took some of that out on Little Hope – but I want you to know it wasn't Little Hope's fault – although I think Little Hope tends to think things are her fault.

Little Hope was enjoying doing some painting that day – she knew that you wanted her to mix the red and white in a mixing palette to make the colour pink, but she wanted to be more creative than that, she had her own idea that if she put the red colour down first, and made it nice and wet, then she could add the white afterwards and it would blend and go really nicely and make a lovely pink colour.  If you'd asked her what she was doing, she could have told you – but you didn't wait, you just came and shouted at her, you raised you arm and struck her, and as you did so, the water spilled – and you shouted again that Little Hope was clumsy or said 'It's your fault' - Little Hope can't remember exactly, but you made her feel that she was to blame for spilling the water, and you might have called her 'You stupid girl' - or something like that. 

The thing is – for you, maybe you were frustrated, or annoyed, or just inpatient, and you thought she was annoying, and I doubt you thought much more about this – as you seemed to be a very controlling and angry kind of teacher – you made fun of a boy who had a stutter, and you used to mock and make fun of children regularly.  I don't think you were a very nice teacher, and I want you to know that Hope was already dealing with a very controlling home situation, where she felt she couldn't do the right thing – so school was somewhere she hoped to find some structure and some support, but you didn't give that to her – you made her feel foolish and clumsy.

(As I write this other parts of me are stirring, and want to say things)

There's a part of me that wants to point out that Little Hope probably blamed this teacher for things, because so did her M – i.e. blame that teacher, and there's a part that says - 'But remember the time that the teacher helped Little Hope to make something, because her M didn't have the time to help Little Hope to do it' - so there's a part that is sticking up for you, as you did do something kind on one occasion. 

But Little Hope points out that even then, she was made to feel as if she was annoying, because you had to take that step of helping her with that, because you thought that her M should have done it, and therefore it was annoying.

(Part of me is very upset about this situation – and is wailing inside)

(Physically this affects my throat area – it feels constricted and tight).

I don't think I can write more about this, but I am glad to have started this letter to you, teacher, to talk a little about what happened, and to express things on behalf of Little Hope.

(I've just re-read this, and it is then that I feel very strong emotions, as part or parts of me react – so I'm glad I've written this).

Hope 

This podcast/video is free to view for a limited time, and is from Avaiya University, and is by Richard Miller - his talk is called "Our Ever-Present Unbreakable Wholeness of Being" and he is a Clinical Psychologist:
https://www.avaiya.com/healing/richard-miller/
I think they are re-playing some videos currently that are part of the larger package that they sell.  I can't remember what it was like, but I think it was a good talk.
Hope 

I watched a documentary called "My Dad the Peodophile"
Even as I try to write this, I can't spell the word - it's like I'm experiencing an emotional flashback, but I'm going to keep writing.  I wanted to write this today.

I watched the programme and it showed women who have experienced CSA from their fathers.  There were 3 or 4 of them, but my memory of the programme is already fading as I am aware that there is a part of me that likes to rub out memories, and keep them out of my attention. 

It was useful to watch the programme, and I found it very upsetting too, but also found it helpful to hear experiences of women and how they had coped and what had happened. 

There was a woman who had told her mother about it, but I saw that her mother found it very difficult to offer sympathy to the woman, and that was difficult to watch.  However, the woman took some positives from the interaction, as she had not told her mother for many years. 

I can't write more now.  But I'm glad I wrote something, as this was hard for me to do - there are parts of me that don't want me to even talk about this, but I do want to.

As I write this, it feels as if I'm pushing something very heavy and dark up hill.  I don't know why, but that's the image that came to my mind.  Something heavy and dark, and it resists me.

I also feel like there's a part of me that is very upset.  I feel like I want to cry.  I have a pain in my stomach now.    Like a knotted feeling.

Hope 

Hi everyone,
I have just had a link to a free video about Sexual Abuse and there are some Trigger warnings - so only watch it if you are ok to do so.  I've NOT watched it yet, but wanted to put it here - so others could see it if they want to.  It's from Avaiya University and I should have written down the gentleman's name, but forgot to do so:
Ah - he hs Dr Gregory Williams and it is his personal story of his own abuse.
https://www.avaiya.com/healing/dr-gregory-williams/
Hope 

I am reading this book - 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway!' by Susan Jeffers, and this part struck me as helpful to me at the moment:
p.57 "The point to remember is that when you blame any outside force for any of your experience of life, you are literally giving away all your power and thus creating pain, paralysis and depression"

(I really think this is helpful to me at the moment - I feel like I'm in a 'waiting room' of life, and not necessarily allowing myself to move on or to truly experience things, or move forward with my goals and aspirations - because I feel held back in this 'waiting room' that I've created for myself, and I need to shift this, and hopefully change. 

This book is quite helpful so far.

Hope 

https://www.avaiya.com/be-confident/schedule/

This is a link to some free to view talks from the Avaiya University and the content is about Self-esteem.
I haven't listened to many, as there was another Conference on Trauma that I was watching, but I did listen to the talk by Mark Smith, and I found his to be very good - his personal story touched me, and I thought he spoke well.
I am sure the others will hopefully be good too - I may have watched others, but I am rushing a bit just to put this info up, as I have limited time at this moment.  I just had the E-mail telling me they were re-playing these talks for this weekend for free.
Hope 

Hi everyone,
I had an E-mail with a link to getting a place in the Conference on Trauma that is due to start on 21st September 2019, and it is apparently free to view for 8 days.
Speakers include: Richard Schwartz; Peter Levine; Bonnie Goldstein; Stephen Porges; Deborah Dane; Ron Seigel; Lisa Frenetz and David Grand.
I am particularly excited to hear the talks by Richard Schwartz and the one by Peter Levine.
I noticed that David Grand mentions Brainspotting (which I saw SanMagic mentioning in her post in her diary).
I am keen to hopefully watch these talks, and wanted to give a link to the Conference so anyone who wants to sign up, can do so, to access them free - starting on 21st September 2019.
Here is the link:
https://dianepooleheller.lpages.co/attachment-and-trauma-summit-2019-ifs/
Hope 

I just wanted to write these things here.
I am so relieved to see certain people actively posting here today - because last night I had some weird experiences and dreams where I was actually thinking that I had fragmented so much, that I was losing time, and I honestly wondered if maybe I had come downstairs in the middle of the night and written things that I didn't know in conscious awareness. 

Infact some entries in people's diaries lately have made me think that it 'could have been me' who wrote those things, and therefore I even wondered (in my sleep last night) whether I had somehow opened up new diaries, and was writing them!

I realise how bizarre that must sound, and indeed does sound, as in the light of day, and seeing that people are talking in the forum - I know it's not me, as I looked at the time they wrote things, and I was doing something else entirely - but that's how paranoid and fragmented I have felt over the past few days.

I feel ashamed about this - but at the same time I want to share it here, although putting it in this section keeps it out of my own diary, and therefore enables me to distance myself from it.

I think I'll be contributing to difference places to write about things that have been bothering me this past few days.  I need to get them out and share them. 

Hope 

I can't find the right place to write this, but I want to say I'm ok, but it's been very hard.
But I am safe and I am ok, and I hope to be here this weekend. 
Must go now.
Will be back.
Hope 

Sometimes, well - ok, quite a lot - I feel shame.  A friend of mine pointed out that what triggers one person and makes them feel shame, is usually quite different from what another person feels


I want to make sense of some of my shame

(I started to write about the things I feel ashamed of, and I can't write them - I've deleted them)

But I do feel a lot of shame.

Hope 

I am avoiding something else that I wanted to write, and was staring at the various post headings, and I was drawn to this one - 'Building Resiliency' and I think this:
I am feeling stronger,
I am feeling bolder,
I am no longer afraid
(This is very upsetting to write, it's like it's overwhelming)

It's ok - be calm, breathe, you'll be ok.

It's ok to be stronger, it's ok to be bolder, it's ok to no longer feel afraid.

You'll be ok.  You are safe.  This is part of facing things - feeling ok with taking a few steps.  You can do this.

(I'm still upset, my head hurts)

I need to get these feeling out - it's ok to do that.  It's written and it's ok.

(Feeling calmer)

Hope 

Journal Entry on 15th July 2019

It's good to start a new Journal, and it feels good to be starting this one.  I am hoping to continue my journey alongside C-PTSD, and in particular I want to continue to befriend my parts.  I am getting to know different parts of myself, and recognising that they are all there, and each have played significant roles in my life at different stages. 

Even as I write this, I know there are some parts that are less comfortable about me sharing things, but thankfully there I know that I am gaining support and valuable help from being able to write things, and to know that people here understand. 

I value contributions from others - so please know that I would value any comments on anything here, because I have often learned something, or felt that a reply has been so helpful, and I value that.  Thank you so much to people who have commented in my previous Journals. 

What I would like to be, is to be braver, as there are some things that I want to say, but haven't been able to communicate yet.  I still get pulled and pushed by parts of me, and I know I need to tread carefully to try to ensure that I don't over-step the boundaries that some of my parts fear to encroach.

I stepped away from the self-help stuff for a while, but I feel like it's time to get back to some reading and hopefully do some experiential things to help me move forwards.  I'm not sure yet what I'm going to focus on, but I will keep an open mind and see what I'm drawn to.

One thing I am keen to do, is to try to re-write my time lines, as I know that I have very fragmented memories and I have been realising that the order of things is mixed up - so I am hoping to just take another look - after not doing that for a long while, and see what sense I can make of it. 

I feel stronger inside myself than I felt before.  I hope that this feeling will last and that I can use it to move forwards.  I had felt so vulnerable and very fragile before, so this strength feels a bit alien, but it is definitely there.  I am grateful for this feeling. 

I'll stop writing now, but it feels good to have started this new Journal. 

Hope 

I am taking a break from technology/internet for the rest of June, and hope to be back in early July - and I'm looking forward to being back, hopefully refreshed and ready to focus on a new chapter of life - in the meantime, I'm hoping to read relaxing books and achieve more balance in my life.
Look forward to catching up in July 
Hope 

I have just started to read some of the posts in this part of the forum, relating to Anger - and I wanted to write about the fact that whilst I read what people have written, I notice that I get a very large lump in my throat, and feel quite distressed and upset. 

I came to this area because prior to thinking about 'Anger' I was considering that I have been feeling some anger - which is quite rare for me.  But it's the first time I've come here to this area to read anything about anger, and so I think maybe I avoid it normally.

I read in one thread that LilyITV mentioned that Pete Walker's book stated that "Anger is repressed sadness and sadness is repressed anger" and this resonated with me.  I think that reading about anger makes me feel very sad and upset.  That causes a lump in my throat physically.

When I was considering my feelings internally - just before I came here - I pictured a volcano within the middle of my body - and as if there was pressure there - but I didn't know what might come out of that, and that felt scary.

Someone else wrote "Responds to the experience of powerlessness by dissociating from the experience" (I think that was in an article about Emotional Dysregulation - I am going from memory and thinking about what was written and where - didn't want to lose details, but forgot the source.

I feel as if I'd like to do some painting or drawing to try to encapsulate my feelings and express them - but I am scared of doing that - so I don't do it.   But I feel as if I want to - at the same time.

I also want to write a 'letter to - not to send' to express my anger to my FOO - but I am also scared to do that - at the moment.

I was looking at some photos of my FOO (parents) yesterday - and found that my reaction to seeing them had changed from my usual feeling 'scared and avoidant' - to actually feeling something that I think was 'anger' - and I could also see that in photos where I was also present, that there appeared to be strain in my face, and I looked uncomfortable and had a forced kind of smile on my face, and I looked unhappy in my eyes.  I can see it now, whereas I didn't notice it so much at the time. 

I can feel it more as well - wheareas I think I numb myself and dissociate from it normally.

Hope 

Hi - just taking a few days off from technology (except tomorrow when I am working) but hoping to have a long weekend away from technology - and will be reading nice books and magazines and doing dot to dots and maybe a couple of day trips with my partner - so it's all nice things.
Hope 

10th December 2018
Just to say I'm taking a break for a week, or maybe two - and will be back. 
Hope 

I would love to know any book suggestions for books that are enjoyable - probably fictional - but not necessarily - but basically something that would be relatively easy to focus on - I would consider Children's books as well as adult ones, as I am looking for something to engage me and my younger parts - to spend some relaxation time - I have been doing dot-to-dots - and finding that calming, but I'd like to know any book recommendations anyone has - thank you in advance.
Hope 

Letter to My Parts 14th November 2018

Dear Parts,

I have started to re-read the book entitled 'Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation' - and I was able to read Chapter 1 again today – and one of you was wailing and distraught at several times during my reading of that Chapter – and some of you weren't happy at the thought that I would be trying to  summarise my reflections on this Chapter in the Forum – so much so that when I tried to start a new Topic – you said things like
You can't do that – there's already a section – an earlier edition of the book – who do you think you are?  You can't do that.  Who cares what you write anyway.  You can't do it.  You'll mess it up.  Don't do it.

I got flashbacks too – to the time when I woke in the night to find I had completely shredded a nightie – and honestly, if I had tried to do that – in daylight and with immense strength, I don't think I could have done it.  Literally that nightie was shredded – and would have taken immense force to do that.  How did I do that? 

Which part of you did that in the night?  Why do you remind me of that flashback now?  Are you trying to tell me that I shouldn't poke around in my memories and feelings and thoughts – allow the part of you that is constantly rubbing out my memories to continue?  I appreciate that you are trying to protect me, but I honestly think I can cope with things – I have been strong – I have got through many things – both in childhood and during adult life too. 

I worked for decades in a very stressful job – I managed to cope – even though there were times when I had to take anti-depressants and I had to take some time off work too – to recover – to try to keep going. 

I realise that I ended up taking on too many difficult issues – and I ended up trying to sort other professionals issues out – and that just took too much energy – I know I've avoided talking about my work and my working life – because I feel immense shame for the fact I couldn't keep going in the end, and my work ethic was extinguished, along with my ability to work. 

Then I was left with coming to terms with feelings that I recognised from past times – I realise that parts of me are frozen, at different ages – and I realise some things that were going on around those times – thanks to having contacted my sister and also done some detailed searching in various places and sources to get information – I feel like I was a detective of sorts – and gradually I've been piecing things together, and fragments are able to be positioned in some kind of order – whereas before they were more free-floating and disordered.  There's been a gradual re-processing of sorts – but I'm not sure at what level, and to what depth.

I've read so many self-help books over the years – and more recently found an affiliation with the concept of dissociation and wounded/fragmented parts – it sits comfortably at some levels – and at others it is deeply disturbing.  But I realise that's the conflict between parts – and that does make sense. 

As I've read each book, I've also felt 'attached' to the writers' - especially to Janina Fisher – her book was so amazing.  Many of her words and suggestions have stuck in my mind – and I have been trying to attend to every communication from inner parts – and I was trying to do regular Meditation groups – but then my focus slipped and I was distracted by tasks in current life – but I see from the 'Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation' book (by Steele, Boon & Van der Hart) that they advocate continuing with real-life tasks – as a central thing. 
I felt quite over-whelmed at times, and still do – I recognise that I seem to have a tendency to 'read about' things and then somehow avoid doing the experiential side of things – so that means I am kept in an intellectual kind of processing and not in the 'feeling' side of things.  I need to feel things – I need to experience things, and I need to go out of my comfort zone to do that – I think so.

If I was to think of a word to describe how I feel currently – I would choose the word 'frozen' - because I feel stuck or frozen in time – it's like I have things I'd like to achieve and do, but there is a great sense that I might fail, that I can't do those things – and that I am incapable of doing them. 

This is not based on evidence, as I know that I can do things, if I apply myself – I have been successful in things I've wanted to do in the past, and I've been high achieving in terms of my professional life and career.  But now – I am no longer working, and I feel frozen in a limbo.

I'm going to thaw myself out – and break free to experience some things.  I just need to work out how to do it. 

Hope 

Hi - I wanted to reflect on what happened last night - in that me and my partner both went to sleep.  During the night I experienced an event whereby I felt extreme terror (which I now relate to having felt when I was a child, and it is a really intense flash-back to that feeling which replicates itself sometimes in my sleep) - so I felt that - and reacted by crying, shaking and my heart raced significantly - I could hear my partner soothing me - and telling me I am ok - this is a really good reaction for me, as I felt soothed by his words and I was able to get back to sleep again.  Hence the experience was such that I think I did wake, and he was talking to me and soothing me.  We talked about this today.

However, for him, he ended up later having a nightmare - which he told me about in the morning - although I knew he had had a nightmare as I remember in the middle of the night hearing him with a 'muffled scream' and I put my arm around him and soothed and comforted him, telling him he was ok.  He then calmed and appeared to sleep.  When we spoke about this in the morning, he told me that his experience had been that he had been dreaming that we were in a cottage somewhere, which he said was 'like a haunted house' - so it had a scary aspect to it.  Anyway, he told me that my FOO (parents) had shocked him by arriving at that house, and then proceeding to sleep in one of the bedrooms, and he had come into their room and had ***TW (mentioning physical altercation)....
tried to drag my F out of his bed by his feet (end of TW) ***

Then he had woken up, he thinks, but he's not sure.  He doesn't remember me comforting him and trying to soothe him back to restful sleep.

My concerns about this are that my own flashbacks and issues about my FOO seem to be impacting on my partner, and he has ended up being very worried for me - when he sees me experiencing my sleep issues etc, and also he seems to have developed some of his own.  I am wondering if I am ending up vicariously traumatising him.  I am worried about that.  I don't want to affect him in that way.

I realise I am personalising this again - because I do tend to think that things are my fault - 'if only I did this or that'... things would be different - and I realise it's not my fault - but I am worried for him.

We do communicate about things, but I just wanted to write about this here and see if you can share any thoughts or experiences that might help me with this dilemma of potentially passing on sleep disturbances to my partner. 

Hope