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Whilst I was walking today, I saw a bumble bee on the ground, and it was then that Little Hope showed me flashbacks of her experience when she was very little, when she was playing on her bike, and saw a bumble bee, and she played a game where she drove her bike very close to the bumble bee, and she has felt so guilty and ashamed of that, and often shows me that flashback in my adult life, and today I was talking to her (silently in my head) as I walked and telling her that she didn't do anything wrong, the bumble bee was ok, and she didn't mean to play a game with his/her life in that way - because she had always shown caring to birds and insects as a child.  I reminded her how she had cared for a little bird who had fallen from a tree (although another adult part of me realises that maybe helping a baby bird isn't the right thing either, as their Mummy would look after the bird hopefully).

Little Hope was wailing and upset inside my head whilst I walked, and I tried to comfort her, and I told her I'd write about it here, where she has lots of friends who care about her, and that we'd share what she did and how she felt, and that they would be caring towards her too.  Just as I am.  She hasn't done anything wrong. 

Another part of me told me that I'd 'feel silly' to write this here, and nearly stopped me from doing so, but I said to that part that Little Hope is ok for me to write it, and I am doing so, because I care about Little Hope's feelings and if I say I'll do something, then I will NOT let her down, I'll do it.  So here I am, and I'm writing it.

Part of me is emotional as I write this, and I wonder if Little Hope can see that there is care for her here, and that when I read this back some other time, that she'll see that she matters and that I care about her.

Hope 

This is an article by Vicki Peterson, and is called 'Why No Contact is Essential if You Love Your Abuser' and it is under the label of 'Complex Trauma, Resources for Survivors', and I really found that Vicki said a lot of things that I really related to.  I hope it's helpful to others too.

https://somethingtosayafterabusecom.com/2020/03/12/why-no-contact-is-essential-if-you-love-your-abuser/

Hope 

I seem to be developing more understanding of some of my triggers - or at least, I think so.  I have some kind of trigger about animals wearing clothes in children's stories and films, and there are certain ones I tend to avoid watching for that reason.

I watched Toy Story 4 last night, and I was ok for most of it, but what triggered me was when one of the Dolls spotted a little child who was lost in the fair ground, and was crying, and the doll wanted to help the child, and recognised the distress, and came to her to comfort her.  That caused me to react in a very visceral and emotional way.  But what I found interesting was that it was the recognition from the doll of the emotional needs of the young child, that is what really touched me emotionally - and I find this happens whenever anyone appears to notice my emotions and shows any kind of caring towards them.  It is incredibly emotional for me.  I just wanted to say that today - and write it down somewhere, so I don't lose the connection.

Hope 

I wasn't sure which place to put this query, but I realised whilst I was watching TV this evening, that I kept getting flashbacks or feeling related to emotions that are connected to feeling 'as if I'd be chastised' or 'told off' or as if I've done something really bad - it's like the feeling you'd get when you're younger, but I find I'm carrying these thoughts/feelings often, and it's like I'm in a waiting room awaiting punishment.  But what for?  For living my life, and trying to be independent of my FOO, for trying to be an adult and live my life.  Yet many parts of me feel as if there is going to be some kind of retribution for living that life, and the punishment is going to happen sooner or later.  I don't like it, and I want to try to escape from that feeling - I tried to get agreement from whatever part of me is communicating these things, to write this here - that part agreed, but even as I write this, I feel another part is very upset, and makes me feel very tearful and scared about writing it here.  But I am writing it, as I would like to hear what others think, and whether people relate to this - and what you've done to try to change it.  Are there things I could do.  I feel like I should ask the part directly what would help - as I know that Snowdrop does that with her parts, and is doing IFS to do that.  But there's a fear in me that I'm not sure what will happen if I ask the part that is feeling this way - so I guess that means it's another part, and not my Self. 

Already this whole paragraph above looks unwieldy and overly long.  But I'm glad I've written it.  Thank you, if you're reading it.  Any thoughts or reflections welcomed. 

Hope 

So you've blind-sided me today with the card that arrived in the post.  I wasn't expecting to hear anything from you, and then to get a card that was to a 'Daughter' and which appeared to be one that reminisced about the love a parent has for a young child - and showed a picture of a young girl, probably about 5 or 6 years old. 

My partner said to me - that's like she's abdicating any knowledge of anything that's gone on over the past years - ignoring the fact we're estranged for several years now, and ignoring the fact that anything at all is wrong.  Pretending it's all ok?  I don't know what your intention was in sending it to me, but when I opened it and read the long verses of the contents - which were reminiscing about loving feelings, I thought that you must be in some kind of dissociative bubble yourself, and unable to process the truth of the situation.

Interesting that my reactions were such that I felt faint and dissociated myself for a few moments, and another part of me seemed curious about receiving a card from M, but a greater part of me actually made me laugh out loud, as it seemed incredulous.  I can't take it seriously.  Yet I am also sad for you.  Part of me was also relieved that you signed it from yourself and F - so basically I know that you're both healthy and alive still - or at least alive.  Even though I can't tolerate contact with you, I don't wish either of you any ill-health or difficulties. 

You didn't include my partner's name on the card, so it was purely to me, and that hurt to think that you've just erased his name, and not acknowledged him, but the fact that the card was basically focusing on a very little girl, makes me think that you're missing that controlled little girl that I used to be, and that you dislike the changes that have happened as I've grown and finally broken away from being smothered and controlled.  Getting free.

Parts of me now feel both pushed and pulled at the same time, and want to throw me into more comfort eating, which I had already been doing over this month, as more social events have been happening, and I was trying to cope with those.  I was doing ok!  But getting this card unexpectedly - it does throw me off a bit, off kilter - but I am not going to let it upset me too much - you chose to send it.  I opened it.  I read it.  I've reacted to it at some levels, and I'm writing this to try to at least get some feelings out - and that feels good.

If anyone is reading this, I welcome any thoughts you have on it - the fact is that I wrote when I decided to go NC (no contact) that I didn't want to have any further contact, and that includes cards - you'd finally complied with this for the past couple of years, but now to get this card out of the blue, it is a transgression, but I will just put it aside and hopefully move on from it.

Yet I do have feelings of sadness reacting to it too - because I am grieving losses of the relationship, but I don't want to re-connect as I don't feel any positive things could come of that.  It's been a tough road to travel, being estranged, but at the same time it's been a way to finally get some freedom and some agency of my own - to begin to work on myself and understand the different parts that make up my personality and my sense of integrity.  I am damaged by many things that happened in the past and by the lack of honesty and all the lies you told me when I was a child - so many things.  Also, I didn't tell you some things that happened to me - but I think you knew about them deep down.  You didn't want to know about things, and you closed your eyes to things.

Hope

Hi everyone,
I've done this before, and find it is refreshing for me to take a break, so that's what I'm going to do, but I hope to be back in December. 
to everyone.
Hope 

I wasn't sure what to call this post, and I've put it in this section - i.e. numbness, derealisation etc, because I think maybe it fits here.  Just wanted to know if anyone else experiences this, and just wanted to share what I've experienced - mainly today, but also yesterday.

I think it's because I've done more with my inner/younger parts, and maybe it might have been slightly more than I could cope with - although I think I'm ok, but what I've noticed is:

Yesterday and today I have experienced some numbness in my left side of my face, and also like a migraine kind of headache, also on the left-hand-side of my head.

I also had a meet up with someone today - and she is a similar age to my M, and she is a little similar in how she looks to my M, but whilst I was talking to her, she almost morphed into looking 'exactly like' my M, which was actually very disconcerting. 

I've also noticed that when I've been walking around and seen men who are a similar age to my F, that they seem to look a lot like him, although that isn't so unusual, as there are quite a few men of a similar age to my F who look like him. 

I also have tinnitus in that side of my head too - the same side that I have got the other experiences. 

Also, I have been a bit freaked out by the fact that there's been some bruises appear on my hand (right hand) which look like pressure points of a thumb or finger print, and I remember that I used to get these when I was between the ages of 17 and 19 years of age - possibly slightly older - and it makes me think of what Tee said in her Journal about bruises happening without physical cause - I think I relate to that in some way, but maybe there's other explanations.

Anyway, it's something I wanted to write about, and so I'm putting it here. 

I'm going to try to stabilise and ground myself this weekend, as I fear I might have tipped myself a bit over my comfort zone.

Hope 

Letter to the teacher:

I am writing this letter to you on behalf of Little Hope, because she has spoken to me about things that happened when she was in your class at school, and I felt you should know some of her thoughts and feelings about what happened. 

You were much older than Little Hope, she was only 5 years old when she arrived in your class, and I know that she was already traumatised by things that she'd seen when she was much smaller, and she found school quite daunting, but she was keen to do her best.  She already knew that you and her M didn't seem to be very friendly to each other, almost as if you were vying for control over her – and she didn't like that.  Her M didn't seem to like you, and I think that you took some of that out on Little Hope – but I want you to know it wasn't Little Hope's fault – although I think Little Hope tends to think things are her fault.

Little Hope was enjoying doing some painting that day – she knew that you wanted her to mix the red and white in a mixing palette to make the colour pink, but she wanted to be more creative than that, she had her own idea that if she put the red colour down first, and made it nice and wet, then she could add the white afterwards and it would blend and go really nicely and make a lovely pink colour.  If you'd asked her what she was doing, she could have told you – but you didn't wait, you just came and shouted at her, you raised you arm and struck her, and as you did so, the water spilled – and you shouted again that Little Hope was clumsy or said 'It's your fault' - Little Hope can't remember exactly, but you made her feel that she was to blame for spilling the water, and you might have called her 'You stupid girl' - or something like that. 

The thing is – for you, maybe you were frustrated, or annoyed, or just inpatient, and you thought she was annoying, and I doubt you thought much more about this – as you seemed to be a very controlling and angry kind of teacher – you made fun of a boy who had a stutter, and you used to mock and make fun of children regularly.  I don't think you were a very nice teacher, and I want you to know that Hope was already dealing with a very controlling home situation, where she felt she couldn't do the right thing – so school was somewhere she hoped to find some structure and some support, but you didn't give that to her – you made her feel foolish and clumsy.

(As I write this other parts of me are stirring, and want to say things)

There's a part of me that wants to point out that Little Hope probably blamed this teacher for things, because so did her M – i.e. blame that teacher, and there's a part that says - 'But remember the time that the teacher helped Little Hope to make something, because her M didn't have the time to help Little Hope to do it' - so there's a part that is sticking up for you, as you did do something kind on one occasion. 

But Little Hope points out that even then, she was made to feel as if she was annoying, because you had to take that step of helping her with that, because you thought that her M should have done it, and therefore it was annoying.

(Part of me is very upset about this situation – and is wailing inside)

(Physically this affects my throat area – it feels constricted and tight).

I don't think I can write more about this, but I am glad to have started this letter to you, teacher, to talk a little about what happened, and to express things on behalf of Little Hope.

(I've just re-read this, and it is then that I feel very strong emotions, as part or parts of me react – so I'm glad I've written this).

Hope 

This podcast/video is free to view for a limited time, and is from Avaiya University, and is by Richard Miller - his talk is called "Our Ever-Present Unbreakable Wholeness of Being" and he is a Clinical Psychologist:
https://www.avaiya.com/healing/richard-miller/
I think they are re-playing some videos currently that are part of the larger package that they sell.  I can't remember what it was like, but I think it was a good talk.
Hope 

I watched a documentary called "My Dad the Peodophile"
Even as I try to write this, I can't spell the word - it's like I'm experiencing an emotional flashback, but I'm going to keep writing.  I wanted to write this today.

I watched the programme and it showed women who have experienced CSA from their fathers.  There were 3 or 4 of them, but my memory of the programme is already fading as I am aware that there is a part of me that likes to rub out memories, and keep them out of my attention. 

It was useful to watch the programme, and I found it very upsetting too, but also found it helpful to hear experiences of women and how they had coped and what had happened. 

There was a woman who had told her mother about it, but I saw that her mother found it very difficult to offer sympathy to the woman, and that was difficult to watch.  However, the woman took some positives from the interaction, as she had not told her mother for many years. 

I can't write more now.  But I'm glad I wrote something, as this was hard for me to do - there are parts of me that don't want me to even talk about this, but I do want to.

As I write this, it feels as if I'm pushing something very heavy and dark up hill.  I don't know why, but that's the image that came to my mind.  Something heavy and dark, and it resists me.

I also feel like there's a part of me that is very upset.  I feel like I want to cry.  I have a pain in my stomach now.    Like a knotted feeling.

Hope 

Hi everyone,
I have just had a link to a free video about Sexual Abuse and there are some Trigger warnings - so only watch it if you are ok to do so.  I've NOT watched it yet, but wanted to put it here - so others could see it if they want to.  It's from Avaiya University and I should have written down the gentleman's name, but forgot to do so:
Ah - he hs Dr Gregory Williams and it is his personal story of his own abuse.
https://www.avaiya.com/healing/dr-gregory-williams/
Hope 

I am reading this book - 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway!' by Susan Jeffers, and this part struck me as helpful to me at the moment:
p.57 "The point to remember is that when you blame any outside force for any of your experience of life, you are literally giving away all your power and thus creating pain, paralysis and depression"

(I really think this is helpful to me at the moment - I feel like I'm in a 'waiting room' of life, and not necessarily allowing myself to move on or to truly experience things, or move forward with my goals and aspirations - because I feel held back in this 'waiting room' that I've created for myself, and I need to shift this, and hopefully change. 

This book is quite helpful so far.

Hope 

https://www.avaiya.com/be-confident/schedule/

This is a link to some free to view talks from the Avaiya University and the content is about Self-esteem.
I haven't listened to many, as there was another Conference on Trauma that I was watching, but I did listen to the talk by Mark Smith, and I found his to be very good - his personal story touched me, and I thought he spoke well.
I am sure the others will hopefully be good too - I may have watched others, but I am rushing a bit just to put this info up, as I have limited time at this moment.  I just had the E-mail telling me they were re-playing these talks for this weekend for free.
Hope 

Hi everyone,
I had an E-mail with a link to getting a place in the Conference on Trauma that is due to start on 21st September 2019, and it is apparently free to view for 8 days.
Speakers include: Richard Schwartz; Peter Levine; Bonnie Goldstein; Stephen Porges; Deborah Dane; Ron Seigel; Lisa Frenetz and David Grand.
I am particularly excited to hear the talks by Richard Schwartz and the one by Peter Levine.
I noticed that David Grand mentions Brainspotting (which I saw SanMagic mentioning in her post in her diary).
I am keen to hopefully watch these talks, and wanted to give a link to the Conference so anyone who wants to sign up, can do so, to access them free - starting on 21st September 2019.
Here is the link:
https://dianepooleheller.lpages.co/attachment-and-trauma-summit-2019-ifs/
Hope 

I just wanted to write these things here.
I am so relieved to see certain people actively posting here today - because last night I had some weird experiences and dreams where I was actually thinking that I had fragmented so much, that I was losing time, and I honestly wondered if maybe I had come downstairs in the middle of the night and written things that I didn't know in conscious awareness. 

Infact some entries in people's diaries lately have made me think that it 'could have been me' who wrote those things, and therefore I even wondered (in my sleep last night) whether I had somehow opened up new diaries, and was writing them!

I realise how bizarre that must sound, and indeed does sound, as in the light of day, and seeing that people are talking in the forum - I know it's not me, as I looked at the time they wrote things, and I was doing something else entirely - but that's how paranoid and fragmented I have felt over the past few days.

I feel ashamed about this - but at the same time I want to share it here, although putting it in this section keeps it out of my own diary, and therefore enables me to distance myself from it.

I think I'll be contributing to difference places to write about things that have been bothering me this past few days.  I need to get them out and share them. 

Hope 

I can't find the right place to write this, but I want to say I'm ok, but it's been very hard.
But I am safe and I am ok, and I hope to be here this weekend. 
Must go now.
Will be back.
Hope 

Sometimes, well - ok, quite a lot - I feel shame.  A friend of mine pointed out that what triggers one person and makes them feel shame, is usually quite different from what another person feels


I want to make sense of some of my shame

(I started to write about the things I feel ashamed of, and I can't write them - I've deleted them)

But I do feel a lot of shame.

Hope 

I am avoiding something else that I wanted to write, and was staring at the various post headings, and I was drawn to this one - 'Building Resiliency' and I think this:
I am feeling stronger,
I am feeling bolder,
I am no longer afraid
(This is very upsetting to write, it's like it's overwhelming)

It's ok - be calm, breathe, you'll be ok.

It's ok to be stronger, it's ok to be bolder, it's ok to no longer feel afraid.

You'll be ok.  You are safe.  This is part of facing things - feeling ok with taking a few steps.  You can do this.

(I'm still upset, my head hurts)

I need to get these feeling out - it's ok to do that.  It's written and it's ok.

(Feeling calmer)

Hope 

Journal Entry on 15th July 2019

It's good to start a new Journal, and it feels good to be starting this one.  I am hoping to continue my journey alongside C-PTSD, and in particular I want to continue to befriend my parts.  I am getting to know different parts of myself, and recognising that they are all there, and each have played significant roles in my life at different stages. 

Even as I write this, I know there are some parts that are less comfortable about me sharing things, but thankfully there I know that I am gaining support and valuable help from being able to write things, and to know that people here understand. 

I value contributions from others - so please know that I would value any comments on anything here, because I have often learned something, or felt that a reply has been so helpful, and I value that.  Thank you so much to people who have commented in my previous Journals. 

What I would like to be, is to be braver, as there are some things that I want to say, but haven't been able to communicate yet.  I still get pulled and pushed by parts of me, and I know I need to tread carefully to try to ensure that I don't over-step the boundaries that some of my parts fear to encroach.

I stepped away from the self-help stuff for a while, but I feel like it's time to get back to some reading and hopefully do some experiential things to help me move forwards.  I'm not sure yet what I'm going to focus on, but I will keep an open mind and see what I'm drawn to.

One thing I am keen to do, is to try to re-write my time lines, as I know that I have very fragmented memories and I have been realising that the order of things is mixed up - so I am hoping to just take another look - after not doing that for a long while, and see what sense I can make of it. 

I feel stronger inside myself than I felt before.  I hope that this feeling will last and that I can use it to move forwards.  I had felt so vulnerable and very fragile before, so this strength feels a bit alien, but it is definitely there.  I am grateful for this feeling. 

I'll stop writing now, but it feels good to have started this new Journal. 

Hope 

I am taking a break from technology/internet for the rest of June, and hope to be back in early July - and I'm looking forward to being back, hopefully refreshed and ready to focus on a new chapter of life - in the meantime, I'm hoping to read relaxing books and achieve more balance in my life.
Look forward to catching up in July 
Hope